Redbeard: Of which I have more than a passing interest, mateys! For once.
Des: Indeed. The Bears have carved a niche for themselves as the team that scares their opponents in the fourth quarter without actually beating them. Will this trend continue against their former mentor Lovie Smith, much as some Force Awakens character does against its clumsy analog to Ben Kenobi? Or will the Bears begin their assent to greatness by jettisoning whatever their version of Jar Jar Binks is? (A hint: Their analog better not be Matt Forte). Or will the Bears continue to get breaks that negate costly turnovers that are magically transformed into Bears first downs, and subsequently touchdowns?
Des: To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: But first... Bears get up to the 2 yard line of Tampa Bay based on a pass interference call against the Bucs. And now the Bears have a touchdown to tie things up.
Redbeard: Aye. Pass interference be a major flaw that afflicts all of us of the Brotherhood of the Briny Deep, both on and off the water. Once upon a jolly swagman, I remembereth... did Robbie Gould score an extra point?
Des: Yeah, Captain. Your vessel upon which we have inexplicably decided to perform today's play-by-play action does not have Wi-fi that extends to your bathroom, which, for reasons too awful to repeat, is called a "head."
Concord: Bears get a forced fumble, demonstrating what we hope is another block of a future mighty defense!
Des: And Concord Peabody demonstrates the limitations of a blog based on a "Live" transmission of an NFL game using a "Several Tiers Under Platinum Data Plan." Somehow we jump from the Bears scoring a touchdown directly to the Buccaneers turning over the ball at mid-field. Let's return to game somewhere in progress.
Sally: Des, this play is third and brutally short for the Bears and Chicago earns a first day... which is awesome, because it prevents me from making a clumsy height joke about Captain Redbeard. Meanwhile, the Bears plow down to the Buccaneers' 22 yard line. Now they are within the Bucs' "Red Zone."
Modre: The Bears make their way to the "Dr. Pepper Red Zone." As an obscurantist, I prefer to think of it as the "Mr. Pibb Red Zone."
Des: Or the "Diet Rite Red Zone."
Concord: While you guys are busy making dumb references to long deceased colas, the Bears had to settle for a field goal. Nonetheless, Bears lead 10-7 with 3 minutes left in the first half!
Des: So... even though there is almost no time left, let's finish our intro: To answer these and similar.. events (?)... is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody...
Sally: And the game resumes with Tampa Bay's offense taking the field. Eddie Goldman gets a really important sack against Tampa Bay's quarterback at a crucial fourth down, which calls forth the 2 minute warning. Now for some really ridiculous background music if you are listening to this game via the NFL app on a "smart" phone.
Des: ..is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles "Darth Hideous" Redbeard...
Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRHHHHHH, mateys. Be ye really entrusted with so much time that we can cram in multiple Star Wars references?
Sally: Bears get to the 24 yard line with a minute left in the half... and now they are at the 10 yard line with 30 seconds to go, and they take a time out. Then Cutler throws incomplete... now he completes a pass to Royal for a five yard gain, they call another time out.
Sally: Five yard penalty against the Bears for a false star penalty. This will cost them the run, probably.
Sally: Incomplete pass to the end zone to Eddie Royal in the end zone... very catchable.
Des: So the Bears go into halftime with a 13-7 lead... let's add the voices of Ellie Mae MacGillicutty, Prissy Minion, and Drunky McDumbAss as we wrap things up.
Ellie: Well, Des, to transition from football to Trump, let's think about your worst nightmare, which used to be that a hillbilly sheriff from my stomping grounds of the ultra-deep south would become the Republican nominee. How does it feel to see your stereotype of me being embodied by a New Yorker who might be your next president?
Des: Yeah, until now I never really saw the 2016 race as a possible clash between two New York natives, and that one would be a transplanted Arkansan who would be considered the more liberal of the two. Thanks for depressing me further, Ellie Mae. Prissy Minion. Make me feel better about myself, would you?
Prissy: Gladly, Des. Though Yuletide tidings of comfort and joy may be beyond my power as we enter the doldrums between Christmas and New Year's Eve, consider that I, and probably future cultural historians hired by the last humanoids running the Monsanto Corporation, think of this blog as one whose copious servings of play-by-excitement, Star Wars references, and oblique Donald Trump commentary yield a rich concoction of flavorful delight-ment that are both good and good for you.
Des: Okay. Drunky McDumbAss. Were you responsible for Prissy Minion's previous comments.
Drunky: Maybe. Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears continue this game in the second half at your favorite Chinese restaurant's bar region over a scorpion bowl or twelve.
