BEARS VS. RAIDERS: 11-27-11
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the piratanical Oakland Raiders after losing quarterback Jay Cutler to injury. Will Caleb Hanie quickly master the intricacies of Mike Martz’s offense? Or will the Bears be forced to hire Brett Favre, Kurt Warner, or - - shudder - - Rex Grossman?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Pumpkin” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and the Amazonian ambassador to the world of men, Wonder Woman.
SR: ARRH, mateys! What be the Bears only true path to deliverance from the Sargasso Sea they find themselves in? Bring back Neckbeard! He be the only NFL quarterback with the facial hear needed to strike fear and terror in the hearts of the Oakland Raiders, who be no strangers to inflicting fear themselves, even at the risk of losing multiple games due to their endless stream of penalties.
Des: An interesting, if incoherent, perspective, as always, Captain. Concord Peabody. What statistical insights do you have?
CWP: Des, the Raiders traded the farm for Carson Palmer in hopes of getting to the playoffs, while the Bears are rolling with Caleb Hanie’s first NFL start. Meanwhile, the Raiders have kept up their running prowess even with Darren McFadden out, while Matt Forte has averaged just 3.18 yards per carry the past two weeks. That said, the Bears will still win 68-1.
Des: Concord, I don’t think it’s possible for a team to score only 1 point.
CWP: Tell that to the Bears defense!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: Stephen Fry once said, “Christmas to a child is the first terrible proof that to travel hopefully is better than to arrive.” The same could be said for your Chicago Cubs baseball season.
Des: A bit of a holiday bringdown there, Modre.
Modre: Despair is what I do best.
Des: Wonder Woman. What’s your take on things?
WW: Des, am I really “the ambassador to the world of men”, or just to comic book nerds such as yourself?
PM: Des, even if you are a comic book nerd, you would be the king of comic book nerds, the living embodiment, the symbol, or avatar, if you will. Nerdliness made flesh, a God-emperor of comic book fandom.
Des: Thanks for coming to my defense, Prissy Minion… I guess. Uh… sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match brought to you by the Mitt Romney for President Campaign. Mitt Romney… it’s his turn! Although, really, it should be Jeb Bush’s turn.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Bears vs. Chargers: 11-20-11
BEARS VS. CHARGERS: 11-20-11
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the San Diego Chargers, a team trapped in its own power-dive four game losing streak, while Chicago continues to dominate with a four game winning streak. Will the Bears take advantage of another struggling team to maintain its seemingly unstoppable momentum? Or will they receive a brutal splash of cold water against quarterback Philip Rivers if he suddenly remembers not to throw to the opposing team in the red zone?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Sucker Punch” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and the Amazonian ambassador to the world of men, Wonder Woman.
SR: ARRH, mateys! ‘Tis time now for this Ancient Mariner’s Curse to be unleashed against a hapless NFL victim. Which team deserves to receive this feared bounty of my boundless misfortune? The Detroit Lions, which I predict will not win a game for the remainder of this season! I know this be bad news for the Chrysler Corporation, since its recent ad campaign inexplicably tried to tie their vehicles with the alleged resurgence of Detroit, but the treacherous scalawags never should have shut down the Plymouth division. What happened to the legendary vehicles of yesteryear, such as the Plymouth Duster and Scamp? Ye might wonder why a pirate would care about motor cars, but I’ve shanghaied many an automobile freighter, and there be no more successful black market resale vehicle in Cuba than the Plymouth Volare!
Des: Uh, thanks, Captain. Concord Peabody. Who will win Sunday’s matchup?
CWP: Des, the San Diego Charger’s slogan is “Lightning only strikes in one place.” That might be part of their problem.
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: Robert Kennedy once said, “Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.” Conversely, only those who dare to succeed greatly can ever achieve utter failure. At least that what the coach of the Minnesota Vikings is telling people.
Des: Wonder Woman. How do you want to finish this off?
