Bears vs. Vikings: 12-28-2014

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings in a game that means nothing to anyone, except for those of us who will enjoy watching an historical footnote of what is hopefully the final game with the current coaching and general manager staff. With Jimmy Clausen falling prey to the NFL’s sudden concern for concussions, Jay Cutler has one more chance to quarterback the Bears. Will Jay Cutler use the opportunity to further pad his stats as Chicago’s all-time leading passer? Or will every receiver continue to drop passes because--- Trestman!

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Nuedexta” Redbeard, Modre, the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae McGillicutty, and the non-pharmaceutical cure for uncontrollable laughter, Drunky McDumbAss.

Concord: Jay Cutler is two more teams, three additional head coaches, and 20 offensive coordinators away from being an elite quarterback. We’re talking Phillip Rivers-level elite!

Prissy: Kudos, Des, for not snagging the low hanging fruit of the classic comedy formula of “X is the highest quality member of set Y? That’s like saying A is the highest quality member of set B, when it’s understood that everything in set B is terrible!”

Des: Actually, Prissy, I tried really hard to use that formula, but the best I could do was, “Jay Cutler is the best passer in the history of the Chicago Bears? That’s like saying ‘Mork and Mindy’ is the best spin-off of Happy Days, or ‘Facts of Life’ was the best spin-off of ‘Diff’rent Strokes’, or Jeb Bush was the best President Bush.” I’m saving that joke for 2024.

Sally: Sadly, you probably have an 85% chance of using that joke, if Nate Silver is to be believed.

Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH! Mateys! Why be I buried beneath Concord Peabody, the Prissy Minion, and Doctor McChesty?

Des: Because Drunky McDumbAss hasn’t been released from his oxygen tent yet.

Redbeard: Ye treacherous land lubbers! Mayhap I can successfully deploy Prissy Minion’s comedy formula: Jay Cutler is the best passer in the eternal history of the Chicago football Bears? Why, that be like proclaiming that K-Mart be the best brand of deck chair on the Titanic. Be that too obscure for ye? How about this one: Jay Cutler is the best Bears quarterback? Why, that’s like sayin’ the Santa Maria was the least genocidal ship on Christopher Columbus’s fleet. Did that hit too close to home? This be not the Washington football blog, is it?

Des: Oh, Captain. Ellie Mae, what do you have for us?

Ellie Mae: If Jay Cutler joins the Nashville Oilers next season, his wife, Kristin Cavallari, would fit right in down in the hill country, what with her not vaccinatin’ her kids, or as we like to call it, “pokin’ ‘em with the devil’s needles”, which is maybe a little surprisin’, since she also has appeared in commercials on the squawk box asking for money to develop an HIV vaccine… which she would then refuse to give to her kids, I would assume. But you know whut they say about whut happens when you assume… you get a lucrative gig as a sports yapper! Now that’s what I call low hanging fruit!

Sally: Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears potentially complete the final game of the 2014 season!

Bears vs. Lions: 12-21-2014

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears will bench Jay Cutler in hopes of that Jimmy Clausen can lead the defense to allow less than 30 points…

Sally: Yeah, the Bears benched Jay Cutler in hopes that fans will shut up for 5 minutes so Trestman can get to his car. Another failed game plan, by the way.

Des: Will the Bears do the Packers yet one more favor by somehow getting an upset win over the Lions, or will Clausen do the Bears a favor by having a horrible game, thus forcing the Bears front office to deploy the much-needed pin sweeper on the coaching staff, ushering in the inevitable Jim Harbaugh/Mike Singletary era?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “No Gherkin Around” Redbeard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae McGillicutty, and finally, a man who’s filled with more Christmas spirits than every community college theater adaptation of A Christmas Carol put together, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHH, mateys! If there be one thing Marc Trestman, Jay Cutler, and I have in common, it be that our strategies are much more obvious to our enemies than to our own team/crew. Of course, when your strategy is to set your ship’s gunpowder on fire and ram your ship into the flagship of the British Royal Navy, ‘tis best to keep your crew in the dark about that.

