BEARS VS. PACKERS: 12-22-08
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Packers in a must-win game (assuming the Vikings don’t win on Sunday). Can the Bears take advantage of a Green Bay team still struggling to fill the hole left by the tragic departure of Brett Favre? Or will Chicago be forced to endure the eternal, icy vengeance of Mr. Freeze without the distraction of post-season football?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Sasha Fierce” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, the evil magician from “Frosty the snowman”, Professor Hinkle.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Like Matt Forte, me right toe is throbbin’ painfully. Therefore, I foresee the Bears running the table like me pirate armada knifed through the United Nations’ blockade of the Horn of Africa. Wait, that ended in tragedy for all involved. Disregard that prediction.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears are 8-6 this year against teams in cities on the brink of economic disaster. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: As Deng Xiaoping once said, “It doesn't matter if a cat is black or white, so long as it catches mice.” Does this mean the return of Rex Grossman is in the cards? No.
Des: Professor Hinkle. What are your thoughts?
PH: I must get that hat back! Think nasty, think nasty, think nasty!
Des: Now you go home and write "I am very sorry for what I did to Frosty" a hundred zillion times. And then maybe - just maybe, mind you - you'll find something in your stocking tomorrow morning. Prissy Minion. Your thoughts.
PM: Oh, Des. You are the true spirit of Christmas.
Des: Sit back and watch with your “Mike Singletary for Governor” T-shirt as the Bears face off in a match that will save Christmas in the only way possible… through violence.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Bears vs. Saints: 12-11-08
BEARS VS. SAINTS: 12-11-08
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Saints on a Thursday, a day not ordained by either God or Des as suitable for football. Can the Bears compete against the likes of Ugly Betty or CSI? Or will Thursday Night Football be yet another NFL fumble, like throwback uniforms and coaches’ challenges?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Irish Spring” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a Yuletide perspective, Burgermeister Meisterburger.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! While today’s modern pirates may prefer their fancy speedboats and rocket launchers while stalking their prey, there be nothing more satisfying than a good old fashioned keel-haulin’, using nothing but the wind-filled sails, yer nautical wits, and rum-fueled rage. In a similar fashion, the Bears can only defeat the Saints with some good old-fashioned smash-mouth defense, not this fancy-pants “Wildcat offense”, whatever that be.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears are 17-4 against teams in cities abandoned by God and man. This includes New Orleans, Green Bay, St. Louis, and Detroit.
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: As Sun Tzu once said, “supreme excellence consists in breaking the enemy's resistance without fighting.” Unfortunately, that’s not very compelling football.
Des: Burgermeister Meisterbrau. Break our Christmas spirit, won’t you?
BM: I hate toys! And toys hate me! Either they are going or I am going and I definitely am not going!
Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. What now?
PM: Oh, Des. When I hear you speak, it’s not so much the words I listen to as the gentle spirit behind it.
Des: Sit back and watch with your “Mike Ditka for Governor” T-shirt as the Bears face off in a battle that will make you forget that Thursday is “The Office” night. Uh, forget I said anything.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Saints on a Thursday, a day not ordained by either God or Des as suitable for football. Can the Bears compete against the likes of Ugly Betty or CSI? Or will Thursday Night Football be yet another NFL fumble, like throwback uniforms and coaches’ challenges?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Irish Spring” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a Yuletide perspective, Burgermeister Meisterburger.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! While today’s modern pirates may prefer their fancy speedboats and rocket launchers while stalking their prey, there be nothing more satisfying than a good old fashioned keel-haulin’, using nothing but the wind-filled sails, yer nautical wits, and rum-fueled rage. In a similar fashion, the Bears can only defeat the Saints with some good old-fashioned smash-mouth defense, not this fancy-pants “Wildcat offense”, whatever that be.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears are 17-4 against teams in cities abandoned by God and man. This includes New Orleans, Green Bay, St. Louis, and Detroit.
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: As Sun Tzu once said, “supreme excellence consists in breaking the enemy's resistance without fighting.” Unfortunately, that’s not very compelling football.
Des: Burgermeister Meisterbrau. Break our Christmas spirit, won’t you?
BM: I hate toys! And toys hate me! Either they are going or I am going and I definitely am not going!
Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. What now?
PM: Oh, Des. When I hear you speak, it’s not so much the words I listen to as the gentle spirit behind it.
Des: Sit back and watch with your “Mike Ditka for Governor” T-shirt as the Bears face off in a battle that will make you forget that Thursday is “The Office” night. Uh, forget I said anything.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Bears vs. Jaguars: 12-7-08
BEARS VS. JAGUARS: 12-7-08
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show, sponsored by Fox’s new hit movie Quantum of Solace. The Bears face off against the Jaguars after losing to the Vikings. Will Chicago defeat the Jags with a combination of suave hipness and fancy gadgetry? Or will Jacksonville emerge victorious with a nefarious plot hatched from their undersea headquarters?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Holly Good-head” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a Yuletide perspective, Ebenezer Scrooge.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! After a long day of avoiding the U.S. 5th fleet off the coast of Somalia, nothing goes down better than rum mixed with a dash of Shasta cola… shaken, not stirred. I burned meself with a laminator while creating me own official license to kill: This be an omen from Father Neptune himself! His upset pick this week: the Cincinnati Bengals will defeat the Indianapolis Colts.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears are 13-3 against teams in cities where the mosquito-to-human ratio exceeds 10,000,000:1. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: In the grand scheme of things laid out by Shuma-Gorath, football be naught but the tiniest thread in the tapestry of existence. Still, I foresee the Bears winning 31-24.
Des: Ebenezer Scrooge. Lay down some angry 19th century wisdom.
Scrooge: Are there no prisons?!? Are there no workhouses?!?
Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. What now?
PM: Oh, Des. Your sports insights exceeds that of all other broadcasters combined.
Des: Including the bad ones?
PM: Is there any other kind?
Des: Sit back and watch with your Neckbeard napkin as the Bears face off in a battle that will inspire you to compile a list of all the Bears quarterbacks who have worn the numbers 8 and 18 since 1990.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show, sponsored by Fox’s new hit movie Quantum of Solace. The Bears face off against the Jaguars after losing to the Vikings. Will Chicago defeat the Jags with a combination of suave hipness and fancy gadgetry? Or will Jacksonville emerge victorious with a nefarious plot hatched from their undersea headquarters?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Holly Good-head” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a Yuletide perspective, Ebenezer Scrooge.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! After a long day of avoiding the U.S. 5th fleet off the coast of Somalia, nothing goes down better than rum mixed with a dash of Shasta cola… shaken, not stirred. I burned meself with a laminator while creating me own official license to kill: This be an omen from Father Neptune himself! His upset pick this week: the Cincinnati Bengals will defeat the Indianapolis Colts.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears are 13-3 against teams in cities where the mosquito-to-human ratio exceeds 10,000,000:1. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: In the grand scheme of things laid out by Shuma-Gorath, football be naught but the tiniest thread in the tapestry of existence. Still, I foresee the Bears winning 31-24.
Des: Ebenezer Scrooge. Lay down some angry 19th century wisdom.
Scrooge: Are there no prisons?!? Are there no workhouses?!?
Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. What now?
PM: Oh, Des. Your sports insights exceeds that of all other broadcasters combined.
Des: Including the bad ones?
PM: Is there any other kind?
Des: Sit back and watch with your Neckbeard napkin as the Bears face off in a battle that will inspire you to compile a list of all the Bears quarterbacks who have worn the numbers 8 and 18 since 1990.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Bears vs. Vikings: 11-30-08
BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 11-30-08
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Vikings after destroying the Rams. Will Chicago stand tall and proud as the sole leader of the NFC North with a 7-5 record? Or will Minnesota’s offense power them through Bears’ injury-plagued defense?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Joey-Joe-Joe-Shabadoo” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! There be no better way to spend $2 million in ransom for a French luxury yacht than me football “picks to click”. I select Miami over the Rams, the Colts defeat the Browns, and the Panthers tear up the Packers. I choose the 49ers as me “upset” pick over the Bills.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears are 12-4 against teams in states governed by former comedians, professional wrestlers, and other failed entertainers. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: In the NFC North, you don’t have to be good, just good… enough.
Des: Albert Einstein. Stab at the heart of truth for us.
AE: Guten tag, meine kameraden. "Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent.” And, if you’re Fox Sports, more pointless and pseudo patriotic.
Des: Prissy Minion. What now?
PM: Oh, Des. I can see why genderanalyzer.com said there was a 62% chance that this website was written by a woman.
Des: Sit back and watch with your bucket of Bud as the Bears face off in a battle that will renew your Spirit of Christmas with a combination of violence and commercialism not seen since “Chuck Norris Saves Christmas”.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Vikings after destroying the Rams. Will Chicago stand tall and proud as the sole leader of the NFC North with a 7-5 record? Or will Minnesota’s offense power them through Bears’ injury-plagued defense?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Joey-Joe-Joe-Shabadoo” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! There be no better way to spend $2 million in ransom for a French luxury yacht than me football “picks to click”. I select Miami over the Rams, the Colts defeat the Browns, and the Panthers tear up the Packers. I choose the 49ers as me “upset” pick over the Bills.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears are 12-4 against teams in states governed by former comedians, professional wrestlers, and other failed entertainers. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: In the NFC North, you don’t have to be good, just good… enough.
Des: Albert Einstein. Stab at the heart of truth for us.
