BEARS VS. PACKERS: 12-25-2011
Des: Welcome to a very special Christmas edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. In the spirit of peace and love, the Bears face off in a match against their hated arch-rivals the Green Bay Packers that no doubt will result in at least one injury. Will Neckbeard's stunning victory over the Packers last week show the Bears' newest nameless quarterback the way? Or will tonight's game produce a Christmas anti-miracle, like the kind you often see on the very special Christmas Doctor Who?
Des: To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles "Scrooge-a-pa-loser" Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Amazonian crime fighter Wonder Woman
Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRRHHHHHHH, mateys! Well, Des, the Bears thus far have fallen to God's chosen quarterback Tim Tebow (which logically makes Kyle Orton a God-forsaken quarterback-- but his magical Lucifer powers should kick in any minute now) and also the Seahawks. What must they do to achieve victory this dark and lonely Christmas night? It be too late for them to beseech Santa Claus for a clone of Aaron Rogers but perhaps they could fashion a snowman and place the helmet of Sid Luckman upon his brow. Be there an NFL penalty for illegal removal of a magic helmet? Come to think of it, Aaron Rogers' wooden personality suggests that he may be a treant animated by dark sorcery.
Des: Thank you, Captain. Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
Concord: Well, Des, every single player on the Bears is either injured or stricken with leprosy, while the Packers were hatched from some dystopian super-soldier football murder factory. That said, the Bears will still win 96-10.
Des: Okay, Concord... I assume you and the Captain are both suffering from some sort of Christmas related trauma. What about you, Modre? Have you come to terms with Christmas yet?
Concord: It is best not to understand Christmas, just accept it... while undermining it from within!
Des: Well, Prissy Minion, should you also be undergoing some sort of holiday therapy?
Prissy: Des, every day with you is a holiday.
Des: Yeesh. Uh, Wonder Woman, what's your closing thought?
WW: Oh, sorry, Des, I was too busy single-handedly saving Christmas from a whole host of super-villains to worry about your piddly little football blog. Uh, go Falcons.
Des: Actually, Wonder Woman, the Bears need to win the next two games and have the Falcons lose two games to even have a prayer of entering the playoffs.
WW: Yeah, whatever. Listen, Des, could you be a dear and order me up some Invisi-metal? The Snow and Heat Misers did a number on my aircraft.
Des: Uh, sure. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match that may hold your attention until the Christmas Doctor Who episode comes on at 9 eastern, 8 central.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Saturday, December 17, 2011
More sad news
On December 5, 2011, my grandfather, Louis E. Desmond, passed away suddenly and unexpectedly from a heart attack. He taught me a great deal about family, politics, humor, sports, music, and a compulsion for knowledge.
My grandfather was very loyal to his family, especially my grandmother. He spent a lot of time and love taking care of her in the past decade as it became increasingly difficult for her to take care of herself. He always made time to spend with his grandchildren, especially when my cousins, my sister, and I would construct very elaborate imaginary scenarios in which we would invite him to participate and/or witness. These ranged from weddings to newscasts to talent shows to super-hero battles to criminal trials and lawsuits. In one particularly memorable criminal trial, in which he was the judge, and I was a 9 year old defendant newly convicted of robbery, I tried to bribe him to change the verdict for a dollar, but he had to explain to me why that was wrong and/or illegal. He was pretty much the reason why I didn't become the next Rod Blagojevich.
Speaking of politics, my grandfather had a great deal of influence over my political beliefs-- not so much my actual political orientation, which, in some ways, is the opposite of my grandfather's-- but the idea that it's important to understand politics, and to not just have opinions, but to have opinions that are well thought out and based on a knowledge of history. He and my dad also both taught me that it's important to respect and understand multiple sides of an issue and to not have a simplistic ideology regardless of your political perspective, which is an idea that's in very short supply in a world where politics is just another form of poorly done entertainment.
The desire to be knowledgeable about things is another value that my grandfather helped instill. Although my grandmother's books formed the bulk of the 820 Wonderview library, Grandpa boasted a comprehensive collection himself. One summer I tore through a book of his called The Story of the Irish Race, by Seumas Macmanus. It taught me a lot about Irish history and my Irish heritage. I have my own copy of it now, as a gift from Steve Schiller.
I also learned a lot about sports from my grandfather-- not so much about actually playing sports, which my lack of strength and endurance discouraged me from doing, but about watching sports, especially the Cubs, which were his favorite team, and against whom I may have a lifetime resentment for failing to win a World Series for the entire 89 years he was alive. But watching games with him on TV, I learned a great deal about sports analysis, of players, and also of the knowledge (or lack thereof) of the broadcasters. Like all right-thinking Americans, he watched Harry Caray with a mixture of bemusement and frustration at his alcohol-fueled broadcasts. My parents and grand-parents also time-shared season's tickets at Wrigley Field, and I have a lot of good memories of watching Cubs games with my parents, grand-parents, and friend-of-the-blog (plus friend in the non-cyber world) Tom Long.
In addition to sports, music was a big passion of my grandfather. He frequently went to expos to buy and sell 78s, which he would convert to cassette tapes. Although the only real music I shared with my grandfather and Dad was Willie Nelson. Both of them showed me that you could still enjoy music as a major part of your life after the age of 30. I somehow had it in my mind that music was a sport of the young and, once you reached a certain, you pretty much gave it up and settled into a pattern of just listening to whatever happened to pop up on Magic 104 or Lite FM.
For all this and more, I will miss Grandpa Desmond greatly.
My grandfather was very loyal to his family, especially my grandmother. He spent a lot of time and love taking care of her in the past decade as it became increasingly difficult for her to take care of herself. He always made time to spend with his grandchildren, especially when my cousins, my sister, and I would construct very elaborate imaginary scenarios in which we would invite him to participate and/or witness. These ranged from weddings to newscasts to talent shows to super-hero battles to criminal trials and lawsuits. In one particularly memorable criminal trial, in which he was the judge, and I was a 9 year old defendant newly convicted of robbery, I tried to bribe him to change the verdict for a dollar, but he had to explain to me why that was wrong and/or illegal. He was pretty much the reason why I didn't become the next Rod Blagojevich.
Speaking of politics, my grandfather had a great deal of influence over my political beliefs-- not so much my actual political orientation, which, in some ways, is the opposite of my grandfather's-- but the idea that it's important to understand politics, and to not just have opinions, but to have opinions that are well thought out and based on a knowledge of history. He and my dad also both taught me that it's important to respect and understand multiple sides of an issue and to not have a simplistic ideology regardless of your political perspective, which is an idea that's in very short supply in a world where politics is just another form of poorly done entertainment.
The desire to be knowledgeable about things is another value that my grandfather helped instill. Although my grandmother's books formed the bulk of the 820 Wonderview library, Grandpa boasted a comprehensive collection himself. One summer I tore through a book of his called The Story of the Irish Race, by Seumas Macmanus. It taught me a lot about Irish history and my Irish heritage. I have my own copy of it now, as a gift from Steve Schiller.
I also learned a lot about sports from my grandfather-- not so much about actually playing sports, which my lack of strength and endurance discouraged me from doing, but about watching sports, especially the Cubs, which were his favorite team, and against whom I may have a lifetime resentment for failing to win a World Series for the entire 89 years he was alive. But watching games with him on TV, I learned a great deal about sports analysis, of players, and also of the knowledge (or lack thereof) of the broadcasters. Like all right-thinking Americans, he watched Harry Caray with a mixture of bemusement and frustration at his alcohol-fueled broadcasts. My parents and grand-parents also time-shared season's tickets at Wrigley Field, and I have a lot of good memories of watching Cubs games with my parents, grand-parents, and friend-of-the-blog (plus friend in the non-cyber world) Tom Long.
In addition to sports, music was a big passion of my grandfather. He frequently went to expos to buy and sell 78s, which he would convert to cassette tapes. Although the only real music I shared with my grandfather and Dad was Willie Nelson. Both of them showed me that you could still enjoy music as a major part of your life after the age of 30. I somehow had it in my mind that music was a sport of the young and, once you reached a certain, you pretty much gave it up and settled into a pattern of just listening to whatever happened to pop up on Magic 104 or Lite FM.
For all this and more, I will miss Grandpa Desmond greatly.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Bears vs. Chiefs: 12-4-11
BEARS VS. CHIEFS: 12-4-11
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Kansas City Chiefs after a difficult loss to the Oakland Raiders. Will the Bears regain their momentum against a team in which Kyle Orton is debuting as their quarterback? Or will Orton take apart the Bears defense like a 2 year old child takes apart a cheap alarm clock?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Pantaphobia” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and DC Comics’ eye candy, Wonder Woman.
SR: ARRH, mateys! Who would believe that me drunken ramblings have manifested themselves into hideous, if distorted, reality? First, I predicted the confrontation between Jim Harbaugh and the Detroit Lions. Then, last week, I demanded that the Bears bring back Neckbeard to replace the wounded Jay Cutler. Well, Kyle Orton be returning to the Bears… as their opposing quarterback! What similar suggestions be I inflicting upon the Bears’ future opponents? The Broncos should hire Rashaan Salaam, the Seahawks should give a contract to Curtis Enis, and the Vikings should pick up Cade McNown. And the Packers should bring back Jim McMahon and Kevin Butler.
Des: Hopefully those teams will adopt your suggestions, Captain. Concord Peabody. What statistical insights do you have?
CWP: Des, the Chiefs have a less offensive nickname than the Redskins, the Bears offense is really struggling without Jay Cutler…or Kyle Orton, the punt return team has been hemmed in lately, which means that the field is really, really long for Caleb Hanie. That said, the Bears will still win 77-15.
Des: What statistical formula do you use to predict your scores, Concord?
