Bears vs. Rams: 11-24-2013

BEARS VS. RAMS: 11-24-13

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the St. Louis Rams after a difficult victory against the Baltimore Ravens spanning 8 hours and three natural disasters. Will the Bears grind out another win against yet another team without a professional quarterback? Or will the Beard have to meander their way into the wild card round with an 8-8 record, squeaking past the Packers and stepping over the Vikings?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Piranha Chow” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Doctor Sally McChesty.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Both the Bears and Rams stride into glorious battle without a strong quarterback to lead them. As one whose unsuccessful struggles against alcoholism have left many a crew leaderless at crucial moments, I have one piece of advice for both teams: crash your ships against your foes and unleash boundless plunder and booty! But then that be me solution to every problem. Besides drinking.

            Also, Des, as last week’s game showed, the Bears are 1-0 when the entire state of Illinois is destroyed by 12 billion tornadoes. I will therefore combine me weather and sports prediction skills by predicting that the Bears will win every game this season in which a winter storm named by the Weather Channel is heading in the direction of the city in which they are playing, which will be every remaining game this season.  The Bears better watch out for Winter Storm Falstaff when they play the Packers December 29.

Des: Modre, what are your thoughts?

Modre: JFK, blown away, what else do I have to say?

Des: Too soon, Modre, too soon. Doctor McChesty. Do you have any thoughts on the Richie Incognito controversy?

SMC: No, but I have noticed that Styx, REO Speedwagon, and Foghat are doing a benefit for the victims of the tornadoes from last weekend. That might actually be a good career move for them, to just be a group of bands that appear right after weather disasters. That would be a step up from appearing at various suburban summer festivals.

Des: Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a match that will determine how quickly the St. Louis Rams fade into the mists of history... or move back to Los Angeles!

Bears vs. Ravens: 11-17-2013

BEARS VS. RAVENS: 11-17-13

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Baltimore Ravens after their loss to a resurgent Detroit Lions. Will the Bears get back on track by jumping to the front of the line of teams that have rejuvenated themselves by beating up on last year’s Superbowl “champion”? Or will the call go forth to summon Cade McNown—I mean, Josh McCown—to save the Bears?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Riot Grrl” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! ‘Twill be time once again for me favorite recurring theme on this worthless blog: “Captain Redbeard’s Chum-Bucket of the NFL.” ‘Tis the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, who should be stripped of their team name and the Jolly Roger that adorns their helmets and be forced to wear their former flamboyant sword swallowing sailor mascot until they be truly worthy of the skull and crossbones! What must they do? Like all true pirates, they should take advantage of the weak and vulnerable, i.e. the Atlanta Falcons, whom the Buccaneers face this Sunday... which is why I also pick Tampa Bay to be my “Wracked with Terrible Sea-sickness Stomach Churning Upset of the Week” and why I also choose this match to be “Captain Redbeard’s Game to be Avoided at All Costs.”

Des: Let’s check in with Drunky McDumbAss, who has been partying it up in the parking lot of Soldier Field non-stop since last Sunday’s game against Detroit.

DMD: That’s right, Des. The renovated spaceship-esque structure of formerly historic Soldier Field has been the ideal venue for me to play an endless game of cat-and-mouse with the Chicago Police. Like a drunken Phantom of the Opera, I only emerge to scare tourists who are just trying to visit the Field Museum, Shedd Aquarium, or Adler Planetarium.

Des: Modre, what are your thoughts?

Modre: Are you familiar with Lord Acton’s famous quote about power? The entire quote is, “Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Great men are almost always bad men.” There’s no punch line here, Des, I just wanted to expand your tiny little egg shell mind until it snaps like a rubber band.

Des: That’s Modre for you, always mixing metaphors until they become indigestible goo. Concord Peabody. Give us some statistical mumbo-jumbo.

CWP: Well, Des, every good Bears defender is injured, they had a terrible running game last week, and the Ravens still have a pretty good defense. That said, the Bears still win 49-24.

Des: Doctor McChesty. Do you have any thoughts on the Richie Incognito controversy?

SMC: Oh. I thought that had already been resolved. Jay Glazer found him “not guilty” and that was the end of it.

Des: Prissy Minion. Scare me with your sycophancy.

PM: Des, you are the original Five Finger Death Punch.

Des: That was indeed scary. Doctor McChesty, would you summarize things with one majestic sentence?

SMC: Of course, Desiluski. Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a match that will determine how quickly the Baltimore Ravens fade into the mists of history.

Grade Level Equivalency: 7.8

Bears vs. Lions: 11-10-2013

BEARS VS. LIONS: 11-10-13

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions, after their upset of the Green Bay Packers sent shockwaves throughout the NFL. Will the Bears build upon last week’s victory to defeat the Lions and dominate the NFC North? Or will Chicago be forced to settle for a wild card bid with an 8-8 season, defeating only the lowly Rams, Vikings, and, dare I say it, Ravens?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Incognito” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! ‘Tis time once again for me least favorite recurring theme on this worthless blog: “Let’s mock the Captain’s Picks for the Playoffs.” First, to salve me wounded pride, allow me to showcase me accurate predictions, and for that, let’s turn to the AFC. If we were to focus solely on the AFC, I would be truly hailed as the prognosticator’s prognosticator: As foreseen, the Bengals are atop the AFC North with a 6-3 record, the Colts dominate their division with 6 wins and 2 losses, the Broncos are well on their way to fulfilling their destiny as a wild card berth, and the Patriots have exceeded me expectations by leading their division instead of being a mere wild card. But the Chargers have once again failed me, earning naught but 4 wins and 4 losses. And me biggest surprise failure is the Miami Dolphins, which I thought would surely destroy their foes both inside and outside their own locker room with a management style and “seasoning” regimen that most closely mirrors my own.