AE: Guten tag, meine kameraden. "Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent.” And, if you’re Fox Sports, more pointless and pseudo patriotic.
Des: Prissy Minion. What now?
PM: Oh, Des. I can see why genderanalyzer.com said there was a 62% chance that this website was written by a woman.
Des: Sit back and watch with your bucket of Bud as the Bears face off in a battle that will renew your Spirit of Christmas with a combination of violence and commercialism not seen since “Chuck Norris Saves Christmas”.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Bears vs. Rams: 11-23-08
BEARS VS. RAMS: 11-23-08
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against St. Louis after a thrashing by Green Bay. Will Chicago emerge stronger physically, mentally, spiritually, and financially from such a thorough defeat? Or will the Bears prove to be a tragic metaphor for America’s economic condition… somehow?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Yukon Cornelius Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! After a long day of seizing Saudi super-tankers filled with precious oil off the coast of Somalia, you’d think there’d be nothing I dread and fear more than the Russian Navy. Ye’d be tragically mistaken! What haunts my dreams is that we be one Neckbeard away from being the Detroit Lions.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears are 15-4 against teams in cities that don’t believe in sewage treatment. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: The Bears must defeat the Demons of Denak to emerge victorious. Since they don’t possess the Darkholde to banish the forces of evil, they must resort to better play calling.
Des: Albert Einstein. Stab at the heart of truth for us.
AE: Guten tag, meine Bürger von Chicago. "Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocrities. The latter cannot understand it when a man does not thoughtlessly submit to hereditary prejudices but honestly and courageously uses his intelligence." If you think I’m talking about Dennis Miller’s tenure on Monday Night Football, think again, meine Kätzchen.
Des: Prissy Minion. What now?
PM: Oh, Des. When space aliens find this disc on the next Voyager space craft, they’ll know where to turn for sports and cultural information.
Des: Sit back and watch with your collection of random acquaintances as the Bears face off in a classic I-55 rivalry that will redefine sports as something that transcends mere entertainment into something that hits too close to home.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against St. Louis after a thrashing by Green Bay. Will Chicago emerge stronger physically, mentally, spiritually, and financially from such a thorough defeat? Or will the Bears prove to be a tragic metaphor for America’s economic condition… somehow?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Yukon Cornelius Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! After a long day of seizing Saudi super-tankers filled with precious oil off the coast of Somalia, you’d think there’d be nothing I dread and fear more than the Russian Navy. Ye’d be tragically mistaken! What haunts my dreams is that we be one Neckbeard away from being the Detroit Lions.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears are 15-4 against teams in cities that don’t believe in sewage treatment. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: The Bears must defeat the Demons of Denak to emerge victorious. Since they don’t possess the Darkholde to banish the forces of evil, they must resort to better play calling.
Des: Albert Einstein. Stab at the heart of truth for us.
AE: Guten tag, meine Bürger von Chicago. "Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocrities. The latter cannot understand it when a man does not thoughtlessly submit to hereditary prejudices but honestly and courageously uses his intelligence." If you think I’m talking about Dennis Miller’s tenure on Monday Night Football, think again, meine Kätzchen.
Des: Prissy Minion. What now?
PM: Oh, Des. When space aliens find this disc on the next Voyager space craft, they’ll know where to turn for sports and cultural information.
Des: Sit back and watch with your collection of random acquaintances as the Bears face off in a classic I-55 rivalry that will redefine sports as something that transcends mere entertainment into something that hits too close to home.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Bears vs. Packers: 11-16-08
BEARS VS. PACKERS: 11-16-08
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against Green Bay in the post-Favre era. Will the return of “Neckbeard” galvanize Chicago? Or will the Bears defense allow enough time for Favre’s successor to baste a turkey before throwing a touchdown?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Aladdin Sane Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Me stomach is in violent revolt after a hearty breakfast of hardtack soaking in a homemade alcoholic beverage I like to call “Davey Jones’s Locker.” Therefore, me “upset” pick is the Cincinnati Bengals defeating the Philadelphia Eagles.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears are 24-7 against teams whose fans have enough cholesterol to plug up the Marianas Trench. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: The Bears are 16-3 whenever the Aztec calendar’s daysign is dedicated to Cuetzpalin. You don’t want to know what happens when Tlacaxipehualitzli is ascendant.
Des: Wasn’t “Cuetzpalin” Sarah Palin’s 12th child? Albert Einstein. Tear apart the tapestry of deception for us.
AE: Guten tag, mein wunderkind. "Too many of us look upon Americans as dollar chasers. This is a cruel libel, even if it is reiterated thoughtlessly by the Americans themselves." This quote was brought to you by Head-On. Head-On: Apply directly to the forehead.
Des: Prissy Minion. What now?
PM: Oh, Des. No one packs in the obscure references like you. You’re a pre-9/11 Dennis Miller.
Des: Sit back and watch with your sack full of Funyons and self-hatred as the Bears face off in a classic rivalry not seen since the days of Wile E. Coyote v. Roadrunner
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against Green Bay in the post-Favre era. Will the return of “Neckbeard” galvanize Chicago? Or will the Bears defense allow enough time for Favre’s successor to baste a turkey before throwing a touchdown?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Aladdin Sane Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Me stomach is in violent revolt after a hearty breakfast of hardtack soaking in a homemade alcoholic beverage I like to call “Davey Jones’s Locker.” Therefore, me “upset” pick is the Cincinnati Bengals defeating the Philadelphia Eagles.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears are 24-7 against teams whose fans have enough cholesterol to plug up the Marianas Trench. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: The Bears are 16-3 whenever the Aztec calendar’s daysign is dedicated to Cuetzpalin. You don’t want to know what happens when Tlacaxipehualitzli is ascendant.
Des: Wasn’t “Cuetzpalin” Sarah Palin’s 12th child? Albert Einstein. Tear apart the tapestry of deception for us.
AE: Guten tag, mein wunderkind. "Too many of us look upon Americans as dollar chasers. This is a cruel libel, even if it is reiterated thoughtlessly by the Americans themselves." This quote was brought to you by Head-On. Head-On: Apply directly to the forehead.
Des: Prissy Minion. What now?
PM: Oh, Des. No one packs in the obscure references like you. You’re a pre-9/11 Dennis Miller.
Des: Sit back and watch with your sack full of Funyons and self-hatred as the Bears face off in a classic rivalry not seen since the days of Wile E. Coyote v. Roadrunner
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Bears vs. Titans: 11-9-08
BEARS VS. TITANS: 11-9-08
Note: This episode presumed that John McCain would win the election.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. Oedipus Rex barely squeaks out a win against the worst team in the NFL. Will the offense, defense, and special teams somehow pull themselves together just long enough to create a McCain-esque upset? And will this victory also depend upon coaches’ challenges to all 50 States of the Union?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Rainbow Bright Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Like Kyle Orton, me ankle has swollen to five times its normal size. Therefore, I’m predicting that Rex Grossman will score 7 touchdowns and throw 12 interceptions. The final score, laddies: Chicago- 49; Tennessee- 45.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears have played in 2 Super Bowls under Republican presidents and 1 national championship during FDR’s presidency. The Cubs also won a world championship during a Roosevelt term—Teddy Roosevelt’s.
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: If genius is pain, then Joe Buck’s life is an endless state of nirvana.
Des: Albert Einstein. Look through the tissue of lies for us.
AE: Guten tag, mein uber-fans. “Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal." Or a football in the hands of Rex Grossman… which, I guess means that science sometimes scores a touchdown… but then it gets intercepted by the military-industrial complex?? Is that what I’m driving at?
Des: Prissy Minion. What now?
PM: Oh, Des. Mike Singletary’s motivational techniques…
Des: …and that’s all the time we have. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match that will make you laugh, make you cry, but most important, make you think. Did I say “think”? I meant “drink”. In a good way.
Note: This episode presumed that John McCain would win the election.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. Oedipus Rex barely squeaks out a win against the worst team in the NFL. Will the offense, defense, and special teams somehow pull themselves together just long enough to create a McCain-esque upset? And will this victory also depend upon coaches’ challenges to all 50 States of the Union?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Rainbow Bright Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Like Kyle Orton, me ankle has swollen to five times its normal size. Therefore, I’m predicting that Rex Grossman will score 7 touchdowns and throw 12 interceptions. The final score, laddies: Chicago- 49; Tennessee- 45.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears have played in 2 Super Bowls under Republican presidents and 1 national championship during FDR’s presidency. The Cubs also won a world championship during a Roosevelt term—Teddy Roosevelt’s.
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: If genius is pain, then Joe Buck’s life is an endless state of nirvana.
Des: Albert Einstein. Look through the tissue of lies for us.
AE: Guten tag, mein uber-fans. “Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal." Or a football in the hands of Rex Grossman… which, I guess means that science sometimes scores a touchdown… but then it gets intercepted by the military-industrial complex?? Is that what I’m driving at?
Des: Prissy Minion. What now?
PM: Oh, Des. Mike Singletary’s motivational techniques…
Des: …and that’s all the time we have. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match that will make you laugh, make you cry, but most important, make you think. Did I say “think”? I meant “drink”. In a good way.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Bears vs. Lions: 11-2-08
BEARS VS. LIONS: 11-2-08
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions after defeating them four weeks ago. Will Detroit learn any lessons from their endless defeats? Or will the Lions have reason to fear the name “Neckbeard”?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Hussein Obama Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! The mariner’s curse will finally be lifted on one of the NFL’s two winless teams. ‘Twill be the Cincinnati Bengals defeating the Jacksonville Jags! The Detroit Lions will find no respite today or any other day this season!
