Bears vs. Packers: 9-25-11

BEARS VS. PACKERS: 9-25-11

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers after a difficult loss to the New Orleans Saints. Will the Bears recover from this second episode defeat to win their third game, much like Luke Skywalker’s rebels rallied after the tragedies of the second Star Wars movie to defeat the evil emperor in episode three? Or will the Bears suffer a horrible, yet cuddly death, like the Ewoks and Jar Jar Binks?

PM: Oh, Des, far be it for me, your biggest—and only—fan to poke holes in your comedy, but weren’t the Ewoks and Jar Jar among the winners in the various Star Wars trilogies? And weren’t The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi technically episodes five and six? And were the rebels really Luke Skywalker’s rebels, or were they really more of a loose collection that didn’t really follow a charismatic leader? Unless you count Princess Leia, which I don’t.

Des: So, what, Prissy, are you trying to expand your character from creepy stalker to sci-fi nerd? I don’t recall approving that at our pre-show meeting!

Anyway--- to answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Darth Hideous” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Amazon warrior Wonder Woman.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Jay Cutler has taken more of a beating than the Spanish Armada did against the English in the naval Battle of Gravelines, or, to use a more relatable simile, me liver on a Saturday night, or any night of the week, for that matter. What must the Bears offensive line do to improve their protection of their shattered quarterback? Get the offensive line jacked up on an unholy combination of Jamaican rum, and whatever it is those Somali pirates use. What is it, cathinone, or khat? Anyway, Lovie Smith needs to make these changes. Otherwise, the Bears will go through more quarterbacks than Orson Wells plows through courses of a Thanksgiving meal. What? Too soon?

Des: Oh, Captain… Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

CWP: Well, the Bears have already allowed 11 sacks in two games and the Packers have a mighty defense. Also, Aaron Rogers appears unstoppable as a quarterback, and the Bears might be missing running back Marion Barber, safety Chris ¬Harris, guard Lance Louis, receiver Roy Williams and safety Major Wright due to injuries. That said, the Bears will still win 52 to 0.

Des: Modre! What advice do you have for football fans this week?

Modre: T.S. Eliot once said, “The progress of an artist is a continual self-sacrifice, a continual extinction of personality.” By that standard, Dick Jauron should have won 70 Superbowls.

Des: Wonder Woman. What’s your take on football?

WW: Everybody talks about how hot Tom Brady and Tony Romo are, but they’re nothing compared to Steve Trevor.

Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?

PM: Oh, Des. You’re a satisfying answer to a question most people fear to ask.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game brought to you by the font of all union-busting shenanigans, the Koch Brothers, the makers of Quilted Northern Toilet Paper, Angel Soft Toilet Paper, Brawny Paper Towels, Sparkle Paper Towels, Mardi Gras Paper Napkins, Vanity Fair Plates, and Dixie cup products. Remember, folks, if you buy any disposable papery by these jamokes, you’re supporting pure evil. Well, maybe not if you buy Dixie cups. It’s hard to stay mad at those little devils. But the Brawny lumberjack? Don’t turn your back!