Bears vs. Buccaneers: 12-21-2015

Des: Welcome to a one of a handful of editions of the Chicago Bears football play-by-play (more or less) show of the second quarter of the Bears/Buccaneers game.

Redbeard: Of which I have more than a passing interest, mateys! For once.

Des: Indeed. The Bears have carved a niche for themselves as the team that scares their opponents in the fourth quarter without actually beating them. Will this trend continue against their former mentor Lovie Smith, much as some Force Awakens character does against its clumsy analog to Ben Kenobi? Or will the Bears begin their assent to greatness by jettisoning whatever their version of Jar Jar Binks is? (A hint: Their analog better not be Matt Forte). Or will the Bears continue to get breaks that negate costly turnovers that are magically transformed into Bears first downs, and subsequently touchdowns?

Des: To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: But first... Bears get up to the 2 yard line of Tampa Bay based on a pass interference call against the Bucs. And now the Bears have a touchdown to tie things up.

Redbeard: Aye. Pass interference be a major flaw that afflicts all of us of the Brotherhood of the Briny Deep, both on and off the water. Once upon a jolly swagman, I remembereth... did Robbie Gould score an extra point?

Des: Yeah, Captain. Your vessel upon which we have inexplicably decided to perform today's play-by-play action does not have Wi-fi that extends to your bathroom, which, for reasons too awful to repeat, is called a "head." 

Concord: Bears get a forced fumble, demonstrating what we hope is another block of a future mighty defense!

Des: And Concord Peabody demonstrates the limitations of a blog based on a "Live" transmission of an NFL game using a "Several Tiers Under Platinum Data Plan." Somehow we jump from the Bears scoring a touchdown directly to the Buccaneers turning over the ball at mid-field. Let's return to game somewhere in progress.

Sally: Des, this play is third and brutally short for the Bears and Chicago earns a first day... which is awesome, because it prevents me from making a clumsy height joke about Captain Redbeard. Meanwhile, the Bears plow down to the Buccaneers' 22 yard line. Now they are within the Bucs' "Red Zone."

Modre: The Bears make their way to the "Dr. Pepper Red Zone." As an obscurantist, I prefer to think of it as the "Mr. Pibb Red Zone."

Des: Or the "Diet Rite Red Zone."

Concord: While you guys are busy making dumb references to long deceased colas, the Bears had to settle for a field goal. Nonetheless, Bears lead 10-7 with 3 minutes left in the first half!

Des: So... even though there is almost no time left, let's finish our intro: To answer these and similar.. events (?)... is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody...

Sally: And the game resumes with Tampa Bay's offense taking the field. Eddie Goldman gets a really important sack against Tampa Bay's quarterback at a crucial fourth down, which calls forth the 2 minute warning. Now for some really ridiculous background music if you are listening to this game via the NFL app on a "smart" phone.

Des: ..is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles "Darth Hideous" Redbeard...

Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRHHHHHH, mateys. Be ye really entrusted with so much time that we can cram in multiple Star Wars references?

Sally: Bears get to the 24 yard line with a minute left in the half... and now they are at the 10 yard line with 30 seconds to go, and they take a time out. Then Cutler throws incomplete... now he completes a pass to Royal for a five yard gain, they call another time out. 

Sally: Five yard penalty against the Bears for a false star penalty. This will cost them the run, probably. 

Sally: Incomplete pass to the end zone to Eddie Royal in the end zone... very catchable.

Des: So the Bears go into halftime with a 13-7 lead... let's add the voices of Ellie Mae MacGillicutty, Prissy Minion, and Drunky McDumbAss as we wrap things up.

Ellie: Well, Des, to transition from football to Trump, let's think about your worst nightmare, which used to be that a hillbilly sheriff from my stomping grounds of the ultra-deep south would become the Republican nominee. How does it feel to see your stereotype of me being embodied by a New Yorker who might be your next president?

Des: Yeah, until now I never really saw the 2016 race as a possible clash between two New York natives, and that one would be a transplanted Arkansan who would be considered the more liberal of the two. Thanks for depressing me further, Ellie Mae. Prissy Minion. Make me feel better about myself, would you?

Prissy: Gladly, Des. Though Yuletide tidings of comfort and joy may be beyond my power as we enter the doldrums between Christmas and New Year's Eve, consider that I, and probably future cultural historians hired by the last humanoids running the Monsanto Corporation, think of this blog as one whose copious servings of play-by-excitement, Star Wars references, and oblique Donald Trump commentary yield a rich concoction of flavorful delight-ment that are both good and good for you.

