BEARS VS. DOLPHINS: 11-18-10
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football post-game show. The Bears delivered a brutal shellacking to the now floundering 5-5 Miami Dolphins. Were the Bears’ swarming defense and Matt Forte’s competent ball carrying the keys to victory? And will the Bears hide those keys inside a very obvious fake rock from the Philadelphia Eagles? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Rock, Paper, Scissors” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! As a pirate, ye might be expecting me to make some sort of reference about how dolphins resemble mermaids and how that misunderstanding led to a romantic tragedy not seen since Romeo and Juliet and Aquaman versus Wonder Woman. But you would be bitterly disappointed, for I come bearing a prophetic scroll sealed in kelp by Father Poseidon himself. What visions of tomorrow’s destiny are revealed within? (Unfurls scroll) What the… “The quarterback controversy between Michael Vick and Kevin Kolb will remain unresolved?!?” This tells me nothing! (Crumples scroll in disgust) ‘Twould be better served if I read a horoscope in the lamest land-lubbing small town newspaper assembled from the dankest factories in China !
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. Any observations from tailgate land?
DMD: I ended up in Soldier Field jail again when I thought that a woman was coming on to me, but it turned out she was staring lustfully at a McRib sandwich.
Des: Modre. What were the Bears’ keys to victory?
Modre: There’s a difference between knowing the path and following the path.
Des: What does that mean?
Modre: Jay Cutler knows what I’m talking about.
Des: Never mind. Concord Peabody . Any irrelevant stats you want to share?
CWP: If you plug in the number of times the Bears use the “shotgun formation”, the TV advertising revenue generated by each city, and amount of time it takes to leave the home stadium parking garage into a mathematical matrix, you get Concord Peabody Victory Factor of 9.875 for the Bears.
Des: Is the Victory Factor similar to the Quarterback Rating?
CWP: Well, the quarterback rating is calculated thusly: In order to establish a maximum value for an NFL player's passer rating, a separate calculation needs to be completed involving each of the following four categories: Completion Percentage, Average Yards Per Attempt, Percentage of Touchdown Passes, and Percentage of Interceptions. If the result in any category is less than 0, the given result should be 0. If the result in any category is greater than 2.375, the given result should be 2.375. This makes the maximum possible quarterback rating for the NFL 158.3. A perfect rating requires at least a 77.5% completion rate, at least 12.5 yards per attempt, a touchdown on at least 11.875% of attempts, and no interceptions.
CWP: …whereas the Concord Peabody Formula is more like Vick’s Formula 44D, a random number with no basis is reality.
Des: Why am I not surprised? Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your football blog posts are like those little hand weights... it looks like you're doing something meaningful, but unless you're willing to risk severe back injury by doing some heavy comedy lifting, your audience won't feel the burn.
Des: Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a rivalry as multi-faceted as Brittany Spears versus Madonna... and as predictable.
Showing posts with label Matrix. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Matrix. Show all posts
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Bears vs. Vikings: 11-14-10
BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 11-14-10
Des: Welcome to the second edition of the Chicago Bears football post-game show. The Bears drove Brett Favre several steps closer to retirement and nudged the Vikings closer to post-season elimination. Were the sudden re-emergence of Devin Hester and a rejuvenated defense the keys to victory? And will the Bears use these keys to further scratch the paint off the lackluster Miami Dolphins? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Homo Mermanus” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Brett Favre is beginning to take on the ancient countenance of Father Neptune himself. But that be not enough to save him versus the Green Bay Packers!
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. Any observations from tailgate land?
DMD: Unfortunately, Des. I passed out after the first kickoff and somehow found myself inside that gyrating giant egg driving simulator you see in those Lexus commercials. That did not help my booze-induced bed spins.
Des: Modre. What were the Bears’ keys to victory?
Modre: I imagine that right now, you're feeling a bit like Alice. Hmm? Tumbling down the rabbit hole?
Des: Are you referring to the Bears’ inconsistent performance this season, or some other, deeper truth?
Modre: I’m like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad.
Des: Never mind. Concord Peabody. Any irrelevant stats you want to share?
CWP: If you plug in the quarterback rating of Brett Favre, the rushing yardage of Jay Cutler, and the turnover ratio of the Bears into a mathematical matrix, you get the square root of infinity multiplied by love. You also get the Concord Peabody Victory Factor of 9.7 for the Bears.
Des: Is this Victory Factor a 9.7 out of some actual number, like 10?
CWP: Not really.
