BEARS VS CARDINALS: 12-23-2012
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against their arch-nemesis the Arizona Cardinals after eliminating themselves from the playoffs last week. Will the Bears manage to win their last two games against mediocre teams? And will this be enough to save Coach Lovie Smith’s job? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “The Silence” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and puff-piece maestro, Sally McChesty.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Once again, the Bears suffer yet enough late season decline and collapse. I’ve not seen this sort of slow degradation since the Roman, Byzantine, Ottoman, Austro-Hungarian, British, Soviet, and possibly… American… empires. What must the Bears do? If history must be misapplied again to an irrelevant context, I would say, in chronological order, avoid used lead plumbing, build better defenses against the Turks and the Crusaders, don’t rely on a army of slaves, avoid the perils of nationalism if you have a multi-ethnic empire that’s in the way of two other empires, don’t over-extend a sea-based empire and try to avoid being bankrupted by two world wars, don’t enact sweeping reforms without developing a broad base of support, and don’t over-borrow from the Chinese. Although, in truth, the Bears just need a better offensive line.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s game?
CWP: Des, the Bears are 75-42 against teams in cities where the average age of its residents is a hundred and nineteen, nineteen, na na na na, nineteen, nineteen.
Des: All those who remember that reference, they won’t forget what they’ve seen. Destruction of comedy in its prime…
SR: None of us will receive a hero’s welcome, either. And rightfully so. Season’s beatings, ye wretched land-lubbers!
Showing posts with label USSR. Show all posts
Showing posts with label USSR. Show all posts
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Bears vs. Cowboys: 9-19-10
BEARS VS. COWBOYS: 9-19-10
Des: Welcome to the first edition of the Chicago Bears football post-game show. The Bears upset the Dallas Cowboys, a team many experts picked to go to the Super-bowl this year. And by “experts”, I mean one drunk guy in a stench-ridden dive. What were the Bears’ “Keys to Victory”, brought to you by General Motors? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Chick Repellant” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! I’ll tell ye what General Motors’ Key to Victory is: massive government bailouts. (Long pause) What? That joke slayed many a land-lubber on the Glenn Beck Show yesterday.
Des: Thanks, Captain. Timely commentary, as always. Drunky McDumb-Ass. What did you see on last Sunday’s game?
DMD: Des, sorry to say, I was passed out drunk after eating sixteen Jello shots off of my massive, massive tummy. Uh, I mean stomach! Gut! Flesh kegger!
Des: Modre. How will the Bears do against Green Bay?
Modre: The answer is out there, Des, and it's looking for you, and it will find you if you want it to.
Des: O…Kay. Concord Peabody. What was the Bears’ key to victory?
CWP: Des, the Bears are 7-4 lifetime against teams who play in a stadium that costs more than the Gross Domestic Product of five former Soviet republics. Or five states in the American South. Go Bears!
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Outdated political references + reworked Simpsons quotes + Matrix references = Pure comedic genius
Des: We hope you enjoyed the first ever Bears Redbeard Post-Game Show and please join us for this season’s first Bears Redbeard Pre-Game Show where we’ll light a cheese-head hat on fire to keep ourselves warm inside frozen Curly Lambeau Field.
Des: Welcome to the first edition of the Chicago Bears football post-game show. The Bears upset the Dallas Cowboys, a team many experts picked to go to the Super-bowl this year. And by “experts”, I mean one drunk guy in a stench-ridden dive. What were the Bears’ “Keys to Victory”, brought to you by General Motors? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Chick Repellant” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! I’ll tell ye what General Motors’ Key to Victory is: massive government bailouts. (Long pause) What? That joke slayed many a land-lubber on the Glenn Beck Show yesterday.
Des: Thanks, Captain. Timely commentary, as always. Drunky McDumb-Ass. What did you see on last Sunday’s game?
DMD: Des, sorry to say, I was passed out drunk after eating sixteen Jello shots off of my massive, massive tummy. Uh, I mean stomach! Gut! Flesh kegger!
Des: Modre. How will the Bears do against Green Bay?
Modre: The answer is out there, Des, and it's looking for you, and it will find you if you want it to.
Des: O…Kay. Concord Peabody. What was the Bears’ key to victory?
CWP: Des, the Bears are 7-4 lifetime against teams who play in a stadium that costs more than the Gross Domestic Product of five former Soviet republics. Or five states in the American South. Go Bears!
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Outdated political references + reworked Simpsons quotes + Matrix references = Pure comedic genius
Des: We hope you enjoyed the first ever Bears Redbeard Post-Game Show and please join us for this season’s first Bears Redbeard Pre-Game Show where we’ll light a cheese-head hat on fire to keep ourselves warm inside frozen Curly Lambeau Field.
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