Bears vs, Packers: 11-12-2017

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers, in what is still somehow the greatest rivalry in football even though the Packers record against the Bears has been 38-18 from 1990 onward. Will the Bears take advantage of a team weakened by the loss of their blandly charismatic leader? Or will Chicago fans continue to invest their hopes and dreams in a dismal quarterback despite all evidence to the contrary?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Papa John” Red-beard, Modre, the trans-logical guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Drunky McDumbAss, and our washtub-strumming Sage of the South, Ellie Mae McGillicutty.

Redbeard: ARRRH, matyes! I have awakened from me Kraken-esque slumber to announce me “Chum Bucket of the NFL”, the one team that will fail to win a single game this season. Although both the Cleveland Browns and the San Francisco 49ers both deserve this “honor” with their 0-8 records, ‘twill be the 49ers that will ultimately fail to celebrate a single win this year, thanks to the “Kaepernick Curse” which has been placed upon them. These curses are well-nigh impossible to shatter. Just ask the Washington football team, although I think I painted far too broad a stroke with that particular curse, having afflicted the entire NFL East with mediocrity at best, with the exception of the Philadelphia Eagles, whom I foresee playing against the New England Patriots in a Super Bowl that no one will watch after everyone with the tiniest bit of political awareness decides to boycott the NFL, even though sports media will desperately try to drum up interest by casting the Eagles-Patriots matchup as a metaphor of the eventual 2020 contest between Donald Trump and Deval Patrick. I won’t say which team represents which candidate, but I think everybody knows.

Sally: That’s a grim, uh, vision, I guess, of the future of football.

Redbeard: Aye! But, wait! There be more forebodings of even more future evil: Having destroyed football, television, social media, Civil War re-enactments, pizza, and both Star Trek and War (somehow), it be only a matter of time before President-for-life Donald Trump destroys all remaining American institutions: rock music, Coca Cola, the American automotive industry, and apple pie.

Sally: Do you really think Donald Trump will be “President-for-life”?

Redbeard: Well, president for the rest of Drunky McDumbAss’s life.

Drunky: Hey, wait a minute…

Sally: What about NASCAR and country music? Aren’t those American institutions?

Redbeard: Sure, but not in a good way.

Sally: Your Chum Bucket pick came really close to coming to fruition last year with the Browns… they only won one game and were the worst team in the NFL.

Redbeard: Aye, me beauteous maiden, whom I totally will not ask to hold a Microsoft Tablet whilst I view a replay to decree whether Kaepernick’s knee hit the ground before he broke the plane of American awareness of difficult racial issues.

Sally: That’s good, because you’re one hammock misadventure away from being the aquatic Harvey Weinstein. Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears play in a game in which your awareness of the outside world will slowly creep back into the periphery of your consciousness during every prolonged replay review. 

Bears vs. Lions: 10-1-2016

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions after a tough loss against Dallas in which the offense really turned on the heat… after it no longer mattered. With the Bears season once again over before it truly began, the only real question is, Will Kyle Hendricks’ pitching, and the hitting prowess of Kris Bryant and Anthony Rizzo finally bring the Cubs World Series glory? Or will the inconsistent pitching of Hector Rondon and Pedro Strop give some idiot Cubs fan the opportunity to steal another title from Chicago?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Gyruss” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae MacGillicutty, Drunky McDumbAss, and the biggest curse to afflict Chicago sports, excepting 108 years of Cubs history, former coach Marc Trestman.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! This be Week 4 of the NFL season, which can only mean that it be time for Captain Redbeard’s Chum Bucket of the NFL, the team that will fail to win a single game this season. There be four teams competing for this dubious honor, the New Orleans Saints, the Cleveland Browns, the Jacksonville Jaguars, and, for the second consecutive year, the Chicago Football Bears. ‘Twill be the Cleveland Browns that will go winless this year, as the Cavaliers drained all the winning magic from this doomed metropolis for the next millennia.

Sally: At least you didn’t pick on the Bears this year, Captain. They exceeded your expectations by going 6-10, which is six more games than you expected.

Redbeard: Aye, me beauteous maiden, but they’ve already lost to three bad teams. Luckily, there be 7 more terrible teams to go.

Sally: Coach Trestman. Where do the Bears go from here?