Des: Why am I not surprised? Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your football blog posts are like a tap dance of laughter on the grave of eternal sadness.
Des: Uh, sit back and watch on your Dick Tracy wristwatch TV screens… which is what we all should be using instead of your various I-things and Droids and what have you…how could Chester Gould be so wrong?!? Anyway, sit back and watch on that… thing as the Bears face off in a rivalry as ancient as that of Dick Tracy versus Flat-top… and, hopefully, just as violent.
Des: Welcome to the second edition of the Chicago Bears football post-game show. The Bears drove Brett Favre several steps closer to retirement and nudged the Vikings closer to post-season elimination. Were the sudden re-emergence of Devin Hester and a rejuvenated defense the keys to victory? And will the Bears use these keys to further scratch the paint off the lackluster Miami Dolphins? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Homo Mermanus” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Brett Favre is beginning to take on the ancient countenance of Father Neptune himself. But that be not enough to save him versus the Green Bay Packers!
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. Any observations from tailgate land?
DMD: Unfortunately, Des. I passed out after the first kickoff and somehow found myself inside that gyrating giant egg driving simulator you see in those Lexus commercials. That did not help my booze-induced bed spins.
Des: Modre. What were the Bears’ keys to victory?
Modre: I imagine that right now, you're feeling a bit like Alice. Hmm? Tumbling down the rabbit hole?
Des: Are you referring to the Bears’ inconsistent performance this season, or some other, deeper truth?
Modre: I’m like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad.
Des: Never mind. Concord Peabody. Any irrelevant stats you want to share?
CWP: If you plug in the quarterback rating of Brett Favre, the rushing yardage of Jay Cutler, and the turnover ratio of the Bears into a mathematical matrix, you get the square root of infinity multiplied by love. You also get the Concord Peabody Victory Factor of 9.7 for the Bears.
Des: Is this Victory Factor a 9.7 out of some actual number, like 10?
CWP: Not really.
Des: Why am I not surprised? Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your football blog posts are like a tap dance of laughter on the grave of eternal sadness.
Des: Uh, sit back and watch on your Dick Tracy wristwatch TV screens… which is what we all should be using instead of your various I-things and Droids and what have you…how could Chester Gould be so wrong?!? Anyway, sit back and watch on that… thing as the Bears face off in a rivalry as ancient as that of Dick Tracy versus Flat-top… and, hopefully, just as violent.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Bears vs. Bills: 11-7-10
BEARS VS. BILLS: 11-7-10
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears cross the border into Canada to play against the Buffalo Bills, the only winless team in the NFL. Will Jay Cutler be able to execute a system that requires him to throw to his own players instead of his opponents? Or will the Bears’ invasion of Canada be as successful as the American invasions of Canada during the Revolutionary War and the War of 1812? (Historical note: We were not greeted as liberators.) To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Sugar Cane” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Me rum-induced hangover is pounding as mercilessly as the Chicago’s sports media is beating Jay Cutler over the head and shoulders for his quarterbacking incompetence. But ‘tis not fully deserved! After all, the offensive line be as wafer thin as the hull of the Titanic proved versus the iceberg.
Des: That’s very kind of you, Captain.
SR: Ah, but my words don’t match my deeds, Des. Jay Cutler will awaken to find himself at the business end of me steely blade come Monday morning if his arm cannon is no more accurate than my ship’s cannons, which have proven more deadly to my men than any foe.
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. What’s your prediction for today’s game?
DMD: Yet another trip to Bears jail for me when I use my Lexus Is as the drummer for my tailgate band, the Decatur Staleys and run over 60 fans in the parking lot during the drum solo. Well, it’s not really my Lexus, it’s actually Jay Cutler’s, which I’m holding hostage until he gets more touchdowns than interceptions. I didn’t promise I would return it in mint condition, though.
Des: I’m hearing a lot of Jay Cutler bashing today. Modre. How will the Bears do against the Buffalo Bills?
Modre: Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet. You're a plague and we are the cure.
Des: If you are the Cure, then why aren’t you wearing eye liner and poufy hair?
Modre: What?
Des: Never mind. Concord Peabody. Any irrelevant stats you want to share?
CWP: 54-40 or fight!
Des: Why not? Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. If I made a drinking game out of the number of times a simile or metaphor was used inappropriately in today’s episode, I’d be as drunk as Lindsay Lohan at a court date. Hey, now I’m part of the simile shenanigans! That was as fun as counting off how many times a football announcer tells us that a quarterback needs to “stay inside himself”, like, what, he’s going to leave his body and possess the soul of his receiver? Although if Jay Cutler tried to astral project himself, he’d probably miss Johnny Knox only to find himself inside of a Gatorade bottle.
