BEARS VS. REDSKINS: 10-24-10
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The NFL’s worst defense travels to battle one of the league’s worst offenses. Will Jay Cutler be able to absorb and somehow execute the complex intricacies of Mike Martz’ offensive schemes? Or should the Bears just accept their fate, like the Democrats seem prepared to do come November? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Morpheus” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! The Bears will emerge victorious this fine Sunday afternoon due to my thousand-year curse I’ve placed upon the Redskins until they get rid of their horribly, horribly racist name.
Des: Wow, that’s unusually sensitive of you, Captain.
SR: Well, Des, I did a lot of really, really bad things in the 1600s. I’m hoping this will completely atone for those actions.
Des: Speaking of atoning for past mistakes, Captain, last week, you were wrong again by choosing the 49ers to go winless this season. What’s happ’nin, Cap’n?
SR: Arrh, Des, that be your most awkward transition ever! I refuse to dignify that with a response, except to say ARRRRHHHHHHH!!!!!!…. mateys!
Des: Isn’t that always your standard response, Captain? ARRRHHH? Drunky McDumb-Ass. What’s your prediction for today’s game?
DMD: Yet another trip to the hospital for me and my friends when I convert my 1985 Ford LTD into a rolling snack bar for my fellow tailgaters but forget to fully convert my gas tank into a keg of beer.
Des: Modre. How will the Bears do against the Redskins?
Modre: Do not try and bend the spoon. That's impossible. Instead... only try to realize the truth.
Des: What truth?
Modre: There is no spoon.
Des: What’s this, then? (Holds up a spoon).
Modre: That is a Spork.
Des: Concord Peabody. Any irrelevant stats you want to share?
CWP: Des, the Bears are 57-43 lifetime when they use go with the run and 3-1 when they use the pass.
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your football posts are like a broken digital wristwatch… not very informative, but it leaves a nice tan line on the surface of your mind!
Des: Uh, sit back and watch with your 3DBB as the Bears face off in a rivalry as ancient as that of Tennessee Tuxedo versus Stanley Livingston in a stadium as well-designed and escape-proof as Megapolis Zoo.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Bears vs. Seahawks: 10-17-10
BEARS VS. SEAHAWKS: 10-17-10
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Seattle Seahawks after defeating the Carolina Panthers despite a weak performance by backup quarterback Todd Collins. Will Jay Cutler return to reignite the Bears’ sputtering offense? Or should the Bears drop the pretense of having a quarterback and just hand it off to Matt Forte every play? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Speaker-Boxx” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! The Buffalo Bills, Carolina Panthers, and San Francisco 49ers are 0-5 teams, which be truly embarrassing since I picked the Bills and 49ers to go to the playoffs. Just you try to collect me gambling debts, Las Vegas bookies! I think you’ll find my imaginary pirate fleet to be more than a match for your pirate-themed hotels. So… which team be truly accursed to go 0-16? I choose the San Francisco 49ers! But, please, please, do not dismiss your flamboyant skipper Mike Singletary. His psychotic rages are far more entertaining than anything else the NFL has to offer and will be the source of many, many Coors Light commercials.
Des: Uh, thank you, Captain. That’s actually one of your less disturbing tirades. Drunky McDumb-Ass. What do you foresee happening on Football Sunday?
DMD: Des, I foresee my “Fan-bulance” being converted back to an ambulance by the end of first quarter.
Des: Modre. How will the Bears do against the Seattle Seahawks if Jay Cutler is unavailable?
Modre: The body cannot live without the mind. Unless you’re the Bears, in which case the body cannot live without the fleet feet of Matt Forte.
Des: Wow… Modre, that comment was actually somewhat related to football.
Modre: I hang my head in shame.
Des: Concord Peabody. Any irrelevant stats you want to share?
CWP: Des, the Bears are 57-43 lifetime when their quarterback has a single digit quarterback rating and 3-1 when they have a rating over 100.
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your football posts are like paintings of Elvis on black velvet: best appreciated ironically.
Des: Uh, sit back and watch with your fake “3D” TV as the Bears face off in a rivalry as ancient as that of Sparta versus… whoever they fought, and as equally loud, with a lot of unnecessary shouting.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Seattle Seahawks after defeating the Carolina Panthers despite a weak performance by backup quarterback Todd Collins. Will Jay Cutler return to reignite the Bears’ sputtering offense? Or should the Bears drop the pretense of having a quarterback and just hand it off to Matt Forte every play? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Speaker-Boxx” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! The Buffalo Bills, Carolina Panthers, and San Francisco 49ers are 0-5 teams, which be truly embarrassing since I picked the Bills and 49ers to go to the playoffs. Just you try to collect me gambling debts, Las Vegas bookies! I think you’ll find my imaginary pirate fleet to be more than a match for your pirate-themed hotels. So… which team be truly accursed to go 0-16? I choose the San Francisco 49ers! But, please, please, do not dismiss your flamboyant skipper Mike Singletary. His psychotic rages are far more entertaining than anything else the NFL has to offer and will be the source of many, many Coors Light commercials.