            Now turn your horrified gaze to the NFC, which truly be me greatest albatross: The Seahawks are performing as expected, destroying their foes to earn a mighty 8-1 record and the Bears are well on their way to earning a wild card spot with an 5-3 record, but the rest of the NFC... oh, the humanity! The Panthers, my pick for the NFC South, at least has a respectable record of 5-3, but there’s the Falcons going 2-6, the Vikings stalled at 2-7, and what the hell happened to the Giants?

            At least I take cold comfort that, despite the Redskins doing better since I placed a curse on them until they change their name, they are still a horrible team. Don’t get confident, Chicago Cubs! Me baseball curses still maintain their full potency!

Des: Let’s check in with Drunky McDumbAss, who is partying it up in the parking lot of Soldier Field.

DMD: Des, even though every beer made in the universe is owned by one corporation that’s owned by the Koch Brothers, each beer still maintains its own distinct flavor. At least until I’m done drinking the first 24 brands. Then it all becomes one big Technicolor blur, much like the last 3 quarters of the Bears game.

Des: Modre, what are your thoughts?

Modre: Don’t ask a question if you’re not ready to hear the answer.

Des: I withdraw my question. Concord Peabody. What do the sacred patterns of numbers reveal?

CWP: What are you...? Uh, what? Well, Des, Cutler’s probably gonna be a lot less mobile after his groin injury, Reggie Bush is looking forward to taking on the Bears defense, and Cutler had has worst game of the year against the Lions. That said, the Bears still win 55-17.

Des: Doctor McChesty. I understand that you would like to give a report on the positive impact that the Detroit Lions have had on the Detroit economy.

SMC: That’s right, Des. Des, in order to pay the salaries of the football executives and players, plus maintenance on the football stadium, Detroit had to close 40 public schools, lay off 1,000 police officers and firefighters, and shutter 20 hospitals. On game day, electricity has to be turned off from 10 surrounding city blocks plus all of the automotive assembly plants, all of Detroit’s grocery and clothing stores need to emptied of their inventory, and every farm, granary, and coal mine in the collar countries must be stripped of their resources to feed, clothe, and power the football stadium, executives, players, and skybox patrons.

Des: Prissy Minion. Frighten me with your flattery.

PM: Des, your cutting wordplay and playfully sadistic wit have redefined blogs into something that would take linguists and cultural pundits alike decades to obsessively gnaw on like the protein rich bone that it is.

Des: That was indeed frightening. Doctor McChesty, would you wrap things up in a neat little bow?

SMC: I’d be happy to, Des. Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a match that will determine dominance of the NFC North Division... somehow.

Bears vs. Packers: 11- 4-2013

BEARS VS. PACKERS: 11-4-13

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers, the most storied rivalry in the history of the universe, without injured quarterback Jay Cutler and defensive legend Lance Briggs. Will the Bears transcend their numerous limitations on paper to pull off a dramatic upset? Or will East Coast Bears fans wake up at midnight as the Bears enter the 4th quarter of a Monday Night game down 45 to 3?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Charles” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! As I obliquely predicted back in Week 1, Jay Cutler already lay horribly injured. But I take no pride in that prediction, as this outcome be as predictable as saying that I begin every post with a hearty “ARRRRRRHHHHHHH.... mateys.” Thus it be only a matter of time for the next phase of me prophesy to become grim reality: Tim Tebow truly be the Bears only hope for redemption in 2013. And I use that religious reference legitimately: Even the Pope’s statements have a more subdued Christian theme than Mr. Tebow’s. Here be a fun fact: Tim Tebow was born in the Philippines. I also spent time in the Philippines, doing things best left unsaid. But, seriously, folks, the Bears should take a closer look at Matt Cassel.

Des: Let’s check in with Drunky McDumbAss, who is partying it up at some non-descript dive in the Neutral Zone between Zion and Kenosha.

DMD: Des, I just drank the entire state of Wisconsin under the table.

Des: That’s quite an achievement, Drunky. I wouldn’t get overconfident and try to take on the entire country of Ireland. They’ve got Northern Ireland as an emergency spare. Modre, are you still channeling the United Airlines terminal?

Modre: I have once again reviewed The Alphabet Versus the Goddess, which posits the thesis that written language is what turned humanity evil. I was bitterly disappointed that there was no mention of the satanic effects that the angry scrawl of the left brain would have on comedy. Did you know that, in pre-literate societies, humor was always supportive and bound people together in mutual recognition of common difficulties? Here’s an example: “Hey, how about that Ice Age. Makes you wanna stay under that buffalo blanket, amiright?” Contrast that to the first written joke: “Boy, this Ice Age sucks! You know what else is really cold and bitter? Women! Who’s with me?” Hurtful and misogynistic, the inevitable legacy of written language.

Des: Thank you, Modre. Concord Peabody. Dazzle me with your command of random numbers.

CWP: Well, Des, the Bears may have an offense on paper... which is what the offensive line is made out of... but, without a professional quarterback, not so much. Still, thanks to this year’s new offense-friendly rules and penalty structure, Chicago should manage to score 56 points. Unfortunately, Green Bay will score 109.

Des: So, Doctor McChesty, would you like to change things up and bring things to a staggering conclusion?

SMC: I’d be happy to, Des. Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a match that will be drowned out by announcers jabbering on about whether it’s better to give somebody permanent brain damage or to shatter their knees for life!