Trestman: Bon matin, mes amis! I have completed mon petit dejeuner avec le fruit cup. Your Jean Fox must become more like the Reynard trickster fox of French legend, the peasant-hero character who outsmarts the aristocracy and the clergy, although, given that Renard symbolizes the triumph of cunning over brute strength, it is perhaps not the best metaphor to be applied to le football American, n’est-ce-pas?

Sally: Lunging from a mockery of pseudo-intellectuals to its polar opposite, would you welcome—Ellie Mae McGillicutty.

Ellie: Excuse me while I chomp on a concoction of chewin’ tobaccy, Big League Chew, and an assortment of Fiddle Faddle and mystery giblets. Know what would go good with this?

Sally: A third-grade education?

Ellie: An endless loop of the one time Donald Trump burned Hillary Clinton in the first debate when he nailed her on NAFTA, or NASCAR, or whatever.

Sally: Prissy Minion. Provide us with inexplicable Des Pride.

Prissy Minion: Des’s football musings place him among the great prophets throughout history in that they are deliberate misinterpreted to suit the needs of our political and religious leaders.

Des: That is indeed a high standard to live up to. Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears battle the Lions for possession of the most disappointing legacy for their starting quarterback.

Bears vs. Vikings: 12-20-2010

BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 12-20-10

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings after a heartbreaking loss to the New England Patriots. Could this be a much-needed bounce-back against Captain Methuselah and his hellscape rent-a-stadium? Or will this be another step on the slippery slope slip sliding away from playoff action? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody; Captain Silas Charles "Dark Angel" Redbeard; Modre the trans-Western mystic; the Prissy Minion; and special guest former Bears coach and living legend Mike Ditka.

SR: ARRRRRGGGHHHHH, mateys! ‘Tis time for me to hang my head in shame as I review how me playoff picks in September are performing in December. In the AFC, I can look on with pride at my playoff picks the Jets and Ravens who are poised to enter the playoffs. Sadly, I can only turn my head in disgust at my other playoff selections, the Texans, Broncos, Bills, and Browns. I am especially disheartened at the Broncos. I thought this was Neckbeard’s year!

SR: I did a little better in the NFC. Four of my five selections appear to be post-season bound: the Eagles, Bears, Falcons, and the Rams, who have a, uh, dominating (?) record of 6-8. Sadly, the 49ers and Lions continue to be major disappointments. Well, okay, a 4-10 record for the Lions is rebuilding. By 2016, the Lions should make it to the first round of the playoffs… where they will be as promptly skewered as the marlin I single-handedly wrestled onto me vessel!

Des: Nice one, Ernest Hemingway-breath. Modre, what wisdom do you have for us?

Modre: Margaret Mead once said, “It may be necessary temporarily to accept a lesser evil, but one must never label a necessary evil as good.” That’s especially true of Bears quarterbacks!

Des: Concord Peabody, what's your Victory Factor for the Bears matchup against Minnesota?

CP: Des, if you divide Brett Favre’s age by the number of offensive text messages he sent and multiply it by the number of Bears failed third down attempts, the Bears should have a Victory Factor of 105.9.

Des: Concord, does 105.9FM play all the classics, plus the best new rock?

CP: Des, WCKG stopped playing classic rock 14 years ago. Get with the times!

Des: Coach Ditka. Give us your thoughts.

Ditka: "Those who live in the past are cowards and losers". By the way, come see me at Bert Wyman Ford for a reunion with my old buddies from the 1985 Superbowl Bears, and maybe you’ll see us do the Superbowl Shuffle!

Des: Prissy Minion, how do you want to finish this off?

PM: Oh, Des. Your Bears football posts are like a magic 8 ball… it’s comfortingly predictable.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match that will make you face your own mortality as you watch Brett Favre play quarterback.

Bears vs. Rams: 12-6-09

BEARS VS. RAMS: 12-6-09

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Rams in the first game that has not been nationally televised in a month. Will the Bears take the opportunity to rebuild under the radar? Or will St. Louis accidently lose the draft pick race to Cleveland and Tampa Bay?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “the Walrus” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and avatar of Christmas cheer, Santa Claus.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Allow me to pour a 40 ounce bottle of rum on the curb for me fallen brethren of the skull and crossbones who were recently captured by the Dutch Navy. Who even knew those wooden shoe wearing tulip eaters even had a navy? Anyway, the Bears should use the “Hardtack Defense”, a defense that’s bland and flavorless, but is hard and unyielding. Just don’t dip it in coffee, or “the black awakening”, as we in the pirate profession like to call it.