CWP: The only formula I need is the element of surprise.
Des: Is that some weird, messed-up version of a Chuck Norris joke? Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: Christmas is alleged to be a time of joy for your Western holiday season, but the true test of goodwill is the extent to which you submit to my stick beatings at what I call a peace temple, but your close-minded Western authorities refer to as a basement kidnapping and torture chamber.
Des: What happened to your random quotes of “wisdom”?
Modre: Your Western Internet service provider is no match for my Chinese super-computer… and I mean that literally, there’s no compatible portal.
Des: Wonder Woman. What’s your take on things?
WW: Des, what will it take for me to have a movie deal as awesome as Captain America, and Spider-Man? Sexy fights with female super-villains like Cheetah and Giganta?
Des: Uh, yeah. Sure. That’s a good start. Uh… sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match brought to you by the Newt Gingrich for President Campaign. Newt Gingrich… at least he can string a sentence together.. sort of.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Kansas City Chiefs after a difficult loss to the Oakland Raiders. Will the Bears regain their momentum against a team in which Kyle Orton is debuting as their quarterback? Or will Orton take apart the Bears defense like a 2 year old child takes apart a cheap alarm clock?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Pantaphobia” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and DC Comics’ eye candy, Wonder Woman.
SR: ARRH, mateys! Who would believe that me drunken ramblings have manifested themselves into hideous, if distorted, reality? First, I predicted the confrontation between Jim Harbaugh and the Detroit Lions. Then, last week, I demanded that the Bears bring back Neckbeard to replace the wounded Jay Cutler. Well, Kyle Orton be returning to the Bears… as their opposing quarterback! What similar suggestions be I inflicting upon the Bears’ future opponents? The Broncos should hire Rashaan Salaam, the Seahawks should give a contract to Curtis Enis, and the Vikings should pick up Cade McNown. And the Packers should bring back Jim McMahon and Kevin Butler.
Des: Hopefully those teams will adopt your suggestions, Captain. Concord Peabody. What statistical insights do you have?
CWP: Des, the Chiefs have a less offensive nickname than the Redskins, the Bears offense is really struggling without Jay Cutler…or Kyle Orton, the punt return team has been hemmed in lately, which means that the field is really, really long for Caleb Hanie. That said, the Bears will still win 77-15.
Des: What statistical formula do you use to predict your scores, Concord?
CWP: The only formula I need is the element of surprise.
Des: Is that some weird, messed-up version of a Chuck Norris joke? Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: Christmas is alleged to be a time of joy for your Western holiday season, but the true test of goodwill is the extent to which you submit to my stick beatings at what I call a peace temple, but your close-minded Western authorities refer to as a basement kidnapping and torture chamber.
Des: What happened to your random quotes of “wisdom”?
Modre: Your Western Internet service provider is no match for my Chinese super-computer… and I mean that literally, there’s no compatible portal.
Des: Wonder Woman. What’s your take on things?
WW: Des, what will it take for me to have a movie deal as awesome as Captain America, and Spider-Man? Sexy fights with female super-villains like Cheetah and Giganta?
Des: Uh, yeah. Sure. That’s a good start. Uh… sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match brought to you by the Newt Gingrich for President Campaign. Newt Gingrich… at least he can string a sentence together.. sort of.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Bears vs. Raiders: 11-27-11
BEARS VS. RAIDERS: 11-27-11
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the piratanical Oakland Raiders after losing quarterback Jay Cutler to injury. Will Caleb Hanie quickly master the intricacies of Mike Martz’s offense? Or will the Bears be forced to hire Brett Favre, Kurt Warner, or - - shudder - - Rex Grossman?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Pumpkin” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and the Amazonian ambassador to the world of men, Wonder Woman.
SR: ARRH, mateys! What be the Bears only true path to deliverance from the Sargasso Sea they find themselves in? Bring back Neckbeard! He be the only NFL quarterback with the facial hear needed to strike fear and terror in the hearts of the Oakland Raiders, who be no strangers to inflicting fear themselves, even at the risk of losing multiple games due to their endless stream of penalties.
Des: An interesting, if incoherent, perspective, as always, Captain. Concord Peabody. What statistical insights do you have?
CWP: Des, the Raiders traded the farm for Carson Palmer in hopes of getting to the playoffs, while the Bears are rolling with Caleb Hanie’s first NFL start. Meanwhile, the Raiders have kept up their running prowess even with Darren McFadden out, while Matt Forte has averaged just 3.18 yards per carry the past two weeks. That said, the Bears will still win 68-1.
Des: Concord, I don’t think it’s possible for a team to score only 1 point.
CWP: Tell that to the Bears defense!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: Stephen Fry once said, “Christmas to a child is the first terrible proof that to travel hopefully is better than to arrive.” The same could be said for your Chicago Cubs baseball season.
Des: A bit of a holiday bringdown there, Modre.
Modre: Despair is what I do best.
Des: Wonder Woman. What’s your take on things?
WW: Des, am I really “the ambassador to the world of men”, or just to comic book nerds such as yourself?
PM: Des, even if you are a comic book nerd, you would be the king of comic book nerds, the living embodiment, the symbol, or avatar, if you will. Nerdliness made flesh, a God-emperor of comic book fandom.
Des: Thanks for coming to my defense, Prissy Minion… I guess. Uh… sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match brought to you by the Mitt Romney for President Campaign. Mitt Romney… it’s his turn! Although, really, it should be Jeb Bush’s turn.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the piratanical Oakland Raiders after losing quarterback Jay Cutler to injury. Will Caleb Hanie quickly master the intricacies of Mike Martz’s offense? Or will the Bears be forced to hire Brett Favre, Kurt Warner, or - - shudder - - Rex Grossman?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Pumpkin” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and the Amazonian ambassador to the world of men, Wonder Woman.
SR: ARRH, mateys! What be the Bears only true path to deliverance from the Sargasso Sea they find themselves in? Bring back Neckbeard! He be the only NFL quarterback with the facial hear needed to strike fear and terror in the hearts of the Oakland Raiders, who be no strangers to inflicting fear themselves, even at the risk of losing multiple games due to their endless stream of penalties.
Des: An interesting, if incoherent, perspective, as always, Captain. Concord Peabody. What statistical insights do you have?
CWP: Des, the Raiders traded the farm for Carson Palmer in hopes of getting to the playoffs, while the Bears are rolling with Caleb Hanie’s first NFL start. Meanwhile, the Raiders have kept up their running prowess even with Darren McFadden out, while Matt Forte has averaged just 3.18 yards per carry the past two weeks. That said, the Bears will still win 68-1.
Des: Concord, I don’t think it’s possible for a team to score only 1 point.
CWP: Tell that to the Bears defense!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: Stephen Fry once said, “Christmas to a child is the first terrible proof that to travel hopefully is better than to arrive.” The same could be said for your Chicago Cubs baseball season.
Des: A bit of a holiday bringdown there, Modre.
Modre: Despair is what I do best.
Des: Wonder Woman. What’s your take on things?
WW: Des, am I really “the ambassador to the world of men”, or just to comic book nerds such as yourself?
PM: Des, even if you are a comic book nerd, you would be the king of comic book nerds, the living embodiment, the symbol, or avatar, if you will. Nerdliness made flesh, a God-emperor of comic book fandom.
Des: Thanks for coming to my defense, Prissy Minion… I guess. Uh… sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match brought to you by the Mitt Romney for President Campaign. Mitt Romney… it’s his turn! Although, really, it should be Jeb Bush’s turn.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Bears vs. Chargers: 11-20-11
BEARS VS. CHARGERS: 11-20-11
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the San Diego Chargers, a team trapped in its own power-dive four game losing streak, while Chicago continues to dominate with a four game winning streak. Will the Bears take advantage of another struggling team to maintain its seemingly unstoppable momentum? Or will they receive a brutal splash of cold water against quarterback Philip Rivers if he suddenly remembers not to throw to the opposing team in the red zone?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Sucker Punch” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and the Amazonian ambassador to the world of men, Wonder Woman.
SR: ARRH, mateys! ‘Tis time now for this Ancient Mariner’s Curse to be unleashed against a hapless NFL victim. Which team deserves to receive this feared bounty of my boundless misfortune? The Detroit Lions, which I predict will not win a game for the remainder of this season! I know this be bad news for the Chrysler Corporation, since its recent ad campaign inexplicably tried to tie their vehicles with the alleged resurgence of Detroit, but the treacherous scalawags never should have shut down the Plymouth division. What happened to the legendary vehicles of yesteryear, such as the Plymouth Duster and Scamp? Ye might wonder why a pirate would care about motor cars, but I’ve shanghaied many an automobile freighter, and there be no more successful black market resale vehicle in Cuba than the Plymouth Volare!
Des: Uh, thanks, Captain. Concord Peabody. Who will win Sunday’s matchup?
CWP: Des, the San Diego Charger’s slogan is “Lightning only strikes in one place.” That might be part of their problem.
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: Robert Kennedy once said, “Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.” Conversely, only those who dare to succeed greatly can ever achieve utter failure. At least that what the coach of the Minnesota Vikings is telling people.
Des: Wonder Woman. How do you want to finish this off?
WW: Des, for a brief time my headquarters was called “The Wonder Dome”, but I got tired of the double entendres, so I just store all of my stuff at the Wonder Warehouse.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears play in a match brought to you by Chevrolet, whose recent ad campaign is unafraid to remind you how much better their cars were 40 years ago.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the San Diego Chargers, a team trapped in its own power-dive four game losing streak, while Chicago continues to dominate with a four game winning streak. Will the Bears take advantage of another struggling team to maintain its seemingly unstoppable momentum? Or will they receive a brutal splash of cold water against quarterback Philip Rivers if he suddenly remembers not to throw to the opposing team in the red zone?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Sucker Punch” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and the Amazonian ambassador to the world of men, Wonder Woman.
