Bears vs. Panthers: 10-2-2011

BEARS VS. PANTHERS: 10-2-11

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Carolina Panthers and former Bears defense coordinator legend Ron Rivera in the midst of a two game losing streak. Will the Bears receivers hold on to the passes Jay Cutler doesn’t overthrow? Or will Panthers’ rookie quarterback Cam Newton receive a much-needed confidence boost after a 1-2 start?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Overcat” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and princess of Themyscira, Wonder Woman.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Time now for Captain Redbeard’s Spotlight on the Team That Has Brought Me the Most Shame: ‘Tis the St. Louis Rams! I had picked them to win the NFC West Division Championship, yet they bring me naught but shame and frustration with their winless record so far! What must they do? They must fire equipment manager Todd Hewitt! 44 years is too long for any one man to serve in that critical position!

Excuse me, mateys. I’m being told by our producer… which… I didn’t know we had… what? They fired him back in January? Then… uh… sacrifice Cadillac Williams to the plant god Utzkartaga, blessed be he who provides me with my sacred magic mushrooms!

Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

CWP: Well, the Bears have nothing but trouble on offense, the defense is worn down, Ron Rivera is looking to defeat his old team, and Cam Newton is hungry for his first away win. That said, the Bears will still win 66 to 8.

Des: Modre. What advice do you have for football fans this week?

Modre: Joyce A. Meyers once said, “A #2 pencil and a dream can take you anywhere.” The Bears could also use a running game.

Des: Wonder Woman. What’s your take on the Bears?

WW: Everybody talks about the storied rivalry between the Bears and the Packers, but that’s nothing compared to my battle with the Blue Snowman.

Des: Really? Why haven’t I heard of him?

WW: Well, her true identity is Byrna Brilyant, a small town school-teacher and scientist who disguised herself as a man called "The Blue Snowman," using a telescopic snow ray to create and reverse blue snow, which paralyzed victims.

Des: So… she’s a cross-dressing super-villain, whose powers are only useful two or three months out of the year. I’m surprised that she never caught on.

WW: Did I mention that she later created an army of robots attuned to her brainwaves?

Des: Were they robot snowmen? Crush….kill… Help! I’m melting! Fatal error! Fatal error!

Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?

PM: Oh, Des. Your football posts are filled with bittersweet complexities, generation-defying insights, and are, collectively, a requiem of the post 9/11 dream.

Des: Prissy Minion, you may want to lay off on those Pink Floyd albums. The Final Cut doesn’t synch well with The Wizard of Oz. Believe me, I’ve tried. Multiple times.

Anyway… Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game brought to you by Miller Lite, which is apparently the “manliest” of light beers, but I’m not sure how “manly” and “light beer” get put together in a sentence. Now Southern Comfort or Jack Daniels: those are drinks that’ll get you to ride roller coasters and catch fish without fear, not to mention a bunch of other less, uh, benign activities. And, by “benign”, I mean “legal.”