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears are 22-1 when they play against teams with a feline name. Except for their embarrassing loss to the Libertyville High School football Wildcats in 1997. That was a bad year.
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: I’ve been crying lately, thinking about the world as it is.
Des: Well, when you’re standing at the edge of darkness, there rides the Peace Train. If you’re listening, Michael Savage, when Obama becomes President, your show will be replaced with an endless loop of “Peace Train” while illegal immigrants are destroying your borders, language, and culture. Try to sleep on that, won’t you? Albert Einstein. Pierce through the veil of falsehood for us.
AE: Guten tag, mein lutefisk. "Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods." Once again, I’m looking at you, Joe Buck.
Des: Prissy Minion. What now?
PM: Oh, Des. Have you ever watched the “Snoopy vs. the Red Baron” scene of “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown” while listening to “Goodbye, Blue Sky” by Pink Floyd? It’s magic!
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a match that will combine the renewal of faith in democracy that comes from Halloween with the terror that comes from Election Day!
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions after defeating them four weeks ago. Will Detroit learn any lessons from their endless defeats? Or will the Lions have reason to fear the name “Neckbeard”?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Hussein Obama Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! The mariner’s curse will finally be lifted on one of the NFL’s two winless teams. ‘Twill be the Cincinnati Bengals defeating the Jacksonville Jags! The Detroit Lions will find no respite today or any other day this season!
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears are 22-1 when they play against teams with a feline name. Except for their embarrassing loss to the Libertyville High School football Wildcats in 1997. That was a bad year.
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: I’ve been crying lately, thinking about the world as it is.
Des: Well, when you’re standing at the edge of darkness, there rides the Peace Train. If you’re listening, Michael Savage, when Obama becomes President, your show will be replaced with an endless loop of “Peace Train” while illegal immigrants are destroying your borders, language, and culture. Try to sleep on that, won’t you? Albert Einstein. Pierce through the veil of falsehood for us.
AE: Guten tag, mein lutefisk. "Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods." Once again, I’m looking at you, Joe Buck.
Des: Prissy Minion. What now?
PM: Oh, Des. Have you ever watched the “Snoopy vs. the Red Baron” scene of “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown” while listening to “Goodbye, Blue Sky” by Pink Floyd? It’s magic!
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a match that will combine the renewal of faith in democracy that comes from Halloween with the terror that comes from Election Day!
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Bears vs. Vikings: 10-19-08
BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 10-19-08
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings after a disappointing loss to the Falcons. Will Chicago’s two minute defense be the equal of their two minute offense? Or will the Bears continue to throw life jackets instead of coffin nails at their opponents?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Horshack Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Me stomach continues to churn after drinkin’ me homemade rum of molasses, laundry detergent, Kool-aid mix, and Moxie cola, so me “upset” pick is going to be the Oakland Raiders defeating the New York Jets.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears are 17-10 when it’s the anniversary of Cornwallis’s surrender to George Washington. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: As Tom Robbins once said, “Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef.” Or a tur-duck-en, if you’re John Madden.
Des: Albert Einstein. Your impressions.
AE: Guten tag, meine kleinen Kinder. "Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism -- how passionately I hate them!" Except for Wayne Messmer’s “Star Spangled Banner.” Das ist eine National Treasure!
Des: Prissy Minion. What now?
PM: As Joseph Conrad said, “Words are great foes of reality.” Except your words, Des, which are delightfully illuminative.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears destroy their foes with a degree of thorough carnage not seen since Dr. Strange wiped out all vampires with the Montesi Formula.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings after a disappointing loss to the Falcons. Will Chicago’s two minute defense be the equal of their two minute offense? Or will the Bears continue to throw life jackets instead of coffin nails at their opponents?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Horshack Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Me stomach continues to churn after drinkin’ me homemade rum of molasses, laundry detergent, Kool-aid mix, and Moxie cola, so me “upset” pick is going to be the Oakland Raiders defeating the New York Jets.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears are 17-10 when it’s the anniversary of Cornwallis’s surrender to George Washington. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: As Tom Robbins once said, “Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef.” Or a tur-duck-en, if you’re John Madden.
Des: Albert Einstein. Your impressions.
AE: Guten tag, meine kleinen Kinder. "Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism -- how passionately I hate them!" Except for Wayne Messmer’s “Star Spangled Banner.” Das ist eine National Treasure!
Des: Prissy Minion. What now?
PM: As Joseph Conrad said, “Words are great foes of reality.” Except your words, Des, which are delightfully illuminative.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears destroy their foes with a degree of thorough carnage not seen since Dr. Strange wiped out all vampires with the Montesi Formula.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Bears vs. Falcons: 10-12-08
BEARS VS. FALCONS: 10-12-08
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Atlanta Falcons, another team that has feasted on weaker opponents. Will the Bears build on their merciless slaughter of the Detroit Lions? Or will Ron Turner’s “no coast” offense result in “no points” for the Bears?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Brangelina” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! The mariner’s curse has turned its malevolent eye on the Detroit Lions. What can they do to reverse their tragic fate? Nothing! AH, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA! AH, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA! BWAH, HA, HA, HA, HA, HAAAA!!!!!
Des: Thank you, Captain Maniacal. Who will win, Concord Peabody?
CP: Well, the Bears are 70-45 when it’s raining. Unfortunately, it’s bone dry. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: When you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.
Des: Thank you, Crosby, Stills, Nash, and loser. Albert Einstein. Your impressions.
AE: Guten tag, meine herren. "You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this?” And don’t get me started on the Internet, with its tubes and what not.
Des: Prissy Minion. What must the Bears do?
PM: Love like you’ve never been hurt, sing like no one is listening, and dance like no one is watching. Except I am watching you, Des.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears play in a series of games that will give you hope in November, but lead to bitter disappointment in January—like the upcoming election.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Atlanta Falcons, another team that has feasted on weaker opponents. Will the Bears build on their merciless slaughter of the Detroit Lions? Or will Ron Turner’s “no coast” offense result in “no points” for the Bears?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Brangelina” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! The mariner’s curse has turned its malevolent eye on the Detroit Lions. What can they do to reverse their tragic fate? Nothing! AH, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA! AH, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA! BWAH, HA, HA, HA, HA, HAAAA!!!!!
Des: Thank you, Captain Maniacal. Who will win, Concord Peabody?
CP: Well, the Bears are 70-45 when it’s raining. Unfortunately, it’s bone dry. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: When you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.
Des: Thank you, Crosby, Stills, Nash, and loser. Albert Einstein. Your impressions.
AE: Guten tag, meine herren. "You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this?” And don’t get me started on the Internet, with its tubes and what not.
Des: Prissy Minion. What must the Bears do?
PM: Love like you’ve never been hurt, sing like no one is listening, and dance like no one is watching. Except I am watching you, Des.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears play in a series of games that will give you hope in November, but lead to bitter disappointment in January—like the upcoming election.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Bears vs. Lions: 10-5-08
BEARS VS. LIONS: 10-5-08
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions, a team that has yet to win a game this season. Will the Bears overcome whatever obstacles their opponents throw their way, like the 2005 White Sox? Or will they collapse at the first sign of trouble, like the 1909 through 2008 Chicago Cubs?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Nosferatu Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! As one who has been afflicted by many a nautical curse after offending many a sea god, only I know how to end the Cubs’ 1000 year curse. The Cubs must burn down Wrigley Field. Every last brick must be annihilated down to the last atom! Indeed, all of historic Wrigley Ville must be purged by the cleansing fire in order to appease whatever magical goat deity Chicago has offended! Then the Cubs must be forced to wander the baseball wilderness for 40 years, playing “home” games solely in obscure Canadian cities, Puerto Rico, and Guam as the Chicago Orphans. Or they need better post season pitching.
Des: Returning to football, who will win, Concord Peabody?
CP: Well, the Bears are 695-510-42 lifetime when the Cubs have failed to play or win a World Series. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: The democratic-communist relationship won’t stand in the way of the Islamic force.
Des: An interesting time to inject politics into this clambake. Albert Einstein. Your impressions.
AE: Guten tag, meine Burger Chicagos. Two things are infinite: the universe and the Cubs curse, and I’m not sure about the universe.
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: As Jean-Paul Sartre once said, “Hell is for other people.” Unless you’re a Cubs fan.
Des: Sit back and watch in your beer-stained bean bag chair as the Bears grapple the Lions in a match that would help you forget about the Cubs… if only the outside world would let you!
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions, a team that has yet to win a game this season. Will the Bears overcome whatever obstacles their opponents throw their way, like the 2005 White Sox? Or will they collapse at the first sign of trouble, like the 1909 through 2008 Chicago Cubs?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Nosferatu Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! As one who has been afflicted by many a nautical curse after offending many a sea god, only I know how to end the Cubs’ 1000 year curse. The Cubs must burn down Wrigley Field. Every last brick must be annihilated down to the last atom! Indeed, all of historic Wrigley Ville must be purged by the cleansing fire in order to appease whatever magical goat deity Chicago has offended! Then the Cubs must be forced to wander the baseball wilderness for 40 years, playing “home” games solely in obscure Canadian cities, Puerto Rico, and Guam as the Chicago Orphans. Or they need better post season pitching.
Des: Returning to football, who will win, Concord Peabody?