            On a related or parenthetic topic, (or both), the Bears have utilized a succession of emotionless robots to coach the Bears. Perhaps ‘tis time to instead employ a raging psychopath to instill fear and terror into the Bears, and, with any luck, opposing teams. Mayhap a Jim Harbaugh or Mike Singletary be just what the Bears need. Or, alternatively, the Bears could hire a coach whose unnaturally calm demeanor barely masks an unquenchable fury and disdain for all mankind, i.e. Bill Belichick.

Des: Concord, what are your thoughts?

Concord: Des, the Bears are 175-200 when they use their backup quarterback, which sounds bad until you consider that they are 57-312 when they use their first-stringers.

Des: Ellie Mae. Any closing words?

Ellie: Merry Christmas, if by “Merry Christmas”, you mean a Christmas that isn’t a “mash-up” of the most depressing elements of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, and Kenny Rogers songs. I always said Christmas was more of an absence than a presence. Or “presents”, if you’re talking about the McGillicutty household.

Des: And, on that note… Happy Holidays!

Thanks to "friend of the blog" Agent Screamin' for the opening joke. And by "friend of the blog", I mean someone who wished the blog no specific harm.

Bears vs. Saints: 12-15-2014

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears play the New Orleans Saints in another game that is inexplicably nationally televised after receiving a savage beating from the Dallas Cowboys on Thursday Night Football! Laughably, this game has playoff implications for one of these 5-8 teams. Will the Bears get to play the role of spoiler, thrusting the Saints in the same death spiral with the 49ers? Or will the Saints earn the “honor” of getting destroyed by a vastly superior wild card team in the playoffs?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Aqua-fresh” Redbeard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae MacGillicutty, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHH, mateys! Santa comes not-early-enough for the Chicago Bears as the cast of this worthless pre-game “show” offer undeserved gifts to our struggling Monsters of the Midway. As for me, the cruelest gift I could give the Bears is that they win the last three games, finishing the season with an 8-8 record, destroying any chances of getting a good player from the draft. It’s a “Gift of the Magi” in the sense that it’s a complete waste of money and effort.

Des: Doctor McChesty, what gift do you have for the Bears?

Sally: The same gift I have for every NFL team, Des. Complete contempt for a violent, pointless sport that has longer pauses for discussing arcane procedural rules than 50 Senate filibusters.

Des: Ellie Mae, what do you plan to put under the Halas Hall tree?

Ellie Mae: While pig nuts are the inside joke that keeps on giving, the best gift I could give the Bears is to move them to the NFC South, where they could win the division with a 6-10 record.

Des: Concord, what do you have for the Bears?

Concord: A statistical analysis indicating that, on paper, the Bears should have won every game this season and won the Super Bowl by 40 points. Oddly, when I coached the Bears as my fantasy football team, they had a 9-4 record. Of course, that was after I traded Mel Tucker for a grilled cheese sandwich.

Des: Modre?

Modre: My gift to the Bears is a colorless, odorless substance that doesn’t leave a trace in the bloodstream of Aaron Rogers.

Des: Drunky McDumbAss. What did you provide as a stocking stuffer?

Drunky: Need you ask, Des? Empty whiskey bottles from every tailgate party this doomed season.

Des: Prissy Minion?

Prissy: Des, if you played an endless loop of every Bears pre-game show since 2002 in the Soldier Field locker room and on the sideline, you would provide a powerful incentive for the offense to score first downs just to stay on the field. Or maybe that wall of sound would burrow into Mel Tucker’s brain, adding that much needed “savant” component to “idiot savant.”

Des:  Prissy, are you only referring to my pre-game show, or every pre-game show from the past 12 years played simultaneously, forming a mélange of redundancy that’s almost like a round of “Row, Row, Row Your Boat” if it were sung by the Borg?