Des: Okay. Drunky McDumbAss. Were you responsible for Prissy Minion's previous comments.

Drunky: Maybe. Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears continue this game in the second half at your favorite Chinese restaurant's bar region over a scorpion bowl or twelve.

Bears vs. Raiders: 10-4-2015

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Raiders after a tough loss in which the offense failed to go beyond the 45 yard line for the entire game. With the Bears season being over before it truly began, the only real question is, Will the Cubs surpass the Pirates and play the wild card game at historic Wrigley Field? Or would the North Siders be better served if they played at Pittsburgh and avoided the various curses of Billy Goats, Harry Caray, and a new idiot fan who costs the Cubs the game somehow?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Gargle-licious” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae MacGillicutty, and the man whose intoxicated shamblings were the inspiration for every zombie movie and TV show ever made, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Given that this be Week 4 of the NFL season, just as high tide must follow low tide (although this daily fact of nautical existence continues to surprise me as the sweet kiss of Jamaican rum enfoggens me vision more completely than the thickest cloud bank could e’er enshroud fabled 19^th century London when the fog be truly 90% soot and 10% cholera), now be time for Captain Redbeard’s Chum Bucket of the NFL, the team that will fail to win a single game this season. There be three teams competing for this dubious honor, the New Orleans Saints, and two within the once-mighty NFC North: the Detroit Lions, and, sadly, the Chicago Football Bears, if indeed “football” is the appropriate sport to affix upon this struggling franchise—although “struggling” implies that the team be fighting hard to prevent its dark fate—but I repeatedly digress to keep the pain at bay. As me numerous disparaging remarks imply, ‘tis me sad duty to inform you the listener/reader/impressed midshipman that, for the first time in the lost eternity in which I have delivered Bears pre-contest coverage, I foresee Chicago as the team to go winless. Any captain whose command of the obvious includes “We need to generate more than zero points to win games, there's no doubt" be one who has already lost command of his vessel.

Des: That is bad news, Captain. Although last year’s Chum Bucket, the Jacksonville Jaguars, were not the worst team in the NFL, they only won three games; nothing to be proud of. And your 2013 Chum Bucket, Washington, also was only the second-worst team, also with a 3-13 record.

Redbeard: Aye, Des. Me Curse of the Crimson Beard Stubble is actually worse than an 0-16 record, for a 3-13 record deprives ye of a decent draft pick. Sorry, everybody.

Des: This is even more depressing than usual. Transitioning from one miserable alcoholic to another, would you welcome: Drunky McDumbAss, a.k.a. W.C. Fields without the comedy, which, I guess would make you Andy Capp. Here’s a fun fact: Andy Capp is shorthand for “handicap”, which makes his cheddar fries a horrible, horrible symbol of intolerance. Drunky, why don’t you enjoy those barely edible hate crimes at Fed Ex Field while watching the Washington Football Team Whose Name Must Not Be Spoken by Anyone Born After 1990?

Drunky: When you say “hate crime”, Des, do you mean a hate crime against my digestive system? Because I’ve already got that covered by decades of non-stop binge drinking.

Des: Drunky, doesn’t “binge drinking” imply that there are periods of time when you stop drinking?

Drunky: That’s very hurtful, Des. Not just to me, but to the entire Alcoholic-American community.

Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

Concord: While I’m not encouraged by the prospect of our starting quarterback being someone whose last name is “Fales”, I have to believe that the Oakland Raiders will go back to being the gift that keeps on giving to their opponents. Bears win 9-0 on the mighty leg of Robbie Gould as a rejuvenated Bears “D” will put the offense on the Raiders’ 20 yard line repeatedly—and the offense will lose 15 to 20 yards every time. The Bears’ key to victory will be a defense that gains more yards off of turnovers than all 20 quarterbacks the Bears audition this Sunday—the Bears quarterback carousel will feature everyone who sang “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” at Wrigley this year in hopes that some of the magic will rub off.

Des: This episode is surprisingly heavy on the football. Modre, would you delightfully distract us from our football doldrums with some Donald Trump?

Modre: “The bewilderbeest that fumbles through the darkest of the unseen light that bursts through the barrel of a water gun filled to bursting with the angry tears of tomorrow’s lumberjack maven—this, this be the one to lead ye to parts once unknown now uncomprehended. This, this be the one who wears the crown of would-be Putin-esque despotism most uneasily.” This, this be the one tagged by the future Facebook imperfect of history as “Joe Don Baker Trump.”