CP: Well, the Bears are 695-510-42 lifetime when the Cubs have failed to play or win a World Series. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: The democratic-communist relationship won’t stand in the way of the Islamic force.
Des: An interesting time to inject politics into this clambake. Albert Einstein. Your impressions.
AE: Guten tag, meine Burger Chicagos. Two things are infinite: the universe and the Cubs curse, and I’m not sure about the universe.
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: As Jean-Paul Sartre once said, “Hell is for other people.” Unless you’re a Cubs fan.
Des: Sit back and watch in your beer-stained bean bag chair as the Bears grapple the Lions in a match that would help you forget about the Cubs… if only the outside world would let you!
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Bears vs. Eagles: 9-28-08
BEARS VS. EAGLES: 9-28-08
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Philadelphia Eagles, a team at the bottom of their division with a 2-1 record, while Chicago ranks 3rd with a 1-2 record. Will the Bears learn to avoid untimely penalties against their opponents? Or will an avalanche of yellow flags bury Chicago’s dreams of an 8-8 season?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Tripod Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and providing a dead scientist's perspective: Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! I be the crimson coated demon whose football predictions have filled the treasure chests of gamblers with more booty than a Congressional bailout. Attend me words as I select the winners of this week’s contests: The Buccaneers will scupper the Packers, the Raiders will plunder and impress the Chargers, the Vikings will eviscerate the Titans, and the Seahawks will… have a bye week. Here’s Red-beard’s “Must Avoid at All Costs like a Treacherous Iceberg or an Ancient Mariner’s Curse Game of the Week”: Cleveland versus Cincinnati. Why the NFL continues to waste its time with franchises in Ohio when they could transport these teams to coastal cities whose stadiums are well within the range of me naval bombardments is a question which continues to vex me.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CP: Well, the Bears are 9-1 when Kyle Orton drinks a pitcher of White Russians before the game, whether he’s on or off the bench. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: There’s a choice we’re making, we’re saving our own lives. It’s true, we make a better day, just you and me.
Des: We are the world, we are the children. Albert Einstein. Your impressions.
AE: Guten tag, mein Klein sportfreunds. “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
Des: Prissy Minion. Wrap this up!
PM: The only thing I want wrapped in a bow is you.
Des: (Note to self: Don’t let your expression betray the horror inside.) Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple for the ultimate prize: mastery of the nine realms… or a local car dealer endorsement.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Philadelphia Eagles, a team at the bottom of their division with a 2-1 record, while Chicago ranks 3rd with a 1-2 record. Will the Bears learn to avoid untimely penalties against their opponents? Or will an avalanche of yellow flags bury Chicago’s dreams of an 8-8 season?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Tripod Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and providing a dead scientist's perspective: Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! I be the crimson coated demon whose football predictions have filled the treasure chests of gamblers with more booty than a Congressional bailout. Attend me words as I select the winners of this week’s contests: The Buccaneers will scupper the Packers, the Raiders will plunder and impress the Chargers, the Vikings will eviscerate the Titans, and the Seahawks will… have a bye week. Here’s Red-beard’s “Must Avoid at All Costs like a Treacherous Iceberg or an Ancient Mariner’s Curse Game of the Week”: Cleveland versus Cincinnati. Why the NFL continues to waste its time with franchises in Ohio when they could transport these teams to coastal cities whose stadiums are well within the range of me naval bombardments is a question which continues to vex me.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CP: Well, the Bears are 9-1 when Kyle Orton drinks a pitcher of White Russians before the game, whether he’s on or off the bench. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: There’s a choice we’re making, we’re saving our own lives. It’s true, we make a better day, just you and me.
Des: We are the world, we are the children. Albert Einstein. Your impressions.
AE: Guten tag, mein Klein sportfreunds. “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
Des: Prissy Minion. Wrap this up!
PM: The only thing I want wrapped in a bow is you.
Des: (Note to self: Don’t let your expression betray the horror inside.) Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple for the ultimate prize: mastery of the nine realms… or a local car dealer endorsement.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Bears vs. Buccaneers: 9-21-08
BEARS VS. BUCCANEERS: 9-21-08
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, a team helmed by one of thousands of quarterbacks Chicago has kicked to the curb this decade. Will the Bears be able to play four quarters of football through better conditioning and a diverse playbook? Or will the offense be forced to score 40 points in the first half?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Barbarossa” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Ye athletic representatives of Miami, Cleveland, Cincinnati, and Detroit stand accused of football incompetence before the drum-head court of Barbarossa Hayreddin Pasha, Fleet Admiral of the Ottoman Navy! Sorry if I mispronounced me own name. It’s been 500 years since I was a Turk. I decree that the Cleveland Browns will fail to win a game this season. I have spoken! Imperious Rex!
Des: Uh, Captain, didn’t you predict that the Browns will go to the Super Bowl?
SR: Aye, I hang me head in shame.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CWP: Well, the Bears are 694-509-42 lifetime when the temperature is below Fahrenheit 451. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: When you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.
Des: Thanks, Neil Peart. Albert Einstein. Your impressions.
AE: Mein herr, "Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen." Haben sie das verstanden, Herr Madden?
Des: Back from the dead to insult sportscasters. A valuable use of necromancy! Prissy Minion. Put an exclamation point on this madness.
PM: Interjections! For excitement! And emotion!
Des: I saw that coming. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a clash that pales in comparison to the Cubs’ race for the pennant.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, a team helmed by one of thousands of quarterbacks Chicago has kicked to the curb this decade. Will the Bears be able to play four quarters of football through better conditioning and a diverse playbook? Or will the offense be forced to score 40 points in the first half?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Barbarossa” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Ye athletic representatives of Miami, Cleveland, Cincinnati, and Detroit stand accused of football incompetence before the drum-head court of Barbarossa Hayreddin Pasha, Fleet Admiral of the Ottoman Navy! Sorry if I mispronounced me own name. It’s been 500 years since I was a Turk. I decree that the Cleveland Browns will fail to win a game this season. I have spoken! Imperious Rex!
Des: Uh, Captain, didn’t you predict that the Browns will go to the Super Bowl?
SR: Aye, I hang me head in shame.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CWP: Well, the Bears are 694-509-42 lifetime when the temperature is below Fahrenheit 451. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: When you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.
Des: Thanks, Neil Peart. Albert Einstein. Your impressions.
AE: Mein herr, "Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen." Haben sie das verstanden, Herr Madden?
Des: Back from the dead to insult sportscasters. A valuable use of necromancy! Prissy Minion. Put an exclamation point on this madness.
PM: Interjections! For excitement! And emotion!
Des: I saw that coming. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a clash that pales in comparison to the Cubs’ race for the pennant.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Bears vs. Panthers: 9-14-08
BEARS VS. PANTHERS: 9-14-08
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Carolina Panthers, another team that pulled off an upset win. Will the Bears maintain the winning formula of a healthy defense, a competent offense, plus an injured opposing quarterback? Or will “friend of the web site” John Hundrieser be forced to endure his 40th birthday without the comforting escape of a Bears win? And by “friend”, I mean he wishes it no specific harm (to my knowledge).
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles dotcom Red-beard, Modre, the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Last night, I stared at a mirror and yelled “BLOODY MARY! BLOODY MARY! BLOODY MARY! BLOODY MARY! BLOODY MARY!” for two hours until the Treasure Map to the Super-Bowl revealed itself to me. In the AFC, I foresee Buffalo, Cleveland, Jacksonville, and Denver conquering their divisions, as Indianapolis and New England sneak in as the wild cards. For the NFC, I envision Chicago, New York, Carolina, and Arizona unfurling division championship banners, while Dallas and Minnesota must suffer the shame of being wild cards. Prepare yourselves for this prophecy, ye passengers on a ship of fools that requires the leadership that can only come from me steely blade: The Chicago Bears or maybe the Dallas Cowboys will defeat the Cleveland Browns in a Super-bowl that will bring no joy to fellow fictional curmudgeons Crankshaft or Harvey Pekar.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CP: The Bears are 1-0 when the price of oil is over $100 a barrel. Go Bears!
Des: Modre, the inscrutable Asian stereotype. What are your thoughts?
Modre: Sin’s a good man’s brother, but is that right?
Des: Uh, I… can’t answer that one. Albert Einstein. Your impressions.
AE: “Imagination is more important than knowledge”, mein liebchen. Unless you are Joe Buck. Das ist ein dumbkopf!!!
Des: Thanks, Baron Von Manson. Prissy Minion. What non-sequitor would you like to contribute?
PM: As Audrey Hepburn said, “Success is like reaching an important birthday and finding you’re exactly the same.”
Des: Sit back and watch with your back-stabbing, beer-stealing friends as the Bears face off in a glorious battle only to be overshadowed by the “baby bump” of Sarah Palin’s daughter.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Carolina Panthers, another team that pulled off an upset win. Will the Bears maintain the winning formula of a healthy defense, a competent offense, plus an injured opposing quarterback? Or will “friend of the web site” John Hundrieser be forced to endure his 40th birthday without the comforting escape of a Bears win? And by “friend”, I mean he wishes it no specific harm (to my knowledge).
