Bears vs. Seahawks: 9-27-2015

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Seahawks, last year’s NFC Champions, whose dreams of Super-bowl glory were crushed under the deflated balls of Tom Brady and one—ONE, I tells ya--- bad call by Coach Pete Carroll. Will the Bears’ newest, nameless backup quarterback take advantage of the opportunity presented by the crippling injury to Jay Cutler, like Tom Brady did when Drew Bledsoe was knocked out of the Patriots in 2001? Or will he end up like what’s-his-name, who replaced Bledsoe for the Cowboys in 2006?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Rainbow Warrior” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae MacGillicutty, and proud owner of an oxygen tent timeshare, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! ‘Tis ironic, Des, that ye would nickname me “Rainbow Warrior”, since I was the mission leader of “Operation Satanique”, the French intelligence operation that blew up the Rainbow Warrior. Speaking of satanic operations, let’s take a look at the New England Patriots, who remain undefeated both on and off the field. Be there any team capable of channeling the forces of darkness better than Bill Belichick, whether it take the form of scrambled headset frequencies, deflated footballs, or tricking the opposing team into playing “outside themselves”, “running uphill”, forgetting to turn on that extra gear, and not playing “in space”?  Did I use every football cliché uttered by Joe Buck?

Des: That’s not even scratching the surface, Redbeard.

Redbeard: Aye, Des. I know. I know.

Redbeard: So. To answer me earlier question: as one who dabbles into the dark arts for fun and profit, my advice to other NFL teams is: if you want to successfully tap into the profane arts arcane, don’t be obvious and outright wear the symbols of evil, like the Redskins or the Raiders. Wear something that superficially ties into the great traditions of America, like the Dallas Cowboys. They had a pretty good run. Once.

Des: What do you mean by “dark arts”, Captain? Calligraphy? Black and white photography?

Redbeard: Let me take a lock of your hair, Des, and I’ll make a nice action figure for you.

Des: Halloween comes early this year. Speaking of the great Halloween tradition of hiding behind a mask while building up a tolerance for New Year’s Eve, here’s Drunky McDumbAss. What football party are you ruining this Sunday afternoon?

Drunky: I prefer to be at an undisclosed location, Des. Today’s drinking game involves me having a sip of LA beer every time there’s a graphic showing the number of quarterbacks who have played for the Bears since 2010. Even I, who am on my third stem-cell experimental pig liver, can’t drink a real beer for every time that topic comes up. I think there are numerous small college towns in Illinois whose entire economy is based on supplying Chicago with backup quarterbacks.

Des: Unfortunately, those are on-line colleges. Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

Concord: Every time I watch the commercial for “Draft Kings”, it saddens my heart. I see burly meatheads enjoying the camaraderie of other men and the occasional, beautiful supportive woman, all united in the pursuit of virtual victory. Meanwhile, I’m sitting in my one-bedroom studio apartment trying to unsuccessfully use my Draft Kings smart phone application, which is incompatible with my I-phone 4’s operating system, which was a discounted experimental version of IOS 5Q on the MCI network. Based on the data I was able to painfully extract from a grease-encrusted Wi-Fi router at Rudy Tuesday’s just seconds before it went out of business, I predict a Bears victory: 41-17.

Des: Concord, why aren’t you getting hammered alongside Drunky McDumbAss? Modre. I have no clumsy way to transition to your one sentence summary of Donald Trump, but give it to me anyway.

Modre: “The candle that burns brightest burns briefest.” Especially if that candle is snuffed out by Mark Cuban.

Des: Prissy Minion. Activate.

Prissy Minion: Apply directly to the forehead, Des. Your cascading voice grabs the ear of the listener with the tenacity of a pit bull. Or Mike Tyson. Too soon?

Des: If this were 2005.

Des: Ellie Mae McGillicutty. What southern fried wisdom do you have for us today?

Ellie Mae: Des, I couldn’t help but notice that the Bears only play one game in the former Confederacy. What’s the matter, isn’t the NFC South weak enough for you?

Des: We were tired of giving Ron Rivera his only win. Doctor Sally McChesty. Would you seal this episode in frozen carbonite?

Redbeard: ARRRRHHHH, mateys! Would it not be better for all concerned if ye just let me bookend this episode like the deus ex piratannica that I am?

Sally: I’m sure that’s just what the listener/reader wants to hear: More from a pale echo of Herman Melville and H.P. Lovecraft.

Redbeard: And I tried to pattern myself more after the B.J. Gigglesnort Hotel. Now if ye will excuse me, I will go up to me attic and pretend to be sailing a ship.

Bears vs. Panthers: 10-5-2014

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Carolina Panthers after a really embarrassing loss against the arch nemesis Green Bay Packers. Which Bears team will show up at Bank of America Stadium? Will it be the team that dominated the 49ers and Jets with competent quarterbacking, adhesive receivers, and acceptable defense? Or will it be last week’s team of panicky passing, numerous turnovers, and AWOL defense?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Baby Doc” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Drunky McDumbAss, and southern fried corn-poke Cornelius Van Robert E. Lee Des-boy.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! In the 12 years that we’ve been together in this pre-game cavalcade, we’ve never once answered - - or even acknowledged - - the opening question. This streak comes to an end. Your question requires a two part answer, Des. For the first quarter, you will see Team A… the one with the skillful, patient, accurate Jay Cutler; the focused, agile receivers; and defensive players who may occasionally execute a block or tackle. All of those players will be carted off the field due to injuries during the second quarter, and that’s when you’ll see Team B.