Des: That’s cleansing the palate with an SOS pad. Prissy Minion. Engage.

Prissy Minion: As the Founding Father of Casio Tone Nation, you, more than anyone, must appreciate the re-emergence and subsequent collapse of all that was once late 20^th century mainstays, especially the Bush and Clinton dynasties.

Des: Donald Trump may yet prove to be the 1980s most evil revenge.

Des: Ellie Mae McGillicutty. What southern fried wisdom do you have for us today?

Ellie Mae: Des, last week, you used me as a puppet to mock the NFC South, but, in reality, the NFC South has two undefeated teams while your North division has two teams that have yet to feel victory’s sweet embrace? Who’s laughing now?

Des: Not anyone who has watched the Carl’s Jr. Tex-Mex commercial.

Sally: While forced topic transitions are your bread and butter, your mission statement, your comedic raison d’etre, if you will, that Carl’s Jr. reference was a masterpiece in contortion comedy.

Des: Doctor Sally McChesty. Would you clump and seal this episode?

Sally: As long as I’m not the one cleaning out this metaphorical catbox. Sit back and watch sports fans, as the Bears play against the only team they might have a chance of beating this season. That’s right, Captain, I’m mocking your beloved Raiders. Or better yet, the Cubs are on at 2:10. Go watch them.

Bears vs Cardinals: 9-20-2015

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Cardinals after a loss that enabled the Monsters of the Midway to experience less shame. We’re not quite up to “pride” yet. Will the Bears continue their glacial rebuilding with Robbie Gould’s mighty leg, a defense that can keep opponents under 20 points, and a coach who can keep Cutler down to one game-changing interception per outing? Or will today’s game provide late morning entertainment to the home team fans watching their local heroes battle it out while enjoying a senior citizens’ discount at the Golden Corral buffet?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “the Floronic Man” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae MacGillicutty, and scorpion bowl casualty, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Before I unscroll me Treasure Map to the Super Bowl, I have to ask: Why “the Floronic Man” Redbeard? Usually I ignore the obscure cultural references ye pointlessly tack onto me name, but this be a new low, even for you: Why would my nickname be the least popular supervillain of the least popular DC Comics—let’s call him a “character”, the word “super-hero” doesn’t really fit--Swamp Thing?

Des: That question answers itself, doesn’t it?

Redbeard: No.

Des: Okay, then.

Des: Redbeard, don’t you have some sort of map you were going to tell us about?

Redbeard: Yes, with the latitudes and the longitudes and the what have you. Also sexy drawings of mermaids with enlarged….ahhhhhh…, uh, I mean, ARRRRHHHH!!!

Here be Captain Redbeard’s Treasure Map to the Super-Bowl!!! In the AFC, I foresee the Bills, Bengals, Texans, and Chiefs celebrating divisional championships, whilst the Patriots and Broncos enter the playoffs as wild cards. In the NFC, I envision that the Lions, Eagles, Saints, and Cardinals will dominate their divisions. The Cowboys and Packers will be tainted with the dishonor of entering as wild cards. Tremble with fear as I reveal this startling denouement to the 2015 football season: The Bengals will defeat the Cardinals in the first Super Bowl between two teams who enter with a 7-9 record, whilst the Falcons, with a 13-3 record, won’t even make the playoffs.

Des: Captain, unlike every stock market advice show on CNBC, I have to point out your multitude of errors. Last year, the Cowboys were your only successful pick in the NFC and the Steelers were the only team keeping you from a shutout in the AFC. And your Super Bowl picks? The 49ers were 8-8 and Jim Harbaugh is coaching Michigan, while the Chiefs were only slightly more respectable with a 9-7 record.

Redbeard: Des, ye lugubrious lackey of a land-lubber! I defy ye to find a better sports prognosticator than the “Salty Sea-Dog of Sports.” And I mean I literally defy ye! As in, “If ye touch a key stroke to look this up on Google, I will cut off both your hands with me steely blade and use them on me scary sports Ouija board to pick next week’s winners!”

Des: “Lugubrious?” Are you sure you didn’t mean “glug, glug, glug-ree-us?” By which I mean “Time now for Drunky McDumbAss.” What’s happening out there in Tailgate Land? Or County Jail?

Drunky: Har-de-har-fuck you, Des! I’m doing neither. At this very moment, I’m about to shoot about a dozen or so commercials as the “before” guy for every drug addiction center in the country. USA! USA!

Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

Concord: Well, Des, the order of operations that sorts out what teams win and what obsessive-compulsive mathematical card-counting jerk beats me every year in what some call a “Fantasy Football League”, but for me is nothing but an endless nightmare of heartbreak and bankruptcy, uh, would tend to tell you that the Bears should lose, but for me, who picks teams with my heart and therefore creates a pot of gold for gamblers with some sort of reality-based strategy, I say: Bears win: 45-7!

Des: Wow. That’s really bringing you down to Des-boy McGillicutty and Drunky McDumbAss level as the panelists with the most depressing existence. Modre. This year’s retooling of your character has you commenting on Donald Trump’s presidential campaign. Give it to me, please.

Modre: “He who most loudly denies reality defines reality.” That is either Donald Trump’s campaign slogan or the worst Depeche Mode song ever.

Des: Prissy Minion. Go.

Prissy Minion: Des, your football blog is about more than x’s and o’s, which, when I say it, takes on a totally different meaning. But I digress. No, whenever I read your posts, I hear this wondrous tapestry of ones and zeros crackling over a 1970s phone modem at my public library that I accidently pick up when I’m trying to call my time travelling Uber Taxi only to find Drunky McDumbAss trying to make a few extra bucks in between drive-thru liquor stores.

Des: Prissy, when you make these extended valentines to me, do you just listen to NPR for 90 consecutive hours to extract its pure essence and then scrawl it on a post card?

Prissy Minion: (Taps his nose)

Des: That’s a nice scene from The Trojan Women on the front side of the post card.

Des: Ellie Mae McGillicutty. What southern fried wisdom do you have for us today?

Ellie Mae: Des, I’m tired of your mockery of the sons and daughters of the south. Haven’t you learned anything from famed cartoonist Garry Trudeau, who admonished Charlie Hebdo for “punching down”? Always punch up, Des!

Des: Like Doonesbury in the early 1970s, with Boopsie Boopstein and Rufus “Thor” Jackson?

Des: Speaking of stereotypical eye candy, here’s Sally McChesty. Would you finish this off for us?

Sally: With extreme pleasure, Desikowski. Are there two “r’s” in “harassment”?

Des: It depends on whether you pronounce it “ha-rass-ment” or “hair-rus-ment.”

Bears vs. Jaguars: 10-7-2012

BEARS VS. JAGUARS: 10-7-12


Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Jacksonville Jags after a stunning victory against the Dallas Cowboys. Will the Bears strengthen their foundation built upon a mighty defense scoring numerous touchdowns, the golden leg of Robbie Gould, and the acceptable arm of Jay Cutler? Or will Jags quarterback Blaine Gabbert suddenly find that the key to offensive success is to throw to receivers whose jerseys most resemble your own? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Freak on a Leash” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and sonic ear candy, Sally McChesty.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Come join me, won’t you, as I reveal the most horrible team in the NFL: ‘Tis the returning NFL referees! I had salted away many an ill-gotten treasure by making truly random bets only made viable by the incompetence of the replacement refs! Now I have nothing to hang me badly rotting peg-leg on!

Des: Uh, thank you, Captain, for that disturbing image. Modre, what are your haphazard musings this week?

Modre: The Bears will continue to make ripples in the football ether. So says my piercing vision unveiled in pools of Ripple and clouds of ether.

Des: Concord Peabody. What sequence of numbers will you clumsily wield this week?

CP: Des, the Jaguars’ season is on the line and they may try bold experimentation against the Bears. Unfortunately, by the third quarter, that “bold experimentation” might include “going for it” on every fourth down, and/or doing “on side” kicks randomly. Bears win 59-2.

Des: Sally McChesty. We dispatched you once again to interview NFL “bad boy” Ron Shambles. According to his publicist, the recent birth of his daughter has really transformed him.

SMC: If, by “transformed”, you mean “made even worse”, then, sure, I’ll go along with that. “Bad boy” doesn’t even begin to describe this awful excuse for what could laughably be called a human being. No, Des, at best, this alleged daughter is a prop, a shield, if you will, to hide the fact that his massive steroid use has not only made him incapable of human interaction that doesn’t end in multiple fractures and multi-million dollar property damage, but has also rendered him more sterile than the Mars Curiosity Rover.

Des: Oh, my. Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that can’t possibly be less exciting than the Obama-Romney debate. Although that might be setting the bar really, really low. And that would include replay review after every play, and non-stop badinage of a broadcast team made of Cris Collinsworth, Joe Buck, and Dan Dierdorf.