Des: Uh, sit back and watch with your Smell-o-vision as the Bears face off in a rivalry as ancient as that of… I’m just going to end transmission here.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears cross the border into Canada to play against the Buffalo Bills, the only winless team in the NFL. Will Jay Cutler be able to execute a system that requires him to throw to his own players instead of his opponents? Or will the Bears’ invasion of Canada be as successful as the American invasions of Canada during the Revolutionary War and the War of 1812? (Historical note: We were not greeted as liberators.) To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Sugar Cane” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Me rum-induced hangover is pounding as mercilessly as the Chicago’s sports media is beating Jay Cutler over the head and shoulders for his quarterbacking incompetence. But ‘tis not fully deserved! After all, the offensive line be as wafer thin as the hull of the Titanic proved versus the iceberg.
Des: That’s very kind of you, Captain.
SR: Ah, but my words don’t match my deeds, Des. Jay Cutler will awaken to find himself at the business end of me steely blade come Monday morning if his arm cannon is no more accurate than my ship’s cannons, which have proven more deadly to my men than any foe.
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. What’s your prediction for today’s game?
DMD: Yet another trip to Bears jail for me when I use my Lexus Is as the drummer for my tailgate band, the Decatur Staleys and run over 60 fans in the parking lot during the drum solo. Well, it’s not really my Lexus, it’s actually Jay Cutler’s, which I’m holding hostage until he gets more touchdowns than interceptions. I didn’t promise I would return it in mint condition, though.
Des: I’m hearing a lot of Jay Cutler bashing today. Modre. How will the Bears do against the Buffalo Bills?
Modre: Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet. You're a plague and we are the cure.
Des: If you are the Cure, then why aren’t you wearing eye liner and poufy hair?
Modre: What?
Des: Never mind. Concord Peabody. Any irrelevant stats you want to share?
CWP: 54-40 or fight!
Des: Why not? Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. If I made a drinking game out of the number of times a simile or metaphor was used inappropriately in today’s episode, I’d be as drunk as Lindsay Lohan at a court date. Hey, now I’m part of the simile shenanigans! That was as fun as counting off how many times a football announcer tells us that a quarterback needs to “stay inside himself”, like, what, he’s going to leave his body and possess the soul of his receiver? Although if Jay Cutler tried to astral project himself, he’d probably miss Johnny Knox only to find himself inside of a Gatorade bottle.
Des: Uh, sit back and watch with your Smell-o-vision as the Bears face off in a rivalry as ancient as that of… I’m just going to end transmission here.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Bears vs. Redskins: 10-24-10
BEARS VS. REDSKINS: 10-24-10
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The NFL’s worst defense travels to battle one of the league’s worst offenses. Will Jay Cutler be able to absorb and somehow execute the complex intricacies of Mike Martz’ offensive schemes? Or should the Bears just accept their fate, like the Democrats seem prepared to do come November? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Morpheus” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! The Bears will emerge victorious this fine Sunday afternoon due to my thousand-year curse I’ve placed upon the Redskins until they get rid of their horribly, horribly racist name.
Des: Wow, that’s unusually sensitive of you, Captain.
SR: Well, Des, I did a lot of really, really bad things in the 1600s. I’m hoping this will completely atone for those actions.
Des: Speaking of atoning for past mistakes, Captain, last week, you were wrong again by choosing the 49ers to go winless this season. What’s happ’nin, Cap’n?
SR: Arrh, Des, that be your most awkward transition ever! I refuse to dignify that with a response, except to say ARRRRHHHHHHH!!!!!!…. mateys!
Des: Isn’t that always your standard response, Captain? ARRRHHH? Drunky McDumb-Ass. What’s your prediction for today’s game?
DMD: Yet another trip to the hospital for me and my friends when I convert my 1985 Ford LTD into a rolling snack bar for my fellow tailgaters but forget to fully convert my gas tank into a keg of beer.
Des: Modre. How will the Bears do against the Redskins?
Modre: Do not try and bend the spoon. That's impossible. Instead... only try to realize the truth.
Des: What truth?
Modre: There is no spoon.
Des: What’s this, then? (Holds up a spoon).
Modre: That is a Spork.
Des: Concord Peabody. Any irrelevant stats you want to share?