WW: Des, for a brief time my headquarters was called “The Wonder Dome”, but I got tired of the double entendres, so I just store all of my stuff at the Wonder Warehouse.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears play in a match brought to you by Chevrolet, whose recent ad campaign is unafraid to remind you how much better their cars were 40 years ago.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the San Diego Chargers, a team trapped in its own power-dive four game losing streak, while Chicago continues to dominate with a four game winning streak. Will the Bears take advantage of another struggling team to maintain its seemingly unstoppable momentum? Or will they receive a brutal splash of cold water against quarterback Philip Rivers if he suddenly remembers not to throw to the opposing team in the red zone?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Sucker Punch” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and the Amazonian ambassador to the world of men, Wonder Woman.
SR: ARRH, mateys! ‘Tis time now for this Ancient Mariner’s Curse to be unleashed against a hapless NFL victim. Which team deserves to receive this feared bounty of my boundless misfortune? The Detroit Lions, which I predict will not win a game for the remainder of this season! I know this be bad news for the Chrysler Corporation, since its recent ad campaign inexplicably tried to tie their vehicles with the alleged resurgence of Detroit, but the treacherous scalawags never should have shut down the Plymouth division. What happened to the legendary vehicles of yesteryear, such as the Plymouth Duster and Scamp? Ye might wonder why a pirate would care about motor cars, but I’ve shanghaied many an automobile freighter, and there be no more successful black market resale vehicle in Cuba than the Plymouth Volare!
Des: Uh, thanks, Captain. Concord Peabody. Who will win Sunday’s matchup?
CWP: Des, the San Diego Charger’s slogan is “Lightning only strikes in one place.” That might be part of their problem.
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: Robert Kennedy once said, “Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.” Conversely, only those who dare to succeed greatly can ever achieve utter failure. At least that what the coach of the Minnesota Vikings is telling people.
Des: Wonder Woman. How do you want to finish this off?
WW: Des, for a brief time my headquarters was called “The Wonder Dome”, but I got tired of the double entendres, so I just store all of my stuff at the Wonder Warehouse.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears play in a match brought to you by Chevrolet, whose recent ad campaign is unafraid to remind you how much better their cars were 40 years ago.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Bears vs. Lions: 11-13-2011
BEARS VS. LIONS: 11-7-11
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions in a late afternoon game that won’t be broadcast nationally to make way for the allegedly awesome 49ers/Giants match-up. Will the Bears take advantage of this temporary obscurity to finish off a Detroit Lions team whose bandwagon wheels may be coming off, much to my shameful delight of seeing a Cinderella story burst into flames? Or will “Megatron” run roughshod over the Bears defense, setting up an improbable run to the Super-bowl, reviving confidence in the American auto industry, and ensuring Obama wins a second term?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Klondike Kat” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and the embodiment of Des’s America, Wonder Woman.
PM: Oh, Des. That was a very enjoyable pun. “Cinder”-ella story? Bursting into flames? Pure genius!
SR: ARRH, mateys! If ye be done polishin’ Des’s ego so that its bright glare is causing planes to crash throughout the New England region, ‘tis time now for Captain Redbeard’s Chum-bucket of the NFL: The Indianapolis Colts, with their 0-9 record. I await to see if the Colts heeded my call to perform unholy acts to heal Payton Manning and return him to active duty. If not, the Jaguars will win 38-0.
Des: Uh, thanks, Captain. Concord Peabody. Who will win Sunday’s matchup?
CWP: Des, the Bears Cover-2 has no answer against Megatron, they have to get more than one sack to slow down the Lions, the Lions had a bye week last week, so Matt Stafford’s ankle has had more time to heal, and former Bears team leader Chris Harris plays his first game as a Lion, against his old team. That said, the Bears will still win 33-17.
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: Kurt Vonnegut once said, “Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before.” That said, Jay Cutler has done a nice job learning Mike Martz’s offense.
Des: Wonder Woman. How do you want to finish this off?
WW: Des, if the Colts are looking for a new quarterback, I was created to be as "beautiful as Aphrodite, wise as Athena, swifter than Hermes, and stronger than Hercules.” At least that’s according to Amazonian legend, and who are you to argue with that?