Des: Uh, thank you, Captain. That’s actually one of your less disturbing tirades. Drunky McDumb-Ass. What do you foresee happening on Football Sunday?
DMD: Des, I foresee my “Fan-bulance” being converted back to an ambulance by the end of first quarter.
Des: Modre. How will the Bears do against the Seattle Seahawks if Jay Cutler is unavailable?
Modre: The body cannot live without the mind. Unless you’re the Bears, in which case the body cannot live without the fleet feet of Matt Forte.
Des: Wow… Modre, that comment was actually somewhat related to football.
Modre: I hang my head in shame.
Des: Concord Peabody. Any irrelevant stats you want to share?
CWP: Des, the Bears are 57-43 lifetime when their quarterback has a single digit quarterback rating and 3-1 when they have a rating over 100.
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your football posts are like paintings of Elvis on black velvet: best appreciated ironically.
Des: Uh, sit back and watch with your fake “3D” TV as the Bears face off in a rivalry as ancient as that of Sparta versus… whoever they fought, and as equally loud, with a lot of unnecessary shouting.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Bears vs. Panthers: 10-10-10
BEARS VS. PANTHERS: 10-10-10
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Carolina Panthers after Jay Cutler suffered nine first half sacks against the New York Giants. Will the Bears strengthen their offensive line to protect backup QB Todd Collins? Or should the Bears have ten quarterbacks waiting in the wings? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Stone Cold” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Here be my prediction for this Sunday: the price of gold will skyrocket after me crew and I shanghai the gold shipment used to pay Titans’ coach Chuck Cecil’s fine for giving the finger to an official. If I had to pay a fine every time I proudly displayed me middle hook to a deserving land-lubber, I’d be sailing the seven seas wearing naught but a barrel.
Des: Uh, thank you, Captain, for that disturbing image.
SR: By the way, Des, my report was brought to you by Captain Redbeard’s Gold Warehouse. Do you have any unwanted gold that’s cluttering up your house, car, or teeth? Then send it in to Captain Redbeard’s Gold Warehouse. In exchange for your precious, precious gold, you’ll receive a complementary pass to board one of me haunted Halloween vessels where the horrors are genuine and the stories you’ll have to pass on to your children or therapist will last a lifetime.
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. What do you foresee happening on Football Sunday?
DMD: Des, I foresee myself getting into a pleasurably wacky misunderstanding between myself and my wife/significant other in which she thinks I’m talking about buying her jewelry and I think she’s talking about buying me smooth drinking Coors Light.
Des: Modre. How will the Bears do against the Carolina Panthers?
Modre: When you're inside the helmet, you look around, what do you see? Businessmen, teachers, lawyers, carpenters. The very minds of the people we are trying to save. But until we do, these people are still a part of that system and that makes them our enemy.
Des: So… your strategy for defeating the Panthers is to get inside their heads?
Modre: No, my strategy is to keep quoting from The Matrix and hope nobody notices. Except for the part about being inside the “helmet”. That was an ad lib. But do my borrowed “insights” make any less sense than more traditional broadcasters Terry Bradshaw or Jimmy Johnson.?
Des: Unfortunately, no. Concord Peabody. Any irrelevant stats you want to share?
CWP: Des, the Bears are 57-43 lifetime when they play with their second string quarterback, and 9-7 when they use their first stringer.
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your football posts are like a Valentine box of chocolates: a seemingly thoughtful gesture that is ultimately unconsumed and thrown away.
Des: Ouch! Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a rivalry as recent as that of Palin versus Olbermann… and as equally pointless.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Carolina Panthers after Jay Cutler suffered nine first half sacks against the New York Giants. Will the Bears strengthen their offensive line to protect backup QB Todd Collins? Or should the Bears have ten quarterbacks waiting in the wings? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Stone Cold” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Here be my prediction for this Sunday: the price of gold will skyrocket after me crew and I shanghai the gold shipment used to pay Titans’ coach Chuck Cecil’s fine for giving the finger to an official. If I had to pay a fine every time I proudly displayed me middle hook to a deserving land-lubber, I’d be sailing the seven seas wearing naught but a barrel.
Des: Uh, thank you, Captain, for that disturbing image.
SR: By the way, Des, my report was brought to you by Captain Redbeard’s Gold Warehouse. Do you have any unwanted gold that’s cluttering up your house, car, or teeth? Then send it in to Captain Redbeard’s Gold Warehouse. In exchange for your precious, precious gold, you’ll receive a complementary pass to board one of me haunted Halloween vessels where the horrors are genuine and the stories you’ll have to pass on to your children or therapist will last a lifetime.
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. What do you foresee happening on Football Sunday?