SR: ARRH, mateys! ‘Tis time now for this Ancient Mariner’s Curse to be unleashed against a hapless NFL victim. Which team deserves to receive this feared bounty of my boundless misfortune? The Detroit Lions, which I predict will not win a game for the remainder of this season! I know this be bad news for the Chrysler Corporation, since its recent ad campaign inexplicably tried to tie their vehicles with the alleged resurgence of Detroit, but the treacherous scalawags never should have shut down the Plymouth division. What happened to the legendary vehicles of yesteryear, such as the Plymouth Duster and Scamp? Ye might wonder why a pirate would care about motor cars, but I’ve shanghaied many an automobile freighter, and there be no more successful black market resale vehicle in Cuba than the Plymouth Volare!
Des: Uh, thanks, Captain. Concord Peabody. Who will win Sunday’s matchup?
CWP: Des, the San Diego Charger’s slogan is “Lightning only strikes in one place.” That might be part of their problem.
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: Robert Kennedy once said, “Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.” Conversely, only those who dare to succeed greatly can ever achieve utter failure. At least that what the coach of the Minnesota Vikings is telling people.
Des: Wonder Woman. How do you want to finish this off?
WW: Des, for a brief time my headquarters was called “The Wonder Dome”, but I got tired of the double entendres, so I just store all of my stuff at the Wonder Warehouse.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears play in a match brought to you by Chevrolet, whose recent ad campaign is unafraid to remind you how much better their cars were 40 years ago.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Bears vs. Lions: 11-13-2011
BEARS VS. LIONS: 11-7-11
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions in a late afternoon game that won’t be broadcast nationally to make way for the allegedly awesome 49ers/Giants match-up. Will the Bears take advantage of this temporary obscurity to finish off a Detroit Lions team whose bandwagon wheels may be coming off, much to my shameful delight of seeing a Cinderella story burst into flames? Or will “Megatron” run roughshod over the Bears defense, setting up an improbable run to the Super-bowl, reviving confidence in the American auto industry, and ensuring Obama wins a second term?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Klondike Kat” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and the embodiment of Des’s America, Wonder Woman.
PM: Oh, Des. That was a very enjoyable pun. “Cinder”-ella story? Bursting into flames? Pure genius!
SR: ARRH, mateys! If ye be done polishin’ Des’s ego so that its bright glare is causing planes to crash throughout the New England region, ‘tis time now for Captain Redbeard’s Chum-bucket of the NFL: The Indianapolis Colts, with their 0-9 record. I await to see if the Colts heeded my call to perform unholy acts to heal Payton Manning and return him to active duty. If not, the Jaguars will win 38-0.
Des: Uh, thanks, Captain. Concord Peabody. Who will win Sunday’s matchup?
CWP: Des, the Bears Cover-2 has no answer against Megatron, they have to get more than one sack to slow down the Lions, the Lions had a bye week last week, so Matt Stafford’s ankle has had more time to heal, and former Bears team leader Chris Harris plays his first game as a Lion, against his old team. That said, the Bears will still win 33-17.
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: Kurt Vonnegut once said, “Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before.” That said, Jay Cutler has done a nice job learning Mike Martz’s offense.
Des: Wonder Woman. How do you want to finish this off?
WW: Des, if the Colts are looking for a new quarterback, I was created to be as "beautiful as Aphrodite, wise as Athena, swifter than Hermes, and stronger than Hercules.” At least that’s according to Amazonian legend, and who are you to argue with that?
Des: I… I don’t know. Let’s a check of the reading grade level equivalent of this post: 7.3. Damn! That’s too high. Let’s try this to dumb it down a little: Burp! Fart! Take away his man-card! Okay, let’s hit each other with 2 X 4s. (Several minutes of beatings later…) Now let’s do a reading level check…Yes! Down to 6.5! End transmission.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions in a late afternoon game that won’t be broadcast nationally to make way for the allegedly awesome 49ers/Giants match-up. Will the Bears take advantage of this temporary obscurity to finish off a Detroit Lions team whose bandwagon wheels may be coming off, much to my shameful delight of seeing a Cinderella story burst into flames? Or will “Megatron” run roughshod over the Bears defense, setting up an improbable run to the Super-bowl, reviving confidence in the American auto industry, and ensuring Obama wins a second term?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Klondike Kat” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and the embodiment of Des’s America, Wonder Woman.
PM: Oh, Des. That was a very enjoyable pun. “Cinder”-ella story? Bursting into flames? Pure genius!
SR: ARRH, mateys! If ye be done polishin’ Des’s ego so that its bright glare is causing planes to crash throughout the New England region, ‘tis time now for Captain Redbeard’s Chum-bucket of the NFL: The Indianapolis Colts, with their 0-9 record. I await to see if the Colts heeded my call to perform unholy acts to heal Payton Manning and return him to active duty. If not, the Jaguars will win 38-0.
Des: Uh, thanks, Captain. Concord Peabody. Who will win Sunday’s matchup?
CWP: Des, the Bears Cover-2 has no answer against Megatron, they have to get more than one sack to slow down the Lions, the Lions had a bye week last week, so Matt Stafford’s ankle has had more time to heal, and former Bears team leader Chris Harris plays his first game as a Lion, against his old team. That said, the Bears will still win 33-17.
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: Kurt Vonnegut once said, “Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before.” That said, Jay Cutler has done a nice job learning Mike Martz’s offense.
Des: Wonder Woman. How do you want to finish this off?
WW: Des, if the Colts are looking for a new quarterback, I was created to be as "beautiful as Aphrodite, wise as Athena, swifter than Hermes, and stronger than Hercules.” At least that’s according to Amazonian legend, and who are you to argue with that?
Des: I… I don’t know. Let’s a check of the reading grade level equivalent of this post: 7.3. Damn! That’s too high. Let’s try this to dumb it down a little: Burp! Fart! Take away his man-card! Okay, let’s hit each other with 2 X 4s. (Several minutes of beatings later…) Now let’s do a reading level check…Yes! Down to 6.5! End transmission.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Bears vs. Eagles: 11-7-11
BEARS VS. EAGLES: 11-7-11
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football post-game show. The Bears defeated the Philadelphia Eagles at the so-called City of Brotherly Love, showing flashes of brilliance on the national stage and winning three consecutive games. Will the Bears continue to use pocket protection, a mighty pass defense, and the fleet feet of Forte to dominate their remaining foes and avenge last year’s NFC championship debacle? Or will they revert back to the no-protection offense and an easily-tired defense?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Savoir Faire” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and the embodiment of Des’s America, Wonder Woman.
SR: ARRH, mateys! Time now for Captain Redbeard’s Chum-bucket of the NFL: The Indianapolis Colts, with their 0-8 record. If I be them, I’d be resortin’ to any dark sorcery atrocity to heal Payton Manning: voodoo, zombie-ism, vampirism, stealing the life force of entire cities, embryonic stem cell research, the NFL waiver wire…
Des: Uh, thanks, Captain. Concord Peabody. What statistical anomalies would you like to share with us?
CWP: Des, on paper, the Philadelphia Eagles should have had every advantage against the Bears: Michael Vick’s quarterbacking, plus receiver Jeremy Macklin’s adhesive hands, but they neglected one very important unseen hand: The invisible hand of Bears destiny. Is it a coincidence that the Detroit Lions have started losing games at the same time that the Bears have reemerged in the NFC North? I don’t know if the invisible hand is strong enough to wave off the stench of those Cheesehead hats, though.
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: Eugene V. Debs once said, “Chicago is the product of modern capitalism, and, like other great commercial centers, is unfit for human habitation.” That said, the revamped Soldier Field is very nice.
Des: Moving on, because… well, why not? Wonder Woman. How do you want to finish this off?
WW: Superman, my hubby in an alternate universe, always defeats Lex Luthor, even though Lex is much smarter. Think about it, liberals! And yes, I use the phrase “think about it” ironically. By the way, genius = evil.
Des: …which is why I’ve dumbed down this website. The reading grade level equivalent of this post: 7.6. Check it out for yourself.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football post-game show. The Bears defeated the Philadelphia Eagles at the so-called City of Brotherly Love, showing flashes of brilliance on the national stage and winning three consecutive games. Will the Bears continue to use pocket protection, a mighty pass defense, and the fleet feet of Forte to dominate their remaining foes and avenge last year’s NFC championship debacle? Or will they revert back to the no-protection offense and an easily-tired defense?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Savoir Faire” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and the embodiment of Des’s America, Wonder Woman.
SR: ARRH, mateys! Time now for Captain Redbeard’s Chum-bucket of the NFL: The Indianapolis Colts, with their 0-8 record. If I be them, I’d be resortin’ to any dark sorcery atrocity to heal Payton Manning: voodoo, zombie-ism, vampirism, stealing the life force of entire cities, embryonic stem cell research, the NFL waiver wire…
Des: Uh, thanks, Captain. Concord Peabody. What statistical anomalies would you like to share with us?
CWP: Des, on paper, the Philadelphia Eagles should have had every advantage against the Bears: Michael Vick’s quarterbacking, plus receiver Jeremy Macklin’s adhesive hands, but they neglected one very important unseen hand: The invisible hand of Bears destiny. Is it a coincidence that the Detroit Lions have started losing games at the same time that the Bears have reemerged in the NFC North? I don’t know if the invisible hand is strong enough to wave off the stench of those Cheesehead hats, though.
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: Eugene V. Debs once said, “Chicago is the product of modern capitalism, and, like other great commercial centers, is unfit for human habitation.” That said, the revamped Soldier Field is very nice.
Des: Moving on, because… well, why not? Wonder Woman. How do you want to finish this off?