Des: I… I don’t know. Let’s a check of the reading grade level equivalent of this post: 7.3. Damn! That’s too high. Let’s try this to dumb it down a little: Burp! Fart! Take away his man-card! Okay, let’s hit each other with 2 X 4s. (Several minutes of beatings later…) Now let’s do a reading level check…Yes! Down to 6.5! End transmission.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions in a late afternoon game that won’t be broadcast nationally to make way for the allegedly awesome 49ers/Giants match-up. Will the Bears take advantage of this temporary obscurity to finish off a Detroit Lions team whose bandwagon wheels may be coming off, much to my shameful delight of seeing a Cinderella story burst into flames? Or will “Megatron” run roughshod over the Bears defense, setting up an improbable run to the Super-bowl, reviving confidence in the American auto industry, and ensuring Obama wins a second term?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Klondike Kat” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and the embodiment of Des’s America, Wonder Woman.
PM: Oh, Des. That was a very enjoyable pun. “Cinder”-ella story? Bursting into flames? Pure genius!
SR: ARRH, mateys! If ye be done polishin’ Des’s ego so that its bright glare is causing planes to crash throughout the New England region, ‘tis time now for Captain Redbeard’s Chum-bucket of the NFL: The Indianapolis Colts, with their 0-9 record. I await to see if the Colts heeded my call to perform unholy acts to heal Payton Manning and return him to active duty. If not, the Jaguars will win 38-0.
Des: Uh, thanks, Captain. Concord Peabody. Who will win Sunday’s matchup?
CWP: Des, the Bears Cover-2 has no answer against Megatron, they have to get more than one sack to slow down the Lions, the Lions had a bye week last week, so Matt Stafford’s ankle has had more time to heal, and former Bears team leader Chris Harris plays his first game as a Lion, against his old team. That said, the Bears will still win 33-17.
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: Kurt Vonnegut once said, “Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before.” That said, Jay Cutler has done a nice job learning Mike Martz’s offense.
Des: Wonder Woman. How do you want to finish this off?
WW: Des, if the Colts are looking for a new quarterback, I was created to be as "beautiful as Aphrodite, wise as Athena, swifter than Hermes, and stronger than Hercules.” At least that’s according to Amazonian legend, and who are you to argue with that?
Des: I… I don’t know. Let’s a check of the reading grade level equivalent of this post: 7.3. Damn! That’s too high. Let’s try this to dumb it down a little: Burp! Fart! Take away his man-card! Okay, let’s hit each other with 2 X 4s. (Several minutes of beatings later…) Now let’s do a reading level check…Yes! Down to 6.5! End transmission.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Bears vs. Eagles: 11-7-11
BEARS VS. EAGLES: 11-7-11
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football post-game show. The Bears defeated the Philadelphia Eagles at the so-called City of Brotherly Love, showing flashes of brilliance on the national stage and winning three consecutive games. Will the Bears continue to use pocket protection, a mighty pass defense, and the fleet feet of Forte to dominate their remaining foes and avenge last year’s NFC championship debacle? Or will they revert back to the no-protection offense and an easily-tired defense?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Savoir Faire” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and the embodiment of Des’s America, Wonder Woman.
SR: ARRH, mateys! Time now for Captain Redbeard’s Chum-bucket of the NFL: The Indianapolis Colts, with their 0-8 record. If I be them, I’d be resortin’ to any dark sorcery atrocity to heal Payton Manning: voodoo, zombie-ism, vampirism, stealing the life force of entire cities, embryonic stem cell research, the NFL waiver wire…
Des: Uh, thanks, Captain. Concord Peabody. What statistical anomalies would you like to share with us?
CWP: Des, on paper, the Philadelphia Eagles should have had every advantage against the Bears: Michael Vick’s quarterbacking, plus receiver Jeremy Macklin’s adhesive hands, but they neglected one very important unseen hand: The invisible hand of Bears destiny. Is it a coincidence that the Detroit Lions have started losing games at the same time that the Bears have reemerged in the NFC North? I don’t know if the invisible hand is strong enough to wave off the stench of those Cheesehead hats, though.