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles dotcom Red-beard, Modre, the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Last night, I stared at a mirror and yelled “BLOODY MARY! BLOODY MARY! BLOODY MARY! BLOODY MARY! BLOODY MARY!” for two hours until the Treasure Map to the Super-Bowl revealed itself to me. In the AFC, I foresee Buffalo, Cleveland, Jacksonville, and Denver conquering their divisions, as Indianapolis and New England sneak in as the wild cards. For the NFC, I envision Chicago, New York, Carolina, and Arizona unfurling division championship banners, while Dallas and Minnesota must suffer the shame of being wild cards. Prepare yourselves for this prophecy, ye passengers on a ship of fools that requires the leadership that can only come from me steely blade: The Chicago Bears or maybe the Dallas Cowboys will defeat the Cleveland Browns in a Super-bowl that will bring no joy to fellow fictional curmudgeons Crankshaft or Harvey Pekar.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CP: The Bears are 1-0 when the price of oil is over $100 a barrel. Go Bears!
Des: Modre, the inscrutable Asian stereotype. What are your thoughts?
Modre: Sin’s a good man’s brother, but is that right?
Des: Uh, I… can’t answer that one. Albert Einstein. Your impressions.
AE: “Imagination is more important than knowledge”, mein liebchen. Unless you are Joe Buck. Das ist ein dumbkopf!!!
Des: Thanks, Baron Von Manson. Prissy Minion. What non-sequitor would you like to contribute?
PM: As Audrey Hepburn said, “Success is like reaching an important birthday and finding you’re exactly the same.”
Des: Sit back and watch with your back-stabbing, beer-stealing friends as the Bears face off in a glorious battle only to be overshadowed by the “baby bump” of Sarah Palin’s daughter.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Bears vs. Chargers: 9-7-08
BEARS VS. CHARGERS: 9-7-08
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Indianapolis Colts in a replay of tragic Super-bowl XLI. Will the Bears avenge their defeat with the three-headed monster of Orton, Grossman, and, uh, the third guy? Or will the Manning brothers inflict yet more punishment upon a hapless NFL?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Giggle-snort Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed dead scientist Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! The Mariners’ Curse has manifested its bloody scrawl upon me ship’s hull. Its red writing portends an 8-8 record for Chicago this season. The Bears will bloody its claws upon the Colts, Panthers, Lions, Falcons, the Lions again, Jaguars, Saints, and Texans. But they will fall to defeat against the Buccaneers, Eagles, Titans, Rams, the Vikings twice, and the Packers twice.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CWS: Well, uh, the Bears have won the last three Monday night games. Unfortunately, this is a Sunday game. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: He who hesitates is lost. Especially if you’re a Bears quarterback. Also, clothes make the man. Unless this is a “throwback” game.
Des: Albert Einstein. Your impressions.
AE: Just as e=mc squared is the formula for the atomic bomb, special teams are the formula for a Bears win, mein herr!
Des: Thanks, Colonel Klink. Prissy Minion. Your thoughts.
PM: My only thought is of you on a Bears rug, Des.
Des: Okay, then. Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a match that will make you forget about Super Bowl 41… after you’ve had 26 beers.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Indianapolis Colts in a replay of tragic Super-bowl XLI. Will the Bears avenge their defeat with the three-headed monster of Orton, Grossman, and, uh, the third guy? Or will the Manning brothers inflict yet more punishment upon a hapless NFL?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Giggle-snort Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed dead scientist Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! The Mariners’ Curse has manifested its bloody scrawl upon me ship’s hull. Its red writing portends an 8-8 record for Chicago this season. The Bears will bloody its claws upon the Colts, Panthers, Lions, Falcons, the Lions again, Jaguars, Saints, and Texans. But they will fall to defeat against the Buccaneers, Eagles, Titans, Rams, the Vikings twice, and the Packers twice.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CWS: Well, uh, the Bears have won the last three Monday night games. Unfortunately, this is a Sunday game. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: He who hesitates is lost. Especially if you’re a Bears quarterback. Also, clothes make the man. Unless this is a “throwback” game.
Des: Albert Einstein. Your impressions.
AE: Just as e=mc squared is the formula for the atomic bomb, special teams are the formula for a Bears win, mein herr!
Des: Thanks, Colonel Klink. Prissy Minion. Your thoughts.
PM: My only thought is of you on a Bears rug, Des.
Des: Okay, then. Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a match that will make you forget about Super Bowl 41… after you’ve had 26 beers.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Bears v Seahawks: 11-18-07
BEARS VS. SEAHAWKS: 11-18-07
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Seattle Seahawks after defeating the Oakland Raiders with acceptable defense and one good pass from Rex Grossman. Will Chicago be able run the table by catching seven consecutive teams looking past the Bears? Or will Kyle Ortin be the topic of next week’s quarterback controversy?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Cobra Commander Red-beard, Modre the font of trans-Western wisdom, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky Mc Dumb-ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Sailing off the Pacific Coast, a Seahawk deposited sacred guano upon me red bandana. Therefore, the Bears will defeat the Seahawks in a 13-10 nail-biter… or, in my case, a hook-buffing, which truly be a soothing way to release nervous energy before engaging a Carnival cruise ship on the field of battle. Oh, the shuffle board decks ‘twill be soaked with the blood of unsuspecting tourists, laddies!
Des: Drunky Mc Dumb-ass. What’s happening in tailgate-land?
DMD: Uh, I passed out drunk and somebody duct taped me naked to an elevator floor. At least I think it’s an elevator. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: The hand that caresses can also slap. Or give a karate chop to the solar plexus.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CWP: Well, the Bears are 15-4 lifetime against teams whose coach weighs more than their offensive line. Go Bears!
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: As Jacques Derrida once said, “As soon as there is language, generality has entered the scene.” Unless it’s one of your tapes, Des, which are delightfully random!
Des: Uh… sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a match that will make you reconsider what it means to be human! Or… something slightly less pretentious.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Seattle Seahawks after defeating the Oakland Raiders with acceptable defense and one good pass from Rex Grossman. Will Chicago be able run the table by catching seven consecutive teams looking past the Bears? Or will Kyle Ortin be the topic of next week’s quarterback controversy?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Cobra Commander Red-beard, Modre the font of trans-Western wisdom, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky Mc Dumb-ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Sailing off the Pacific Coast, a Seahawk deposited sacred guano upon me red bandana. Therefore, the Bears will defeat the Seahawks in a 13-10 nail-biter… or, in my case, a hook-buffing, which truly be a soothing way to release nervous energy before engaging a Carnival cruise ship on the field of battle. Oh, the shuffle board decks ‘twill be soaked with the blood of unsuspecting tourists, laddies!
Des: Drunky Mc Dumb-ass. What’s happening in tailgate-land?
DMD: Uh, I passed out drunk and somebody duct taped me naked to an elevator floor. At least I think it’s an elevator. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: The hand that caresses can also slap. Or give a karate chop to the solar plexus.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CWP: Well, the Bears are 15-4 lifetime against teams whose coach weighs more than their offensive line. Go Bears!
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: As Jacques Derrida once said, “As soon as there is language, generality has entered the scene.” Unless it’s one of your tapes, Des, which are delightfully random!
Des: Uh… sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a match that will make you reconsider what it means to be human! Or… something slightly less pretentious.
Bears v Raiders: 11-11-07
BEARS VS. RAIDERS: 11-11-07
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Oakland Raiders after having two weeks to ponder their loss against Detroit. Will the Bears be able to defeat another lackluster team? Or will Chicago sports fans have to find some other bandwagon to jump on?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “CAVE-MAAAAN!” Red-beard, Modre the font of trans-Western wisdom, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky Mc Dumb-ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! This Sunday, the Bears must engage me beloved Raiders on the field of battle. I must betray me nautical heritage and predict a Bears victory against a team that would fail to terrify even the scurvy Captain Squiffy DuFluffypants and His Merry Margarita Mariners.
Des: Drunky Mc Dumb-ass. What’s happening in tailgate-land?
DMD: The flames from my trash can BBQ have escaped and are burning down my Bears trailer. Luckily, my kids are spread out with my various ex wives. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What’s the Bears wining formula?
Modre: The square root of infinity divided by zero. Or a better turnover ratio.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CWP: Well, the Bears are 17-6 lifetime against teams whose fans’ alcohol consumption exceeds that of Russia. Go Bears!
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: As Michel Foucault once said, “The power to punish is not essentially different from that of curing or educating.” Or sports broadcasting.
Des: Uh… sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a match that will dazzle your senses and challenge your mind! Or make you bloated and sleepy.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Oakland Raiders after having two weeks to ponder their loss against Detroit. Will the Bears be able to defeat another lackluster team? Or will Chicago sports fans have to find some other bandwagon to jump on?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “CAVE-MAAAAN!” Red-beard, Modre the font of trans-Western wisdom, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky Mc Dumb-ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! This Sunday, the Bears must engage me beloved Raiders on the field of battle. I must betray me nautical heritage and predict a Bears victory against a team that would fail to terrify even the scurvy Captain Squiffy DuFluffypants and His Merry Margarita Mariners.
Des: Drunky Mc Dumb-ass. What’s happening in tailgate-land?
DMD: The flames from my trash can BBQ have escaped and are burning down my Bears trailer. Luckily, my kids are spread out with my various ex wives. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What’s the Bears wining formula?
Modre: The square root of infinity divided by zero. Or a better turnover ratio.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CWP: Well, the Bears are 17-6 lifetime against teams whose fans’ alcohol consumption exceeds that of Russia. Go Bears!
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: As Michel Foucault once said, “The power to punish is not essentially different from that of curing or educating.” Or sports broadcasting.
Des: Uh… sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a match that will dazzle your senses and challenge your mind! Or make you bloated and sleepy.
