Bears vs. 49ers: 11-12-09

BEARS VS. 49ERS: 11-12-09

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the 49ers on a Thursday night, further angering the football gods - - or, in the case of George Halas, the football Satan. Will the Bears solve their problems on offense, defense, and special teams? Or will they suffer the shame of having viewers defect to watch “Community”, or (shudder) Jay Leno?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Fem-bot” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed dead celebrity Kurt Cobain.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! If ye reverse the name “Halas” and replace the “L” and “H” with “T” and “N”…. never mind! That be too convoluted! Whatever ye do, don’t turn your “Tivo” upside down if the game is still on at 11:34 p.m.!

Des: Concord Peabody. Your thoughts.

CP: The Bears’ relentless defense and cyborg-ian offense remind me of the time I was a telemarketer and…

Des: Modre. What should the Bears do?

Modre: Albert Einstein once said, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” Still, I would continue using the "Tampa 2" defense. Or offense. Or whatever.

Des: Kurt Cobain. Your thoughts.

KC: “The duty of youth is to challenge corruption.” Did I say “challenge”? I meant “embrace.”

Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. What bizarre compliment do you have for me this week?

PM: Oh, Des. If your words could kill, you’d be a weapon of mass destruction.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by "V: the Visitors", starring Morena Baccarin, whose unnervingly serene visage draws me in like a fly to an unbelievably high voltage bug zapper