BEARS VS. PACKERS: 12-22-08
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Packers in a must-win game (assuming the Vikings don’t win on Sunday). Can the Bears take advantage of a Green Bay team still struggling to fill the hole left by the tragic departure of Brett Favre? Or will Chicago be forced to endure the eternal, icy vengeance of Mr. Freeze without the distraction of post-season football?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Sasha Fierce” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, the evil magician from “Frosty the snowman”, Professor Hinkle.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Like Matt Forte, me right toe is throbbin’ painfully. Therefore, I foresee the Bears running the table like me pirate armada knifed through the United Nations’ blockade of the Horn of Africa. Wait, that ended in tragedy for all involved. Disregard that prediction.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears are 8-6 this year against teams in cities on the brink of economic disaster. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: As Deng Xiaoping once said, “It doesn't matter if a cat is black or white, so long as it catches mice.” Does this mean the return of Rex Grossman is in the cards? No.
Des: Professor Hinkle. What are your thoughts?
PH: I must get that hat back! Think nasty, think nasty, think nasty!
Des: Now you go home and write "I am very sorry for what I did to Frosty" a hundred zillion times. And then maybe - just maybe, mind you - you'll find something in your stocking tomorrow morning. Prissy Minion. Your thoughts.
PM: Oh, Des. You are the true spirit of Christmas.
Des: Sit back and watch with your “Mike Singletary for Governor” T-shirt as the Bears face off in a match that will save Christmas in the only way possible… through violence.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Bears vs. Saints: 12-11-08
BEARS VS. SAINTS: 12-11-08
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Saints on a Thursday, a day not ordained by either God or Des as suitable for football. Can the Bears compete against the likes of Ugly Betty or CSI? Or will Thursday Night Football be yet another NFL fumble, like throwback uniforms and coaches’ challenges?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Irish Spring” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a Yuletide perspective, Burgermeister Meisterburger.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! While today’s modern pirates may prefer their fancy speedboats and rocket launchers while stalking their prey, there be nothing more satisfying than a good old fashioned keel-haulin’, using nothing but the wind-filled sails, yer nautical wits, and rum-fueled rage. In a similar fashion, the Bears can only defeat the Saints with some good old-fashioned smash-mouth defense, not this fancy-pants “Wildcat offense”, whatever that be.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears are 17-4 against teams in cities abandoned by God and man. This includes New Orleans, Green Bay, St. Louis, and Detroit.
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: As Sun Tzu once said, “supreme excellence consists in breaking the enemy's resistance without fighting.” Unfortunately, that’s not very compelling football.
Des: Burgermeister Meisterbrau. Break our Christmas spirit, won’t you?
BM: I hate toys! And toys hate me! Either they are going or I am going and I definitely am not going!
Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. What now?
PM: Oh, Des. When I hear you speak, it’s not so much the words I listen to as the gentle spirit behind it.
Des: Sit back and watch with your “Mike Ditka for Governor” T-shirt as the Bears face off in a battle that will make you forget that Thursday is “The Office” night. Uh, forget I said anything.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Saints on a Thursday, a day not ordained by either God or Des as suitable for football. Can the Bears compete against the likes of Ugly Betty or CSI? Or will Thursday Night Football be yet another NFL fumble, like throwback uniforms and coaches’ challenges?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Irish Spring” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a Yuletide perspective, Burgermeister Meisterburger.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! While today’s modern pirates may prefer their fancy speedboats and rocket launchers while stalking their prey, there be nothing more satisfying than a good old fashioned keel-haulin’, using nothing but the wind-filled sails, yer nautical wits, and rum-fueled rage. In a similar fashion, the Bears can only defeat the Saints with some good old-fashioned smash-mouth defense, not this fancy-pants “Wildcat offense”, whatever that be.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears are 17-4 against teams in cities abandoned by God and man. This includes New Orleans, Green Bay, St. Louis, and Detroit.
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: As Sun Tzu once said, “supreme excellence consists in breaking the enemy's resistance without fighting.” Unfortunately, that’s not very compelling football.
Des: Burgermeister Meisterbrau. Break our Christmas spirit, won’t you?
BM: I hate toys! And toys hate me! Either they are going or I am going and I definitely am not going!
Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. What now?
PM: Oh, Des. When I hear you speak, it’s not so much the words I listen to as the gentle spirit behind it.
Des: Sit back and watch with your “Mike Ditka for Governor” T-shirt as the Bears face off in a battle that will make you forget that Thursday is “The Office” night. Uh, forget I said anything.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Bears vs. Jaguars: 12-7-08
BEARS VS. JAGUARS: 12-7-08
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show, sponsored by Fox’s new hit movie Quantum of Solace. The Bears face off against the Jaguars after losing to the Vikings. Will Chicago defeat the Jags with a combination of suave hipness and fancy gadgetry? Or will Jacksonville emerge victorious with a nefarious plot hatched from their undersea headquarters?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Holly Good-head” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a Yuletide perspective, Ebenezer Scrooge.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! After a long day of avoiding the U.S. 5th fleet off the coast of Somalia, nothing goes down better than rum mixed with a dash of Shasta cola… shaken, not stirred. I burned meself with a laminator while creating me own official license to kill: This be an omen from Father Neptune himself! His upset pick this week: the Cincinnati Bengals will defeat the Indianapolis Colts.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears are 13-3 against teams in cities where the mosquito-to-human ratio exceeds 10,000,000:1. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: In the grand scheme of things laid out by Shuma-Gorath, football be naught but the tiniest thread in the tapestry of existence. Still, I foresee the Bears winning 31-24.
Des: Ebenezer Scrooge. Lay down some angry 19th century wisdom.
Scrooge: Are there no prisons?!? Are there no workhouses?!?
Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. What now?
PM: Oh, Des. Your sports insights exceeds that of all other broadcasters combined.
Des: Including the bad ones?
PM: Is there any other kind?
Des: Sit back and watch with your Neckbeard napkin as the Bears face off in a battle that will inspire you to compile a list of all the Bears quarterbacks who have worn the numbers 8 and 18 since 1990.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show, sponsored by Fox’s new hit movie Quantum of Solace. The Bears face off against the Jaguars after losing to the Vikings. Will Chicago defeat the Jags with a combination of suave hipness and fancy gadgetry? Or will Jacksonville emerge victorious with a nefarious plot hatched from their undersea headquarters?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Holly Good-head” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a Yuletide perspective, Ebenezer Scrooge.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! After a long day of avoiding the U.S. 5th fleet off the coast of Somalia, nothing goes down better than rum mixed with a dash of Shasta cola… shaken, not stirred. I burned meself with a laminator while creating me own official license to kill: This be an omen from Father Neptune himself! His upset pick this week: the Cincinnati Bengals will defeat the Indianapolis Colts.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears are 13-3 against teams in cities where the mosquito-to-human ratio exceeds 10,000,000:1. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: In the grand scheme of things laid out by Shuma-Gorath, football be naught but the tiniest thread in the tapestry of existence. Still, I foresee the Bears winning 31-24.
Des: Ebenezer Scrooge. Lay down some angry 19th century wisdom.
Scrooge: Are there no prisons?!? Are there no workhouses?!?
Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. What now?
PM: Oh, Des. Your sports insights exceeds that of all other broadcasters combined.
Des: Including the bad ones?
PM: Is there any other kind?
Des: Sit back and watch with your Neckbeard napkin as the Bears face off in a battle that will inspire you to compile a list of all the Bears quarterbacks who have worn the numbers 8 and 18 since 1990.
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