Bears vs. Cardinals: September 23, 2018

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Cardinals after a hard fought win against the Seahawks, a hollow, depleted husk of its once-mighty self. Will the Bears take advantage of a yet another lackluster team? And will anyone watch the Bears when you could watch the Cubs play the White Sox for the last game featuring legendary Sox broadcaster Hawk Harrelson?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Sweet Release” Red-beard, Modre, the trans-logical guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae McGillicutty, former Bears Coach Marc Trestman, and the technicolor shamblings of Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Once again, it be time for me to reveal my predictions for today’s game. So, after consuming a cocktail called “Bilge Swill” and crashing through the hollow hull of my pirate ship, only to be rescued by the watery hand of the Lady of the Lake, who inscribed today’s predictions with the mystic sword Excalibur, first upon my termite-infested peg leg, then when she ran out of room, on my sea water rusted hook for a hand, and then finally upon my pleated brow, which I will read using a shattered mirror broken upon the skull of many a foe, but mostly Aquaman. I have done many a team up with Black Manta, who still has the scariest voice ever heard on a late 1970s cartoon. Anyone who has watched the “Challenge of the Superfriends” knows what I’m talking about. Oh, yes: what will be the outcome of today’s game? The Bears will defeat the Cardinals 28-6, with the defense scoring all four touchdowns. Also, yrujni gnidne nosaes a evah lliw yksiburt.

Des: Concord Peabody. What are you bringing to the table today?

Concord: Des, even though nobody heeded my multiple quarterback strategy last week, I’m back again to provide another ritualistic coaching strategy you should follow even when it makes absolutely no sense to do so. And here it is: Starting pitchers should pitch exactly 100 pitches per game. No more, no less. I don’t care if the pitcher is working on a no-hitter, if he’s down by 20 runs, if both shoulders are dislocated, or if his clothes have been knocked off by a line drive a la Charlie Brown. 100 pitches.

Des: Thank you, Concord. Drunky, even though I pride myself on not asking a question unless I’m prepared to hear the answer, what, uh, what is happening?

Drunky McDumbAss: I was enjoying myself tailgating at a bar called “Slumpy’s.” Except it turned out to be a mattress store called “Sleepy’s.”

Des: Prissy Minion. Make me feel better about myself.

Prissy Minion: Oh, Des. You have the bubbly effervescence of an Alka Seltzer commercial sung by Sammy Davis, Jr.

Des: …which I have in my music collection somewhere, thanks to occasional friend of the blog Stronger Than Dirt Pete Moss.

Sally: Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears do battle in a game that will mathematically eliminate one or both teams in the third week of the season.

Bears vs. Jaguars: 10-16-2016

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. This pre-game show is being written as the Captain Redbeard Bears Tailgate Extravamaganza begins episode 2 of its ongoing series of watching the Cubs post-season play while occasionally commenting on the Bears. We will be observing innings 5 and 6 of NLCS game 1 against the Los Angeles Dodgers. Where are we watching this, everybody? The Ground Round? Wag’s? Do those places even exist anymore?

So…the Bears face off against the Jacksonville Jaguars after a forgettable loss against the Indianapolis Colts. Will the Bears be able to recapture a television audience once the Cubs complete their quest for a World Series championship? Or will there be yet another opening for yet another comic book based TV series on Netflix?

Sally: Enrique Hernandez lines out sharply to shortstop Addison Russell.

Des: To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Ungalunga” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae MacGillicutty, Drunky McDumbAss, and football’s answer to Charlie Brown, Coach Marc Trestman.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Deep within this ancient mariner’s heart lies the hope that all the celebrities attending tonight’s Cubs game will sing a 10 minute long version of “We Are the World” during the 7^th inning stretch. ‘Twould truly be a most memorable sea chanty.

Sally: Joc Peterson bunt grounds out to third baseman Kris Bryant to first baseman Anthony Rizzo. Pinch-hitter Andre Ethier replaces Kenta Maeda.

Modre: When ancient curses die upon the lathe of the Coke bottle Malcolm X glasses of tomorrow’s retro style councils, who will remain to taste the remaining ash can Budweiser of a thousand Harry Caray statues clapping and singing a tune that can never die?

Sally: I don’t know. Drunky McDumbAss? Andre Ethier homers on a fly ball to left center field.

Drunky: Having been banned for life from all of Wrigleyville, I’m watching tonight’s deep within a Trump rally in New Hampshire.

Sally: Again with the Trump reference. Howie Kendrick grounds out to shortstop Addison Russell to first baseman Anthony Russell, which ends the top of the fifth inning.

Concord: Nate Silver gives Clinton an 85.5% chance of winning this election, up 4% from last week. There may still be 4 or 5 people left in America who Trump hasn’t personally insulted or sued yet. Go Trump!

