Bears vs. Vikings: 10-19-08

BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 10-19-08

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings after a disappointing loss to the Falcons. Will Chicago’s two minute defense be the equal of their two minute offense? Or will the Bears continue to throw life jackets instead of coffin nails at their opponents?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Horshack Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Me stomach continues to churn after drinkin’ me homemade rum of molasses, laundry detergent, Kool-aid mix, and Moxie cola, so me “upset” pick is going to be the Oakland Raiders defeating the New York Jets.

Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?

CP: Well, the Bears are 17-10 when it’s the anniversary of Cornwallis’s surrender to George Washington. Go Bears!

Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: As Tom Robbins once said, “Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef.” Or a tur-duck-en, if you’re John Madden.

Des: Albert Einstein. Your impressions.

AE: Guten tag, meine kleinen Kinder. "Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism -- how passionately I hate them!" Except for Wayne Messmer’s “Star Spangled Banner.” Das ist eine National Treasure!

Des: Prissy Minion. What now?

PM: As Joseph Conrad said, “Words are great foes of reality.” Except your words, Des, which are delightfully illuminative.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears destroy their foes with a degree of thorough carnage not seen since Dr. Strange wiped out all vampires with the Montesi Formula.