BEARS VS. PACKERS: 9-25-11
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers after a difficult loss to the New Orleans Saints. Will the Bears recover from this second episode defeat to win their third game, much like Luke Skywalker’s rebels rallied after the tragedies of the second Star Wars movie to defeat the evil emperor in episode three? Or will the Bears suffer a horrible, yet cuddly death, like the Ewoks and Jar Jar Binks?
PM: Oh, Des, far be it for me, your biggest—and only—fan to poke holes in your comedy, but weren’t the Ewoks and Jar Jar among the winners in the various Star Wars trilogies? And weren’t The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi technically episodes five and six? And were the rebels really Luke Skywalker’s rebels, or were they really more of a loose collection that didn’t really follow a charismatic leader? Unless you count Princess Leia, which I don’t.
Des: So, what, Prissy, are you trying to expand your character from creepy stalker to sci-fi nerd? I don’t recall approving that at our pre-show meeting!
Anyway--- to answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Darth Hideous” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Amazon warrior Wonder Woman.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Jay Cutler has taken more of a beating than the Spanish Armada did against the English in the naval Battle of Gravelines, or, to use a more relatable simile, me liver on a Saturday night, or any night of the week, for that matter. What must the Bears offensive line do to improve their protection of their shattered quarterback? Get the offensive line jacked up on an unholy combination of Jamaican rum, and whatever it is those Somali pirates use. What is it, cathinone, or khat? Anyway, Lovie Smith needs to make these changes. Otherwise, the Bears will go through more quarterbacks than Orson Wells plows through courses of a Thanksgiving meal. What? Too soon?
Des: Oh, Captain… Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
CWP: Well, the Bears have already allowed 11 sacks in two games and the Packers have a mighty defense. Also, Aaron Rogers appears unstoppable as a quarterback, and the Bears might be missing running back Marion Barber, safety Chris ¬Harris, guard Lance Louis, receiver Roy Williams and safety Major Wright due to injuries. That said, the Bears will still win 52 to 0.
Des: Modre! What advice do you have for football fans this week?
Modre: T.S. Eliot once said, “The progress of an artist is a continual self-sacrifice, a continual extinction of personality.” By that standard, Dick Jauron should have won 70 Superbowls.
Des: Wonder Woman. What’s your take on football?
WW: Everybody talks about how hot Tom Brady and Tony Romo are, but they’re nothing compared to Steve Trevor.
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. You’re a satisfying answer to a question most people fear to ask.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game brought to you by the font of all union-busting shenanigans, the Koch Brothers, the makers of Quilted Northern Toilet Paper, Angel Soft Toilet Paper, Brawny Paper Towels, Sparkle Paper Towels, Mardi Gras Paper Napkins, Vanity Fair Plates, and Dixie cup products. Remember, folks, if you buy any disposable papery by these jamokes, you’re supporting pure evil. Well, maybe not if you buy Dixie cups. It’s hard to stay mad at those little devils. But the Brawny lumberjack? Don’t turn your back!
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Bears vs. Saints: 9-18-2011
BEARS VS. SAINTS: 9-18-11
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the New Orleans Saints after a convincing drubbing of the Atlanta Falcons. Will the Bears capitalize on this early win to begin the march to the Superbowl left unfinished in 2010? Or will the loss of Brian Urlacher rip the heart out of the Bears, much like the loss of Richie Cunningham tore out the soul of Happy Days?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Bar Sinister” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and feminist icon Wonder Woman.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! If it’s limitless booty ye seek, look nae further than Captain Redbeard’s patented Treasure Map to the Superbowl! ‘Tis an ironclad guarantee of gambling-based wealth. Ye’d think that, as a sailor, I’d know a thing or two about ironclads, yet, ironically, I always found that part of Civil War history to be the most boring. The only thing I like about Civil War naval history is the “Anaconda strategy” because I have no idea what that’s talking about, but coastal cities always give in to my demands when I threaten them with my Anaconda.
Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes… the Treasure Map to the Superbowl! In the AFC, I foresee the Patriots, Ravens, Jaguars, and the Chargers hoisting divisional banners, while the Bengals, and Broncos sneak in as wild cards. In the NFC, I envision the Giants, Bears, Saints, and the Rams standing proud atop the shipwrecked hopes of their divisional rivals, while the Panthers, and Cardinals suffer the endless shame of entering the playoffs as a wild card.
Des: Captain, didn’t the Packers win the Superbowl as a wild card?
SR: And they will live with that shame forever. Prepare yourselves for this shocker: I predict a repeat of Superbowl XX: Bears defeat Patriots, although I predict the victory coming down to a single field goal.