WW: Superman, my hubby in an alternate universe, always defeats Lex Luthor, even though Lex is much smarter. Think about it, liberals! And yes, I use the phrase “think about it” ironically. By the way, genius = evil.
Des: …which is why I’ve dumbed down this website. The reading grade level equivalent of this post: 7.6. Check it out for yourself.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Some very sad news
On October 20th, my cousin and very close friend Jeff Desmond passed away unexpectedly. He was an extremely smart, kind, thoughtful person. Among the many things he did to help me get through the difficulty of being essentially alone through most of my first decade in New Hampshire was to collaborate with me on a number of creative projects. Jeff gave me a ton of suggestions for my continually unfinished sci-fi novel “Vanguard 7.” One really entertaining project we completed was the “Retro Liquid Lunch” in which we sang along, drank along, and commented on various songs we listened to in the 1980s and ‘90s. We always intended to come up with a sequel to that, but never did. Jeff also helped out a lot with a comic book his son Logan and I are working on called “Doctor Deformo”. He also had a lot of awesome ideas for this Internet journal.
While the English language is an exceptionally pliable tool for eliciting laughter and comedy, especially in Jeff’s hands, it’s an extremely poor instrument for expressing sorrow and loss. Simply saying, “I miss Jeff a lot” doesn’t come close to fully encapsulating my feelings, but it has the advantage of being accurate.
While the English language is an exceptionally pliable tool for eliciting laughter and comedy, especially in Jeff’s hands, it’s an extremely poor instrument for expressing sorrow and loss. Simply saying, “I miss Jeff a lot” doesn’t come close to fully encapsulating my feelings, but it has the advantage of being accurate.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Bears vs. Vikings: 10-16-11
Pre-production meeting transcript:
Des: Prissy Minion, after your stellar “performance” as the closer of our Internet Journals for well-nigh unto five years, we were wondering if you would be willing to give the opening prediction after I do my stirring introduction.
PM: I don’t know, Des. I know nothing about football. My sole expertise is in building your self-esteem.
Des: Well, thanks to your successful efforts, my ego is now the size of the Hindenburg… and also as flammable and potentially fatal to all who come near it. Oh, the pomposity! But, to return to my original point, we need to expand your character a little.
SR: Don’t worry, matey! We’ll be right behind you!
PM: No doubt poking me with your sword as I walk this metaphorical plank to the shark-infested waters of my own sports-related ignorance.
Modre: If more metaphors like those you propose are part of your prose, you will present with compose…ure.
PM: How can I argue with such elegant poetry? But, Modre, wouldn’t it be more in character for you to speak in haikus?
Modre:
If disturbing praise
Gladdens your insecure heart
Seek Prissy Minion
PM: I’m ready.
BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 10-16-11
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings after Chicago’s offense struggled mightily against the Motown Maginot Line. Will the Bears defense wash off the stench of classic Detroit Lions failure by firing Rod Marinelli? Or will Donovan McNabb receive an undeserved new lease on life as the Vikings number one quarterback?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Snaggletooth” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Amazonian warrior princess, Wonder Woman.
PM: Hello, everyone who is not Des. This is the Prissy Minion, Des’s biggest fan, with my inaugural prediction for tonight’s Bears game. And here it is: I’ll be too enraptured by Des’s play-by-play brilliance to know what’s actually happening during the game.
WW: What the… Prissy Minion, that’s the weakest performance… uh, uh, the biggest disappointment since the Legion of Doom seemed to have killed off all the Super-friends, but it turned out that we were just robot duplicates in the fevered insane dream of an autistic child’s brain in a jar in a mental hospital in an alternate universe where Abraham Lincoln was the fifth Beatle, except the Beatles were actual giant insects from a Kafka novel that was randomly cut and pasted from old 1980s Tiger Beat magazines by a room full of monkeys who actually turned out to be the children of Jesus and Marilyn Monroe, which is why there were so many pictures of Ralph Macchio and Duran Duran!
Des: Concord Peabody. How will the Bears perform?
CWP: Well, Jay Cutler is currently riding the NFL’s longest consecutive streak of games sacked, and the Viking’s defensive end Jared Allen has made 8.5 sacks in five games, while Chicago’s defense is as weak as Prissy Minion’s opening prediction. That said, the Bears will still win 37 to 0.
Des: Modre. What advice do you have for football fans this week?
Modre: Albert Einstein once said, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” Nevertheless, Rod Marinelli should continue using the Tampa 2 defense.
Des: Captain Redbeard. How would you like to finish this off?
SR: ARRH, mateys! First, I’d like to criticize your strategy of trying to finish strong by putting me at the end instead of starting strong with me at the beginning. If the Bears have taught us anything, it’s that you need to score repeatedly in the first quarter because your opponents will figure you out by the second quarter. ‘Tis much like when I attack a vessel off the port bow, I unload all of my cannonballs within the first five minutes of battle to achieve victory before me mutinous crew rebels against me once they realize I have no plan whatsoever.
Second… well, I really don’t have a second point, except to say that this week’s ironclad guarantee of gambling treasure goes to the San Francisco 49ers defeating the Detroit Lions. There be something oddly comforting in Coach Jim Harbaugh’s maniacal expression. You can also hear his father’s voice inside his head, berating him. ‘Tis a voice I know well!
Des: Uh, thanks, Captain. Anyway… Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game brought to you by Bud Light, whose slogan is “Here we go”, which I pretty much say only before I’m forced to embark on something that will only bring pain.
Des: Prissy Minion, after your stellar “performance” as the closer of our Internet Journals for well-nigh unto five years, we were wondering if you would be willing to give the opening prediction after I do my stirring introduction.
PM: I don’t know, Des. I know nothing about football. My sole expertise is in building your self-esteem.
Des: Well, thanks to your successful efforts, my ego is now the size of the Hindenburg… and also as flammable and potentially fatal to all who come near it. Oh, the pomposity! But, to return to my original point, we need to expand your character a little.
SR: Don’t worry, matey! We’ll be right behind you!
PM: No doubt poking me with your sword as I walk this metaphorical plank to the shark-infested waters of my own sports-related ignorance.
Modre: If more metaphors like those you propose are part of your prose, you will present with compose…ure.
PM: How can I argue with such elegant poetry? But, Modre, wouldn’t it be more in character for you to speak in haikus?
Modre:
If disturbing praise
Gladdens your insecure heart
Seek Prissy Minion
PM: I’m ready.
BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 10-16-11
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings after Chicago’s offense struggled mightily against the Motown Maginot Line. Will the Bears defense wash off the stench of classic Detroit Lions failure by firing Rod Marinelli? Or will Donovan McNabb receive an undeserved new lease on life as the Vikings number one quarterback?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Snaggletooth” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Amazonian warrior princess, Wonder Woman.
PM: Hello, everyone who is not Des. This is the Prissy Minion, Des’s biggest fan, with my inaugural prediction for tonight’s Bears game. And here it is: I’ll be too enraptured by Des’s play-by-play brilliance to know what’s actually happening during the game.
WW: What the… Prissy Minion, that’s the weakest performance… uh, uh, the biggest disappointment since the Legion of Doom seemed to have killed off all the Super-friends, but it turned out that we were just robot duplicates in the fevered insane dream of an autistic child’s brain in a jar in a mental hospital in an alternate universe where Abraham Lincoln was the fifth Beatle, except the Beatles were actual giant insects from a Kafka novel that was randomly cut and pasted from old 1980s Tiger Beat magazines by a room full of monkeys who actually turned out to be the children of Jesus and Marilyn Monroe, which is why there were so many pictures of Ralph Macchio and Duran Duran!
Des: Concord Peabody. How will the Bears perform?
CWP: Well, Jay Cutler is currently riding the NFL’s longest consecutive streak of games sacked, and the Viking’s defensive end Jared Allen has made 8.5 sacks in five games, while Chicago’s defense is as weak as Prissy Minion’s opening prediction. That said, the Bears will still win 37 to 0.
Des: Modre. What advice do you have for football fans this week?
Modre: Albert Einstein once said, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” Nevertheless, Rod Marinelli should continue using the Tampa 2 defense.
Des: Captain Redbeard. How would you like to finish this off?
SR: ARRH, mateys! First, I’d like to criticize your strategy of trying to finish strong by putting me at the end instead of starting strong with me at the beginning. If the Bears have taught us anything, it’s that you need to score repeatedly in the first quarter because your opponents will figure you out by the second quarter. ‘Tis much like when I attack a vessel off the port bow, I unload all of my cannonballs within the first five minutes of battle to achieve victory before me mutinous crew rebels against me once they realize I have no plan whatsoever.
Second… well, I really don’t have a second point, except to say that this week’s ironclad guarantee of gambling treasure goes to the San Francisco 49ers defeating the Detroit Lions. There be something oddly comforting in Coach Jim Harbaugh’s maniacal expression. You can also hear his father’s voice inside his head, berating him. ‘Tis a voice I know well!
Des: Uh, thanks, Captain. Anyway… Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game brought to you by Bud Light, whose slogan is “Here we go”, which I pretty much say only before I’m forced to embark on something that will only bring pain.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Bears vs. Lions: 10-10-11
BEARS VS. LIONS: 10-10-11
Des: Welcome to a most unusual version of the Chicago Bears football post. This time, we provide live reaction (more or less) to the Bears game as it occurs until my imaginary cast of characters and I get tired of the numerous false starts and call it an evening.
SR: Arrh, Des! Speaking of the multiple false starts, 'tis naught but a clever strategy by the Bears offense to rest their defense.
Des: Of course, the question that is hanging in the air: Will the Detroit Lions win their first Monday Night Game since 1867? Or will their multiple penalties up to this point give the Bears defense more rest than the Bears offense? To answer these and similiar questions will be... probably just Redbeard. He's really the only character developed enough for spontaneous repartee.
