BEARS VS. PACKERS: 12-25-2011
Des: Welcome to a very special Christmas edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. In the spirit of peace and love, the Bears face off in a match against their hated arch-rivals the Green Bay Packers that no doubt will result in at least one injury. Will Neckbeard's stunning victory over the Packers last week show the Bears' newest nameless quarterback the way? Or will tonight's game produce a Christmas anti-miracle, like the kind you often see on the very special Christmas Doctor Who?
Des: To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles "Scrooge-a-pa-loser" Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Amazonian crime fighter Wonder Woman
Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRRHHHHHHH, mateys! Well, Des, the Bears thus far have fallen to God's chosen quarterback Tim Tebow (which logically makes Kyle Orton a God-forsaken quarterback-- but his magical Lucifer powers should kick in any minute now) and also the Seahawks. What must they do to achieve victory this dark and lonely Christmas night? It be too late for them to beseech Santa Claus for a clone of Aaron Rogers but perhaps they could fashion a snowman and place the helmet of Sid Luckman upon his brow. Be there an NFL penalty for illegal removal of a magic helmet? Come to think of it, Aaron Rogers' wooden personality suggests that he may be a treant animated by dark sorcery.
Des: Thank you, Captain. Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
Concord: Well, Des, every single player on the Bears is either injured or stricken with leprosy, while the Packers were hatched from some dystopian super-soldier football murder factory. That said, the Bears will still win 96-10.
Des: Okay, Concord... I assume you and the Captain are both suffering from some sort of Christmas related trauma. What about you, Modre? Have you come to terms with Christmas yet?
Concord: It is best not to understand Christmas, just accept it... while undermining it from within!
Des: Well, Prissy Minion, should you also be undergoing some sort of holiday therapy?
Prissy: Des, every day with you is a holiday.
Des: Yeesh. Uh, Wonder Woman, what's your closing thought?
WW: Oh, sorry, Des, I was too busy single-handedly saving Christmas from a whole host of super-villains to worry about your piddly little football blog. Uh, go Falcons.
Des: Actually, Wonder Woman, the Bears need to win the next two games and have the Falcons lose two games to even have a prayer of entering the playoffs.
WW: Yeah, whatever. Listen, Des, could you be a dear and order me up some Invisi-metal? The Snow and Heat Misers did a number on my aircraft.
Des: Uh, sure. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match that may hold your attention until the Christmas Doctor Who episode comes on at 9 eastern, 8 central.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Saturday, December 17, 2011
More sad news
On December 5, 2011, my grandfather, Louis E. Desmond, passed away suddenly and unexpectedly from a heart attack. He taught me a great deal about family, politics, humor, sports, music, and a compulsion for knowledge.
My grandfather was very loyal to his family, especially my grandmother. He spent a lot of time and love taking care of her in the past decade as it became increasingly difficult for her to take care of herself. He always made time to spend with his grandchildren, especially when my cousins, my sister, and I would construct very elaborate imaginary scenarios in which we would invite him to participate and/or witness. These ranged from weddings to newscasts to talent shows to super-hero battles to criminal trials and lawsuits. In one particularly memorable criminal trial, in which he was the judge, and I was a 9 year old defendant newly convicted of robbery, I tried to bribe him to change the verdict for a dollar, but he had to explain to me why that was wrong and/or illegal. He was pretty much the reason why I didn't become the next Rod Blagojevich.
Speaking of politics, my grandfather had a great deal of influence over my political beliefs-- not so much my actual political orientation, which, in some ways, is the opposite of my grandfather's-- but the idea that it's important to understand politics, and to not just have opinions, but to have opinions that are well thought out and based on a knowledge of history. He and my dad also both taught me that it's important to respect and understand multiple sides of an issue and to not have a simplistic ideology regardless of your political perspective, which is an idea that's in very short supply in a world where politics is just another form of poorly done entertainment.
The desire to be knowledgeable about things is another value that my grandfather helped instill. Although my grandmother's books formed the bulk of the 820 Wonderview library, Grandpa boasted a comprehensive collection himself. One summer I tore through a book of his called The Story of the Irish Race, by Seumas Macmanus. It taught me a lot about Irish history and my Irish heritage. I have my own copy of it now, as a gift from Steve Schiller.