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: Eugene V. Debs once said, “Chicago is the product of modern capitalism, and, like other great commercial centers, is unfit for human habitation.” That said, the revamped Soldier Field is very nice.
Des: Moving on, because… well, why not? Wonder Woman. How do you want to finish this off?
WW: Superman, my hubby in an alternate universe, always defeats Lex Luthor, even though Lex is much smarter. Think about it, liberals! And yes, I use the phrase “think about it” ironically. By the way, genius = evil.
Des: …which is why I’ve dumbed down this website. The reading grade level equivalent of this post: 7.6. Check it out for yourself.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football post-game show. The Bears defeated the Philadelphia Eagles at the so-called City of Brotherly Love, showing flashes of brilliance on the national stage and winning three consecutive games. Will the Bears continue to use pocket protection, a mighty pass defense, and the fleet feet of Forte to dominate their remaining foes and avenge last year’s NFC championship debacle? Or will they revert back to the no-protection offense and an easily-tired defense?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Savoir Faire” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and the embodiment of Des’s America, Wonder Woman.
SR: ARRH, mateys! Time now for Captain Redbeard’s Chum-bucket of the NFL: The Indianapolis Colts, with their 0-8 record. If I be them, I’d be resortin’ to any dark sorcery atrocity to heal Payton Manning: voodoo, zombie-ism, vampirism, stealing the life force of entire cities, embryonic stem cell research, the NFL waiver wire…
Des: Uh, thanks, Captain. Concord Peabody. What statistical anomalies would you like to share with us?
CWP: Des, on paper, the Philadelphia Eagles should have had every advantage against the Bears: Michael Vick’s quarterbacking, plus receiver Jeremy Macklin’s adhesive hands, but they neglected one very important unseen hand: The invisible hand of Bears destiny. Is it a coincidence that the Detroit Lions have started losing games at the same time that the Bears have reemerged in the NFC North? I don’t know if the invisible hand is strong enough to wave off the stench of those Cheesehead hats, though.
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: Eugene V. Debs once said, “Chicago is the product of modern capitalism, and, like other great commercial centers, is unfit for human habitation.” That said, the revamped Soldier Field is very nice.
Des: Moving on, because… well, why not? Wonder Woman. How do you want to finish this off?
WW: Superman, my hubby in an alternate universe, always defeats Lex Luthor, even though Lex is much smarter. Think about it, liberals! And yes, I use the phrase “think about it” ironically. By the way, genius = evil.
Des: …which is why I’ve dumbed down this website. The reading grade level equivalent of this post: 7.6. Check it out for yourself.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Some very sad news
On October 20th, my cousin and very close friend Jeff Desmond passed away unexpectedly. He was an extremely smart, kind, thoughtful person. Among the many things he did to help me get through the difficulty of being essentially alone through most of my first decade in New Hampshire was to collaborate with me on a number of creative projects. Jeff gave me a ton of suggestions for my continually unfinished sci-fi novel “Vanguard 7.” One really entertaining project we completed was the “Retro Liquid Lunch” in which we sang along, drank along, and commented on various songs we listened to in the 1980s and ‘90s. We always intended to come up with a sequel to that, but never did. Jeff also helped out a lot with a comic book his son Logan and I are working on called “Doctor Deformo”. He also had a lot of awesome ideas for this Internet journal.
While the English language is an exceptionally pliable tool for eliciting laughter and comedy, especially in Jeff’s hands, it’s an extremely poor instrument for expressing sorrow and loss. Simply saying, “I miss Jeff a lot” doesn’t come close to fully encapsulating my feelings, but it has the advantage of being accurate.
While the English language is an exceptionally pliable tool for eliciting laughter and comedy, especially in Jeff’s hands, it’s an extremely poor instrument for expressing sorrow and loss. Simply saying, “I miss Jeff a lot” doesn’t come close to fully encapsulating my feelings, but it has the advantage of being accurate.
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