Des: Yeah, thanks, Captain. Modre. What should the Bears do?

Modre: French Classical Writer Francois De La Rochefoucauld once said, “Usually we praise only to be praised.” That said, Des, you are a comedic genius.

Des: I offer nothing in return. Santa Claus. Your thoughts about the Bears.

Santa: Oh, ho, ho, ho! Bears fans will receive a Christmas gift that Ron Turner will not enjoy.

Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this?

PM: Oh, Des. As British Sportsman Writer Charles Caleb Colton once said, “When millions applaud you seriously ask yourself what harm you have done; and when they disapprove you, what good.” Think about that, won’t you?

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by "V: the Visitors", which was pre-empted by a Charlie Brown Christmas, which was, in turn interrupted by President Obama. Like the Visitors, Obama is also “of peace… always.”

Bears vs. Vikings: 11-29-09

BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 11-29-09

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Vikings after a heart-breaking loss to the Philadelphia Eagles. Will the Bears offense show some sparks of ingenuity, or a least competence? Or is that really loud ticking noise Ron Turner’s Deathclock?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Salon Haji Bahdoon” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Horseshoe Sandwich crooner Des-boy.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! The once mighty Spanish Armada be naught but a shadow of its former self. Even incompetent lunkheads like me are able to fleece them for millions. This fate could be yours, Barack Obama, if ye reduce military expenditures by even a hay-penny. Here’s your gambling tip of the week: I’ll place me three million Euro ransom from the Spanish government on the Cleveland Browns. Mangini can’t be wrong all the time!

Des: Yeah, thanks, Captain. Modre. What should the Bears do?

Modre: American poet Adrienne Rich once said, “Every journey into the past is complicated by delusions, false memories, false namings of real events.” That’s also true of the future. And also the present!

Des: Thanks, Captain Bringdown. Des-boy. Your thoughts about the Bears

DB: Well, Des, as they say in Standard City, “When’s NASCAR on?”

Des: Prissy Minion. What bizarre compliment do you have for me this week?

PM: Oh, Des. You’re boredom’s worst nightmare. Of course, that’s also true for car accidents and train wrecks, which I also enjoy watching.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by "V: the Visitors", starring Morena Baccarin, who’s inching closer to replacing my 20 year old picture of Janeane Garofalo on my screen saver.

Bears vs. Cardinals: 11-8-09

BEARS VS. CARDINALS: 11-8-09

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against their cross-town rivals, the Arizona Cardinals. Will the Bears be able to make their offense function smoothly, like a well-oiled machine? Or will they fly apart into a million pieces, like the infamous aluminum engines of the 1974 Chevy Vega?

To respond to these and similar obscure, poorly constructed metaphors is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Livingston Seagull” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed dead celebrity Kurt Cobain.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Though the Bears emerged victorious against the hapless Cleveland Browns, ‘tis too soon to crown them Super-bowl champions. What must the Bears do to win the NFC North? I suggest the “bilge rat” pass rush defense, where ye swarm all over the quarterback like a pack of… well, ye gets the idea. This would be particularly effective against the “Cheese-head” Green Bay Packers.

Des: Concord Peabody. Your thoughts.

CP: The Bears’ smothering defense and suffocating kickoff return coverage remind me of the time I worked for the "waste management business" and...

Des: Modre. What should the Bears do?

Modre: George Bernard Shaw once said, “For every complex problem, there is a simple solution that is wrong.” Still, I recommend using the "Wildcat" offense.

Des: Kurt Cobain. Your thoughts.

KC: “If you ever need anything please don't hesitate to ask someone else first."

Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. Your final thought.

PM: Oh, Des. Bears Sunday without your broadcasts is like a broken pencil--- pointless.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by the return of "V: the Visitors", which is in no way connected to this show, even though I've used their theme song for 5 years.

Bears vs. Browns: 11-1-09

BEARS VS. BROWNS: 11-1-09

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Cleveland Browns after a heartbreaking loss to the Cincinnati Bengals. Will the Bears have an answer for Coach “Man-Genius”? And will it be something besides “better not tell you now?”