Sally: The bottom of the fifth inning begins with a pitching change. Pedro Baez replaces Kenta Maeda, batting 9^th, replacing Andre Ethier

Prissy Minion: Kenda? As in Joe Kenda, of Homicide Hunter fame? His rich baritone reminds me of your singing voice, Des. Or Leonard Nimoy’s.

Sally: Kris Bryant walks.

Ellie Mae: I support Trump because he will pardon the cast of Duck Dynasty for crimes they are likely to commit in the future.

Sally: Anthony Rizzo strikes out swinging.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Forget what I said about Chicago celebrities performing We Are the World. For my Chum Bucket list, I would like to see Chicago’s Finest sing a medley of all the classic sea-chanties: Donovan’s Atlantis, Grand Funk Railroad’s I’m Your Captain, Adam Ant’s Jolly Roger…

Sally: Wait. Wouldn’t a Chum Bucket List be a list of things you would want to avoid in life at all costs? We should perhaps explore this concept in our New Year’s Eve episode. Ben Zobrist pops out to third baseman Justin Turner.

Trestman: Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho! The Toronto Blue Jays will be Canada’s revenge against American baseball. Also, we have already sealed our border to prevent the escape of Trump-related refugees. I leave it to you, the audience, to determine what I am darkly referring to.

Sally: Addison Russell strikes out, which retires the side.

Sally: And we begin the sixth inning.

Ellie Mae: Hillary Clinton had John Lennon killed so she could have Yoko all to herself.

Sally: That was delightfully random. Justin Turner flies out to right fielder Jason Heyward.

Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRHHHHHHH! I have expanded my list of demands to the 7^th inning stretch singers to include the Gilligan’s Island and Love Boat themes.

Sally: Yasiel Puig grounds out to first baseman Anthony Rizzo to pitcher John Lester. And that retires the side! Cubs still up 3-1.

Sally: And we are back at the bottom of the sixth. After hearing Just the Two of Us and If You Want to Sing Out, Sing Out being used in commercials, are there any good songs that haven’t been strip mined by Madison Avenue?

Modre: It’s Halloween, by the Shaggs? Oh, wait. I think I heard that on an M & M’s commercial.

Sally: Jason Heyward flies out to left fielder Howie Kendrick.

Sally: Javier Baez doubles on a line drive to right fielder Yasiel Puig.

Drunky: Shouldn’t the horrible Buster Posey commercials end when his team is knocked out of the playoffs?

Sally: David Ross strikes out swinging. Pinch-hitter Jorge Soler replaces Jon Lester.

Prissy Minion: I thoroughly enjoy the complete lack of connection between the events of the Cubs game and the random comments of our sports panel. Truly, Des, this is the Scarborough Fair/Canticle of comedy, in that it’s an unintentional critique of the Vietnam War.

Sally: Soler grounds out, which ends the 6^th inning, and also concludes our appearance on the Bears pre-game show. End transmission.

Bears vs. Seahawks: 12-2-2012

BEARS VS. SEAHAWKS: 12-2-2012


Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Seahawks after a mighty drubbing of the Minnesota Vikings. Will the Bears build on this triumph to shellac another hapless team, or will this prove to be a trap game that results in every franchise Bears player getting injured? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Sea Doggie Dogg” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, Sally McChesty, and Mr. 0.5 himself, Drunky McDumbAss.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Much like last week, ye might falsely assume that I’d be blindly supporting the Seahawks, because they have the word “sea” as part of their name, and so I’d spasmodically slap my one good hand into me hook like a seal flapping its flippers, but, nay! There be nothing I can support about Seattle other than it’s presumably an easy town for ocean-based looting if the stereotypes about lethargic, apathetic Seattle grunge slackers from the 1990s still ring true today, like the music of Soundgarden still serves as me person anthem! There be nothing wrong about songs that sound like 6 to 10 minutes of just… intro! That be how I drove many coastal towns into surrender, by just parking a fleet of ships proudly waving the Jolly Roger, and staring menacingly at the land-lubbers until they’d give into our demands just to make us leave. That and playing Soundgarden loudly through our concert stadium speakers for 96 consecutive hours. Speaking of Bears football, which I started talking about when I first opened this case of Jamaican rum, which I’m just now finishing… uh, anyway… that’s what the Bears defense needs to win, an endless loop of Soundgarden, which is itself an endless loop, so you have a nice exponential multiplier effect of despair happening… but there’s probably a pretty substantial penalty for this musical crime against humanity, like a 50 fathom penalty, and an automatic keel-hauling.

Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s game?

CWP: Well, Des, the Seahawks have the strong cornerback duo of Richard Sherman and Brandon Bower, Matt Forte’s ankle is still banged up, and Jay Cutler is under the pitiless glare of the media spotlight. That said, the Bears will still emerge on top 58-10 at the end of the first quarter.

Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things going in tailgate land?

DMD: Des, I just spent the night shirtless while two men flanked me on both sides yelling insults at me, wiping me down while I’m eating painfully hot wings and knocking back some smooth drinking Bud Light, but I’m 100% hetero. There’s nothing wrong with a little manly humiliation. Just ask my imaginary ex-girlfriend.

Des: So, wait, Drunky… the best you can imagine for yourself is an ex-girlfriend?

DMD: I have self-esteem issues.

Des: Sally McChesty, we sent you down to a “Toys for Tots” event featuring former NFL legend Ron Shambles. How did it go?

SMC: Usually, Des, there’s nothing like a good Christmas-oriented photo op of yourself giving gifts to children to wipe away the normally indelible stains of one’s numerous crimes against property, basic human decency, and war orphans. Unless you go on a steroid fueled rampage and use your size 20 work boots to grind into dust some action figures of your own teammates. Which is what Ron Shambles did today at the Ronald McDonald House.

Des: Modre. Would you like to chime in here?

Modre: Are you referring to the “clanging chimes of doom” mentioned in your holiday flavor-ite Do They Know it’s Christmas? To answer that question, Des, I know all too well, my unenlightened yuletide besotted friend. All too well.

Des: Prissy Minion. What chalkboard-scraping praise do you have to bestow upon me this first weekend of December?

PM: Des, your Christmas episodes bring you to the depths of George Bailey on the bridge, Charlie Brown’s dead tree, shunned Rudolph, dead Tiny Tim, and melted Frosty sadness, but then bring us back to the joyous heights of Zu-Zu’s petals, Linus’s blanket, Santa’s acceptance (because Rudolph was briefly useful), the winter breeze that restored Frosty, and naked dancing Scrooge. You breathe new life into a depleted Christmas genre.

Des: Wait... naked, dancing Scrooge? I’ll have to think about, and then repress, that for a while… sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game as magical as Bad Santa. And I mean that with no trace of irony.

Bears vs. 49ers: 11-19-2012

BEARS VS. 49ERS: 11-19-12

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. Backup quarterback Jason Campbell and the Bears face a baptism of fire against one of the league’s best defenses after last week’s baptism of… water in the form of a torrential downpour, which, I guess, is a more traditional baptism… uh, anyway... Will Jason Campbell provide adequate support to a mighty defense and special teams, or will the march to the Superbowl end in a march to an 8-8 record? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Kidney Stone” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Now that it be November 19th and the starting quarterbacks of both the Bears and 49ers are out this game, it be time to revisit my prediction from week one that “all of Sunday’s quarterbacks throughout the NFL will have a career-ending injury by the middle of October”. My prognostication was only off by a matter of degree, much like the Mayan apocalyptic prophesy only turned out to be Hurricane Sandy, and “Red Dawn” turned out to be the re-election of Barack Obama.

Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s game?

CWP: Well, Des, the Bears are 11-5 when they play with their starting quarterback and 97-312 when they play with their backup quarterback. That joke never gets old.

Des: Or any less true. Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things going in tailgate land?

DMD: Since 2008, Des, I’ve worn a Bears jersey on which I’ve added the name of each quarterback who’s played for the Bears. That jersey now stretches from Soldier Field to Bourbonnais.

Des: Hey, that’s the Bears practice field near Kankakee! Awesome! Sally McChesty, what are your thoughts?

SMC: Des, we all wish a speedy recovery for The Coach, but have you ever noticed that, in recent commercials, Mike Ditka looks like an overweight Stan Lee?

PM: Des?

Des: Prissy Minion. Welcome back. What bizarre praise do you have to lavish upon me?

PM: Des, your broadcasts are like Charlie Brown kicking the football: Horribly predictable, but they still bring a smile to my face every time.

Des: Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will provide everything and more you can expect from NFL football. Or you can watch the “director’s cut” version of A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving where the Peanuts gang end up on the Mayflower and most of the incomprehensible-speaking adults at Plymouth Plantation die of starvation and disease… I’m not making this up, by the way. Watch it yourself!

Bears vs. Seahawks: 1-16-11

BEARS VS. SEAHWAKS: 1-16-11

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football postseason pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Seattle Seahawks, whose shocking victory against last year’s Super-bowl champion is already the stuff of legends. Will the Seahawks continue their magical, Caddyshack-esque Cinderella story? Or will the Bears crush their dreams to powder, like Lucy Van Pelt does to poor old Charlie Brown, then turns around to offer “tough love” therapy, presaging TV psychologist Dr. Phil by four decades? To untangle these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody; Captain Silas Charles "Pig-Pen" Redbeard; Modre the trans-Western mystic; the Prissy Minion; and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunk McDumb-Ass.

