BEARS VS. BROWNS: 11-1-09
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Cleveland Browns after a heartbreaking loss to the Cincinnati Bengals. Will the Bears have an answer for Coach “Man-Genius”? And will it be something besides “better not tell you now?”
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Easy Rider” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed general William Westmoreland.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! The idle speculation over whether the NFL will place a team in London or Los Angeles brings a chuckle to this ancient mariner’s heart. Why not bring a professional team to Chicago? ‘Tis a pretty big market, filled to bursting with treasure and booty even though Denver and Cincinnati have successfully plundered the Bears of its offensive talent. I myself have stolen many a treasure from the Art Institute and Museum of Broadcast History, whiling away many a lonely hour with me purloined Dirty Dragon puppet and Blob clay formation.
Des: And indeed the Bears talent has been very offensive. (Insert rim shot) Concord Peabody. Your thoughts.
CP: I still believe Lovie Smith made the right decision when he made himself defensive co-Odinator.
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: Isaac Asimov once said, “Violence is the refuge of the incompetent.” That’s only true for Ron Turner.
Des: General William Westmoreland. Your advice for the Bears.
GWW: “Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.”
Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. Your final thought.
PM: Oh, Des. After last Sunday’s Bears game, only your broadcasts remind me that there still is a god.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game that should be totally awesome as long as Harvey Pekar can do the play by play. Or Funky Winkerbean. Either way, it’s cancer-tastic. Anyone but Cleveland Brown, the cartoon character.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
7 comments:
But what to do when you're incompetent at violence? Answer me that, Dr. Sideburns. Oh wait, you're dead. Much like the Bears' offense. And defense. And special teams.
Rob Ryan (Browns defensive coordinator) looks like he ate Isaac Asimov's entire ouvre (every category in the Dewey Decimal System blah blah blah).
Nobody is Rob Ryan-er than him. Except for maybe Rob Reiner. Coach Meathead.
ARRHHH! This game be not broadcast off the coast of New England and me "pirate" satellite feed is failing' to provide me with visuals, so I be reduced to visualizin' the girth of Ron Ryan through me parrot's squawking play-by-play rebroadcast of what WMAQ radio is broadcastin', which is usually punctuated by "pieces of eight"!
Well, that's no mean feat, Cap'n, since WMAQ-AM went off the air in 2000.
Eric Mangini. Heh heh. Kinda like Old Gregg on "The Mighty Boosh" ("I've got a mangina!!!"), only plural.
Next up: a Cleveland Steamer joke.
Well, as ye know, I be not bound by the normal rules of time and space. Or by logic and reason.
And it's over. That game was credibly boring.
Now to watch Mister Fav-ruh enrage the cheese heads by his very presence.
Your limited western mind cannot perceive the paint-drying-esque subtleties of this game. Like the lotus flower slowly opening, you must induce a mind-numbing, time-lapse photographic memory of the game to truly ponder whether Man-genious benched Brady Quinn for most of the game to avoid paying the bonus for games in which he is on the field for 70% or more of the plays.
Post a Comment