Des: Modre. The bottle is pointing at you.

Modre: “Font of Western wisdom whose name you are no doubt mispronouncing in your head as you read this” Emile Bronte once said, “The tyrant grinds down his slaves and they don't turn against him, they crush those beneath them.”

Des: Modre, what does that have to do with football?

Modre: Nothing at all. I just like to instigate class warfare.

Des: That comment suggests something new and different about your character, Modre. But I’m not sure that it makes you in any way more likable or relatable. Although neither are exactly common attributes of the participants of this blog. Doctor McChesty.  How will the Bears do today?

Sally: The Panthers’ run defense is every bit as bad as the Bears, and Cam Newton is a shadow of his former self, but any team coached by former Bear Ron Rivera should never be counted out.

Des: Doctor McChesty, how are you adjusting to your new role as the slightly less eccentric Concord Peabody?

Sally: Oh! Uh, Bears win 73-0.

Des: Drunky McDumbAss. Paint a picture with a Technicolor yawn.

Drunky: (Oh, that’s good Thunderbird.) Well, uhhhhhh…. Des… I was just sharing my, uhhhh…. liquid wisdom, if you will, about a variety of, um topics and interests, all of which end with “Fire Mel Tucker.”

Des: A sentiment shared by many whose blood alcohol content is 1000 times less lethal than yours, Drunky. Would you welcome, rarely recurring character, Des-boy?

Des-boy: Des, for a man who consistently condemns the NFL for allowing the nation’s capitol’s football team to be named after a racial slur, you sure do like to populate your blog with nuthin’ but stereotypes. Now that you’ve filled me with incoherent rage, I’m gonna go enjoy some corn squeezins’ while flipping back and forth between the Charlotte Panthers and the NASCAR. We welcome the Chicago Bears as they descend south of the Mason-Dixon line for three straight weeks into a world they never made.

Des: Prissy Minion. End this. End it now.

Prissy: Des, your agile comedic ramblings, and seductive lyric scenarios, combined with your quantifiable “poetrics”, as I like to call them, can only lead to one conclusion for the viewer: this is a sleek comedic love fest that’s also a much needed repeated shot to the solar plexus of pop culture… or would be, if you had more than 10 readers, all of whom are from former, soon to be future, Soviet republics.

Des: Ouch! Uh… (boo, hoo, hoo). Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a match previewed on web sites that are inexplicably covered with ads for Tea Party candidates, veal, and nuclear power.

Bears vs. Panthers: 10-2-2011

BEARS VS. PANTHERS: 10-2-11

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Carolina Panthers and former Bears defense coordinator legend Ron Rivera in the midst of a two game losing streak. Will the Bears receivers hold on to the passes Jay Cutler doesn’t overthrow? Or will Panthers’ rookie quarterback Cam Newton receive a much-needed confidence boost after a 1-2 start?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Overcat” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and princess of Themyscira, Wonder Woman.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Time now for Captain Redbeard’s Spotlight on the Team That Has Brought Me the Most Shame: ‘Tis the St. Louis Rams! I had picked them to win the NFC West Division Championship, yet they bring me naught but shame and frustration with their winless record so far! What must they do? They must fire equipment manager Todd Hewitt! 44 years is too long for any one man to serve in that critical position!

Excuse me, mateys. I’m being told by our producer… which… I didn’t know we had… what? They fired him back in January? Then… uh… sacrifice Cadillac Williams to the plant god Utzkartaga, blessed be he who provides me with my sacred magic mushrooms!

Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

CWP: Well, the Bears have nothing but trouble on offense, the defense is worn down, Ron Rivera is looking to defeat his old team, and Cam Newton is hungry for his first away win. That said, the Bears will still win 66 to 8.

Des: Modre. What advice do you have for football fans this week?

Modre: Joyce A. Meyers once said, “A #2 pencil and a dream can take you anywhere.” The Bears could also use a running game.

Des: Wonder Woman. What’s your take on the Bears?

WW: Everybody talks about the storied rivalry between the Bears and the Packers, but that’s nothing compared to my battle with the Blue Snowman.

Des: Really? Why haven’t I heard of him?

WW: Well, her true identity is Byrna Brilyant, a small town school-teacher and scientist who disguised herself as a man called "The Blue Snowman," using a telescopic snow ray to create and reverse blue snow, which paralyzed victims.

Des: So… she’s a cross-dressing super-villain, whose powers are only useful two or three months out of the year. I’m surprised that she never caught on.

WW: Did I mention that she later created an army of robots attuned to her brainwaves?

Des: Were they robot snowmen? Crush….kill… Help! I’m melting! Fatal error! Fatal error!

Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?

PM: Oh, Des. Your football posts are filled with bittersweet complexities, generation-defying insights, and are, collectively, a requiem of the post 9/11 dream.

Des: Prissy Minion, you may want to lay off on those Pink Floyd albums. The Final Cut doesn’t synch well with The Wizard of Oz. Believe me, I’ve tried. Multiple times.

Anyway… Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game brought to you by Miller Lite, which is apparently the “manliest” of light beers, but I’m not sure how “manly” and “light beer” get put together in a sentence. Now Southern Comfort or Jack Daniels: those are drinks that’ll get you to ride roller coasters and catch fish without fear, not to mention a bunch of other less, uh, benign activities. And, by “benign”, I mean “legal.”