DMD: Des, I foresee myself getting into a pleasurably wacky misunderstanding between myself and my wife/significant other in which she thinks I’m talking about buying her jewelry and I think she’s talking about buying me smooth drinking Coors Light.
Des: Modre. How will the Bears do against the Carolina Panthers?
Modre: When you're inside the helmet, you look around, what do you see? Businessmen, teachers, lawyers, carpenters. The very minds of the people we are trying to save. But until we do, these people are still a part of that system and that makes them our enemy.
Des: So… your strategy for defeating the Panthers is to get inside their heads?
Modre: No, my strategy is to keep quoting from The Matrix and hope nobody notices. Except for the part about being inside the “helmet”. That was an ad lib. But do my borrowed “insights” make any less sense than more traditional broadcasters Terry Bradshaw or Jimmy Johnson.?
Des: Unfortunately, no. Concord Peabody. Any irrelevant stats you want to share?
CWP: Des, the Bears are 57-43 lifetime when they play with their second string quarterback, and 9-7 when they use their first stringer.
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your football posts are like a Valentine box of chocolates: a seemingly thoughtful gesture that is ultimately unconsumed and thrown away.
Des: Ouch! Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a rivalry as recent as that of Palin versus Olbermann… and as equally pointless.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Bears vs. Giants: 10-3-10
BEARS VS. GIANTS: 10-3-10
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the New York Giants, a surprisingly vulnerable team in this battle between two very large television markets. Will the Giants repair their problems with turnovers, defense, and quarterbacking? Or will the Bears continue their unexpected dominance of the National Football League? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Mecha-Godzilla” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Whilst I could yield to your laborious land-lubbing demands, Des, and unveil me predictions for this week’s game, I prefer to dissect what happened last week much as I might examine the entrails of an albatross to fix the blame on one of my minions for another disastrous voyage. “Oh, don’t worry, Captain Redbeard. You won’t really fall off the edge of the earth into the mouths of numerous sea dragons. That’s just a myth spread by land-lubbers.” Five splintered vessels later….
Des: Uh, thank you, Captain. Drunky McDumb-Ass. What do you foresee happening Sunday Night?
DMD: Des, I foresee myself getting pulled over by the cops while I’m trying to drive home with a car filled to my chin with spilled beer. Or urine. With Nine Inch Nails music playing in the background.
Des: Modre. How will the Bears do against the New York football Giants?
Modre: If real is what you can feel, smell, taste and see, then 'real' is simply electrical signals interpreted by your brain
SR: Arrh, matey! Let’s see how well your brain can interpret this taser!
Modre: Je ne comprende pas!!!
SR: That’s what I thought.
Des: Concord Peabody. What’s the Bears’ key to victory?
CWP: Des, the Bears are 14-7 lifetime against teams quarterbacked by the Manning brothers—except for the Super-bowl. That was a heartbreaker.
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your creative output is like Frankenstein’s monster: horribly disfigured on the surface, but nestled inside is a poignant commentary on the follies of man. Also, both are vulnerable to fire.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a rivalry as ancient as that of Stalin versus Trotsky… and as equally one-sided.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the New York Giants, a surprisingly vulnerable team in this battle between two very large television markets. Will the Giants repair their problems with turnovers, defense, and quarterbacking? Or will the Bears continue their unexpected dominance of the National Football League? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Mecha-Godzilla” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Whilst I could yield to your laborious land-lubbing demands, Des, and unveil me predictions for this week’s game, I prefer to dissect what happened last week much as I might examine the entrails of an albatross to fix the blame on one of my minions for another disastrous voyage. “Oh, don’t worry, Captain Redbeard. You won’t really fall off the edge of the earth into the mouths of numerous sea dragons. That’s just a myth spread by land-lubbers.” Five splintered vessels later….
Des: Uh, thank you, Captain. Drunky McDumb-Ass. What do you foresee happening Sunday Night?
DMD: Des, I foresee myself getting pulled over by the cops while I’m trying to drive home with a car filled to my chin with spilled beer. Or urine. With Nine Inch Nails music playing in the background.
Des: Modre. How will the Bears do against the New York football Giants?
Modre: If real is what you can feel, smell, taste and see, then 'real' is simply electrical signals interpreted by your brain
SR: Arrh, matey! Let’s see how well your brain can interpret this taser!
Modre: Je ne comprende pas!!!
SR: That’s what I thought.
Des: Concord Peabody. What’s the Bears’ key to victory?
CWP: Des, the Bears are 14-7 lifetime against teams quarterbacked by the Manning brothers—except for the Super-bowl. That was a heartbreaker.
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your creative output is like Frankenstein’s monster: horribly disfigured on the surface, but nestled inside is a poignant commentary on the follies of man. Also, both are vulnerable to fire.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a rivalry as ancient as that of Stalin versus Trotsky… and as equally one-sided.
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