CWP: Des, the Bears are 57-43 lifetime when they use go with the run and 3-1 when they use the pass.
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your football posts are like a broken digital wristwatch… not very informative, but it leaves a nice tan line on the surface of your mind!
Des: Uh, sit back and watch with your 3DBB as the Bears face off in a rivalry as ancient as that of Tennessee Tuxedo versus Stanley Livingston in a stadium as well-designed and escape-proof as Megapolis Zoo.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The NFL’s worst defense travels to battle one of the league’s worst offenses. Will Jay Cutler be able to absorb and somehow execute the complex intricacies of Mike Martz’ offensive schemes? Or should the Bears just accept their fate, like the Democrats seem prepared to do come November? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Morpheus” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! The Bears will emerge victorious this fine Sunday afternoon due to my thousand-year curse I’ve placed upon the Redskins until they get rid of their horribly, horribly racist name.
Des: Wow, that’s unusually sensitive of you, Captain.
SR: Well, Des, I did a lot of really, really bad things in the 1600s. I’m hoping this will completely atone for those actions.
Des: Speaking of atoning for past mistakes, Captain, last week, you were wrong again by choosing the 49ers to go winless this season. What’s happ’nin, Cap’n?
SR: Arrh, Des, that be your most awkward transition ever! I refuse to dignify that with a response, except to say ARRRRHHHHHHH!!!!!!…. mateys!
Des: Isn’t that always your standard response, Captain? ARRRHHH? Drunky McDumb-Ass. What’s your prediction for today’s game?
DMD: Yet another trip to the hospital for me and my friends when I convert my 1985 Ford LTD into a rolling snack bar for my fellow tailgaters but forget to fully convert my gas tank into a keg of beer.
Des: Modre. How will the Bears do against the Redskins?
Modre: Do not try and bend the spoon. That's impossible. Instead... only try to realize the truth.
Des: What truth?
Modre: There is no spoon.
Des: What’s this, then? (Holds up a spoon).
Modre: That is a Spork.
Des: Concord Peabody. Any irrelevant stats you want to share?
CWP: Des, the Bears are 57-43 lifetime when they use go with the run and 3-1 when they use the pass.
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your football posts are like a broken digital wristwatch… not very informative, but it leaves a nice tan line on the surface of your mind!
Des: Uh, sit back and watch with your 3DBB as the Bears face off in a rivalry as ancient as that of Tennessee Tuxedo versus Stanley Livingston in a stadium as well-designed and escape-proof as Megapolis Zoo.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Bears vs. Seahawks: 10-17-10
BEARS VS. SEAHAWKS: 10-17-10
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Seattle Seahawks after defeating the Carolina Panthers despite a weak performance by backup quarterback Todd Collins. Will Jay Cutler return to reignite the Bears’ sputtering offense? Or should the Bears drop the pretense of having a quarterback and just hand it off to Matt Forte every play? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Speaker-Boxx” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! The Buffalo Bills, Carolina Panthers, and San Francisco 49ers are 0-5 teams, which be truly embarrassing since I picked the Bills and 49ers to go to the playoffs. Just you try to collect me gambling debts, Las Vegas bookies! I think you’ll find my imaginary pirate fleet to be more than a match for your pirate-themed hotels. So… which team be truly accursed to go 0-16? I choose the San Francisco 49ers! But, please, please, do not dismiss your flamboyant skipper Mike Singletary. His psychotic rages are far more entertaining than anything else the NFL has to offer and will be the source of many, many Coors Light commercials.
Des: Uh, thank you, Captain. That’s actually one of your less disturbing tirades. Drunky McDumb-Ass. What do you foresee happening on Football Sunday?
DMD: Des, I foresee my “Fan-bulance” being converted back to an ambulance by the end of first quarter.
Des: Modre. How will the Bears do against the Seattle Seahawks if Jay Cutler is unavailable?
Modre: The body cannot live without the mind. Unless you’re the Bears, in which case the body cannot live without the fleet feet of Matt Forte.
Des: Wow… Modre, that comment was actually somewhat related to football.
Modre: I hang my head in shame.
Des: Concord Peabody. Any irrelevant stats you want to share?
CWP: Des, the Bears are 57-43 lifetime when their quarterback has a single digit quarterback rating and 3-1 when they have a rating over 100.
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your football posts are like paintings of Elvis on black velvet: best appreciated ironically.