I also learned a lot about sports from my grandfather-- not so much about actually playing sports, which my lack of strength and endurance discouraged me from doing, but about watching sports, especially the Cubs, which were his favorite team, and against whom I may have a lifetime resentment for failing to win a World Series for the entire 89 years he was alive. But watching games with him on TV, I learned a great deal about sports analysis, of players, and also of the knowledge (or lack thereof) of the broadcasters. Like all right-thinking Americans, he watched Harry Caray with a mixture of bemusement and frustration at his alcohol-fueled broadcasts. My parents and grand-parents also time-shared season's tickets at Wrigley Field, and I have a lot of good memories of watching Cubs games with my parents, grand-parents, and friend-of-the-blog (plus friend in the non-cyber world) Tom Long.
In addition to sports, music was a big passion of my grandfather. He frequently went to expos to buy and sell 78s, which he would convert to cassette tapes. Although the only real music I shared with my grandfather and Dad was Willie Nelson. Both of them showed me that you could still enjoy music as a major part of your life after the age of 30. I somehow had it in my mind that music was a sport of the young and, once you reached a certain, you pretty much gave it up and settled into a pattern of just listening to whatever happened to pop up on Magic 104 or Lite FM.
For all this and more, I will miss Grandpa Desmond greatly.
My grandfather was very loyal to his family, especially my grandmother. He spent a lot of time and love taking care of her in the past decade as it became increasingly difficult for her to take care of herself. He always made time to spend with his grandchildren, especially when my cousins, my sister, and I would construct very elaborate imaginary scenarios in which we would invite him to participate and/or witness. These ranged from weddings to newscasts to talent shows to super-hero battles to criminal trials and lawsuits. In one particularly memorable criminal trial, in which he was the judge, and I was a 9 year old defendant newly convicted of robbery, I tried to bribe him to change the verdict for a dollar, but he had to explain to me why that was wrong and/or illegal. He was pretty much the reason why I didn't become the next Rod Blagojevich.
Speaking of politics, my grandfather had a great deal of influence over my political beliefs-- not so much my actual political orientation, which, in some ways, is the opposite of my grandfather's-- but the idea that it's important to understand politics, and to not just have opinions, but to have opinions that are well thought out and based on a knowledge of history. He and my dad also both taught me that it's important to respect and understand multiple sides of an issue and to not have a simplistic ideology regardless of your political perspective, which is an idea that's in very short supply in a world where politics is just another form of poorly done entertainment.
The desire to be knowledgeable about things is another value that my grandfather helped instill. Although my grandmother's books formed the bulk of the 820 Wonderview library, Grandpa boasted a comprehensive collection himself. One summer I tore through a book of his called The Story of the Irish Race, by Seumas Macmanus. It taught me a lot about Irish history and my Irish heritage. I have my own copy of it now, as a gift from Steve Schiller.
I also learned a lot about sports from my grandfather-- not so much about actually playing sports, which my lack of strength and endurance discouraged me from doing, but about watching sports, especially the Cubs, which were his favorite team, and against whom I may have a lifetime resentment for failing to win a World Series for the entire 89 years he was alive. But watching games with him on TV, I learned a great deal about sports analysis, of players, and also of the knowledge (or lack thereof) of the broadcasters. Like all right-thinking Americans, he watched Harry Caray with a mixture of bemusement and frustration at his alcohol-fueled broadcasts. My parents and grand-parents also time-shared season's tickets at Wrigley Field, and I have a lot of good memories of watching Cubs games with my parents, grand-parents, and friend-of-the-blog (plus friend in the non-cyber world) Tom Long.
In addition to sports, music was a big passion of my grandfather. He frequently went to expos to buy and sell 78s, which he would convert to cassette tapes. Although the only real music I shared with my grandfather and Dad was Willie Nelson. Both of them showed me that you could still enjoy music as a major part of your life after the age of 30. I somehow had it in my mind that music was a sport of the young and, once you reached a certain, you pretty much gave it up and settled into a pattern of just listening to whatever happened to pop up on Magic 104 or Lite FM.
For all this and more, I will miss Grandpa Desmond greatly.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Bears vs. Chiefs: 12-4-11
BEARS VS. CHIEFS: 12-4-11
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Kansas City Chiefs after a difficult loss to the Oakland Raiders. Will the Bears regain their momentum against a team in which Kyle Orton is debuting as their quarterback? Or will Orton take apart the Bears defense like a 2 year old child takes apart a cheap alarm clock?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Pantaphobia” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and DC Comics’ eye candy, Wonder Woman.