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Easy Rider” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed general William Westmoreland.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! The idle speculation over whether the NFL will place a team in London or Los Angeles brings a chuckle to this ancient mariner’s heart. Why not bring a professional team to Chicago? ‘Tis a pretty big market, filled to bursting with treasure and booty even though Denver and Cincinnati have successfully plundered the Bears of its offensive talent. I myself have stolen many a treasure from the Art Institute and Museum of Broadcast History, whiling away many a lonely hour with me purloined Dirty Dragon puppet and Blob clay formation.

Des: And indeed the Bears talent has been very offensive. (Insert rim shot) Concord Peabody. Your thoughts.

CP: I still believe Lovie Smith made the right decision when he made himself defensive co-Odinator.

Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: Isaac Asimov once said, “Violence is the refuge of the incompetent.” That’s only true for Ron Turner.

Des: General William Westmoreland. Your advice for the Bears.

GWW: “Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.”

Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. Your final thought.

PM: Oh, Des. After last Sunday’s Bears game, only your broadcasts remind me that there still is a god.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game that should be totally awesome as long as Harvey Pekar can do the play by play. Or Funky Winkerbean. Either way, it’s cancer-tastic. Anyone but Cleveland Brown, the cartoon character.

Bears vs. Packers: 9-13-09

BEARS VS. PACKERS: 9-13-09

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers in Year Two of their Favre-free experiment. Will the Bears find that the Pack Attack is worse than crack? Or will Jay Cutler fill the vacuum left by Rex Grossman’s departure?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Guy Smiley Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and recently dead celebrity the Oxy-Clean Guy.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! This year, me predictions will be based on careful data analysis, consultation with sports experts, and in-depth interviews with players and coaches. (Pause) Ah, har, har, har, har!!! I’m just yanking’ your anchor, land-lubbers!!! After staring at the black sails torn from the wreckage of the doomed Titanic, a short, sharp visage of the 2009 season burned itself into me memory cells. The Bears will go 9-7 this year, destroying the Seahawks, Bengals, Browns, 49ers, plus the Vikings and Lions twice. But they will lose to the Steelers, Falcons, Cardinals, Eagles, Rams, Ravens, and split the Packers.

Des: Captain, I was looking at your Bears predictions from last year, and your record was 9-7… barely better than flipping a coin.

SR: Well, there be a 100% chance that you’ll find yourself at the business end of me steely blade when this comedy bit ends.

Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

CWS: The Bears’ perseverance and never-say-die attitude against the Browns last week reminded me of the time I went to Hooter’s and, uh…

Des: Modre! What advice do you have for the Bears this week?

Modre: Philosopher Brad Holland once said, “Postmodernists believe that truth is myth, and myth, truth… The same people also believe that emotions are a form of reality. There used to be another name for this state of mind. It used to be called psychosis.” Bears fans believe in the myth of the super-genius second-string quarterback.

Des: Oxy Clean Guy. Any advice?

OCG: Stay away from the cocaine.

Des: Okay, then. Sit back and watch as…URRRK! Tell… Charlize Theron… I thought Aeon Flux… was her best… work…. Oh, untimely death!

Bears vs. Buccaneers: 9-21-08

BEARS VS. BUCCANEERS: 9-21-08

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, a team helmed by one of thousands of quarterbacks Chicago has kicked to the curb this decade. Will the Bears be able to play four quarters of football through better conditioning and a diverse playbook? Or will the offense be forced to score 40 points in the first half?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Barbarossa” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Ye athletic representatives of Miami, Cleveland, Cincinnati, and Detroit stand accused of football incompetence before the drum-head court of Barbarossa Hayreddin Pasha, Fleet Admiral of the Ottoman Navy! Sorry if I mispronounced me own name. It’s been 500 years since I was a Turk. I decree that the Cleveland Browns will fail to win a game this season. I have spoken! Imperious Rex!

Des: Uh, Captain, didn’t you predict that the Browns will go to the Super Bowl?

SR: Aye, I hang me head in shame.

Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?

CWP: Well, the Bears are 694-509-42 lifetime when the temperature is below Fahrenheit 451. Go Bears!

Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: When you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.

Des: Thanks, Neil Peart. Albert Einstein. Your impressions.

AE: Mein herr, "Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen." Haben sie das verstanden, Herr Madden?

Des: Back from the dead to insult sportscasters. A valuable use of necromancy! Prissy Minion. Put an exclamation point on this madness.

PM: Interjections! For excitement! And emotion!

Des: I saw that coming. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a clash that pales in comparison to the Cubs’ race for the pennant.