BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 10-19-08
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings after a disappointing loss to the Falcons. Will Chicago’s two minute defense be the equal of their two minute offense? Or will the Bears continue to throw life jackets instead of coffin nails at their opponents?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Horshack Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Me stomach continues to churn after drinkin’ me homemade rum of molasses, laundry detergent, Kool-aid mix, and Moxie cola, so me “upset” pick is going to be the Oakland Raiders defeating the New York Jets.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears are 17-10 when it’s the anniversary of Cornwallis’s surrender to George Washington. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: As Tom Robbins once said, “Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef.” Or a tur-duck-en, if you’re John Madden.
Des: Albert Einstein. Your impressions.
AE: Guten tag, meine kleinen Kinder. "Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism -- how passionately I hate them!" Except for Wayne Messmer’s “Star Spangled Banner.” Das ist eine National Treasure!
Des: Prissy Minion. What now?
PM: As Joseph Conrad said, “Words are great foes of reality.” Except your words, Des, which are delightfully illuminative.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears destroy their foes with a degree of thorough carnage not seen since Dr. Strange wiped out all vampires with the Montesi Formula.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Bears vs. Falcons: 10-12-08
BEARS VS. FALCONS: 10-12-08
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Atlanta Falcons, another team that has feasted on weaker opponents. Will the Bears build on their merciless slaughter of the Detroit Lions? Or will Ron Turner’s “no coast” offense result in “no points” for the Bears?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Brangelina” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! The mariner’s curse has turned its malevolent eye on the Detroit Lions. What can they do to reverse their tragic fate? Nothing! AH, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA! AH, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA! BWAH, HA, HA, HA, HA, HAAAA!!!!!
Des: Thank you, Captain Maniacal. Who will win, Concord Peabody?
CP: Well, the Bears are 70-45 when it’s raining. Unfortunately, it’s bone dry. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: When you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.
Des: Thank you, Crosby, Stills, Nash, and loser. Albert Einstein. Your impressions.
AE: Guten tag, meine herren. "You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this?” And don’t get me started on the Internet, with its tubes and what not.
Des: Prissy Minion. What must the Bears do?
PM: Love like you’ve never been hurt, sing like no one is listening, and dance like no one is watching. Except I am watching you, Des.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears play in a series of games that will give you hope in November, but lead to bitter disappointment in January—like the upcoming election.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Atlanta Falcons, another team that has feasted on weaker opponents. Will the Bears build on their merciless slaughter of the Detroit Lions? Or will Ron Turner’s “no coast” offense result in “no points” for the Bears?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Brangelina” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! The mariner’s curse has turned its malevolent eye on the Detroit Lions. What can they do to reverse their tragic fate? Nothing! AH, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA! AH, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA! BWAH, HA, HA, HA, HA, HAAAA!!!!!
Des: Thank you, Captain Maniacal. Who will win, Concord Peabody?
CP: Well, the Bears are 70-45 when it’s raining. Unfortunately, it’s bone dry. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: When you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.
Des: Thank you, Crosby, Stills, Nash, and loser. Albert Einstein. Your impressions.
AE: Guten tag, meine herren. "You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this?” And don’t get me started on the Internet, with its tubes and what not.
Des: Prissy Minion. What must the Bears do?
PM: Love like you’ve never been hurt, sing like no one is listening, and dance like no one is watching. Except I am watching you, Des.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears play in a series of games that will give you hope in November, but lead to bitter disappointment in January—like the upcoming election.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Bears vs. Lions: 10-5-08
BEARS VS. LIONS: 10-5-08
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions, a team that has yet to win a game this season. Will the Bears overcome whatever obstacles their opponents throw their way, like the 2005 White Sox? Or will they collapse at the first sign of trouble, like the 1909 through 2008 Chicago Cubs?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Nosferatu Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! As one who has been afflicted by many a nautical curse after offending many a sea god, only I know how to end the Cubs’ 1000 year curse. The Cubs must burn down Wrigley Field. Every last brick must be annihilated down to the last atom! Indeed, all of historic Wrigley Ville must be purged by the cleansing fire in order to appease whatever magical goat deity Chicago has offended! Then the Cubs must be forced to wander the baseball wilderness for 40 years, playing “home” games solely in obscure Canadian cities, Puerto Rico, and Guam as the Chicago Orphans. Or they need better post season pitching.
Des: Returning to football, who will win, Concord Peabody?
CP: Well, the Bears are 695-510-42 lifetime when the Cubs have failed to play or win a World Series. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: The democratic-communist relationship won’t stand in the way of the Islamic force.
Des: An interesting time to inject politics into this clambake. Albert Einstein. Your impressions.
AE: Guten tag, meine Burger Chicagos. Two things are infinite: the universe and the Cubs curse, and I’m not sure about the universe.
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: As Jean-Paul Sartre once said, “Hell is for other people.” Unless you’re a Cubs fan.
Des: Sit back and watch in your beer-stained bean bag chair as the Bears grapple the Lions in a match that would help you forget about the Cubs… if only the outside world would let you!
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions, a team that has yet to win a game this season. Will the Bears overcome whatever obstacles their opponents throw their way, like the 2005 White Sox? Or will they collapse at the first sign of trouble, like the 1909 through 2008 Chicago Cubs?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Nosferatu Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! As one who has been afflicted by many a nautical curse after offending many a sea god, only I know how to end the Cubs’ 1000 year curse. The Cubs must burn down Wrigley Field. Every last brick must be annihilated down to the last atom! Indeed, all of historic Wrigley Ville must be purged by the cleansing fire in order to appease whatever magical goat deity Chicago has offended! Then the Cubs must be forced to wander the baseball wilderness for 40 years, playing “home” games solely in obscure Canadian cities, Puerto Rico, and Guam as the Chicago Orphans. Or they need better post season pitching.
Des: Returning to football, who will win, Concord Peabody?
CP: Well, the Bears are 695-510-42 lifetime when the Cubs have failed to play or win a World Series. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: The democratic-communist relationship won’t stand in the way of the Islamic force.
Des: An interesting time to inject politics into this clambake. Albert Einstein. Your impressions.
AE: Guten tag, meine Burger Chicagos. Two things are infinite: the universe and the Cubs curse, and I’m not sure about the universe.
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: As Jean-Paul Sartre once said, “Hell is for other people.” Unless you’re a Cubs fan.
Des: Sit back and watch in your beer-stained bean bag chair as the Bears grapple the Lions in a match that would help you forget about the Cubs… if only the outside world would let you!
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