SR: ARRH, mateys! Who would believe that me drunken ramblings have manifested themselves into hideous, if distorted, reality? First, I predicted the confrontation between Jim Harbaugh and the Detroit Lions. Then, last week, I demanded that the Bears bring back Neckbeard to replace the wounded Jay Cutler. Well, Kyle Orton be returning to the Bears… as their opposing quarterback! What similar suggestions be I inflicting upon the Bears’ future opponents? The Broncos should hire Rashaan Salaam, the Seahawks should give a contract to Curtis Enis, and the Vikings should pick up Cade McNown. And the Packers should bring back Jim McMahon and Kevin Butler.
Des: Hopefully those teams will adopt your suggestions, Captain. Concord Peabody. What statistical insights do you have?
CWP: Des, the Chiefs have a less offensive nickname than the Redskins, the Bears offense is really struggling without Jay Cutler…or Kyle Orton, the punt return team has been hemmed in lately, which means that the field is really, really long for Caleb Hanie. That said, the Bears will still win 77-15.
Des: What statistical formula do you use to predict your scores, Concord?
CWP: The only formula I need is the element of surprise.
Des: Is that some weird, messed-up version of a Chuck Norris joke? Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: Christmas is alleged to be a time of joy for your Western holiday season, but the true test of goodwill is the extent to which you submit to my stick beatings at what I call a peace temple, but your close-minded Western authorities refer to as a basement kidnapping and torture chamber.
Des: What happened to your random quotes of “wisdom”?
Modre: Your Western Internet service provider is no match for my Chinese super-computer… and I mean that literally, there’s no compatible portal.
Des: Wonder Woman. What’s your take on things?
WW: Des, what will it take for me to have a movie deal as awesome as Captain America, and Spider-Man? Sexy fights with female super-villains like Cheetah and Giganta?
Des: Uh, yeah. Sure. That’s a good start. Uh… sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match brought to you by the Newt Gingrich for President Campaign. Newt Gingrich… at least he can string a sentence together.. sort of.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Kansas City Chiefs after a difficult loss to the Oakland Raiders. Will the Bears regain their momentum against a team in which Kyle Orton is debuting as their quarterback? Or will Orton take apart the Bears defense like a 2 year old child takes apart a cheap alarm clock?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Pantaphobia” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and DC Comics’ eye candy, Wonder Woman.
SR: ARRH, mateys! Who would believe that me drunken ramblings have manifested themselves into hideous, if distorted, reality? First, I predicted the confrontation between Jim Harbaugh and the Detroit Lions. Then, last week, I demanded that the Bears bring back Neckbeard to replace the wounded Jay Cutler. Well, Kyle Orton be returning to the Bears… as their opposing quarterback! What similar suggestions be I inflicting upon the Bears’ future opponents? The Broncos should hire Rashaan Salaam, the Seahawks should give a contract to Curtis Enis, and the Vikings should pick up Cade McNown. And the Packers should bring back Jim McMahon and Kevin Butler.
Des: Hopefully those teams will adopt your suggestions, Captain. Concord Peabody. What statistical insights do you have?
CWP: Des, the Chiefs have a less offensive nickname than the Redskins, the Bears offense is really struggling without Jay Cutler…or Kyle Orton, the punt return team has been hemmed in lately, which means that the field is really, really long for Caleb Hanie. That said, the Bears will still win 77-15.
Des: What statistical formula do you use to predict your scores, Concord?
CWP: The only formula I need is the element of surprise.
Des: Is that some weird, messed-up version of a Chuck Norris joke? Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: Christmas is alleged to be a time of joy for your Western holiday season, but the true test of goodwill is the extent to which you submit to my stick beatings at what I call a peace temple, but your close-minded Western authorities refer to as a basement kidnapping and torture chamber.
Des: What happened to your random quotes of “wisdom”?
Modre: Your Western Internet service provider is no match for my Chinese super-computer… and I mean that literally, there’s no compatible portal.
Des: Wonder Woman. What’s your take on things?
WW: Des, what will it take for me to have a movie deal as awesome as Captain America, and Spider-Man? Sexy fights with female super-villains like Cheetah and Giganta?
Des: Uh, yeah. Sure. That’s a good start. Uh… sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match brought to you by the Newt Gingrich for President Campaign. Newt Gingrich… at least he can string a sentence together.. sort of.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)