BEARS VS. LIONS: 1-3-10
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Lions after an amazing win against the Vikings. Can the Bears build on their strengths displayed in last week’s game? Or will they need a new Mike Brady-esque architect to redesign the offense with Frank Lloyd Wright-style unconventionality?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Obi-Wan” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed advertiser of sports products, Tiger Woods.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Since the NFL season is pretty much over, these be my college bowl picks for next year: Oklahoma defeats NIU in the Empire Carpet Bowl, Texas Tech beats Indiana in the Big Scary Closet Bowl, MIT destroys Stanford in the Droid Bowl, University of Phoenix defeats DeVry in the John Madden Virtual Bowl, and Bud Light defeats Budweiser Select in the Bud Bowl.
Des: Captain, do those bowls even exist?
SR: And the Beef O’Brady’s Bowl, the County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl, the Meineke Car Care Bowl, the Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl, and the Brut Sun Bowl should be treated with more respect just because they actually exist? Besides, once I have successfully pirated CBS’s signal during the Super-bowl, the Bud Bowl will rise again. If what’s left of the Who play “Behind Blue Eyes” during the half time show, that’s when I will take command of the airwaves.
Des: Let me take a moment to credit “Friend of the Blog” H for suggesting the bowl selection concept. I know he wanted me to wait until next December, but…
Modre: Des, your willingness to suspend Western perceptions of comedic timing will one day endear you to Eastern audiences. The true irony is that this will occur 100 years into the future.
Des: Tiger Woods. Your thoughts about the Bears.
Tiger: How much endorsement money am I being paid for this?
PM: Oh, Des. That joke was well worth waiting six weeks after the Tiger Woods story broke.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by “GoDaddy.com”, where Tiger Woods will appear alongside Danica Patrick soon.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Bears vs. Vikings: 12-27-09
BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 12-27-09
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings in another game inexplicably shown to a national audience. Can the Bears take advantage of a weakening Brett Favre, who is crumbling to dust like the Ghost of Christmas Present? Or will the Bears face another holiday horror, like Jim Carrey's Christmas Carol?
Des: To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles "Thin White Duke" Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western stereotype, the Prissy Minion, and famed symbol of renewal, the Baby New Year.
Redbeard: ARRRHHH, mateys! There be much idle speculation about whether Coach Lovie Smith will be fired come the end of this season. There be only one true way to settle this. Mutiny! But not the passive aggressive mutiny the Bears have performed so far. Nay! Swords must be drawn for a halftime spectacular that would be far more entertaining than anything ESPN's "Jabberjaw" has to blather about.
Des: Concord Peabody. Your thoughts.
CWP: The Bears are 24-7 whenever the defensive line of the Bears is on average 10 years younger than the opposing team's offensive line. Unfortunately, I have no idea whether that's the case in this game.
Des: Modre, what are your thoughts?
Modre: The cleansing whiteness of winter's snowfall will fail to shield Bears fans from the grim reality of Ron Turner's play calling.
Des: Prissy Minion. Do you have any relevant comments? Pleae?
PM: That is a Christmas gift that is beyond my capability.
Des: Baby New Year. What do you see in the Bears' future?
BNY: I'm too busy worrying about being eaten by Eon to concern myself with your petty sports teams.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a match that will put an exclamation point of 2009! Unfortunately, I have no idea what the rest of the sentence says.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings in another game inexplicably shown to a national audience. Can the Bears take advantage of a weakening Brett Favre, who is crumbling to dust like the Ghost of Christmas Present? Or will the Bears face another holiday horror, like Jim Carrey's Christmas Carol?
Des: To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles "Thin White Duke" Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western stereotype, the Prissy Minion, and famed symbol of renewal, the Baby New Year.
Redbeard: ARRRHHH, mateys! There be much idle speculation about whether Coach Lovie Smith will be fired come the end of this season. There be only one true way to settle this. Mutiny! But not the passive aggressive mutiny the Bears have performed so far. Nay! Swords must be drawn for a halftime spectacular that would be far more entertaining than anything ESPN's "Jabberjaw" has to blather about.
Des: Concord Peabody. Your thoughts.
CWP: The Bears are 24-7 whenever the defensive line of the Bears is on average 10 years younger than the opposing team's offensive line. Unfortunately, I have no idea whether that's the case in this game.
Des: Modre, what are your thoughts?
Modre: The cleansing whiteness of winter's snowfall will fail to shield Bears fans from the grim reality of Ron Turner's play calling.
Des: Prissy Minion. Do you have any relevant comments? Pleae?
PM: That is a Christmas gift that is beyond my capability.
Des: Baby New Year. What do you see in the Bears' future?
BNY: I'm too busy worrying about being eaten by Eon to concern myself with your petty sports teams.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a match that will put an exclamation point of 2009! Unfortunately, I have no idea what the rest of the sentence says.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Bears vs. Packers: 12-13-09
BEARS VS. PACKERS: 12-13-09
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Packers after defeating the Rams in a win that was almost convincing. Can the Bears beat a team with a winning record? Or will they need to wait until January 3rd, when they play the Detroit Lions, the gift that keeps on giving?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “the Undertaker” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and avatar of Christmas cheer, Santa Claus.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! This week’s “Pick to Bet a Ukrainian Ransom On…”
Des: Captain, that’s an awkward title, isn’t it?
