Bears vs. Vikings: 12-28-2014

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings in a game that means nothing to anyone, except for those of us who will enjoy watching an historical footnote of what is hopefully the final game with the current coaching and general manager staff. With Jimmy Clausen falling prey to the NFL’s sudden concern for concussions, Jay Cutler has one more chance to quarterback the Bears. Will Jay Cutler use the opportunity to further pad his stats as Chicago’s all-time leading passer? Or will every receiver continue to drop passes because--- Trestman!

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Nuedexta” Redbeard, Modre, the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae McGillicutty, and the non-pharmaceutical cure for uncontrollable laughter, Drunky McDumbAss.

Concord: Jay Cutler is two more teams, three additional head coaches, and 20 offensive coordinators away from being an elite quarterback. We’re talking Phillip Rivers-level elite!

Prissy: Kudos, Des, for not snagging the low hanging fruit of the classic comedy formula of “X is the highest quality member of set Y? That’s like saying A is the highest quality member of set B, when it’s understood that everything in set B is terrible!”

Des: Actually, Prissy, I tried really hard to use that formula, but the best I could do was, “Jay Cutler is the best passer in the history of the Chicago Bears? That’s like saying ‘Mork and Mindy’ is the best spin-off of Happy Days, or ‘Facts of Life’ was the best spin-off of ‘Diff’rent Strokes’, or Jeb Bush was the best President Bush.” I’m saving that joke for 2024.

Sally: Sadly, you probably have an 85% chance of using that joke, if Nate Silver is to be believed.

Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH! Mateys! Why be I buried beneath Concord Peabody, the Prissy Minion, and Doctor McChesty?

Des: Because Drunky McDumbAss hasn’t been released from his oxygen tent yet.

Redbeard: Ye treacherous land lubbers! Mayhap I can successfully deploy Prissy Minion’s comedy formula: Jay Cutler is the best passer in the eternal history of the Chicago football Bears? Why, that be like proclaiming that K-Mart be the best brand of deck chair on the Titanic. Be that too obscure for ye? How about this one: Jay Cutler is the best Bears quarterback? Why, that’s like sayin’ the Santa Maria was the least genocidal ship on Christopher Columbus’s fleet. Did that hit too close to home? This be not the Washington football blog, is it?

Des: Oh, Captain. Ellie Mae, what do you have for us?

Ellie Mae: If Jay Cutler joins the Nashville Oilers next season, his wife, Kristin Cavallari, would fit right in down in the hill country, what with her not vaccinatin’ her kids, or as we like to call it, “pokin’ ‘em with the devil’s needles”, which is maybe a little surprisin’, since she also has appeared in commercials on the squawk box asking for money to develop an HIV vaccine… which she would then refuse to give to her kids, I would assume. But you know whut they say about whut happens when you assume… you get a lucrative gig as a sports yapper! Now that’s what I call low hanging fruit!

Sally: Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears potentially complete the final game of the 2014 season!

Bears vs. Bills: 11-7-10

BEARS VS. BILLS: 11-7-10

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears cross the border into Canada to play against the Buffalo Bills, the only winless team in the NFL. Will Jay Cutler be able to execute a system that requires him to throw to his own players instead of his opponents? Or will the Bears’ invasion of Canada be as successful as the American invasions of Canada during the Revolutionary War and the War of 1812? (Historical note: We were not greeted as liberators.) To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Sugar Cane” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Me rum-induced hangover is pounding as mercilessly as the Chicago’s sports media is beating Jay Cutler over the head and shoulders for his quarterbacking incompetence. But ‘tis not fully deserved! After all, the offensive line be as wafer thin as the hull of the Titanic proved versus the iceberg.

Des: That’s very kind of you, Captain.

SR: Ah, but my words don’t match my deeds, Des. Jay Cutler will awaken to find himself at the business end of me steely blade come Monday morning if his arm cannon is no more accurate than my ship’s cannons, which have proven more deadly to my men than any foe.

Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. What’s your prediction for today’s game?

DMD: Yet another trip to Bears jail for me when I use my Lexus Is as the drummer for my tailgate band, the Decatur Staleys and run over 60 fans in the parking lot during the drum solo. Well, it’s not really my Lexus, it’s actually Jay Cutler’s, which I’m holding hostage until he gets more touchdowns than interceptions. I didn’t promise I would return it in mint condition, though.

Des: I’m hearing a lot of Jay Cutler bashing today. Modre. How will the Bears do against the Buffalo Bills?

Modre: Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet. You're a plague and we are the cure.

Des: If you are the Cure, then why aren’t you wearing eye liner and poufy hair?

Modre: What?

Des: Never mind. Concord Peabody. Any irrelevant stats you want to share?

CWP: 54-40 or fight!

Des: Why not? Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?

PM: Oh, Des. If I made a drinking game out of the number of times a simile or metaphor was used inappropriately in today’s episode, I’d be as drunk as Lindsay Lohan at a court date. Hey, now I’m part of the simile shenanigans! That was as fun as counting off how many times a football announcer tells us that a quarterback needs to “stay inside himself”, like, what, he’s going to leave his body and possess the soul of his receiver? Although if Jay Cutler tried to astral project himself, he’d probably miss Johnny Knox only to find himself inside of a Gatorade bottle.

Des: Uh, sit back and watch with your Smell-o-vision as the Bears face off in a rivalry as ancient as that of… I’m just going to end transmission here.

Bears vs. Packers: 9-13-09

BEARS VS. PACKERS: 9-13-09

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers in Year Two of their Favre-free experiment. Will the Bears find that the Pack Attack is worse than crack? Or will Jay Cutler fill the vacuum left by Rex Grossman’s departure?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Guy Smiley Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and recently dead celebrity the Oxy-Clean Guy.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! This year, me predictions will be based on careful data analysis, consultation with sports experts, and in-depth interviews with players and coaches. (Pause) Ah, har, har, har, har!!! I’m just yanking’ your anchor, land-lubbers!!! After staring at the black sails torn from the wreckage of the doomed Titanic, a short, sharp visage of the 2009 season burned itself into me memory cells. The Bears will go 9-7 this year, destroying the Seahawks, Bengals, Browns, 49ers, plus the Vikings and Lions twice. But they will lose to the Steelers, Falcons, Cardinals, Eagles, Rams, Ravens, and split the Packers.

Des: Captain, I was looking at your Bears predictions from last year, and your record was 9-7… barely better than flipping a coin.

SR: Well, there be a 100% chance that you’ll find yourself at the business end of me steely blade when this comedy bit ends.

Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

CWS: The Bears’ perseverance and never-say-die attitude against the Browns last week reminded me of the time I went to Hooter’s and, uh…

Des: Modre! What advice do you have for the Bears this week?

Modre: Philosopher Brad Holland once said, “Postmodernists believe that truth is myth, and myth, truth… The same people also believe that emotions are a form of reality. There used to be another name for this state of mind. It used to be called psychosis.” Bears fans believe in the myth of the super-genius second-string quarterback.

Des: Oxy Clean Guy. Any advice?

OCG: Stay away from the cocaine.

Des: Okay, then. Sit back and watch as…URRRK! Tell… Charlize Theron… I thought Aeon Flux… was her best… work…. Oh, untimely death!