Des: Uh, sit back and watch with your fake “3D” TV as the Bears face off in a rivalry as ancient as that of Sparta versus… whoever they fought, and as equally loud, with a lot of unnecessary shouting.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Seattle Seahawks after defeating the Carolina Panthers despite a weak performance by backup quarterback Todd Collins. Will Jay Cutler return to reignite the Bears’ sputtering offense? Or should the Bears drop the pretense of having a quarterback and just hand it off to Matt Forte every play? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Speaker-Boxx” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! The Buffalo Bills, Carolina Panthers, and San Francisco 49ers are 0-5 teams, which be truly embarrassing since I picked the Bills and 49ers to go to the playoffs. Just you try to collect me gambling debts, Las Vegas bookies! I think you’ll find my imaginary pirate fleet to be more than a match for your pirate-themed hotels. So… which team be truly accursed to go 0-16? I choose the San Francisco 49ers! But, please, please, do not dismiss your flamboyant skipper Mike Singletary. His psychotic rages are far more entertaining than anything else the NFL has to offer and will be the source of many, many Coors Light commercials.
Des: Uh, thank you, Captain. That’s actually one of your less disturbing tirades. Drunky McDumb-Ass. What do you foresee happening on Football Sunday?
DMD: Des, I foresee my “Fan-bulance” being converted back to an ambulance by the end of first quarter.
Des: Modre. How will the Bears do against the Seattle Seahawks if Jay Cutler is unavailable?
Modre: The body cannot live without the mind. Unless you’re the Bears, in which case the body cannot live without the fleet feet of Matt Forte.
Des: Wow… Modre, that comment was actually somewhat related to football.
Modre: I hang my head in shame.
Des: Concord Peabody. Any irrelevant stats you want to share?
CWP: Des, the Bears are 57-43 lifetime when their quarterback has a single digit quarterback rating and 3-1 when they have a rating over 100.
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your football posts are like paintings of Elvis on black velvet: best appreciated ironically.
Des: Uh, sit back and watch with your fake “3D” TV as the Bears face off in a rivalry as ancient as that of Sparta versus… whoever they fought, and as equally loud, with a lot of unnecessary shouting.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Bears vs. Panthers: 10-10-10
BEARS VS. PANTHERS: 10-10-10
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Carolina Panthers after Jay Cutler suffered nine first half sacks against the New York Giants. Will the Bears strengthen their offensive line to protect backup QB Todd Collins? Or should the Bears have ten quarterbacks waiting in the wings? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Stone Cold” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Here be my prediction for this Sunday: the price of gold will skyrocket after me crew and I shanghai the gold shipment used to pay Titans’ coach Chuck Cecil’s fine for giving the finger to an official. If I had to pay a fine every time I proudly displayed me middle hook to a deserving land-lubber, I’d be sailing the seven seas wearing naught but a barrel.
Des: Uh, thank you, Captain, for that disturbing image.
SR: By the way, Des, my report was brought to you by Captain Redbeard’s Gold Warehouse. Do you have any unwanted gold that’s cluttering up your house, car, or teeth? Then send it in to Captain Redbeard’s Gold Warehouse. In exchange for your precious, precious gold, you’ll receive a complementary pass to board one of me haunted Halloween vessels where the horrors are genuine and the stories you’ll have to pass on to your children or therapist will last a lifetime.
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. What do you foresee happening on Football Sunday?
DMD: Des, I foresee myself getting into a pleasurably wacky misunderstanding between myself and my wife/significant other in which she thinks I’m talking about buying her jewelry and I think she’s talking about buying me smooth drinking Coors Light.
Des: Modre. How will the Bears do against the Carolina Panthers?
Modre: When you're inside the helmet, you look around, what do you see? Businessmen, teachers, lawyers, carpenters. The very minds of the people we are trying to save. But until we do, these people are still a part of that system and that makes them our enemy.
Des: So… your strategy for defeating the Panthers is to get inside their heads?
Modre: No, my strategy is to keep quoting from The Matrix and hope nobody notices. Except for the part about being inside the “helmet”. That was an ad lib. But do my borrowed “insights” make any less sense than more traditional broadcasters Terry Bradshaw or Jimmy Johnson.?
Des: Unfortunately, no. Concord Peabody. Any irrelevant stats you want to share?
CWP: Des, the Bears are 57-43 lifetime when they play with their second string quarterback, and 9-7 when they use their first stringer.
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your football posts are like a Valentine box of chocolates: a seemingly thoughtful gesture that is ultimately unconsumed and thrown away.