Des: Captain, when I looked over your divisional picks from last year, I couldn’t help but notice that, while you were correct in picking the Eagles, Bears, and Falcons to win their divisions, you were totally wrong about the AFC, and you picked the Jets to beat the Eagles in last year’s Superbowl instead of the Packers beating the Steelers. The only “ironclad” guarantee I’m seeing here is a gambling debt bigger than that proposed by Obama’s new stimulus package.
SR: ARRRH, Des, ye might want to consider givin’ up your day job writing jokes for Fox News.
Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
CWS: Well, the Saints statistically have had a speed advantage at home games, their defense wants to avenge their poor showing against Green Bay last week, and the Saints as a whole seem to have some personal issues against Jay Cutler. That said, the Bears will still win 42 to 7.
Des: Modre. What advice do you have for the Bears this week?
Modre: Albert Einstein once said, “Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal.” No better example of this exists than replay review.
Des: Wonder Woman. What’s your take on today’s game?
WW: It’s so typical for football fans to consider me a “feminist icon”. What next, foxy boxers, mud wresters, and Courtney Love?
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. You exert an unparalleled influence over sports commentary that exists to this day… almost as much as Terry Bradshaw.
Des: Ouch. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will hopefully not result in an Obama-esque squandering of all their considerable advantages.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the New Orleans Saints after a convincing drubbing of the Atlanta Falcons. Will the Bears capitalize on this early win to begin the march to the Superbowl left unfinished in 2010? Or will the loss of Brian Urlacher rip the heart out of the Bears, much like the loss of Richie Cunningham tore out the soul of Happy Days?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Bar Sinister” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and feminist icon Wonder Woman.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! If it’s limitless booty ye seek, look nae further than Captain Redbeard’s patented Treasure Map to the Superbowl! ‘Tis an ironclad guarantee of gambling-based wealth. Ye’d think that, as a sailor, I’d know a thing or two about ironclads, yet, ironically, I always found that part of Civil War history to be the most boring. The only thing I like about Civil War naval history is the “Anaconda strategy” because I have no idea what that’s talking about, but coastal cities always give in to my demands when I threaten them with my Anaconda.
Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes… the Treasure Map to the Superbowl! In the AFC, I foresee the Patriots, Ravens, Jaguars, and the Chargers hoisting divisional banners, while the Bengals, and Broncos sneak in as wild cards. In the NFC, I envision the Giants, Bears, Saints, and the Rams standing proud atop the shipwrecked hopes of their divisional rivals, while the Panthers, and Cardinals suffer the endless shame of entering the playoffs as a wild card.
Des: Captain, didn’t the Packers win the Superbowl as a wild card?
SR: And they will live with that shame forever. Prepare yourselves for this shocker: I predict a repeat of Superbowl XX: Bears defeat Patriots, although I predict the victory coming down to a single field goal.
Des: Captain, when I looked over your divisional picks from last year, I couldn’t help but notice that, while you were correct in picking the Eagles, Bears, and Falcons to win their divisions, you were totally wrong about the AFC, and you picked the Jets to beat the Eagles in last year’s Superbowl instead of the Packers beating the Steelers. The only “ironclad” guarantee I’m seeing here is a gambling debt bigger than that proposed by Obama’s new stimulus package.
SR: ARRRH, Des, ye might want to consider givin’ up your day job writing jokes for Fox News.
Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
CWS: Well, the Saints statistically have had a speed advantage at home games, their defense wants to avenge their poor showing against Green Bay last week, and the Saints as a whole seem to have some personal issues against Jay Cutler. That said, the Bears will still win 42 to 7.
Des: Modre. What advice do you have for the Bears this week?
Modre: Albert Einstein once said, “Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal.” No better example of this exists than replay review.
Des: Wonder Woman. What’s your take on today’s game?
WW: It’s so typical for football fans to consider me a “feminist icon”. What next, foxy boxers, mud wresters, and Courtney Love?
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. You exert an unparalleled influence over sports commentary that exists to this day… almost as much as Terry Bradshaw.
Des: Ouch. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will hopefully not result in an Obama-esque squandering of all their considerable advantages.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Bears vs. Falcons: 9-11-11
BEARS VS. FALCONS: 9-11-11
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Atlanta Falcons in the shadow of the 10th anniversary of 9-11 and the contract controversy with Lance Briggs. Will the Bears cave to Lance Briggs’ demand that he be traded? Or will he take the field tomorrow in red, white, and blue finery that would make Captain America and Evel Knievel look understated by comparison?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Sweet Polly Purebred” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and DC Comics super-heroine Wonder Woman.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Whilst the internet provides even the laziest land-lubbing dullard the statistics and expert opinion necessary to transform him into a well-informed sounding expert on sports, I still rely on the tried and true rum induced hallucinations of ocean deities Neptune and Poseidon, plus the occasional obscure Aztec sea lord, such as Chalchiuhtlicue, which means “she who wears the jade skirt”. And a very sexy skirt it is, too! ARRRHHH! Hey, why is it suddenly dark and stormy?