SR: You know what else would be really awkward? A keel-hauling, which you’ll be facing shortly.
Des: Again with the keel-haulings. If it’s not keel-haulings, it’s plank walkings, tasting your steely blade, drawing and quartering, or drinking your chum bucket. What else have you got, Captain?
SR: That’s a challenge ye don’t want me to be accepting, land-lubber, particularly given your penchant for drinking hard liquor. Anyway, me “can’t miss” pick is the Detroit Lions defeating the Baltimore Ravens. I see the Lions running the table at the end of the season.
Des: Good luck with that one. Santa Claus. Your thoughts about the Bears.
Santa: Oh, ho, ho, ho! I’ve renamed my reindeer after all of the Bears’ successful quarterbacks: On McMahon! On Kramer! (Long pause) I’ll get back to you on that one.
Des: Concord Peabody. Could you end this on a positive note?
CWP: The Bears win 65% of the time when they remember to put 11 men on the field.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by “Droid”, which, since I have no idea what it is from the commercials, I’m assuming is a robot army out to enslave us all!
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Packers after defeating the Rams in a win that was almost convincing. Can the Bears beat a team with a winning record? Or will they need to wait until January 3rd, when they play the Detroit Lions, the gift that keeps on giving?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “the Undertaker” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and avatar of Christmas cheer, Santa Claus.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! This week’s “Pick to Bet a Ukrainian Ransom On…”
Des: Captain, that’s an awkward title, isn’t it?
SR: You know what else would be really awkward? A keel-hauling, which you’ll be facing shortly.
Des: Again with the keel-haulings. If it’s not keel-haulings, it’s plank walkings, tasting your steely blade, drawing and quartering, or drinking your chum bucket. What else have you got, Captain?
SR: That’s a challenge ye don’t want me to be accepting, land-lubber, particularly given your penchant for drinking hard liquor. Anyway, me “can’t miss” pick is the Detroit Lions defeating the Baltimore Ravens. I see the Lions running the table at the end of the season.
Des: Good luck with that one. Santa Claus. Your thoughts about the Bears.
Santa: Oh, ho, ho, ho! I’ve renamed my reindeer after all of the Bears’ successful quarterbacks: On McMahon! On Kramer! (Long pause) I’ll get back to you on that one.
Des: Concord Peabody. Could you end this on a positive note?
CWP: The Bears win 65% of the time when they remember to put 11 men on the field.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by “Droid”, which, since I have no idea what it is from the commercials, I’m assuming is a robot army out to enslave us all!
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Bears vs. Rams: 12-6-09
BEARS VS. RAMS: 12-6-09
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Rams in the first game that has not been nationally televised in a month. Will the Bears take the opportunity to rebuild under the radar? Or will St. Louis accidently lose the draft pick race to Cleveland and Tampa Bay?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “the Walrus” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and avatar of Christmas cheer, Santa Claus.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Allow me to pour a 40 ounce bottle of rum on the curb for me fallen brethren of the skull and crossbones who were recently captured by the Dutch Navy. Who even knew those wooden shoe wearing tulip eaters even had a navy? Anyway, the Bears should use the “Hardtack Defense”, a defense that’s bland and flavorless, but is hard and unyielding. Just don’t dip it in coffee, or “the black awakening”, as we in the pirate profession like to call it.
Des: Yeah, thanks, Captain. Modre. What should the Bears do?
Modre: French Classical Writer Francois De La Rochefoucauld once said, “Usually we praise only to be praised.” That said, Des, you are a comedic genius.
Des: I offer nothing in return. Santa Claus. Your thoughts about the Bears.
Santa: Oh, ho, ho, ho! Bears fans will receive a Christmas gift that Ron Turner will not enjoy.
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this?
PM: Oh, Des. As British Sportsman Writer Charles Caleb Colton once said, “When millions applaud you seriously ask yourself what harm you have done; and when they disapprove you, what good.” Think about that, won’t you?
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by "V: the Visitors", which was pre-empted by a Charlie Brown Christmas, which was, in turn interrupted by President Obama. Like the Visitors, Obama is also “of peace… always.”
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Rams in the first game that has not been nationally televised in a month. Will the Bears take the opportunity to rebuild under the radar? Or will St. Louis accidently lose the draft pick race to Cleveland and Tampa Bay?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “the Walrus” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and avatar of Christmas cheer, Santa Claus.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Allow me to pour a 40 ounce bottle of rum on the curb for me fallen brethren of the skull and crossbones who were recently captured by the Dutch Navy. Who even knew those wooden shoe wearing tulip eaters even had a navy? Anyway, the Bears should use the “Hardtack Defense”, a defense that’s bland and flavorless, but is hard and unyielding. Just don’t dip it in coffee, or “the black awakening”, as we in the pirate profession like to call it.
Des: Yeah, thanks, Captain. Modre. What should the Bears do?
