BEARS VS. PACKERS: 11-4-13
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers, the most storied rivalry in the history of the universe, without injured quarterback Jay Cutler and defensive legend Lance Briggs. Will the Bears transcend their numerous limitations on paper to pull off a dramatic upset? Or will East Coast Bears fans wake up at midnight as the Bears enter the 4th quarter of a Monday Night game down 45 to 3?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Charles” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.
Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! As I obliquely predicted back in Week 1, Jay Cutler already lay horribly injured. But I take no pride in that prediction, as this outcome be as predictable as saying that I begin every post with a hearty “ARRRRRRHHHHHHH.... mateys.” Thus it be only a matter of time for the next phase of me prophesy to become grim reality: Tim Tebow truly be the Bears only hope for redemption in 2013. And I use that religious reference legitimately: Even the Pope’s statements have a more subdued Christian theme than Mr. Tebow’s. Here be a fun fact: Tim Tebow was born in the Philippines. I also spent time in the Philippines, doing things best left unsaid. But, seriously, folks, the Bears should take a closer look at Matt Cassel.
Des: Let’s check in with Drunky McDumbAss, who is partying it up at some non-descript dive in the Neutral Zone between Zion and Kenosha.
DMD: Des, I just drank the entire state of Wisconsin under the table.
Des: That’s quite an achievement, Drunky. I wouldn’t get overconfident and try to take on the entire country of Ireland. They’ve got Northern Ireland as an emergency spare. Modre, are you still channeling the United Airlines terminal?
Modre: I have once again reviewed The Alphabet Versus the Goddess, which posits the thesis that written language is what turned humanity evil. I was bitterly disappointed that there was no mention of the satanic effects that the angry scrawl of the left brain would have on comedy. Did you know that, in pre-literate societies, humor was always supportive and bound people together in mutual recognition of common difficulties? Here’s an example: “Hey, how about that Ice Age. Makes you wanna stay under that buffalo blanket, amiright?” Contrast that to the first written joke: “Boy, this Ice Age sucks! You know what else is really cold and bitter? Women! Who’s with me?” Hurtful and misogynistic, the inevitable legacy of written language.
Des: Thank you, Modre. Concord Peabody. Dazzle me with your command of random numbers.
CWP: Well, Des, the Bears may have an offense on paper... which is what the offensive line is made out of... but, without a professional quarterback, not so much. Still, thanks to this year’s new offense-friendly rules and penalty structure, Chicago should manage to score 56 points. Unfortunately, Green Bay will score 109.
Des: So, Doctor McChesty, would you like to change things up and bring things to a staggering conclusion?
SMC: I’d be happy to, Des. Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a match that will be drowned out by announcers jabbering on about whether it’s better to give somebody permanent brain damage or to shatter their knees for life!
Showing posts with label Lance Briggs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Lance Briggs. Show all posts
Monday, November 4, 2013
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Bears vs. Falcons: 9-11-11
BEARS VS. FALCONS: 9-11-11
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Atlanta Falcons in the shadow of the 10th anniversary of 9-11 and the contract controversy with Lance Briggs. Will the Bears cave to Lance Briggs’ demand that he be traded? Or will he take the field tomorrow in red, white, and blue finery that would make Captain America and Evel Knievel look understated by comparison?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Sweet Polly Purebred” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and DC Comics super-heroine Wonder Woman.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Whilst the internet provides even the laziest land-lubbing dullard the statistics and expert opinion necessary to transform him into a well-informed sounding expert on sports, I still rely on the tried and true rum induced hallucinations of ocean deities Neptune and Poseidon, plus the occasional obscure Aztec sea lord, such as Chalchiuhtlicue, which means “she who wears the jade skirt”. And a very sexy skirt it is, too! ARRRHHH! Hey, why is it suddenly dark and stormy?
Chalchiuhtlicue: Redbeard! Why do you profane me with your disgusting lust?
SR: Chalchiuhtlicue! My liege! I be truly sorry for me impertinence. Look! I’ll slay Des in your honor!
Des: Hey, wait a minute…
Chalchiuhtlicue: Very well. Why don’t you reveal my predictions for the 2011 Bears season?