SR: ARRRRRGGGHHHHH, mateys! Well, the Bears have trouble everywhere ye turn: Poor pass protection, questionable decision making by Jay Cutler, a Seattle quarterback that has torched more post-season defenses than me naval barrage against coastal cities that refused to submit to me very reasonable demands for 200 tons of gold… where was I? Anyway, that being said, I still foresee the Bears winning by 17 points.

Des: Thank you, Captain. Modre, what wisdom do you have for us?

Modre: Paulo Coelho once said, “Whoever you are, or whatever it is that you do, when you really want something, it's because that desire originated in the sound of the universe.” Unless that sound is a Whitesnake song, in which case I would listen to something else first, before making any life-changing decisions.

Des: Concord Peabody, what's your Victory Factor for today’s Bears game?

CP: Des, if you multiply the number of tackles by Julius Peppers and Brian Urlacher by the number of passing yards by Jay Cutler and then divide that by the number of jokes Jay Leno and David Letterman still make about Seattle weather and the “grunge” scene, you get a Victory Factor of 113.4, which, if you type that number into your calculator, and turn it upside-down, equals bad news for the Seahawks.

Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things in Tailgate Land?

DMD: Well, Des, for once I’m going against the advice of a beer commercial and will continue to wear my dragon-print jacket. It hurts no one!

Des: Prissy Minion, how do you want to finish this off?

PM: Oh, Des. Your Bears football post is like a flashlight with a dying battery… it’s just bright enough to scare you, but not light enough to keep you from bumping into things.

Des: Sit back and watch in front of your fake gas fireplace as the Bears face off in a match that will either make Chicagoans forget the pain of horribly overpriced parking, or serve as Frances Farmer’s revenge on Chicago.

Bears vs. Rams: 12-6-09

BEARS VS. RAMS: 12-6-09

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Rams in the first game that has not been nationally televised in a month. Will the Bears take the opportunity to rebuild under the radar? Or will St. Louis accidently lose the draft pick race to Cleveland and Tampa Bay?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “the Walrus” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and avatar of Christmas cheer, Santa Claus.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Allow me to pour a 40 ounce bottle of rum on the curb for me fallen brethren of the skull and crossbones who were recently captured by the Dutch Navy. Who even knew those wooden shoe wearing tulip eaters even had a navy? Anyway, the Bears should use the “Hardtack Defense”, a defense that’s bland and flavorless, but is hard and unyielding. Just don’t dip it in coffee, or “the black awakening”, as we in the pirate profession like to call it.

Des: Yeah, thanks, Captain. Modre. What should the Bears do?

Modre: French Classical Writer Francois De La Rochefoucauld once said, “Usually we praise only to be praised.” That said, Des, you are a comedic genius.

Des: I offer nothing in return. Santa Claus. Your thoughts about the Bears.

Santa: Oh, ho, ho, ho! Bears fans will receive a Christmas gift that Ron Turner will not enjoy.

Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this?

PM: Oh, Des. As British Sportsman Writer Charles Caleb Colton once said, “When millions applaud you seriously ask yourself what harm you have done; and when they disapprove you, what good.” Think about that, won’t you?

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by "V: the Visitors", which was pre-empted by a Charlie Brown Christmas, which was, in turn interrupted by President Obama. Like the Visitors, Obama is also “of peace… always.”

Bears vs. Lions: 11-2-08

BEARS VS. LIONS: 11-2-08

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions after defeating them four weeks ago. Will Detroit learn any lessons from their endless defeats? Or will the Lions have reason to fear the name “Neckbeard”?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Hussein Obama Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! The mariner’s curse will finally be lifted on one of the NFL’s two winless teams. ‘Twill be the Cincinnati Bengals defeating the Jacksonville Jags! The Detroit Lions will find no respite today or any other day this season!

Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?

CP: Well, the Bears are 22-1 when they play against teams with a feline name. Except for their embarrassing loss to the Libertyville High School football Wildcats in 1997. That was a bad year.

Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: I’ve been crying lately, thinking about the world as it is.

Des: Well, when you’re standing at the edge of darkness, there rides the Peace Train. If you’re listening, Michael Savage, when Obama becomes President, your show will be replaced with an endless loop of “Peace Train” while illegal immigrants are destroying your borders, language, and culture. Try to sleep on that, won’t you? Albert Einstein. Pierce through the veil of falsehood for us.

AE: Guten tag, mein lutefisk. "Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods." Once again, I’m looking at you, Joe Buck.
Des: Prissy Minion. What now?

PM: Oh, Des. Have you ever watched the “Snoopy vs. the Red Baron” scene of “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown” while listening to “Goodbye, Blue Sky” by Pink Floyd? It’s magic!

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a match that will combine the renewal of faith in democracy that comes from Halloween with the terror that comes from Election Day!