Prissy: Option B.

Sally: Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a game that will fail to turn viewers away from “Year Without a Santa Claus”…. which is on right now! End transmission!

Bears vs. Cowboys: 12-4-2014

BEARS VS. COWBOYS: 12-4-14

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Dallas Cowboys, another team that also embarrassed themselves on Thanksgiving. Will the Bears and Cowboys play their best game of the year as they seek redemption in front of another national TV audience? Or will both coaches spend the game commiserating with each other about how their once-proud franchises were ruined by quarterbacks who never quite lived up to their potential?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Butterface” Redbeard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae MacGillicutty, and random street corner stench factory, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHH, mateys! I be tired of thinking about the Bears or professional football. Nay, me every waking thought turns toward the Freewinds, flagship vessel of the Church of Scientology: the ultimate prize of me pirate fleet. Not only would I possess the untold wealth from the sales of the legendary E-meters, but I also would become the receptacle of the transcendent wisdom of the Operating Thetans on board the ship, which, if I read the Wikipedia entry correctly, means I should have “knowing and willing cause over life, thought, matter, energy, space, and time.”

Des: Wouldn’t it be easier just to steal some mystic ring or orb, or some kind of magical jewelry, star child, or parchment? Modre, isn’t Captain Redbeard’s quest for transcendent knowledge horning in on your turf?

Modre: “I have high hopes of smashing into history so violently that it will take a legendary form even if all books are destroyed.” So sayeth L. Ron Hubbard, the greatest philosopher of the 20^th century. Of course, any century that has Ayn Rand on its short list of “greatest philosphers” has a pretty low bar.

Des: I apologize, Modre. Nobody could, uh, fill those, uh… is “shoes” really the best word for this idiom? I’m thinking, it’s more like Vasoline covered sandals for slip-sliding away to a better world, man.  Um, Drunky McDumbAss. Give us some us your “street wisdom.”

Drunky: Wow, Des. Those are the most offensive air quotes I’ve ever seen. But I will dignify that with a response, if by “dignify”, you mean “launch into a 24 hour circular tirade that increases in anger, incoherence, and blood alcohol content.” So… yeah…. Thursday Night games are awesome because you’re only competing against college kids in the sports bars, and I could totally take those guys on. Until I wake up duct taped to an elevator again. Whenever I find myself in an elevator, I make sure I push the elevator buttons with my knuckles so I don’t get any diseases.

Des: Drunky, I’m sure that whatever super-mega-hyper Ebola virus you’re carrying would destroy all competing infectious agents. I think that catching a cold from some tourist is the least of your health worries.

Drunky: Well, Des, what I do... what I do is I get in my car, I turn the ignition key and, 30 minutes to four days later, I wake up in my apartment. Or police car. Or Wendy’s drive through. Or church. It’s like stepping through a portal into another dimension. You never know where you’ll turn up.

Des: Inside a puddle of vomit is a pretty safe bet.

Des: All right, thank you, Drunky. Ellie Mae McGillicutty. What southern fried stocking stuffers have you brought for the holiday season?

Ellie: Funny you should say that. It’s the stocking itself that’s been deep fried to kill most of the various festering foot fungi of my extended family. Each stocking has been carefully handcrafted from the scraps of various car wash towels in the tri-county area, then loving shared with each of the 92 members of the MacGillicutty family until it no longer resembles something one would call “footwear.” Then after it’s been deep fried in the grease of some combination of hamster gizzards, pigeons, and crawfish from the bowels of Louisiana, we stuff it with butter, funnel cakes, and French fries, drizzled in a Ramen Noodle Casserole.

Des: Uh... and that’s all the time we have, boys and girls. Doctor McChesty, please fade this production to black.

Sally: Of course, L. Ron Desmo. Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a game that will fail to draw more viewers than All in the Family, by which I mean The McCarthys