SR: Arrh, mateys! Methinks your Concord Peabody character is as underutilized as Kellen Davis. He's had only three catches for the year.
Des: Captain, are you sure that Concord isn't as overutilized as Roy Williams? He's already had three catches this year.
SR: Using statistics for humor be not your strong suit, Des. 67% of fans agree with me. 2 out of 3.
Des: By the way, Captain, Bank of America offers 1% cash back on credit card purchases.
SR: They also charge 35% interest. And people call me a pirate!
Des: Who writes your jokes, Jimmy Fallon? Meanwhile, the Bears have rediscovered the outside run.
Des: Well, boys and girls, this blog post is wasting precious bandwidth that could be used to print off Fun Spot coupons. End transmission.
Des: Welcome to a most unusual version of the Chicago Bears football post. This time, we provide live reaction (more or less) to the Bears game as it occurs until my imaginary cast of characters and I get tired of the numerous false starts and call it an evening.
SR: Arrh, Des! Speaking of the multiple false starts, 'tis naught but a clever strategy by the Bears offense to rest their defense.
Des: Of course, the question that is hanging in the air: Will the Detroit Lions win their first Monday Night Game since 1867? Or will their multiple penalties up to this point give the Bears defense more rest than the Bears offense? To answer these and similiar questions will be... probably just Redbeard. He's really the only character developed enough for spontaneous repartee.
SR: Arrh, mateys! Methinks your Concord Peabody character is as underutilized as Kellen Davis. He's had only three catches for the year.
Des: Captain, are you sure that Concord isn't as overutilized as Roy Williams? He's already had three catches this year.
SR: Using statistics for humor be not your strong suit, Des. 67% of fans agree with me. 2 out of 3.
Des: By the way, Captain, Bank of America offers 1% cash back on credit card purchases.
SR: They also charge 35% interest. And people call me a pirate!
Des: Who writes your jokes, Jimmy Fallon? Meanwhile, the Bears have rediscovered the outside run.
Des: Well, boys and girls, this blog post is wasting precious bandwidth that could be used to print off Fun Spot coupons. End transmission.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Bears vs. Panthers: 10-2-2011
BEARS VS. PANTHERS: 10-2-11
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Carolina Panthers and former Bears defense coordinator legend Ron Rivera in the midst of a two game losing streak. Will the Bears receivers hold on to the passes Jay Cutler doesn’t overthrow? Or will Panthers’ rookie quarterback Cam Newton receive a much-needed confidence boost after a 1-2 start?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Overcat” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and princess of Themyscira, Wonder Woman.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Time now for Captain Redbeard’s Spotlight on the Team That Has Brought Me the Most Shame: ‘Tis the St. Louis Rams! I had picked them to win the NFC West Division Championship, yet they bring me naught but shame and frustration with their winless record so far! What must they do? They must fire equipment manager Todd Hewitt! 44 years is too long for any one man to serve in that critical position!
Excuse me, mateys. I’m being told by our producer… which… I didn’t know we had… what? They fired him back in January? Then… uh… sacrifice Cadillac Williams to the plant god Utzkartaga, blessed be he who provides me with my sacred magic mushrooms!
Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
CWP: Well, the Bears have nothing but trouble on offense, the defense is worn down, Ron Rivera is looking to defeat his old team, and Cam Newton is hungry for his first away win. That said, the Bears will still win 66 to 8.
Des: Modre. What advice do you have for football fans this week?
Modre: Joyce A. Meyers once said, “A #2 pencil and a dream can take you anywhere.” The Bears could also use a running game.
Des: Wonder Woman. What’s your take on the Bears?
WW: Everybody talks about the storied rivalry between the Bears and the Packers, but that’s nothing compared to my battle with the Blue Snowman.
Des: Really? Why haven’t I heard of him?
WW: Well, her true identity is Byrna Brilyant, a small town school-teacher and scientist who disguised herself as a man called "The Blue Snowman," using a telescopic snow ray to create and reverse blue snow, which paralyzed victims.
Des: So… she’s a cross-dressing super-villain, whose powers are only useful two or three months out of the year. I’m surprised that she never caught on.
WW: Did I mention that she later created an army of robots attuned to her brainwaves?
Des: Were they robot snowmen? Crush….kill… Help! I’m melting! Fatal error! Fatal error!
Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your football posts are filled with bittersweet complexities, generation-defying insights, and are, collectively, a requiem of the post 9/11 dream.
Des: Prissy Minion, you may want to lay off on those Pink Floyd albums. The Final Cut doesn’t synch well with The Wizard of Oz. Believe me, I’ve tried. Multiple times.
Anyway… Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game brought to you by Miller Lite, which is apparently the “manliest” of light beers, but I’m not sure how “manly” and “light beer” get put together in a sentence. Now Southern Comfort or Jack Daniels: those are drinks that’ll get you to ride roller coasters and catch fish without fear, not to mention a bunch of other less, uh, benign activities. And, by “benign”, I mean “legal.”
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Carolina Panthers and former Bears defense coordinator legend Ron Rivera in the midst of a two game losing streak. Will the Bears receivers hold on to the passes Jay Cutler doesn’t overthrow? Or will Panthers’ rookie quarterback Cam Newton receive a much-needed confidence boost after a 1-2 start?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Overcat” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and princess of Themyscira, Wonder Woman.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Time now for Captain Redbeard’s Spotlight on the Team That Has Brought Me the Most Shame: ‘Tis the St. Louis Rams! I had picked them to win the NFC West Division Championship, yet they bring me naught but shame and frustration with their winless record so far! What must they do? They must fire equipment manager Todd Hewitt! 44 years is too long for any one man to serve in that critical position!
Excuse me, mateys. I’m being told by our producer… which… I didn’t know we had… what? They fired him back in January? Then… uh… sacrifice Cadillac Williams to the plant god Utzkartaga, blessed be he who provides me with my sacred magic mushrooms!
Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
CWP: Well, the Bears have nothing but trouble on offense, the defense is worn down, Ron Rivera is looking to defeat his old team, and Cam Newton is hungry for his first away win. That said, the Bears will still win 66 to 8.
Des: Modre. What advice do you have for football fans this week?
Modre: Joyce A. Meyers once said, “A #2 pencil and a dream can take you anywhere.” The Bears could also use a running game.
Des: Wonder Woman. What’s your take on the Bears?
WW: Everybody talks about the storied rivalry between the Bears and the Packers, but that’s nothing compared to my battle with the Blue Snowman.
Des: Really? Why haven’t I heard of him?
WW: Well, her true identity is Byrna Brilyant, a small town school-teacher and scientist who disguised herself as a man called "The Blue Snowman," using a telescopic snow ray to create and reverse blue snow, which paralyzed victims.
Des: So… she’s a cross-dressing super-villain, whose powers are only useful two or three months out of the year. I’m surprised that she never caught on.
WW: Did I mention that she later created an army of robots attuned to her brainwaves?
Des: Were they robot snowmen? Crush….kill… Help! I’m melting! Fatal error! Fatal error!
Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your football posts are filled with bittersweet complexities, generation-defying insights, and are, collectively, a requiem of the post 9/11 dream.
Des: Prissy Minion, you may want to lay off on those Pink Floyd albums. The Final Cut doesn’t synch well with The Wizard of Oz. Believe me, I’ve tried. Multiple times.
Anyway… Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game brought to you by Miller Lite, which is apparently the “manliest” of light beers, but I’m not sure how “manly” and “light beer” get put together in a sentence. Now Southern Comfort or Jack Daniels: those are drinks that’ll get you to ride roller coasters and catch fish without fear, not to mention a bunch of other less, uh, benign activities. And, by “benign”, I mean “legal.”
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Bears vs. Packers: 9-25-11
BEARS VS. PACKERS: 9-25-11
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers after a difficult loss to the New Orleans Saints. Will the Bears recover from this second episode defeat to win their third game, much like Luke Skywalker’s rebels rallied after the tragedies of the second Star Wars movie to defeat the evil emperor in episode three? Or will the Bears suffer a horrible, yet cuddly death, like the Ewoks and Jar Jar Binks?
PM: Oh, Des, far be it for me, your biggest—and only—fan to poke holes in your comedy, but weren’t the Ewoks and Jar Jar among the winners in the various Star Wars trilogies? And weren’t The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi technically episodes five and six? And were the rebels really Luke Skywalker’s rebels, or were they really more of a loose collection that didn’t really follow a charismatic leader? Unless you count Princess Leia, which I don’t.
Des: So, what, Prissy, are you trying to expand your character from creepy stalker to sci-fi nerd? I don’t recall approving that at our pre-show meeting!
Anyway--- to answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Darth Hideous” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Amazon warrior Wonder Woman.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Jay Cutler has taken more of a beating than the Spanish Armada did against the English in the naval Battle of Gravelines, or, to use a more relatable simile, me liver on a Saturday night, or any night of the week, for that matter. What must the Bears offensive line do to improve their protection of their shattered quarterback? Get the offensive line jacked up on an unholy combination of Jamaican rum, and whatever it is those Somali pirates use. What is it, cathinone, or khat? Anyway, Lovie Smith needs to make these changes. Otherwise, the Bears will go through more quarterbacks than Orson Wells plows through courses of a Thanksgiving meal. What? Too soon?
Des: Oh, Captain… Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
CWP: Well, the Bears have already allowed 11 sacks in two games and the Packers have a mighty defense. Also, Aaron Rogers appears unstoppable as a quarterback, and the Bears might be missing running back Marion Barber, safety Chris ¬Harris, guard Lance Louis, receiver Roy Williams and safety Major Wright due to injuries. That said, the Bears will still win 52 to 0.
