BEARS VS. CHARGERS: 9-7-08
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Indianapolis Colts in a replay of tragic Super-bowl XLI. Will the Bears avenge their defeat with the three-headed monster of Orton, Grossman, and, uh, the third guy? Or will the Manning brothers inflict yet more punishment upon a hapless NFL?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Giggle-snort Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed dead scientist Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! The Mariners’ Curse has manifested its bloody scrawl upon me ship’s hull. Its red writing portends an 8-8 record for Chicago this season. The Bears will bloody its claws upon the Colts, Panthers, Lions, Falcons, the Lions again, Jaguars, Saints, and Texans. But they will fall to defeat against the Buccaneers, Eagles, Titans, Rams, the Vikings twice, and the Packers twice.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CWS: Well, uh, the Bears have won the last three Monday night games. Unfortunately, this is a Sunday game. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: He who hesitates is lost. Especially if you’re a Bears quarterback. Also, clothes make the man. Unless this is a “throwback” game.
Des: Albert Einstein. Your impressions.
AE: Just as e=mc squared is the formula for the atomic bomb, special teams are the formula for a Bears win, mein herr!
Des: Thanks, Colonel Klink. Prissy Minion. Your thoughts.
PM: My only thought is of you on a Bears rug, Des.
Des: Okay, then. Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a match that will make you forget about Super Bowl 41… after you’ve had 26 beers.
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2 comments:
This Chicago Football Bears football team would need a 24-game season to reach 8 wins. I'm going to tune into tomorrow's game just to watch Orton massacred. Because there's only room for one neckbearded drunkard in this town. Given the Bears' Belgian-front-style offensive line, I predict Orton will get sacked 50 times -- one sack for each hard-boiled egg eaten by Cool Hand Luke. Which is apropos, because Orton will have failure to communicate and will spend the night in a box.
Redbeard, did you just say that the Bears would lose to the Packers twice and the Vikings twice???? That is a sham of a travesty of 2 shams wrapped in a vest!! It's the greatest outrage in history! I'm so angry I'm making less sense than Jeff Ramon on Father's Day!
Worst prediction ever! Here I am on the internet within minutes, registering my disgust around the world.
....but good call on the bears beating the colts.
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