Bears vs. Bengals: 10-25-09

BEARS VS. BENGALS: 10-25-09

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Cincinnati Bengals after a heartbreaking loss to the Atlanta Falcons. Will the Bears put together a competent offense and a two minute defense? Or will “Ocho-Cinco” cause the Bears to fear the girly-swirly helmets that adorn the skulls of the Bengals?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Falcon and the Snowman” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed dead celebrity Kurt Cobain.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Ye athletic representatives of Tennessee, Tampa Bay, and St. Louis stand accused of football incompetence before the drum-head court of Captain Silas Redbeard, scourge of the seven seas and many a fantasy football league! Tennessee and St. Louis, your zero-and-six records sadden this mariner’s heart and bring disgrace to your proud cities. But Tampa Bay: As the only feared buccaneer in the Northern Hemisphere, I decree that your winless performance brings naught but shame upon the noble profession of piracy! Thou shalt be punished by exile to the British Isles for a fortnight! I have spoken! Imperious Rex!

Des: Concord Peabody. Your thoughts.

CP: The Bears brick wall defense and slippery special teams remind me of the time I was a veal farmer and…

Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: In China, October 26 is the “double nine” festival because it is the 9th day of the 9th lunar month. Thus it is written that the Bears will win by 9 points after forcing 9 turnovers. The offense will under-perform.

Des: Kurt Cobain. Your impressions.

KC: “I bought a gun and chose drugs instead.” Then it was back to the gun.

Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. Your final thought.

PM: Oh, Des. Thinking outside the box for you means thinking outside of a tesseract.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by Rush Limbaugh, who has sworn a terrible vengeance against the National Football League for spurning his financial advances.