Des: Ouch! Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a rivalry as recent as that of Palin versus Olbermann… and as equally pointless.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Carolina Panthers after Jay Cutler suffered nine first half sacks against the New York Giants. Will the Bears strengthen their offensive line to protect backup QB Todd Collins? Or should the Bears have ten quarterbacks waiting in the wings? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Stone Cold” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Here be my prediction for this Sunday: the price of gold will skyrocket after me crew and I shanghai the gold shipment used to pay Titans’ coach Chuck Cecil’s fine for giving the finger to an official. If I had to pay a fine every time I proudly displayed me middle hook to a deserving land-lubber, I’d be sailing the seven seas wearing naught but a barrel.
Des: Uh, thank you, Captain, for that disturbing image.
SR: By the way, Des, my report was brought to you by Captain Redbeard’s Gold Warehouse. Do you have any unwanted gold that’s cluttering up your house, car, or teeth? Then send it in to Captain Redbeard’s Gold Warehouse. In exchange for your precious, precious gold, you’ll receive a complementary pass to board one of me haunted Halloween vessels where the horrors are genuine and the stories you’ll have to pass on to your children or therapist will last a lifetime.
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. What do you foresee happening on Football Sunday?
DMD: Des, I foresee myself getting into a pleasurably wacky misunderstanding between myself and my wife/significant other in which she thinks I’m talking about buying her jewelry and I think she’s talking about buying me smooth drinking Coors Light.
Des: Modre. How will the Bears do against the Carolina Panthers?
Modre: When you're inside the helmet, you look around, what do you see? Businessmen, teachers, lawyers, carpenters. The very minds of the people we are trying to save. But until we do, these people are still a part of that system and that makes them our enemy.
Des: So… your strategy for defeating the Panthers is to get inside their heads?
Modre: No, my strategy is to keep quoting from The Matrix and hope nobody notices. Except for the part about being inside the “helmet”. That was an ad lib. But do my borrowed “insights” make any less sense than more traditional broadcasters Terry Bradshaw or Jimmy Johnson.?
Des: Unfortunately, no. Concord Peabody. Any irrelevant stats you want to share?
CWP: Des, the Bears are 57-43 lifetime when they play with their second string quarterback, and 9-7 when they use their first stringer.
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your football posts are like a Valentine box of chocolates: a seemingly thoughtful gesture that is ultimately unconsumed and thrown away.
Des: Ouch! Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a rivalry as recent as that of Palin versus Olbermann… and as equally pointless.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Bears vs. Giants: 10-3-10
BEARS VS. GIANTS: 10-3-10
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the New York Giants, a surprisingly vulnerable team in this battle between two very large television markets. Will the Giants repair their problems with turnovers, defense, and quarterbacking? Or will the Bears continue their unexpected dominance of the National Football League? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Mecha-Godzilla” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Whilst I could yield to your laborious land-lubbing demands, Des, and unveil me predictions for this week’s game, I prefer to dissect what happened last week much as I might examine the entrails of an albatross to fix the blame on one of my minions for another disastrous voyage. “Oh, don’t worry, Captain Redbeard. You won’t really fall off the edge of the earth into the mouths of numerous sea dragons. That’s just a myth spread by land-lubbers.” Five splintered vessels later….
Des: Uh, thank you, Captain. Drunky McDumb-Ass. What do you foresee happening Sunday Night?
DMD: Des, I foresee myself getting pulled over by the cops while I’m trying to drive home with a car filled to my chin with spilled beer. Or urine. With Nine Inch Nails music playing in the background.
Des: Modre. How will the Bears do against the New York football Giants?
Modre: If real is what you can feel, smell, taste and see, then 'real' is simply electrical signals interpreted by your brain
SR: Arrh, matey! Let’s see how well your brain can interpret this taser!
Modre: Je ne comprende pas!!!
SR: That’s what I thought.
Des: Concord Peabody. What’s the Bears’ key to victory?
CWP: Des, the Bears are 14-7 lifetime against teams quarterbacked by the Manning brothers—except for the Super-bowl. That was a heartbreaker.
