Bears vs. Vikings: 1-1-12

BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 1-1-12

Des: Welcome to this season's final edition of the Chicago Bears football pregame show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings in a game that means nothing to either team. Will the Bears audition a different quarterback every play? Or will both teams agree to give its fans a true show with a series of choreographed wacky plays, not unlike to Harlem Globetrotters, with the coin toss determining which team gets to be the Washington Generals? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles "Moses Magnum" Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and truth-seeker extraordinaire, Wonder Woman.

WW: Really, Des? "Truth-seeking extraordinaire"? Could you be any more pompous? Is that supposed to refer to my magic lasso? If so, be aware that I'm shifting to waterboarding for 2012.

Redbeard: ARRRRHHHHH, mateys! If ye be done with your pointless flirtations, it be time for Captain Redbeard's Rum-soaked Reevelation for the New Year. God seems to be getting himself involved in football even more than usual lately, from choosing Tim Tebow as his quarterback, to telling St. Louis Rams cornerback Al Harris it's time to retire. (True story!) What must the Bears do to receive similar divine intervention? Well, since Jehovah has clearly picked the Psckers to be the NFC North team for this decade, the Bears must fight back with deities from as many different parthenons as they can sucker into helping, whether it be my favorites Poseidon and Neptune, or Buddha (because no one would suspect him), or Quetzalcoatl. I'd go for Quetzalcoatl, since 2012 seems to be his year.

Des: Concord Peabody. What's your prediction?

Concord: Well, Des, this is the 20th anniversary of the breakup of the Soviet Union. The Bears are 4-0 when major empires disband, defeating the Packers when the Austro-Hungarian Empire collapsed in 1918, the Browns when the Ottoman Empire fell in 1922, the Redskins when India broke off from Great Britain, and the Chargers when the Soviet Union disbanded.

Des: But, Concord, no major empire is falling apart now, is it?

Concord: Why don't you cut away to Modre?

Modre: A Chinese fortune cookie once said, "Force equals too much, effort equals too little, being equals just right." Being Lovie Smith has not been especially helpful lately.

Des: Prissy Minion. What are your thought?

Prissy: Des, my New Year's Resolution is to lose enough weight to fit inside your mind.

Des: As Riche Rich's butler Cadbury would say, "Egad!" Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match that will provide a New Year's reminder that the more things change, the more they remain the same.