BEARS VS. LIONS: 10-5-08
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions, a team that has yet to win a game this season. Will the Bears overcome whatever obstacles their opponents throw their way, like the 2005 White Sox? Or will they collapse at the first sign of trouble, like the 1909 through 2008 Chicago Cubs?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Nosferatu Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! As one who has been afflicted by many a nautical curse after offending many a sea god, only I know how to end the Cubs’ 1000 year curse. The Cubs must burn down Wrigley Field. Every last brick must be annihilated down to the last atom! Indeed, all of historic Wrigley Ville must be purged by the cleansing fire in order to appease whatever magical goat deity Chicago has offended! Then the Cubs must be forced to wander the baseball wilderness for 40 years, playing “home” games solely in obscure Canadian cities, Puerto Rico, and Guam as the Chicago Orphans. Or they need better post season pitching.
Des: Returning to football, who will win, Concord Peabody?
CP: Well, the Bears are 695-510-42 lifetime when the Cubs have failed to play or win a World Series. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: The democratic-communist relationship won’t stand in the way of the Islamic force.
Des: An interesting time to inject politics into this clambake. Albert Einstein. Your impressions.
AE: Guten tag, meine Burger Chicagos. Two things are infinite: the universe and the Cubs curse, and I’m not sure about the universe.
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: As Jean-Paul Sartre once said, “Hell is for other people.” Unless you’re a Cubs fan.
Des: Sit back and watch in your beer-stained bean bag chair as the Bears grapple the Lions in a match that would help you forget about the Cubs… if only the outside world would let you!
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4 comments:
I like the idea of forcing the Cubs to revert to their former (1898-1901) nickname, but why not roll it back all the way to the wretched beginning and start calling them the "White Stockings" again? Not only would the "consumer confusion" be hilarious, it would also mark a symbolic rebirth.
In fact, maybe that's what they need -- one of those psycho cult "rebirth experience" experiences where the team is swaddled up in a bedsheet and forced to struggle its way through a tiny opening or else suffocate in the process.
I think we know what would happen. But at least they would perish with spiritual cleanliness.
Des, good healthy bears discussion from your panel. However, the Sartre quote was incorrect. The correct quote is "Hell is other people. Specifically, the Chicago Cubs."
They might also consider changing their name to the Chicago Goatlings. and doing away with "take me out to the ball game" for the seventh inning stretch. if it were replaced by "mares eat oats" that would certainly curry favor w/ goat-god Pan.
Yeah, I think Leona Helmsley was the one who said "Hell is for other people."
And Charlton Heston said it most succinctly: "Hell is PEOPLE!!!"
In that connection, I suggest a new inscription for the historic Wrigley Field marquee: "Abandon hope, all ye dumbasses who enter here."
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