Bears vs. Packers: 12-25-2011

BEARS VS. PACKERS: 12-25-2011

Des: Welcome to a very special Christmas edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. In the spirit of peace and love, the Bears face off in a match against their hated arch-rivals the Green Bay Packers that no doubt will result in at least one injury. Will Neckbeard's stunning victory over the Packers last week show the Bears' newest nameless quarterback the way? Or will tonight's game produce a Christmas anti-miracle, like the kind you often see on the very special Christmas Doctor Who?

Des: To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles "Scrooge-a-pa-loser" Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Amazonian crime fighter Wonder Woman

Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRRHHHHHHH, mateys! Well, Des, the Bears thus far have fallen to God's chosen quarterback Tim Tebow (which logically makes Kyle Orton a God-forsaken quarterback-- but his magical Lucifer powers should kick in any minute now) and also the Seahawks. What must they do to achieve victory this dark and lonely Christmas night? It be too late for them to beseech Santa Claus for a clone of Aaron Rogers but perhaps they could fashion a snowman and place the helmet of Sid Luckman upon his brow. Be there an NFL penalty for illegal removal of a magic helmet? Come to think of it, Aaron Rogers' wooden personality suggests that he may be a treant animated by dark sorcery.

Des: Thank you, Captain. Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

Concord: Well, Des, every single player on the Bears is either injured or stricken with leprosy, while the Packers were hatched from some dystopian super-soldier football murder factory. That said, the Bears will still win 96-10.

Des: Okay, Concord... I assume you and the Captain are both suffering from some sort of Christmas related trauma. What about you, Modre? Have you come to terms with Christmas yet?

Concord: It is best not to understand Christmas, just accept it... while undermining it from within!

Des: Well, Prissy Minion, should you also be undergoing some sort of holiday therapy?

Prissy: Des, every day with you is a holiday.

Des: Yeesh. Uh, Wonder Woman, what's your closing thought?

WW: Oh, sorry, Des, I was too busy single-handedly saving Christmas from a whole host of super-villains to worry about your piddly little football blog. Uh, go Falcons.

Des: Actually, Wonder Woman, the Bears need to win the next two games and have the Falcons lose two games to even have a prayer of entering the playoffs.

WW: Yeah, whatever. Listen, Des, could you be a dear and order me up some Invisi-metal? The Snow and Heat Misers did a number on my aircraft.

Des: Uh, sure. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match that may hold your attention until the Christmas Doctor Who episode comes on at 9 eastern, 8 central.