BEARS VS. CARDINALS: 11-8-09
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against their cross-town rivals, the Arizona Cardinals. Will the Bears be able to make their offense function smoothly, like a well-oiled machine? Or will they fly apart into a million pieces, like the infamous aluminum engines of the 1974 Chevy Vega?
To respond to these and similar obscure, poorly constructed metaphors is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Livingston Seagull” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed dead celebrity Kurt Cobain.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Though the Bears emerged victorious against the hapless Cleveland Browns, ‘tis too soon to crown them Super-bowl champions. What must the Bears do to win the NFC North? I suggest the “bilge rat” pass rush defense, where ye swarm all over the quarterback like a pack of… well, ye gets the idea. This would be particularly effective against the “Cheese-head” Green Bay Packers.
Des: Concord Peabody. Your thoughts.
CP: The Bears’ smothering defense and suffocating kickoff return coverage remind me of the time I worked for the "waste management business" and...
Des: Modre. What should the Bears do?
Modre: George Bernard Shaw once said, “For every complex problem, there is a simple solution that is wrong.” Still, I recommend using the "Wildcat" offense.
Des: Kurt Cobain. Your thoughts.
KC: “If you ever need anything please don't hesitate to ask someone else first."
Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. Your final thought.
PM: Oh, Des. Bears Sunday without your broadcasts is like a broken pencil--- pointless.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by the return of "V: the Visitors", which is in no way connected to this show, even though I've used their theme song for 5 years.
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7 comments:
The Fox pre-game "Hooray for Imperialism" show has caused me to turn off my TV in disgust. Maybe it should stay that way -- TV off, STDPM disgusted. Although I'll probably turn on the radio as soon as I finish typing this ... which should be ... also disgusting.
Tommie Harris ... of the Chicago Fist-Ball Bears.
Unfortunately, Harris appears to have left his tweety Twitter device at home.
http://twitter.com/REALDEAL91
What's really bad about Fox and CBS's war related pregame shows are how they make the wars all about them. Couldn't they just visit the troops without talikng about how awesome the NFL is for being a vital link to the soldiers' civilian lives?
Where be the "bilge rat" defense I advocated? I demand answers!
Since hiring Rod Marinelli from the 0-16 Detroit Lions as the Bears defensive line coach has paid such handsome dividends, mayhap we should hire the head coach of the 0-7 Tampa Bay Buccaneers as the offensive line coach.
Call me old fashioned (or worse), but I think Veterans' Day should just be for veterans. Active-duty personnel, your day will come! (If you live, that is, to paraphrase the old man in the film version of Catch-22. And if the military ever lets you out.)
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