Bears v Lions: 10-28-07
BEARS VS. LIONS: 10-28-07
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions in a game that may avenge Chicago’s embarrassing fourth quarter collapse in week 4. Will the Bears offense and defense be so vanilla that the opposing team will be lulled into a deep slumber, enabling the Bears to win during the last ten minutes of play? Or will the Bears 4-second defense fail to restrain the Lions’ offense?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “the Cure” Red-beard, Modre the font of trans-Western wisdom, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky Mc Dumb-ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Since damaging me gastro-intestinal tract is the only way I can devise accurate predictions, I swallowed 1 ¾ cups of Clorox 2, which I normally use to swab the poop deck to unsuccessfully prevent scabies. Me “upset” pick: the Miami Dolphins will defeat the New York Giants across the pond in a match that will truly display the best of American football to our English cousins… upon whom I will soon wreak a horrible vengeance for their naval atrocities during the War of 1812!
Des: Drunky Mc Dumb-ass. What’s happening in tailgate-land?
DMD: I’m sitting in Bears jail for throwing a beer bottle at Joe Buck. Or maybe it was some kid. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: What a fool believes he sees, no wise man has the power to reason away. Not even one with the combined wisdom of Shuma-Gorath and Vishnu!
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CWP: Well, the Bears are 13-3 lifetime against teams whose combined income exceeds the entire city of Detroit. Go Bears!
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: As Camus once said, “Man is the only creature who refuses to be what he is.” And what are you, Des?
Des: Uh… sit back and watch your hypnotic Soldier Field snow globe as the Bears grapple in a match that will answer questions you shouldn’t have asked!
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions in a game that may avenge Chicago’s embarrassing fourth quarter collapse in week 4. Will the Bears offense and defense be so vanilla that the opposing team will be lulled into a deep slumber, enabling the Bears to win during the last ten minutes of play? Or will the Bears 4-second defense fail to restrain the Lions’ offense?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “the Cure” Red-beard, Modre the font of trans-Western wisdom, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky Mc Dumb-ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Since damaging me gastro-intestinal tract is the only way I can devise accurate predictions, I swallowed 1 ¾ cups of Clorox 2, which I normally use to swab the poop deck to unsuccessfully prevent scabies. Me “upset” pick: the Miami Dolphins will defeat the New York Giants across the pond in a match that will truly display the best of American football to our English cousins… upon whom I will soon wreak a horrible vengeance for their naval atrocities during the War of 1812!
Des: Drunky Mc Dumb-ass. What’s happening in tailgate-land?
DMD: I’m sitting in Bears jail for throwing a beer bottle at Joe Buck. Or maybe it was some kid. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: What a fool believes he sees, no wise man has the power to reason away. Not even one with the combined wisdom of Shuma-Gorath and Vishnu!
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CWP: Well, the Bears are 13-3 lifetime against teams whose combined income exceeds the entire city of Detroit. Go Bears!
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: As Camus once said, “Man is the only creature who refuses to be what he is.” And what are you, Des?
Des: Uh… sit back and watch your hypnotic Soldier Field snow globe as the Bears grapple in a match that will answer questions you shouldn’t have asked!
Bears v Eagles: 10-21-07
BEARS VS. EAGLES: 10-21-07
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Philadelphia Eagles in a game that was supposed to be the marquee match-up until a resurgent Dallas Cowboys nudged the Bears out of the spotlight. Will the Bears take advantage of this opportunity to rebuild under the radar? Or will defensive injuries and erratic quarterbacking reduce the Bears to a pleasant Sunday diversion?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Pokemon Red-beard, Modre the font of trans-Western wisdom, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky Mc Dumb-ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! The whale I slaughtered and consumed for breakfast is giving me a mighty upset stomach that not even the pinkest of bismuth can sooth. Therefore, me “upset” pick this Sunday ‘twill be the Buffalo Bills defeating the Baltimore Ravens.
Des: Uh, Captain, you do realize that none of your picks this season have won.
SR: Oh, fathers Neptune and Poseidon! Why have you forsaken me?!?
Des: Drunky Mc Dumb-ass. What’s happening in tailgate-land?
DMD: My skin is burning from using acrylic spray paint to cover my face in orange and blue. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: For the Bears to win, they must not think bad thoughts, despite numerous opportunities they may have to do so.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CWP: Well, the Bears are 21-11 lifetime against teams where only 37% of its members are Freemasons. I can’t say which ones, though. Go Bears!
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: As Socrates once said, "By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.”
Des: How’s that woman-haters’ club coming along, Prissy? Sit back and watch in your Maury Buford… I mean, Rex Grossman… jersey as the Bears grapple in a match that will erase all doubt… that instant replay would be really bad for baseball.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Philadelphia Eagles in a game that was supposed to be the marquee match-up until a resurgent Dallas Cowboys nudged the Bears out of the spotlight. Will the Bears take advantage of this opportunity to rebuild under the radar? Or will defensive injuries and erratic quarterbacking reduce the Bears to a pleasant Sunday diversion?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Pokemon Red-beard, Modre the font of trans-Western wisdom, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky Mc Dumb-ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! The whale I slaughtered and consumed for breakfast is giving me a mighty upset stomach that not even the pinkest of bismuth can sooth. Therefore, me “upset” pick this Sunday ‘twill be the Buffalo Bills defeating the Baltimore Ravens.
Des: Uh, Captain, you do realize that none of your picks this season have won.
SR: Oh, fathers Neptune and Poseidon! Why have you forsaken me?!?
Des: Drunky Mc Dumb-ass. What’s happening in tailgate-land?
DMD: My skin is burning from using acrylic spray paint to cover my face in orange and blue. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: For the Bears to win, they must not think bad thoughts, despite numerous opportunities they may have to do so.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CWP: Well, the Bears are 21-11 lifetime against teams where only 37% of its members are Freemasons. I can’t say which ones, though. Go Bears!
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: As Socrates once said, "By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.”
Des: How’s that woman-haters’ club coming along, Prissy? Sit back and watch in your Maury Buford… I mean, Rex Grossman… jersey as the Bears grapple in a match that will erase all doubt… that instant replay would be really bad for baseball.
Bears v Vikings: 10-14-07
BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 10-14-07
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings, a team plagued by injured quarterbacks and locker room fights. Will the Bears take advantage of this opportunity to go 3-3? Or will the Bears offense score more points for the Vikings than the Vikings offense?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Red-rum Red-beard, Modre font of trans-Western wisdom, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky Mc Dumb-ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! After stirring me slop bucket with the Silver Oar of Long John Silver, an image forms of the Colts defeating the Lions.
Des: Uh, Captain, the Colts and Lions both have bye weeks this Sunday.
SR: Are ye challenging me authority, Des? You’ll be dancing the hempen jig for your impudence!
Des: Meaning what?
SR: You’ll be hung, Des. Try to keep up with the hip new lingo all the cabin boys are using.
Des: Drunky Mc Dumb-ass. What’s happening in tailgate-land?
DMD: My Bears Winnebago was ransacked while I was passed out. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: The Bears must leave their happy space and find their angry space that dwells within all NFL players.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CWP: Well, the Bears are 16-7 lifetime against teams with Astroturf made by the Monsanto Corporation. Go Bears!
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: As Immanuel Kant once said, "Only the descent into the hell of self-knowledge can pave the way to godliness.” Does this remind you of someone you know, Des?
Des: Sit back and watch in your crushed velour Bears Polo shirt and don’t pass out drunk, unless you want to awaken as a Pod person - - or a Raiders fan.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings, a team plagued by injured quarterbacks and locker room fights. Will the Bears take advantage of this opportunity to go 3-3? Or will the Bears offense score more points for the Vikings than the Vikings offense?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Red-rum Red-beard, Modre font of trans-Western wisdom, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky Mc Dumb-ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! After stirring me slop bucket with the Silver Oar of Long John Silver, an image forms of the Colts defeating the Lions.
Des: Uh, Captain, the Colts and Lions both have bye weeks this Sunday.
SR: Are ye challenging me authority, Des? You’ll be dancing the hempen jig for your impudence!
Des: Meaning what?
SR: You’ll be hung, Des. Try to keep up with the hip new lingo all the cabin boys are using.
Des: Drunky Mc Dumb-ass. What’s happening in tailgate-land?
DMD: My Bears Winnebago was ransacked while I was passed out. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: The Bears must leave their happy space and find their angry space that dwells within all NFL players.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CWP: Well, the Bears are 16-7 lifetime against teams with Astroturf made by the Monsanto Corporation. Go Bears!
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: As Immanuel Kant once said, "Only the descent into the hell of self-knowledge can pave the way to godliness.” Does this remind you of someone you know, Des?
Des: Sit back and watch in your crushed velour Bears Polo shirt and don’t pass out drunk, unless you want to awaken as a Pod person - - or a Raiders fan.
Bears v Packers: 10-7-07
BEARS VS. PACKERS: 10-7-07
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers, a team whose resurgence is powered by the cheese-fed arterio-sclerotic genius of Brett Favre. Will the Bears defense force Favre to try to save his team all by his lonesome? Or will the Packers score 60 points during the last two minutes of each half?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Lucifer Red-beard, Modre the font of trans-Western wisdom, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky Mc Dumb-ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! After I constructed a fetish of Captain Stubing from TV’s Love Boat, I commanded him to reveal this week’s sure-fire pick: ‘tis the Denver Broncos that will emerge victorious this week against the floundering San Diego Chargers.
Des: Drunky Mc Dumb-ass. What’s happening in tailgate-land?