Des: Modre! What advice do you have for football fans this week?
Modre: T.S. Eliot once said, “The progress of an artist is a continual self-sacrifice, a continual extinction of personality.” By that standard, Dick Jauron should have won 70 Superbowls.
Des: Wonder Woman. What’s your take on football?
WW: Everybody talks about how hot Tom Brady and Tony Romo are, but they’re nothing compared to Steve Trevor.
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. You’re a satisfying answer to a question most people fear to ask.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game brought to you by the font of all union-busting shenanigans, the Koch Brothers, the makers of Quilted Northern Toilet Paper, Angel Soft Toilet Paper, Brawny Paper Towels, Sparkle Paper Towels, Mardi Gras Paper Napkins, Vanity Fair Plates, and Dixie cup products. Remember, folks, if you buy any disposable papery by these jamokes, you’re supporting pure evil. Well, maybe not if you buy Dixie cups. It’s hard to stay mad at those little devils. But the Brawny lumberjack? Don’t turn your back!
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers after a difficult loss to the New Orleans Saints. Will the Bears recover from this second episode defeat to win their third game, much like Luke Skywalker’s rebels rallied after the tragedies of the second Star Wars movie to defeat the evil emperor in episode three? Or will the Bears suffer a horrible, yet cuddly death, like the Ewoks and Jar Jar Binks?
PM: Oh, Des, far be it for me, your biggest—and only—fan to poke holes in your comedy, but weren’t the Ewoks and Jar Jar among the winners in the various Star Wars trilogies? And weren’t The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi technically episodes five and six? And were the rebels really Luke Skywalker’s rebels, or were they really more of a loose collection that didn’t really follow a charismatic leader? Unless you count Princess Leia, which I don’t.
Des: So, what, Prissy, are you trying to expand your character from creepy stalker to sci-fi nerd? I don’t recall approving that at our pre-show meeting!
Anyway--- to answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Darth Hideous” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Amazon warrior Wonder Woman.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Jay Cutler has taken more of a beating than the Spanish Armada did against the English in the naval Battle of Gravelines, or, to use a more relatable simile, me liver on a Saturday night, or any night of the week, for that matter. What must the Bears offensive line do to improve their protection of their shattered quarterback? Get the offensive line jacked up on an unholy combination of Jamaican rum, and whatever it is those Somali pirates use. What is it, cathinone, or khat? Anyway, Lovie Smith needs to make these changes. Otherwise, the Bears will go through more quarterbacks than Orson Wells plows through courses of a Thanksgiving meal. What? Too soon?
Des: Oh, Captain… Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
CWP: Well, the Bears have already allowed 11 sacks in two games and the Packers have a mighty defense. Also, Aaron Rogers appears unstoppable as a quarterback, and the Bears might be missing running back Marion Barber, safety Chris ¬Harris, guard Lance Louis, receiver Roy Williams and safety Major Wright due to injuries. That said, the Bears will still win 52 to 0.
Des: Modre! What advice do you have for football fans this week?
Modre: T.S. Eliot once said, “The progress of an artist is a continual self-sacrifice, a continual extinction of personality.” By that standard, Dick Jauron should have won 70 Superbowls.
Des: Wonder Woman. What’s your take on football?
WW: Everybody talks about how hot Tom Brady and Tony Romo are, but they’re nothing compared to Steve Trevor.
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. You’re a satisfying answer to a question most people fear to ask.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game brought to you by the font of all union-busting shenanigans, the Koch Brothers, the makers of Quilted Northern Toilet Paper, Angel Soft Toilet Paper, Brawny Paper Towels, Sparkle Paper Towels, Mardi Gras Paper Napkins, Vanity Fair Plates, and Dixie cup products. Remember, folks, if you buy any disposable papery by these jamokes, you’re supporting pure evil. Well, maybe not if you buy Dixie cups. It’s hard to stay mad at those little devils. But the Brawny lumberjack? Don’t turn your back!
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Bears vs. Saints: 9-18-2011
BEARS VS. SAINTS: 9-18-11
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the New Orleans Saints after a convincing drubbing of the Atlanta Falcons. Will the Bears capitalize on this early win to begin the march to the Superbowl left unfinished in 2010? Or will the loss of Brian Urlacher rip the heart out of the Bears, much like the loss of Richie Cunningham tore out the soul of Happy Days?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Bar Sinister” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and feminist icon Wonder Woman.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! If it’s limitless booty ye seek, look nae further than Captain Redbeard’s patented Treasure Map to the Superbowl! ‘Tis an ironclad guarantee of gambling-based wealth. Ye’d think that, as a sailor, I’d know a thing or two about ironclads, yet, ironically, I always found that part of Civil War history to be the most boring. The only thing I like about Civil War naval history is the “Anaconda strategy” because I have no idea what that’s talking about, but coastal cities always give in to my demands when I threaten them with my Anaconda.
Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes… the Treasure Map to the Superbowl! In the AFC, I foresee the Patriots, Ravens, Jaguars, and the Chargers hoisting divisional banners, while the Bengals, and Broncos sneak in as wild cards. In the NFC, I envision the Giants, Bears, Saints, and the Rams standing proud atop the shipwrecked hopes of their divisional rivals, while the Panthers, and Cardinals suffer the endless shame of entering the playoffs as a wild card.
Des: Captain, didn’t the Packers win the Superbowl as a wild card?
SR: And they will live with that shame forever. Prepare yourselves for this shocker: I predict a repeat of Superbowl XX: Bears defeat Patriots, although I predict the victory coming down to a single field goal.
Des: Captain, when I looked over your divisional picks from last year, I couldn’t help but notice that, while you were correct in picking the Eagles, Bears, and Falcons to win their divisions, you were totally wrong about the AFC, and you picked the Jets to beat the Eagles in last year’s Superbowl instead of the Packers beating the Steelers. The only “ironclad” guarantee I’m seeing here is a gambling debt bigger than that proposed by Obama’s new stimulus package.
SR: ARRRH, Des, ye might want to consider givin’ up your day job writing jokes for Fox News.
Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
CWS: Well, the Saints statistically have had a speed advantage at home games, their defense wants to avenge their poor showing against Green Bay last week, and the Saints as a whole seem to have some personal issues against Jay Cutler. That said, the Bears will still win 42 to 7.
Des: Modre. What advice do you have for the Bears this week?
Modre: Albert Einstein once said, “Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal.” No better example of this exists than replay review.
Des: Wonder Woman. What’s your take on today’s game?
WW: It’s so typical for football fans to consider me a “feminist icon”. What next, foxy boxers, mud wresters, and Courtney Love?
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. You exert an unparalleled influence over sports commentary that exists to this day… almost as much as Terry Bradshaw.
Des: Ouch. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will hopefully not result in an Obama-esque squandering of all their considerable advantages.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the New Orleans Saints after a convincing drubbing of the Atlanta Falcons. Will the Bears capitalize on this early win to begin the march to the Superbowl left unfinished in 2010? Or will the loss of Brian Urlacher rip the heart out of the Bears, much like the loss of Richie Cunningham tore out the soul of Happy Days?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Bar Sinister” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and feminist icon Wonder Woman.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! If it’s limitless booty ye seek, look nae further than Captain Redbeard’s patented Treasure Map to the Superbowl! ‘Tis an ironclad guarantee of gambling-based wealth. Ye’d think that, as a sailor, I’d know a thing or two about ironclads, yet, ironically, I always found that part of Civil War history to be the most boring. The only thing I like about Civil War naval history is the “Anaconda strategy” because I have no idea what that’s talking about, but coastal cities always give in to my demands when I threaten them with my Anaconda.
Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes… the Treasure Map to the Superbowl! In the AFC, I foresee the Patriots, Ravens, Jaguars, and the Chargers hoisting divisional banners, while the Bengals, and Broncos sneak in as wild cards. In the NFC, I envision the Giants, Bears, Saints, and the Rams standing proud atop the shipwrecked hopes of their divisional rivals, while the Panthers, and Cardinals suffer the endless shame of entering the playoffs as a wild card.
Des: Captain, didn’t the Packers win the Superbowl as a wild card?
SR: And they will live with that shame forever. Prepare yourselves for this shocker: I predict a repeat of Superbowl XX: Bears defeat Patriots, although I predict the victory coming down to a single field goal.
Des: Captain, when I looked over your divisional picks from last year, I couldn’t help but notice that, while you were correct in picking the Eagles, Bears, and Falcons to win their divisions, you were totally wrong about the AFC, and you picked the Jets to beat the Eagles in last year’s Superbowl instead of the Packers beating the Steelers. The only “ironclad” guarantee I’m seeing here is a gambling debt bigger than that proposed by Obama’s new stimulus package.
SR: ARRRH, Des, ye might want to consider givin’ up your day job writing jokes for Fox News.
Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
CWS: Well, the Saints statistically have had a speed advantage at home games, their defense wants to avenge their poor showing against Green Bay last week, and the Saints as a whole seem to have some personal issues against Jay Cutler. That said, the Bears will still win 42 to 7.
Des: Modre. What advice do you have for the Bears this week?
Modre: Albert Einstein once said, “Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal.” No better example of this exists than replay review.
Des: Wonder Woman. What’s your take on today’s game?
WW: It’s so typical for football fans to consider me a “feminist icon”. What next, foxy boxers, mud wresters, and Courtney Love?
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. You exert an unparalleled influence over sports commentary that exists to this day… almost as much as Terry Bradshaw.
