BEARS VS. TITANS: 11-4-12
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Tennessee Titans after a dangerously close game against the Carolina Panthers. Will the Bears manage to squeeze out another win against another lackluster team? Or will the Bears’ offensive woes, defensive miscues, and erratic field goal kicking create another October Surprise... in November? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “My Pal Foot-Foot” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! As the dark stormy clouds of the presidential electoral stormageddon hang heavily over us all, land-lubber and ocean warrior alike, let me take a moment to cackle with super-villain glee over the realization that, no matter who wins or loses, somebody is about to blow a billion dollars on a presidential campaign with nothing to show for it. AH, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HAAAAAA!!!!!!!! There be not a waste of money of this magnitude since I bought the complete set of statues of Lenin and Stalin from the former Warsaw Pact countries in 1989… if only I’d waited until their economies collapsed 20 years later! Parenthetically, Bears win 13-7.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s game?
CWP: Well, Des, Cutler tends to rely too heavily on Brandon Marshall, Cutler’s been sacked 25 times this season, and Matt Hasselbeck can occasionally be a good quarterback. That said, the Bears will still win 49 to 47… which will be the margin of victory for Obama versus Romney with 4% going to the Libertarian candidate. Who is it this time? Geddy Lee?
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things going in tailgate land?
DMD: Last night was Daylight Stealing Time, which, for me, means an extra hour of drinking. Which is why I’m at Fargo, North Dakota, instead of Nashville for today’s Bears game.
Des: Modre, what are your thoughts?
Modre: I don’t think, Des. I am merely a conduit of cosmic consciousness, a loudspeaker, if you will, that blurts out whatever bursts forth from its eternal wisdom-- or a mélange of random words, take your pick. But remember, your opinion of my genius reveals the depth of your own insight. By which I mean, if you disagree with me, you are an ignorant bore who believes that pointing the label of your Bud Light toward the TV will cause the kicker to score a field goal-- or Mitt Romney to get elected. Besides, the truly learned ones know that it is naught but Coors Lite which has the level of dark alchemy needed to bend reality to your will.
Des: Sally McChesty, we dispatched you to New York and New Jersey to serve as a goodwill ambassador to the victims of Hurricane Sandy. How is that going so far?
SMC: Des, they were none too happy with you trying to dump your Cade McNown and Rex Grossman jerseys on them. But they felt a little better after they siphoned the gas from my SUV and left me stranded in Hoboken.
Des: Say “hi” to They Might Be Giants for me. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game chock full of election commercials that will be immediately replaced by Christmas ads come Wednesday.
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It was a decent enough display by the Bears, but nothing compared to the performance by the Northern Illinois University Huskies yesterday, who defeated the University of Massachusetts 63 to zero.
Take that, Taxachussetts!
Perhaps this can be considered a sign in the tea leaves as to what is going to happen in the little contest between the former senator from Illinois and the former governor from Massachusetts. Only time and perhaps several congressional inquiries into voting machine fraud will tell.
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