Bears vs. Panthers: 10-28-12

BEARS VS. PANTHERS: 10-28-12

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Carolina Panthers and the whiniest quarterback since… Jay Cutler. Will the Bears play four solid quarter of football, minus a scary last two minutes of regulation? Or will Panthers’ quarterback Cam Newton experience a redemption not seen since… Jay Cutler? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Woodsy Owl” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Last game, the Bears nearly collapsed from exhaustion in the last two minutes of the game. What must they do to revitalize themselves down the stretch? Forget your land-lubbing remedies of Red Bull, 5 Hour Energy Drinks, or crystal meth. Forget even the powerful stimulant khat used by the modern-day Somali pirates. Floggings, floggings, floggings be the answer to heightened alertness. Whether it be a cat o’ nine tails, or a savage peg-leg beating, nothing revives the dragging soul like a whipping.

Des: Drunky McDumbAss. What’s happening in tailgate land?

DMD: Well, Des, either I passed out and woke up at a Raiders game again, or Bears fans are celebrating Halloween a little bit early this year. I’m seeing a lot of either Paul Ryan or that one guy from Fox Sports… is it Joe Buck?

Des: Sally McChesty. How did your interview with Cam Newton go?

SMC: Predictably annoying, as always. Actually, Des, while he was blathering on about something inconsequential, I was turning my thoughts to the Bears problems with focus during the last two minutes of the game, and I came up with a new drink called “Hyper-Maniacal Focus Factor Mark XII.” I consumed it myself shortly before this interview, and I can actually hear my fingernails growing! Maybe I should dial down the amount of Dimethylbarbituanoloxymandilase in my next batch.

Des: I don’t know, Sally, it sounds like you might have just invented another printing press of money based on human misery. Speaking of which, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will serve as a backdrop to a future flashback of 2012, featuring Hurricane Sandy, Obama and Romney, and the Mayan apocalypse.