Des: Ouch. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will hopefully not result in an Obama-esque squandering of all their considerable advantages.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Bears vs. Falcons: 9-11-11
BEARS VS. FALCONS: 9-11-11
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Atlanta Falcons in the shadow of the 10th anniversary of 9-11 and the contract controversy with Lance Briggs. Will the Bears cave to Lance Briggs’ demand that he be traded? Or will he take the field tomorrow in red, white, and blue finery that would make Captain America and Evel Knievel look understated by comparison?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Sweet Polly Purebred” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and DC Comics super-heroine Wonder Woman.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Whilst the internet provides even the laziest land-lubbing dullard the statistics and expert opinion necessary to transform him into a well-informed sounding expert on sports, I still rely on the tried and true rum induced hallucinations of ocean deities Neptune and Poseidon, plus the occasional obscure Aztec sea lord, such as Chalchiuhtlicue, which means “she who wears the jade skirt”. And a very sexy skirt it is, too! ARRRHHH! Hey, why is it suddenly dark and stormy?
Chalchiuhtlicue: Redbeard! Why do you profane me with your disgusting lust?
SR: Chalchiuhtlicue! My liege! I be truly sorry for me impertinence. Look! I’ll slay Des in your honor!
Des: Hey, wait a minute…
Chalchiuhtlicue: Very well. Why don’t you reveal my predictions for the 2011 Bears season?
SR: Thankee, my aquatic overlord. The Bears will go 11-5 this year, submerging the Falcons, Panthers, Buccaneers, Raiders, Broncos, and Seahawks, plus the Vikings and Lions twice. But they will lose to the Saints, Eagles, Chargers, and Chiefs, and split the Packers.
Des: Captain, I noticed that you picked the Bears to beat the Buccaneers and Raiders. That must be very hard for you.
SR: Not as hard as it will be for you to eat solid food again after our post-production meeting.
Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
CWS: Well, the Falcons traded up for Julio Jones, got Ray Edwards and signed some starting-level defensive backs, while the Bears didn't really address their offensive line woes, lost a key center, cut two players who were big 2010 free-agent signings, and now Lance Briggs wants a trade. That said, the Bears will still win 51 to 3.
Des: Modre. What advice do you have for the Bears this week?
Modre: Ellen Glasgow once said, “All change is not growth, as all movement is not forward.” something the Bears offensive line knows all too well.
Des: Wonder Woman. What’s your take on today’s game?
WW: Don’t refer to me as a super-heroine. It makes me sound like something Scott Weiland used to use. Say “no” to drugs, kids!
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. You combine far-flung elements into a unique sound that is both experimental and melody loving. At least that’s what my unauthorized I-tunes profile of you says.
Des: Okay, then. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will cause as many people to pass out as those who watch a Criss Angel show… also from alcohol poisoning.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Atlanta Falcons in the shadow of the 10th anniversary of 9-11 and the contract controversy with Lance Briggs. Will the Bears cave to Lance Briggs’ demand that he be traded? Or will he take the field tomorrow in red, white, and blue finery that would make Captain America and Evel Knievel look understated by comparison?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Sweet Polly Purebred” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and DC Comics super-heroine Wonder Woman.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Whilst the internet provides even the laziest land-lubbing dullard the statistics and expert opinion necessary to transform him into a well-informed sounding expert on sports, I still rely on the tried and true rum induced hallucinations of ocean deities Neptune and Poseidon, plus the occasional obscure Aztec sea lord, such as Chalchiuhtlicue, which means “she who wears the jade skirt”. And a very sexy skirt it is, too! ARRRHHH! Hey, why is it suddenly dark and stormy?
Chalchiuhtlicue: Redbeard! Why do you profane me with your disgusting lust?
SR: Chalchiuhtlicue! My liege! I be truly sorry for me impertinence. Look! I’ll slay Des in your honor!
Des: Hey, wait a minute…
Chalchiuhtlicue: Very well. Why don’t you reveal my predictions for the 2011 Bears season?
SR: Thankee, my aquatic overlord. The Bears will go 11-5 this year, submerging the Falcons, Panthers, Buccaneers, Raiders, Broncos, and Seahawks, plus the Vikings and Lions twice. But they will lose to the Saints, Eagles, Chargers, and Chiefs, and split the Packers.
Des: Captain, I noticed that you picked the Bears to beat the Buccaneers and Raiders. That must be very hard for you.
SR: Not as hard as it will be for you to eat solid food again after our post-production meeting.
Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
CWS: Well, the Falcons traded up for Julio Jones, got Ray Edwards and signed some starting-level defensive backs, while the Bears didn't really address their offensive line woes, lost a key center, cut two players who were big 2010 free-agent signings, and now Lance Briggs wants a trade. That said, the Bears will still win 51 to 3.
Des: Modre. What advice do you have for the Bears this week?
Modre: Ellen Glasgow once said, “All change is not growth, as all movement is not forward.” something the Bears offensive line knows all too well.
Des: Wonder Woman. What’s your take on today’s game?
WW: Don’t refer to me as a super-heroine. It makes me sound like something Scott Weiland used to use. Say “no” to drugs, kids!
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. You combine far-flung elements into a unique sound that is both experimental and melody loving. At least that’s what my unauthorized I-tunes profile of you says.
Des: Okay, then. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will cause as many people to pass out as those who watch a Criss Angel show… also from alcohol poisoning.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Bears vs. Packers: 1-23-11
BEARS VS. PACKERS: 1-23-11
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football postseason pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers, the only team that stands in the way of a third trip to the Super-bowl. Will the Packers use their magical cheese-head powers to upset the Bears? Or will the Bears and Jets fulfill the wildest fantasies of the NFL and Fox Network and deliver the largest TV audience for a Super-bowl ever? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody; Captain Silas Charles "The Blue Raja" Redbeard; Modre the trans-Western mystic; the Prissy Minion; and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunk McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRRRGGGHHHHH, mateys! The South Korean Navy stole me hijacked freighter in a rout that was almost as embarrassing as the time Richie Rich tricked me into trading me decrepit vessel for a boat made of solid gold that promptly sank to the bottom of the ocean. This week’s solid-gold boat will be the Green Bay Packers, whom I predict will lose by 10 points.
Des: Thank you, Captain. Modre, what wisdom do you have for us?
Modre: James M. Barrie once said, “Life is a long lesson in humility.” However, this is not a lesson the Bears will learn today. Bears win by 20 points.
Des: Concord Peabody, what's your Victory Factor for today’s Bears game?
CP: Des, if you multiply the number of kicking return touchdowns by Devin Hester by the number of rushing and passing yards by Matt Forte and then divide that by the number of jokes Frank Caliendo still makes about Brett Favre, you get a Victory Factor of 531.8008, which, if you type that number into your calculator, and turn it upside-down, equals a good time for the Bears, who will win by 36 points.
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things in Tailgate Land?
DMD: Well, Des, the latest Miller Lite commercial warns us not to wear sunglasses at night. I applaud the Miller Brewing Company for being proactive and preventing a recurrence of the scourge that decimated so many lives in the 1980s. Also, I predict that this game will be a nail-biter, with the Bears winning by a well-timed 4th quarter safety, causing a massive swarming of Soldier Field by Bears fans led by me, the alcoholic Pied Piper. I’m pretty sure that I will escape any criminal charges for that action… but not for the numerous other celebration-related crimes that will immediately follow.
Des: Prissy Minion, how do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your humor follows the same winning strategy as the Bears… very, very defensive. The Bears will win by 7 points.
Des: Sit back and watch in a hypothermic coma as the Bears face off in an ice bowl match-up that will lead to either a Super-bowl between two very large, awesome urban metropoli, or a contest between two insignificant, dying Rust Belt hamlets. If you're Fox Sports or Las Vegas, it’s obvious how you want fix this game: Bears win by 14.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football postseason pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers, the only team that stands in the way of a third trip to the Super-bowl. Will the Packers use their magical cheese-head powers to upset the Bears? Or will the Bears and Jets fulfill the wildest fantasies of the NFL and Fox Network and deliver the largest TV audience for a Super-bowl ever? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody; Captain Silas Charles "The Blue Raja" Redbeard; Modre the trans-Western mystic; the Prissy Minion; and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunk McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRRRGGGHHHHH, mateys! The South Korean Navy stole me hijacked freighter in a rout that was almost as embarrassing as the time Richie Rich tricked me into trading me decrepit vessel for a boat made of solid gold that promptly sank to the bottom of the ocean. This week’s solid-gold boat will be the Green Bay Packers, whom I predict will lose by 10 points.
Des: Thank you, Captain. Modre, what wisdom do you have for us?
Modre: James M. Barrie once said, “Life is a long lesson in humility.” However, this is not a lesson the Bears will learn today. Bears win by 20 points.
Des: Concord Peabody, what's your Victory Factor for today’s Bears game?
CP: Des, if you multiply the number of kicking return touchdowns by Devin Hester by the number of rushing and passing yards by Matt Forte and then divide that by the number of jokes Frank Caliendo still makes about Brett Favre, you get a Victory Factor of 531.8008, which, if you type that number into your calculator, and turn it upside-down, equals a good time for the Bears, who will win by 36 points.
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things in Tailgate Land?
DMD: Well, Des, the latest Miller Lite commercial warns us not to wear sunglasses at night. I applaud the Miller Brewing Company for being proactive and preventing a recurrence of the scourge that decimated so many lives in the 1980s. Also, I predict that this game will be a nail-biter, with the Bears winning by a well-timed 4th quarter safety, causing a massive swarming of Soldier Field by Bears fans led by me, the alcoholic Pied Piper. I’m pretty sure that I will escape any criminal charges for that action… but not for the numerous other celebration-related crimes that will immediately follow.
Des: Prissy Minion, how do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your humor follows the same winning strategy as the Bears… very, very defensive. The Bears will win by 7 points.
