Bears vs. 49ers: 11-19-2012

BEARS VS. 49ERS: 11-19-12

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. Backup quarterback Jason Campbell and the Bears face a baptism of fire against one of the league’s best defenses after last week’s baptism of… water in the form of a torrential downpour, which, I guess, is a more traditional baptism… uh, anyway... Will Jason Campbell provide adequate support to a mighty defense and special teams, or will the march to the Superbowl end in a march to an 8-8 record? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Kidney Stone” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Now that it be November 19th and the starting quarterbacks of both the Bears and 49ers are out this game, it be time to revisit my prediction from week one that “all of Sunday’s quarterbacks throughout the NFL will have a career-ending injury by the middle of October”. My prognostication was only off by a matter of degree, much like the Mayan apocalyptic prophesy only turned out to be Hurricane Sandy, and “Red Dawn” turned out to be the re-election of Barack Obama.

Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s game?

CWP: Well, Des, the Bears are 11-5 when they play with their starting quarterback and 97-312 when they play with their backup quarterback. That joke never gets old.

Des: Or any less true. Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things going in tailgate land?

DMD: Since 2008, Des, I’ve worn a Bears jersey on which I’ve added the name of each quarterback who’s played for the Bears. That jersey now stretches from Soldier Field to Bourbonnais.

Des: Hey, that’s the Bears practice field near Kankakee! Awesome! Sally McChesty, what are your thoughts?

SMC: Des, we all wish a speedy recovery for The Coach, but have you ever noticed that, in recent commercials, Mike Ditka looks like an overweight Stan Lee?

PM: Des?

Des: Prissy Minion. Welcome back. What bizarre praise do you have to lavish upon me?

PM: Des, your broadcasts are like Charlie Brown kicking the football: Horribly predictable, but they still bring a smile to my face every time.

Des: Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will provide everything and more you can expect from NFL football. Or you can watch the “director’s cut” version of A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving where the Peanuts gang end up on the Mayflower and most of the incomprehensible-speaking adults at Plymouth Plantation die of starvation and disease… I’m not making this up, by the way. Watch it yourself!