DMD: My kids wandered off and I’m missing my Bloody Mary thermos. I’ve got more tomato juice, though. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: The Bears must master the art of striking their opponents unawares. Therefore, Brian Griese must blind the Packers defense with dazzling offensive plays. Or flash paper.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CWP: Well, the Bears are 7-4 lifetime against teams located above the 38th parallel. Go Bears!
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: As Jean-Paul Sartre once said, “Hell is for other people.” Unless you’re a Cubs fan.
Des: Sit back and watch in your inflatable Bears chair, as the Bears grapple in a match that will make you forget that the Presidential race has already been decided in secret.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers, a team whose resurgence is powered by the cheese-fed arterio-sclerotic genius of Brett Favre. Will the Bears defense force Favre to try to save his team all by his lonesome? Or will the Packers score 60 points during the last two minutes of each half?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Lucifer Red-beard, Modre the font of trans-Western wisdom, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky Mc Dumb-ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! After I constructed a fetish of Captain Stubing from TV’s Love Boat, I commanded him to reveal this week’s sure-fire pick: ‘tis the Denver Broncos that will emerge victorious this week against the floundering San Diego Chargers.
Des: Drunky Mc Dumb-ass. What’s happening in tailgate-land?
DMD: My kids wandered off and I’m missing my Bloody Mary thermos. I’ve got more tomato juice, though. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: The Bears must master the art of striking their opponents unawares. Therefore, Brian Griese must blind the Packers defense with dazzling offensive plays. Or flash paper.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CWP: Well, the Bears are 7-4 lifetime against teams located above the 38th parallel. Go Bears!
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: As Jean-Paul Sartre once said, “Hell is for other people.” Unless you’re a Cubs fan.
Des: Sit back and watch in your inflatable Bears chair, as the Bears grapple in a match that will make you forget that the Presidential race has already been decided in secret.
Bears v Lions- 9-30-07
BEARS VS. LIONS: 9-30-07
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions, a team whose quarterback has promised a random number of wins this season. Will Brian Griese provide a spark to Ron Turner’s moribund offense? Or will the Bears be overshadowed by the Cubs’ run for the pennant?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Gargamel Red-beard, Modre the font of trans-Western wisdom, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky Mc Dumb-ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Ye stand before Captain Red-beard’s Court of Jamaican Justice. After ye plead your case, I retire to me “chambers” and inhale the vapors of vengeance, balanced by the beverage of beneficence. Then I return drunk and stoned to render me verdict. I find the Buffalo Bills and Atlanta Falcons guilty of the crime of football incompetence and predict that both teams will fall to an 0-4 record today.
Des: Drunky Mc Dumb-ass. What’s happening in tailgate-land?
DMD: Me and my buddies drank two kegs of beer, one box of wine, and a fifth of Jack Daniels. And that was before we left Schaumburg to drive to Soldier Field. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: Football is like a game of Connect Four. The Bears must employ strategies that leave their opponents thinking, “Pretty sneaky, sis.”
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CWP: Well, the Bears are 9-1 lifetime when the misery index of inflation and the prime rate exceed 10 points. Go Bears!
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: As John Maynard Keynes once said, “In the long run, we’re all dead.”
Des: Sit back and watch on your Quasar, by Motorola, as the Bears grapple in a match that, hopefully, is not a metaphor for something in your personal life.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions, a team whose quarterback has promised a random number of wins this season. Will Brian Griese provide a spark to Ron Turner’s moribund offense? Or will the Bears be overshadowed by the Cubs’ run for the pennant?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Gargamel Red-beard, Modre the font of trans-Western wisdom, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky Mc Dumb-ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Ye stand before Captain Red-beard’s Court of Jamaican Justice. After ye plead your case, I retire to me “chambers” and inhale the vapors of vengeance, balanced by the beverage of beneficence. Then I return drunk and stoned to render me verdict. I find the Buffalo Bills and Atlanta Falcons guilty of the crime of football incompetence and predict that both teams will fall to an 0-4 record today.
Des: Drunky Mc Dumb-ass. What’s happening in tailgate-land?
DMD: Me and my buddies drank two kegs of beer, one box of wine, and a fifth of Jack Daniels. And that was before we left Schaumburg to drive to Soldier Field. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: Football is like a game of Connect Four. The Bears must employ strategies that leave their opponents thinking, “Pretty sneaky, sis.”
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CWP: Well, the Bears are 9-1 lifetime when the misery index of inflation and the prime rate exceed 10 points. Go Bears!
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: As John Maynard Keynes once said, “In the long run, we’re all dead.”
Des: Sit back and watch on your Quasar, by Motorola, as the Bears grapple in a match that, hopefully, is not a metaphor for something in your personal life.
Bears v Cowboys 9-23-07
BEARS VS. COWBOYS: 9-23-07
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Dallas Cowboys, a team that is struggling mightily with a 2-0 record after the departures of Drew Bledsoe and the Big Tuna. Will the Bears defense prevent the Cowboys’ offense--- and Bears’ offense--- from scoring 40 points against them? Or will the turnover ratio be 10 to 7 in the Cowboys’ favor?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Bubble-vicious” Red-beard, Modre the font of trans-Western wisdom, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky Mc Dumb-ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Ye stand accused before Captain Red-beard’s drum-head court of football infamy. The AFC east division will not win a single game this season, with the exception of the New England Patriots. What must you do to save yourselves? Fall on your one good knee and plead for the mercy of this court, and, maybe, just maybe, I’ll reveal the frequencies to Coach Belichek’s headsets.
Des: Drunky Mc Dumb-ass. What’s happening in tailgate-land?
DMD: I burned a bunch of lines on my face after passing out on my grill. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: When the Bears offense and defense are linked together like the hands that once crossed America and solved the homeless crisis, then even once-disposable heroes will transcend their obvious limitations.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CWP: Well, the Bears are 7-4 lifetime against teams who have a 20 point IQ differential with the Bears. Notice I didn’t say in which direction. Go Bears!
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: As Nietzsche said, “Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies”. I don’t think they mean criminal convictions. I hope.
Des: Sit back and watch on your “Oooo, I’m so cool” I-pod as the Bears face off in a clash that will mark an important turning point… in your doomed marriage.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Dallas Cowboys, a team that is struggling mightily with a 2-0 record after the departures of Drew Bledsoe and the Big Tuna. Will the Bears defense prevent the Cowboys’ offense--- and Bears’ offense--- from scoring 40 points against them? Or will the turnover ratio be 10 to 7 in the Cowboys’ favor?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Bubble-vicious” Red-beard, Modre the font of trans-Western wisdom, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky Mc Dumb-ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Ye stand accused before Captain Red-beard’s drum-head court of football infamy. The AFC east division will not win a single game this season, with the exception of the New England Patriots. What must you do to save yourselves? Fall on your one good knee and plead for the mercy of this court, and, maybe, just maybe, I’ll reveal the frequencies to Coach Belichek’s headsets.
Des: Drunky Mc Dumb-ass. What’s happening in tailgate-land?
DMD: I burned a bunch of lines on my face after passing out on my grill. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: When the Bears offense and defense are linked together like the hands that once crossed America and solved the homeless crisis, then even once-disposable heroes will transcend their obvious limitations.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CWP: Well, the Bears are 7-4 lifetime against teams who have a 20 point IQ differential with the Bears. Notice I didn’t say in which direction. Go Bears!
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: As Nietzsche said, “Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies”. I don’t think they mean criminal convictions. I hope.
Des: Sit back and watch on your “Oooo, I’m so cool” I-pod as the Bears face off in a clash that will mark an important turning point… in your doomed marriage.
Bears v Chiefs: 9-16-07
BEARS VS. CHIEFS: 9-16-07
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Kansas City Chiefs, a team that has never quite lived up to expectations. Will Rex Grossman gain the composure and consistency that has eluded him throughout his professional career? Or will Kyle Orton have to “bear up” with a Thermos of White Russians to take on the Chiefs’ defense?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles DuFarquar Red-beard, Modre the font of trans-Western wisdom, the Prissy Minion, and introducing tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky Mc Dumb-ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Over the weekend, as I was sailing the Straits of Magellan, I stared into the abyss, which also stared back at me… and gave me a vision of this year’s playoffs. Here be Captain Red-beard’s treasure map to the Super-bowl: In the AFC, I foresee New England, Cincinnati, Tennessee, and Denver conquering their divisions, as Indianapolis and Kansas City sneak in as the wild cards. For the NFC, I envision Chicago, Dallas, Carolina, and St. Louis unfurling division championship banners, while Green Bay and Philadelphia must suffer the ignominy of being wild cards. Prepare yourselves for this prediction, ye minnows in a gambling pool that be too murky for one without the vision of me unseeing glass eye: The Chicago Bears will defeat the New England Patriots in this year’s Super-bowl, as Bill Belichek’s subterfuge will not be enough to confuse Brad Maynard, who will be the Bears quarterback by then. And if that doesn’t happen, then it’ll be Dallas vs. Denver, in a repeat of a less interesting Super-bowl.
Des: Drunky Mc Dumb-ass. What’s happening in tailgate-land?
DMD: I’ve been drunk longer then Rex Grossman’s been alive. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: When the forces of celestial light and darkness are in perfect alignment, then Mike Brown might play more than a game and half per season.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CWP: Well, the Bears are 15-5 lifetime against teams with Native American mascots when the air pressure is 900 to 1,100 millibars and the Gross Domestic Product annual increase is 3.9%. Go Bears!