Chalchiuhtlicue: Redbeard! Why do you profane me with your disgusting lust?
SR: Chalchiuhtlicue! My liege! I be truly sorry for me impertinence. Look! I’ll slay Des in your honor!
Des: Hey, wait a minute…
Chalchiuhtlicue: Very well. Why don’t you reveal my predictions for the 2011 Bears season?
SR: Thankee, my aquatic overlord. The Bears will go 11-5 this year, submerging the Falcons, Panthers, Buccaneers, Raiders, Broncos, and Seahawks, plus the Vikings and Lions twice. But they will lose to the Saints, Eagles, Chargers, and Chiefs, and split the Packers.
Des: Captain, I noticed that you picked the Bears to beat the Buccaneers and Raiders. That must be very hard for you.
SR: Not as hard as it will be for you to eat solid food again after our post-production meeting.
Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
CWS: Well, the Falcons traded up for Julio Jones, got Ray Edwards and signed some starting-level defensive backs, while the Bears didn't really address their offensive line woes, lost a key center, cut two players who were big 2010 free-agent signings, and now Lance Briggs wants a trade. That said, the Bears will still win 51 to 3.
Des: Modre. What advice do you have for the Bears this week?
Modre: Ellen Glasgow once said, “All change is not growth, as all movement is not forward.” something the Bears offensive line knows all too well.
Des: Wonder Woman. What’s your take on today’s game?
WW: Don’t refer to me as a super-heroine. It makes me sound like something Scott Weiland used to use. Say “no” to drugs, kids!
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. You combine far-flung elements into a unique sound that is both experimental and melody loving. At least that’s what my unauthorized I-tunes profile of you says.
Des: Okay, then. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will cause as many people to pass out as those who watch a Criss Angel show… also from alcohol poisoning.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Atlanta Falcons in the shadow of the 10th anniversary of 9-11 and the contract controversy with Lance Briggs. Will the Bears cave to Lance Briggs’ demand that he be traded? Or will he take the field tomorrow in red, white, and blue finery that would make Captain America and Evel Knievel look understated by comparison?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Sweet Polly Purebred” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and DC Comics super-heroine Wonder Woman.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Whilst the internet provides even the laziest land-lubbing dullard the statistics and expert opinion necessary to transform him into a well-informed sounding expert on sports, I still rely on the tried and true rum induced hallucinations of ocean deities Neptune and Poseidon, plus the occasional obscure Aztec sea lord, such as Chalchiuhtlicue, which means “she who wears the jade skirt”. And a very sexy skirt it is, too! ARRRHHH! Hey, why is it suddenly dark and stormy?
Chalchiuhtlicue: Redbeard! Why do you profane me with your disgusting lust?
SR: Chalchiuhtlicue! My liege! I be truly sorry for me impertinence. Look! I’ll slay Des in your honor!
Des: Hey, wait a minute…
Chalchiuhtlicue: Very well. Why don’t you reveal my predictions for the 2011 Bears season?
SR: Thankee, my aquatic overlord. The Bears will go 11-5 this year, submerging the Falcons, Panthers, Buccaneers, Raiders, Broncos, and Seahawks, plus the Vikings and Lions twice. But they will lose to the Saints, Eagles, Chargers, and Chiefs, and split the Packers.
Des: Captain, I noticed that you picked the Bears to beat the Buccaneers and Raiders. That must be very hard for you.
SR: Not as hard as it will be for you to eat solid food again after our post-production meeting.
Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
CWS: Well, the Falcons traded up for Julio Jones, got Ray Edwards and signed some starting-level defensive backs, while the Bears didn't really address their offensive line woes, lost a key center, cut two players who were big 2010 free-agent signings, and now Lance Briggs wants a trade. That said, the Bears will still win 51 to 3.
Des: Modre. What advice do you have for the Bears this week?
Modre: Ellen Glasgow once said, “All change is not growth, as all movement is not forward.” something the Bears offensive line knows all too well.
Des: Wonder Woman. What’s your take on today’s game?
WW: Don’t refer to me as a super-heroine. It makes me sound like something Scott Weiland used to use. Say “no” to drugs, kids!
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. You combine far-flung elements into a unique sound that is both experimental and melody loving. At least that’s what my unauthorized I-tunes profile of you says.
Des: Okay, then. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will cause as many people to pass out as those who watch a Criss Angel show… also from alcohol poisoning.
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