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your creative output is like Frankenstein’s monster: horribly disfigured on the surface, but nestled inside is a poignant commentary on the follies of man. Also, both are vulnerable to fire.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a rivalry as ancient as that of Stalin versus Trotsky… and as equally one-sided.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the New York Giants, a surprisingly vulnerable team in this battle between two very large television markets. Will the Giants repair their problems with turnovers, defense, and quarterbacking? Or will the Bears continue their unexpected dominance of the National Football League? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Mecha-Godzilla” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Whilst I could yield to your laborious land-lubbing demands, Des, and unveil me predictions for this week’s game, I prefer to dissect what happened last week much as I might examine the entrails of an albatross to fix the blame on one of my minions for another disastrous voyage. “Oh, don’t worry, Captain Redbeard. You won’t really fall off the edge of the earth into the mouths of numerous sea dragons. That’s just a myth spread by land-lubbers.” Five splintered vessels later….
Des: Uh, thank you, Captain. Drunky McDumb-Ass. What do you foresee happening Sunday Night?
DMD: Des, I foresee myself getting pulled over by the cops while I’m trying to drive home with a car filled to my chin with spilled beer. Or urine. With Nine Inch Nails music playing in the background.
Des: Modre. How will the Bears do against the New York football Giants?
Modre: If real is what you can feel, smell, taste and see, then 'real' is simply electrical signals interpreted by your brain
SR: Arrh, matey! Let’s see how well your brain can interpret this taser!
Modre: Je ne comprende pas!!!
SR: That’s what I thought.
Des: Concord Peabody. What’s the Bears’ key to victory?
CWP: Des, the Bears are 14-7 lifetime against teams quarterbacked by the Manning brothers—except for the Super-bowl. That was a heartbreaker.
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your creative output is like Frankenstein’s monster: horribly disfigured on the surface, but nestled inside is a poignant commentary on the follies of man. Also, both are vulnerable to fire.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a rivalry as ancient as that of Stalin versus Trotsky… and as equally one-sided.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Bears vs. Packers: 9-27-10
BEARS VS. PACKERS: 9-27-10
Des: Welcome to the first edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers in a game that will determine mastery of the NFC North. Will Clay Matthews continue to lead the league in sacks after this Monday Night Midwestern Matchup against the Monsters of the Midway? Or will the Bears’ offensive line prove to be as impenetrable as the logic expressed in a typical sports talk radio show? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Over the Side without a Splash” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Whilst I would thoroughly “enjoy” answering your long-winded question whose sentence structure be more twisted than the treasure map of Davey Jones himself, I have me own convoluted agenda to pursue. And that be: Redbeard’s Treasure Map to the Super-Bowl! After ingesting the lead-based paint on me decrepit vessel and gazing into the angry storm clouds I failed to avoid, these be my picks: In the AFC, I pick the Jets, Ravens, Texans, and Broncos to win their divisions. The NFC will see the Eagles, Bears, Falcons, and 49ers. And for the wild cards, I select the Bills and Browns in the AFC and the Lions and Rams in the NFC. Why the hell not?
Des: Because all four teams suck?
SR: Aye. That they do. But I think they are successfully rebuilding… which you don’t want to be doing right after your ship has just hit an iceberg. Anyway, I foresee the Jets defeating the Eagles in the Superbowl.
Des: Uh, thanks, Captain. Barely coherent commentary, as always. Drunky McDumb-Ass. What do you foresee happening Monday Night?
DMD: Des, I foresee myself getting fired Tuesday morning when I show up for work Tuesday afternoon.
Des: Modre. How will the Bears do against Green Bay?
Modre: Perhaps we are asking the wrong questions.
Des: Yeeeeaaah…. Concord Peabody. What’s the Bears’ key to victory?
CWP: Des, the Bears are 72-43 lifetime against teams whose fans wear crappy tri-cornered hats, whether it’s the Packers or the Patriots.
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your metaphors are more mixed up than a cat in a blender.
Des: Sit back and watch with your poorly self-installed satellite dish as the Bears face off in a rivalry as ancient as that of Coke versus Pepsi… and as equally pointless.
Des: Welcome to the first edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers in a game that will determine mastery of the NFC North. Will Clay Matthews continue to lead the league in sacks after this Monday Night Midwestern Matchup against the Monsters of the Midway? Or will the Bears’ offensive line prove to be as impenetrable as the logic expressed in a typical sports talk radio show? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Over the Side without a Splash” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Whilst I would thoroughly “enjoy” answering your long-winded question whose sentence structure be more twisted than the treasure map of Davey Jones himself, I have me own convoluted agenda to pursue. And that be: Redbeard’s Treasure Map to the Super-Bowl! After ingesting the lead-based paint on me decrepit vessel and gazing into the angry storm clouds I failed to avoid, these be my picks: In the AFC, I pick the Jets, Ravens, Texans, and Broncos to win their divisions. The NFC will see the Eagles, Bears, Falcons, and 49ers. And for the wild cards, I select the Bills and Browns in the AFC and the Lions and Rams in the NFC. Why the hell not?
