Bears vs. Seahawks: 1-16-11

BEARS VS. SEAHWAKS: 1-16-11

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football postseason pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Seattle Seahawks, whose shocking victory against last year’s Super-bowl champion is already the stuff of legends. Will the Seahawks continue their magical, Caddyshack-esque Cinderella story? Or will the Bears crush their dreams to powder, like Lucy Van Pelt does to poor old Charlie Brown, then turns around to offer “tough love” therapy, presaging TV psychologist Dr. Phil by four decades? To untangle these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody; Captain Silas Charles "Pig-Pen" Redbeard; Modre the trans-Western mystic; the Prissy Minion; and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunk McDumb-Ass.

SR: ARRRRRGGGHHHHH, mateys! Well, the Bears have trouble everywhere ye turn: Poor pass protection, questionable decision making by Jay Cutler, a Seattle quarterback that has torched more post-season defenses than me naval barrage against coastal cities that refused to submit to me very reasonable demands for 200 tons of gold… where was I? Anyway, that being said, I still foresee the Bears winning by 17 points.

Des: Thank you, Captain. Modre, what wisdom do you have for us?

Modre: Paulo Coelho once said, “Whoever you are, or whatever it is that you do, when you really want something, it's because that desire originated in the sound of the universe.” Unless that sound is a Whitesnake song, in which case I would listen to something else first, before making any life-changing decisions.

Des: Concord Peabody, what's your Victory Factor for today’s Bears game?

CP: Des, if you multiply the number of tackles by Julius Peppers and Brian Urlacher by the number of passing yards by Jay Cutler and then divide that by the number of jokes Jay Leno and David Letterman still make about Seattle weather and the “grunge” scene, you get a Victory Factor of 113.4, which, if you type that number into your calculator, and turn it upside-down, equals bad news for the Seahawks.

Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things in Tailgate Land?

DMD: Well, Des, for once I’m going against the advice of a beer commercial and will continue to wear my dragon-print jacket. It hurts no one!

Des: Prissy Minion, how do you want to finish this off?

PM: Oh, Des. Your Bears football post is like a flashlight with a dying battery… it’s just bright enough to scare you, but not light enough to keep you from bumping into things.

Des: Sit back and watch in front of your fake gas fireplace as the Bears face off in a match that will either make Chicagoans forget the pain of horribly overpriced parking, or serve as Frances Farmer’s revenge on Chicago.