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: As Nietzsche said, “What is new, however, is always evil… and only what is old is good.” That’s from The Gay Science, Des. Think about it.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Kansas City Chiefs, a team that has never quite lived up to expectations. Will Rex Grossman gain the composure and consistency that has eluded him throughout his professional career? Or will Kyle Orton have to “bear up” with a Thermos of White Russians to take on the Chiefs’ defense?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles DuFarquar Red-beard, Modre the font of trans-Western wisdom, the Prissy Minion, and introducing tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky Mc Dumb-ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Over the weekend, as I was sailing the Straits of Magellan, I stared into the abyss, which also stared back at me… and gave me a vision of this year’s playoffs. Here be Captain Red-beard’s treasure map to the Super-bowl: In the AFC, I foresee New England, Cincinnati, Tennessee, and Denver conquering their divisions, as Indianapolis and Kansas City sneak in as the wild cards. For the NFC, I envision Chicago, Dallas, Carolina, and St. Louis unfurling division championship banners, while Green Bay and Philadelphia must suffer the ignominy of being wild cards. Prepare yourselves for this prediction, ye minnows in a gambling pool that be too murky for one without the vision of me unseeing glass eye: The Chicago Bears will defeat the New England Patriots in this year’s Super-bowl, as Bill Belichek’s subterfuge will not be enough to confuse Brad Maynard, who will be the Bears quarterback by then. And if that doesn’t happen, then it’ll be Dallas vs. Denver, in a repeat of a less interesting Super-bowl.
Des: Drunky Mc Dumb-ass. What’s happening in tailgate-land?
DMD: I’ve been drunk longer then Rex Grossman’s been alive. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: When the forces of celestial light and darkness are in perfect alignment, then Mike Brown might play more than a game and half per season.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CWP: Well, the Bears are 15-5 lifetime against teams with Native American mascots when the air pressure is 900 to 1,100 millibars and the Gross Domestic Product annual increase is 3.9%. Go Bears!
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: As Nietzsche said, “What is new, however, is always evil… and only what is old is good.” That’s from The Gay Science, Des. Think about it.
Bears v Chargers: 9-9-07
BEARS VS. CHARGERS: 9-9-07
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the San Diego Chargers, a team in disarray after the firing of Marty Shottenheimer. Will the Chargers answer the challenge presented by the Bears? Or will the entire offensive line find themselves imprisoned by some bizarre allegation involving strippers, steroids, gambling, guns, drugs, and dwarves?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Satanicus Red-beard, Modre the font of trans-Western wisdom, and the Prissy Minion.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Prepare to fill your treasure chests with gambling booty as Captain Red-beard unveils his predictions for this Bears season, as unveiled to me by Cthulu, the hip, new deity of evil, unlike Loki, last year’s flavor of the month. And Cthulu has tentacles, which fits in with the nautical motif I’ve tried so hard to maintain. I foresee the Bears going 11-5 this season, defeating the Chargers, Chiefs, Cowboys, Giants, and Redskins, plus their division rivals Packers, Lions, and Vikings twice. But they will fall to defeat against the might of the Eagles, Raiders, Seahawks, Broncos, and Saints.
Des: Lee Belcher. What are the Bears’ keys to victory?
Lee: Keys to victory, Des? Like the keys I used to scratch the paint off your loser-mobile? The key to victory is for the Bears to use quarterbacks like pitchers in baseball. Rex Grossman should be the starting quarterback, then Brian Griese should be the reliever, and Kyle Orton should be the closer. It worked in pre-season.
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: When the waterfall of certain victory crashes against the rocks of despair, there you will find Rex Grossman in a football shaped barrel.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CWP: Well, Des, the Bears are 11-4 lifetime against West Coast teams that start and end with the letter “S” when the relative humidity is 25 to 50% and the Forbes 500 has outperformed the stock marker. Go Bears!
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: With a loaf of bread, a container of milk, and you.
Des: Okay, then. Sit back and watch in an arterio-sclerotic hell of your own making as the Bears face off in a glorious battle that will make you forget your mounting credit card debt until they cut off your cable.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the San Diego Chargers, a team in disarray after the firing of Marty Shottenheimer. Will the Chargers answer the challenge presented by the Bears? Or will the entire offensive line find themselves imprisoned by some bizarre allegation involving strippers, steroids, gambling, guns, drugs, and dwarves?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Satanicus Red-beard, Modre the font of trans-Western wisdom, and the Prissy Minion.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Prepare to fill your treasure chests with gambling booty as Captain Red-beard unveils his predictions for this Bears season, as unveiled to me by Cthulu, the hip, new deity of evil, unlike Loki, last year’s flavor of the month. And Cthulu has tentacles, which fits in with the nautical motif I’ve tried so hard to maintain. I foresee the Bears going 11-5 this season, defeating the Chargers, Chiefs, Cowboys, Giants, and Redskins, plus their division rivals Packers, Lions, and Vikings twice. But they will fall to defeat against the might of the Eagles, Raiders, Seahawks, Broncos, and Saints.
Des: Lee Belcher. What are the Bears’ keys to victory?
Lee: Keys to victory, Des? Like the keys I used to scratch the paint off your loser-mobile? The key to victory is for the Bears to use quarterbacks like pitchers in baseball. Rex Grossman should be the starting quarterback, then Brian Griese should be the reliever, and Kyle Orton should be the closer. It worked in pre-season.
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: When the waterfall of certain victory crashes against the rocks of despair, there you will find Rex Grossman in a football shaped barrel.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CWP: Well, Des, the Bears are 11-4 lifetime against West Coast teams that start and end with the letter “S” when the relative humidity is 25 to 50% and the Forbes 500 has outperformed the stock marker. Go Bears!
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: With a loaf of bread, a container of milk, and you.
Des: Okay, then. Sit back and watch in an arterio-sclerotic hell of your own making as the Bears face off in a glorious battle that will make you forget your mounting credit card debt until they cut off your cable.
02-04-07 Bears vs. Colts
02-04-07: BEARS VS. COLTS
Des: Welcome to the Super-bowl edition of the Chicago Bears football pre game show.
The Bears face off against the Indianapolis Colts, as predicted by Captain Redbeard during Week 2 of the regular season. Will the Bears complete their improbable journey to championship greatness? Or will Payton Manning finally silence the critics of his ubiquitous Visa ads?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Tomczak Redbeard, Modre the font of trans-Western wisdom, the Prissy Minion, and disgruntled ’87 Spare Bear, Bjorn Stangerland.
SR: ARRRH… Well, Father Neptune, whose dolphin-esque melodic revelations foreshadowed this year’s Super-bowl, and who be the source of all true wisdom, both on and off the Seven Seas, has once again chosen me as his Earthly vessel. By staring into a toilet bowl until Neptune’s visage replaced my own, I have divined a Bears victory as Payton Manning will somehow throw interceptions into the arms of every single Bears defenseman. ‘Twill be the first Super-bowl won without the winning team’s quarterback throwin’ a single pass.
Des: Thank you, Captain. Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts about the Super-bowl?
CWS: I am fully prepared to add another level to my display case of my 1985 Bears action figures with the heroes of today’s Super-bowl.
Des: Bjorn Stangerland. Your response.
BS: I’m still angry that former fellow Spare Bear and New Orleans coach Sean Peyton did not beat the Bears last week.
Des: Modre, how will the Bears emerge victorious?
M: Your football Bears must become their opponents. Only slightly better.
Des: Prissy Minion. What creepy fantasy will you use to finish off this pre-game show?
PM: Oh, Des, just watching your child like joy as the Bears win another Super-bowl is enough for me.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in their second Super-bowl, and resist the temptation to turn over and burn your neighbors’ cars. Unless your neighbor happens to be Joe Buck.
Des: Welcome to the Super-bowl edition of the Chicago Bears football pre game show.
The Bears face off against the Indianapolis Colts, as predicted by Captain Redbeard during Week 2 of the regular season. Will the Bears complete their improbable journey to championship greatness? Or will Payton Manning finally silence the critics of his ubiquitous Visa ads?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Tomczak Redbeard, Modre the font of trans-Western wisdom, the Prissy Minion, and disgruntled ’87 Spare Bear, Bjorn Stangerland.
SR: ARRRH… Well, Father Neptune, whose dolphin-esque melodic revelations foreshadowed this year’s Super-bowl, and who be the source of all true wisdom, both on and off the Seven Seas, has once again chosen me as his Earthly vessel. By staring into a toilet bowl until Neptune’s visage replaced my own, I have divined a Bears victory as Payton Manning will somehow throw interceptions into the arms of every single Bears defenseman. ‘Twill be the first Super-bowl won without the winning team’s quarterback throwin’ a single pass.
Des: Thank you, Captain. Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts about the Super-bowl?
CWS: I am fully prepared to add another level to my display case of my 1985 Bears action figures with the heroes of today’s Super-bowl.
Des: Bjorn Stangerland. Your response.
BS: I’m still angry that former fellow Spare Bear and New Orleans coach Sean Peyton did not beat the Bears last week.
Des: Modre, how will the Bears emerge victorious?
M: Your football Bears must become their opponents. Only slightly better.
Des: Prissy Minion. What creepy fantasy will you use to finish off this pre-game show?
PM: Oh, Des, just watching your child like joy as the Bears win another Super-bowl is enough for me.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in their second Super-bowl, and resist the temptation to turn over and burn your neighbors’ cars. Unless your neighbor happens to be Joe Buck.
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