BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 11-29-09
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Vikings after a heart-breaking loss to the Philadelphia Eagles. Will the Bears offense show some sparks of ingenuity, or a least competence? Or is that really loud ticking noise Ron Turner’s Deathclock?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Salon Haji Bahdoon” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Horseshoe Sandwich crooner Des-boy.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! The once mighty Spanish Armada be naught but a shadow of its former self. Even incompetent lunkheads like me are able to fleece them for millions. This fate could be yours, Barack Obama, if ye reduce military expenditures by even a hay-penny. Here’s your gambling tip of the week: I’ll place me three million Euro ransom from the Spanish government on the Cleveland Browns. Mangini can’t be wrong all the time!
Des: Yeah, thanks, Captain. Modre. What should the Bears do?
Modre: American poet Adrienne Rich once said, “Every journey into the past is complicated by delusions, false memories, false namings of real events.” That’s also true of the future. And also the present!
Des: Thanks, Captain Bringdown. Des-boy. Your thoughts about the Bears
DB: Well, Des, as they say in Standard City, “When’s NASCAR on?”
Des: Prissy Minion. What bizarre compliment do you have for me this week?
PM: Oh, Des. You’re boredom’s worst nightmare. Of course, that’s also true for car accidents and train wrecks, which I also enjoy watching.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by "V: the Visitors", starring Morena Baccarin, who’s inching closer to replacing my 20 year old picture of Janeane Garofalo on my screen saver.
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10 comments:
Q: Will the Bears offense show some sparks of ingenuity, or a least competence?"
A: No.
Q: Or is that really loud ticking noise Ron Turner’s Deathclock?
A: Also no. Nothing good will come of the Bears, in any way whatsoever.
Prediction: Vikings - an 8 turned on its side. Bears - the square root of futility divided by horror to the power of crap. Or zero, I'm not sure which. The tea leaves are not so clear on that.
Do you mean that the Bears will score zero points, or will they score "the STDPM formula" to the power of zero, which would be one point, which would be... very interesting.
I was thinking Absolute Zero, as in Lord Kelvin. All the constituent molecules of the Bears will cease motion, except for Jay Cutler, who will throw an interception.
Or else a touchdown.
Paradigm ... shifting ... must ... resist ... cognition ... dissonating ... must maintain smartass equilibrium ...
TV Announcer: "Your hand does not make you down."
Didn't Joycelyn Elders get in some trouble for telling school kids that?
Ahh yeahh ... Clinton-era jokes ... when we were still young and slightly less painfully aware of being doomed.
Meanwhile, Obama is going out of his way to mimic the Clinton presidency by failing on health care and championing something only Republicans like (i.e escalating in Afghanistan vs. NAFTA for Clinton). Guess which initiative will pass Congress.
I wouldn't say he's going out of his way. I think that was his way all along.
We'll see whether the global economy can survive having the purchasing power of the American consumer further reduced by being mandated by law to pay for their own health insurance while corporations are allowed to reduce or eliminate their own contributions. Uh, I mean, go Bears!
Arrh, mateys! What be this website, "Palin Fatigue"? Or be it "Loser Lefties Untie"? I demand that ye resume banter over the athletic genius of the Bears! (Insert thoughtful pause for reconsideration)So... how about those land-lubbin' clowns in Washington?
Is this game still on? I haven't been paying attention. Mostly have been occupied with turning Thanksgiving leftovers into new forms of leftovers so I can assuage my vestigial Puritan guilt when I end up throwing it out anyway.
Yes. Oddly, this is a nationally televised game, mostly to worship the aging Brett Favre. Then that should do it for the Bears this year, although they are technically scheduled to appear Monday night on December 28, but they may be "flexibly scheduled" out of that one.
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