Des: Because all four teams suck?
SR: Aye. That they do. But I think they are successfully rebuilding… which you don’t want to be doing right after your ship has just hit an iceberg. Anyway, I foresee the Jets defeating the Eagles in the Superbowl.
Des: Uh, thanks, Captain. Barely coherent commentary, as always. Drunky McDumb-Ass. What do you foresee happening Monday Night?
DMD: Des, I foresee myself getting fired Tuesday morning when I show up for work Tuesday afternoon.
Des: Modre. How will the Bears do against Green Bay?
Modre: Perhaps we are asking the wrong questions.
Des: Yeeeeaaah…. Concord Peabody. What’s the Bears’ key to victory?
CWP: Des, the Bears are 72-43 lifetime against teams whose fans wear crappy tri-cornered hats, whether it’s the Packers or the Patriots.
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your metaphors are more mixed up than a cat in a blender.
Des: Sit back and watch with your poorly self-installed satellite dish as the Bears face off in a rivalry as ancient as that of Coke versus Pepsi… and as equally pointless.
Bears vs. Cowboys: 9-19-10
BEARS VS. COWBOYS: 9-19-10
Des: Welcome to the first edition of the Chicago Bears football post-game show. The Bears upset the Dallas Cowboys, a team many experts picked to go to the Super-bowl this year. And by “experts”, I mean one drunk guy in a stench-ridden dive. What were the Bears’ “Keys to Victory”, brought to you by General Motors? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Chick Repellant” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! I’ll tell ye what General Motors’ Key to Victory is: massive government bailouts. (Long pause) What? That joke slayed many a land-lubber on the Glenn Beck Show yesterday.
Des: Thanks, Captain. Timely commentary, as always. Drunky McDumb-Ass. What did you see on last Sunday’s game?
DMD: Des, sorry to say, I was passed out drunk after eating sixteen Jello shots off of my massive, massive tummy. Uh, I mean stomach! Gut! Flesh kegger!
Des: Modre. How will the Bears do against Green Bay?
Modre: The answer is out there, Des, and it's looking for you, and it will find you if you want it to.
Des: O…Kay. Concord Peabody. What was the Bears’ key to victory?
CWP: Des, the Bears are 7-4 lifetime against teams who play in a stadium that costs more than the Gross Domestic Product of five former Soviet republics. Or five states in the American South. Go Bears!
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Outdated political references + reworked Simpsons quotes + Matrix references = Pure comedic genius
Des: We hope you enjoyed the first ever Bears Redbeard Post-Game Show and please join us for this season’s first Bears Redbeard Pre-Game Show where we’ll light a cheese-head hat on fire to keep ourselves warm inside frozen Curly Lambeau Field.
Des: Welcome to the first edition of the Chicago Bears football post-game show. The Bears upset the Dallas Cowboys, a team many experts picked to go to the Super-bowl this year. And by “experts”, I mean one drunk guy in a stench-ridden dive. What were the Bears’ “Keys to Victory”, brought to you by General Motors? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Chick Repellant” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! I’ll tell ye what General Motors’ Key to Victory is: massive government bailouts. (Long pause) What? That joke slayed many a land-lubber on the Glenn Beck Show yesterday.
Des: Thanks, Captain. Timely commentary, as always. Drunky McDumb-Ass. What did you see on last Sunday’s game?
DMD: Des, sorry to say, I was passed out drunk after eating sixteen Jello shots off of my massive, massive tummy. Uh, I mean stomach! Gut! Flesh kegger!
Des: Modre. How will the Bears do against Green Bay?
Modre: The answer is out there, Des, and it's looking for you, and it will find you if you want it to.
Des: O…Kay. Concord Peabody. What was the Bears’ key to victory?
CWP: Des, the Bears are 7-4 lifetime against teams who play in a stadium that costs more than the Gross Domestic Product of five former Soviet republics. Or five states in the American South. Go Bears!
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Outdated political references + reworked Simpsons quotes + Matrix references = Pure comedic genius
Des: We hope you enjoyed the first ever Bears Redbeard Post-Game Show and please join us for this season’s first Bears Redbeard Pre-Game Show where we’ll light a cheese-head hat on fire to keep ourselves warm inside frozen Curly Lambeau Field.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)