Des: Welcome to another
edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against
the Saint Louis Rams after a tough win against the San Diego Chargers. Will the
Bears recapture last week’s winning formula of an acceptable defense, a
competent offense, and an opposing team that smothers itself with yellow flags?
Or will they be trampled underfoot by a legendary running back whose last name
of “Gurley” caused the Fox broadcasting team to giggle themselves silly last
week?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of
experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “20,000 Leagues
Under the Weight of His Crimes Against Humanity” Red-beard, Modre- the
trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae
MacGillicutty, and our tailgate party correspondent, Drunky McDumbAss.
Des: We’ll start the
festivities with the segment I’d like to call, “Let’s Make Fun of the Captain’s
Terrible Playoff Picks”, but since he has his cutlass pointed at one of my more
important organs, it’s time now for “The NFL’s Biggest Disappointments That
Were Way Better On Paper Than In Reality.”
Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHH,
mateys! Let’s take a long, pitiful glance at the teams that, like fabled aqua
based comic book legends Aquaman and the Sub-Mariner, failed to live up to
their potential: First, the NFC, and the Detroit Lions— hoo boy—who would’ve
thought that the Lions were one Ndamukong Suh
away from being the… Detroit Lions? As it turned out—EVERYONE EXCEPT ME! But
that was me worst choice. Me other selections ‘tweren’t nearly as bad—they be
merely mediocre, like a Carnival Cruise, but not catastrophically bad… like a
Carnival Cruise. Ye have the Eagles, who are neck and neck for first with the
Giants with a 4-4 record, while the Saints are in a distant third… with a 4-5
record. I challenge any land lubber to try to cipher that one out without your
high tech computers and your complex Common Core math problems. Back in my day,
we had naught but sextants and the constellations of the night sky and the
entrails of various whales when we would set up our illegal betting pools. And
we didn’t “log on” or use “bitcoin” to pay our gambling debt. No, we gave our
money in a paper sack, trembling, to guys named “Lefty” and “Knuckles” and “the
Shiv.”
Redbeard: But enough of me
caterwaulin’ about a beautiful distant past submerged in the impenetrable haze
of multi-decade alcoholism to torment meself—my question is, if you’re an AFC
team, why even bother? Tom Brady’s terrible vengeance against the NFL, and then
all mankind, will first lay waste to the entire AFC. The Texans and Chiefs, my
choices to win their divisions that sadly each have 3-5 records, will be naught
but collateral damage in the merciless maw of Brady’s hyper-focused rage. As I
must needs find some silver lining in the black miasma in which I usually “pilot”
me vessel, the Bengals, who I chose to win the AFC North, is still undefeated. Like
drunken Odysseus, I also keep being drawn to the siren girth of Rex Ryan, whose
managerial style resembles me own with similar results: Five out of nine
boarding parties yield untold riches, while the remaining four end in mutiny
and a self-destruct sequence.
Des: Drunky McDumbAss. What’s
happening in tailgate land?
Drunky: As the first person
to be banned from Uber for life in perpetuity throughout the universe, I make
the party wherever I am—which sounds like a great slogan for some kind of beer,
but it really means that I just barge my loud stench into the first
neighborhood party or open house I find as I shamble down the street of
whatever neighborhood I was dumped into by the local Chamber of Commerce.
Des: Uh, huh. Do you actually
bring anything to a party, other than some previously unknown insect vector, and
a stark reminder that not every drunk is Charles Bukowski?
Drunky: Well, you know how Bud Light has cans with
Chicago Bears stuff on it? I bought 53 cans and wrote the names of all 53 Bears
players on those cans, and then I would drink a beer whenever that player was
on the field. Then at the end of the first quarter, when all the cans are
empty, I would re-enact every play with the beer cans. Then when the game’s
over, I would make beer can angels on the floor.
Des: That’s an image that’s
going to take a while to fade from my mind’s eye. Actually, I think the
afterimage is going to be worse. Speaking of Norman Rockwell on black velvet,
here’s Ellie Mae McGillicutty.
Ellie Mae: Alannah Myles’s “Black
Velvet” is my personal anthem and I would thank you very much for not mocking
it.
Des: Sally McChesty. Would’st
thou conclude this episode?
Sally: What are you doing,
Des, getting ready to introduce some new Renaissance Faire character? To
piggyback on the success of “Galavant?” Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the
Bears face off in a game that will have five minutes of football and three
hours of pointless speculation about when the Rams will move back to Los
Angeles.