Des: Sit back and watch in a hypothermic coma as the Bears face off in an ice bowl match-up that will lead to either a Super-bowl between two very large, awesome urban metropoli, or a contest between two insignificant, dying Rust Belt hamlets. If you're Fox Sports or Las Vegas, it’s obvious how you want fix this game: Bears win by 14.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Bears vs. Seahawks: 1-16-11
BEARS VS. SEAHWAKS: 1-16-11
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football postseason pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Seattle Seahawks, whose shocking victory against last year’s Super-bowl champion is already the stuff of legends. Will the Seahawks continue their magical, Caddyshack-esque Cinderella story? Or will the Bears crush their dreams to powder, like Lucy Van Pelt does to poor old Charlie Brown, then turns around to offer “tough love” therapy, presaging TV psychologist Dr. Phil by four decades? To untangle these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody; Captain Silas Charles "Pig-Pen" Redbeard; Modre the trans-Western mystic; the Prissy Minion; and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunk McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRRRGGGHHHHH, mateys! Well, the Bears have trouble everywhere ye turn: Poor pass protection, questionable decision making by Jay Cutler, a Seattle quarterback that has torched more post-season defenses than me naval barrage against coastal cities that refused to submit to me very reasonable demands for 200 tons of gold… where was I? Anyway, that being said, I still foresee the Bears winning by 17 points.
Des: Thank you, Captain. Modre, what wisdom do you have for us?
Modre: Paulo Coelho once said, “Whoever you are, or whatever it is that you do, when you really want something, it's because that desire originated in the sound of the universe.” Unless that sound is a Whitesnake song, in which case I would listen to something else first, before making any life-changing decisions.
Des: Concord Peabody, what's your Victory Factor for today’s Bears game?
CP: Des, if you multiply the number of tackles by Julius Peppers and Brian Urlacher by the number of passing yards by Jay Cutler and then divide that by the number of jokes Jay Leno and David Letterman still make about Seattle weather and the “grunge” scene, you get a Victory Factor of 113.4, which, if you type that number into your calculator, and turn it upside-down, equals bad news for the Seahawks.
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things in Tailgate Land?
DMD: Well, Des, for once I’m going against the advice of a beer commercial and will continue to wear my dragon-print jacket. It hurts no one!
Des: Prissy Minion, how do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your Bears football post is like a flashlight with a dying battery… it’s just bright enough to scare you, but not light enough to keep you from bumping into things.
Des: Sit back and watch in front of your fake gas fireplace as the Bears face off in a match that will either make Chicagoans forget the pain of horribly overpriced parking, or serve as Frances Farmer’s revenge on Chicago.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football postseason pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Seattle Seahawks, whose shocking victory against last year’s Super-bowl champion is already the stuff of legends. Will the Seahawks continue their magical, Caddyshack-esque Cinderella story? Or will the Bears crush their dreams to powder, like Lucy Van Pelt does to poor old Charlie Brown, then turns around to offer “tough love” therapy, presaging TV psychologist Dr. Phil by four decades? To untangle these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody; Captain Silas Charles "Pig-Pen" Redbeard; Modre the trans-Western mystic; the Prissy Minion; and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunk McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRRRGGGHHHHH, mateys! Well, the Bears have trouble everywhere ye turn: Poor pass protection, questionable decision making by Jay Cutler, a Seattle quarterback that has torched more post-season defenses than me naval barrage against coastal cities that refused to submit to me very reasonable demands for 200 tons of gold… where was I? Anyway, that being said, I still foresee the Bears winning by 17 points.
Des: Thank you, Captain. Modre, what wisdom do you have for us?
Modre: Paulo Coelho once said, “Whoever you are, or whatever it is that you do, when you really want something, it's because that desire originated in the sound of the universe.” Unless that sound is a Whitesnake song, in which case I would listen to something else first, before making any life-changing decisions.
Des: Concord Peabody, what's your Victory Factor for today’s Bears game?
CP: Des, if you multiply the number of tackles by Julius Peppers and Brian Urlacher by the number of passing yards by Jay Cutler and then divide that by the number of jokes Jay Leno and David Letterman still make about Seattle weather and the “grunge” scene, you get a Victory Factor of 113.4, which, if you type that number into your calculator, and turn it upside-down, equals bad news for the Seahawks.
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things in Tailgate Land?
DMD: Well, Des, for once I’m going against the advice of a beer commercial and will continue to wear my dragon-print jacket. It hurts no one!
Des: Prissy Minion, how do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your Bears football post is like a flashlight with a dying battery… it’s just bright enough to scare you, but not light enough to keep you from bumping into things.
Des: Sit back and watch in front of your fake gas fireplace as the Bears face off in a match that will either make Chicagoans forget the pain of horribly overpriced parking, or serve as Frances Farmer’s revenge on Chicago.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Bears vs. Packers: 01-02-2011
BEARS VS. PACKERS: 1-2-11
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers after a convincing victory against the New York Jets. Will this be the opportunity the Packers are seeking to back into the playoffs? Or will Green Bay be reduced to a speed bump on the Bears improbable drive to the Super-bowl? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody; Captain Silas Charles "Hair of the Dog" Redbeard; Modre the trans-Western mystic; the Prissy Minion; and tailgater extrarodinaire, Drunky McDumbAss.
SR: ARRRRRGGGHHHHH, mateys! Me satellite dish is no longer functioning at peak performance since I used it to concoct me special blend of Captain Redbeard’s Rum of Eternal Darkness. Here’s a consumer’s warning label for you: If you’re offered a Captain and Coke with this brew, ye’d be best off to run far, far away. Sadly, I did not heed my own advice and so the only thing I’ll be seeing is the future, and not the useful future either, but just the outcome of today’s Bears game, in which I foresee the Bears winning by 10 points, although the Packers will be play one solid quarter of football.
Des: Thank you, Captain. Modre, what wisdom do you have for us?
Modre: I’ve lost my internet connection, so my only source of wisdom comes not from learned texts, or insights from within, but rather from this Magic 8 Ball, which says, “Ask again later.”
Des: Concord Peabody, what's your Victory Factor for the Bears matchup against Green Bay?
CP: Des, if you divide the number of Aaron Rogers’ concussions by the amount of money in the State of Illinois’ Pension Fund, you get a Victory Factor of -115.7, which somehow still results in a Bears win.
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things in Tailgate Land?
DMD: Well, Des, I’m still hung over from New Year’s Eve, I’ve got what is either tuberculosis or pneumonia or both, and I woke up this afternoon at Soldier Field instead of at Lambeau. Other than that… go Bears!
Des: Prissy Minion, how do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your Bears football posts are like a fevered dream… nightmarish and melting, but if you pick apart the symbolism, you learn a lot about yourself… which may not be a good thing!
Des: Sit back and watch in a Nyquil and champagne induced haze as the Bears face off in a match that may determine who gets to enter the buzz saw that is the New England Patriots
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers after a convincing victory against the New York Jets. Will this be the opportunity the Packers are seeking to back into the playoffs? Or will Green Bay be reduced to a speed bump on the Bears improbable drive to the Super-bowl? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody; Captain Silas Charles "Hair of the Dog" Redbeard; Modre the trans-Western mystic; the Prissy Minion; and tailgater extrarodinaire, Drunky McDumbAss.
SR: ARRRRRGGGHHHHH, mateys! Me satellite dish is no longer functioning at peak performance since I used it to concoct me special blend of Captain Redbeard’s Rum of Eternal Darkness. Here’s a consumer’s warning label for you: If you’re offered a Captain and Coke with this brew, ye’d be best off to run far, far away. Sadly, I did not heed my own advice and so the only thing I’ll be seeing is the future, and not the useful future either, but just the outcome of today’s Bears game, in which I foresee the Bears winning by 10 points, although the Packers will be play one solid quarter of football.
Des: Thank you, Captain. Modre, what wisdom do you have for us?
Modre: I’ve lost my internet connection, so my only source of wisdom comes not from learned texts, or insights from within, but rather from this Magic 8 Ball, which says, “Ask again later.”
Des: Concord Peabody, what's your Victory Factor for the Bears matchup against Green Bay?
CP: Des, if you divide the number of Aaron Rogers’ concussions by the amount of money in the State of Illinois’ Pension Fund, you get a Victory Factor of -115.7, which somehow still results in a Bears win.
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things in Tailgate Land?
DMD: Well, Des, I’m still hung over from New Year’s Eve, I’ve got what is either tuberculosis or pneumonia or both, and I woke up this afternoon at Soldier Field instead of at Lambeau. Other than that… go Bears!
Des: Prissy Minion, how do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your Bears football posts are like a fevered dream… nightmarish and melting, but if you pick apart the symbolism, you learn a lot about yourself… which may not be a good thing!
Des: Sit back and watch in a Nyquil and champagne induced haze as the Bears face off in a match that may determine who gets to enter the buzz saw that is the New England Patriots
Bears vs. Jets: 12-26-10
BEARS VS. JETS: 12-26-10
SR: Arrrhh!!! Mateys, I'll just cut to the chase: Des was too busy making merry this Yuletide season to develop a post... and "develop" is the correct word, as these posts are not "written", as the average person would understand the term, but are indeed developed in a red-lit closet. Anyway, you will soon receive a post previewing the Bears/Packers game if the Internet connection gods be kind.
Sincerely,
Captain Silas Charles "Snuggles" Redbeard
SR: Arrrhh!!! Mateys, I'll just cut to the chase: Des was too busy making merry this Yuletide season to develop a post... and "develop" is the correct word, as these posts are not "written", as the average person would understand the term, but are indeed developed in a red-lit closet. Anyway, you will soon receive a post previewing the Bears/Packers game if the Internet connection gods be kind.
Sincerely,
Captain Silas Charles "Snuggles" Redbeard
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