SR: Thankee, my aquatic overlord. The Bears will go 11-5 this year, submerging the Falcons, Panthers, Buccaneers, Raiders, Broncos, and Seahawks, plus the Vikings and Lions twice. But they will lose to the Saints, Eagles, Chargers, and Chiefs, and split the Packers.
Des: Captain, I noticed that you picked the Bears to beat the Buccaneers and Raiders. That must be very hard for you.
SR: Not as hard as it will be for you to eat solid food again after our post-production meeting.
Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
CWS: Well, the Falcons traded up for Julio Jones, got Ray Edwards and signed some starting-level defensive backs, while the Bears didn't really address their offensive line woes, lost a key center, cut two players who were big 2010 free-agent signings, and now Lance Briggs wants a trade. That said, the Bears will still win 51 to 3.
Des: Modre. What advice do you have for the Bears this week?
Modre: Ellen Glasgow once said, “All change is not growth, as all movement is not forward.” something the Bears offensive line knows all too well.
Des: Wonder Woman. What’s your take on today’s game?
WW: Don’t refer to me as a super-heroine. It makes me sound like something Scott Weiland used to use. Say “no” to drugs, kids!
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. You combine far-flung elements into a unique sound that is both experimental and melody loving. At least that’s what my unauthorized I-tunes profile of you says.
Des: Okay, then. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will cause as many people to pass out as those who watch a Criss Angel show… also from alcohol poisoning.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Atlanta Falcons in the shadow of the 10th anniversary of 9-11 and the contract controversy with Lance Briggs. Will the Bears cave to Lance Briggs’ demand that he be traded? Or will he take the field tomorrow in red, white, and blue finery that would make Captain America and Evel Knievel look understated by comparison?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Sweet Polly Purebred” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and DC Comics super-heroine Wonder Woman.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Whilst the internet provides even the laziest land-lubbing dullard the statistics and expert opinion necessary to transform him into a well-informed sounding expert on sports, I still rely on the tried and true rum induced hallucinations of ocean deities Neptune and Poseidon, plus the occasional obscure Aztec sea lord, such as Chalchiuhtlicue, which means “she who wears the jade skirt”. And a very sexy skirt it is, too! ARRRHHH! Hey, why is it suddenly dark and stormy?
Chalchiuhtlicue: Redbeard! Why do you profane me with your disgusting lust?
SR: Chalchiuhtlicue! My liege! I be truly sorry for me impertinence. Look! I’ll slay Des in your honor!
Des: Hey, wait a minute…
Chalchiuhtlicue: Very well. Why don’t you reveal my predictions for the 2011 Bears season?
SR: Thankee, my aquatic overlord. The Bears will go 11-5 this year, submerging the Falcons, Panthers, Buccaneers, Raiders, Broncos, and Seahawks, plus the Vikings and Lions twice. But they will lose to the Saints, Eagles, Chargers, and Chiefs, and split the Packers.
Des: Captain, I noticed that you picked the Bears to beat the Buccaneers and Raiders. That must be very hard for you.
SR: Not as hard as it will be for you to eat solid food again after our post-production meeting.
Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
CWS: Well, the Falcons traded up for Julio Jones, got Ray Edwards and signed some starting-level defensive backs, while the Bears didn't really address their offensive line woes, lost a key center, cut two players who were big 2010 free-agent signings, and now Lance Briggs wants a trade. That said, the Bears will still win 51 to 3.
Des: Modre. What advice do you have for the Bears this week?
Modre: Ellen Glasgow once said, “All change is not growth, as all movement is not forward.” something the Bears offensive line knows all too well.
Des: Wonder Woman. What’s your take on today’s game?
WW: Don’t refer to me as a super-heroine. It makes me sound like something Scott Weiland used to use. Say “no” to drugs, kids!
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. You combine far-flung elements into a unique sound that is both experimental and melody loving. At least that’s what my unauthorized I-tunes profile of you says.
Des: Okay, then. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will cause as many people to pass out as those who watch a Criss Angel show… also from alcohol poisoning.
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