Modre: French Classical Writer Francois De La Rochefoucauld once said, “Usually we praise only to be praised.” That said, Des, you are a comedic genius.
Des: I offer nothing in return. Santa Claus. Your thoughts about the Bears.
Santa: Oh, ho, ho, ho! Bears fans will receive a Christmas gift that Ron Turner will not enjoy.
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this?
PM: Oh, Des. As British Sportsman Writer Charles Caleb Colton once said, “When millions applaud you seriously ask yourself what harm you have done; and when they disapprove you, what good.” Think about that, won’t you?
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by "V: the Visitors", which was pre-empted by a Charlie Brown Christmas, which was, in turn interrupted by President Obama. Like the Visitors, Obama is also “of peace… always.”
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Bears vs. Vikings: 11-29-09
BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 11-29-09
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Vikings after a heart-breaking loss to the Philadelphia Eagles. Will the Bears offense show some sparks of ingenuity, or a least competence? Or is that really loud ticking noise Ron Turner’s Deathclock?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Salon Haji Bahdoon” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Horseshoe Sandwich crooner Des-boy.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! The once mighty Spanish Armada be naught but a shadow of its former self. Even incompetent lunkheads like me are able to fleece them for millions. This fate could be yours, Barack Obama, if ye reduce military expenditures by even a hay-penny. Here’s your gambling tip of the week: I’ll place me three million Euro ransom from the Spanish government on the Cleveland Browns. Mangini can’t be wrong all the time!
Des: Yeah, thanks, Captain. Modre. What should the Bears do?
Modre: American poet Adrienne Rich once said, “Every journey into the past is complicated by delusions, false memories, false namings of real events.” That’s also true of the future. And also the present!
Des: Thanks, Captain Bringdown. Des-boy. Your thoughts about the Bears
DB: Well, Des, as they say in Standard City, “When’s NASCAR on?”
Des: Prissy Minion. What bizarre compliment do you have for me this week?
PM: Oh, Des. You’re boredom’s worst nightmare. Of course, that’s also true for car accidents and train wrecks, which I also enjoy watching.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by "V: the Visitors", starring Morena Baccarin, who’s inching closer to replacing my 20 year old picture of Janeane Garofalo on my screen saver.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Vikings after a heart-breaking loss to the Philadelphia Eagles. Will the Bears offense show some sparks of ingenuity, or a least competence? Or is that really loud ticking noise Ron Turner’s Deathclock?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Salon Haji Bahdoon” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Horseshoe Sandwich crooner Des-boy.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! The once mighty Spanish Armada be naught but a shadow of its former self. Even incompetent lunkheads like me are able to fleece them for millions. This fate could be yours, Barack Obama, if ye reduce military expenditures by even a hay-penny. Here’s your gambling tip of the week: I’ll place me three million Euro ransom from the Spanish government on the Cleveland Browns. Mangini can’t be wrong all the time!
Des: Yeah, thanks, Captain. Modre. What should the Bears do?
Modre: American poet Adrienne Rich once said, “Every journey into the past is complicated by delusions, false memories, false namings of real events.” That’s also true of the future. And also the present!
Des: Thanks, Captain Bringdown. Des-boy. Your thoughts about the Bears
DB: Well, Des, as they say in Standard City, “When’s NASCAR on?”
Des: Prissy Minion. What bizarre compliment do you have for me this week?
PM: Oh, Des. You’re boredom’s worst nightmare. Of course, that’s also true for car accidents and train wrecks, which I also enjoy watching.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by "V: the Visitors", starring Morena Baccarin, who’s inching closer to replacing my 20 year old picture of Janeane Garofalo on my screen saver.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Bears vs. Eagles: 11-22-09
BEARS VS. EAGLES: 11-22-09
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Eagles on a Sunday night game, after a heart-breaking loss to Mike Singletary’s 49ers. Will the Bears redeem themselves in front of another national audience? Or will Keith Olbermann proclaim Jerry Angelo "The Worst Person in the World"?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Shave and a Haircut” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed deceased author Aldous Huxley.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! The only way that quarterback Jay Cutler could be more obvious in his play calling would be if he were using signaling flags. Here’s some ideas of signaling flags the Bears might want to use now: “Foxtrot: disabled” or “x-ray: stop your intention” or “Juliette: On Fire, keep clear”. Devin Hester might want to use: “LO- I am not in my correct position.” or “ZL- Your signal has been received but is not understood.” Matt Forte could use: “RU- keep clear of me; I am maneuvering with difficulty.” Lovie Smith should use: “DV- I am drifting” or “JL- I am running the risk of going aground.” This is Frank Caliendo, and my “upset special” is the Tampa Bay Buccaneers defeating the New Orleans Saints.
Des: Yeah, thanks, Captain. Modre. What should the Bears do?
Modre: I am depressed that I failed to refer to “Samurai” Mike Singletary last week.
Des: Aldous Huxley. Your thoughts.
AH: Ford’s in a flivver! Sucks to your ass-mar! Molly Ringwald is so… pneumatic!
Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. What bizarre compliment do you have for me this week?
PM: Oh, Des. The cosine squared of your obscure references plus the sine squared of your well-timed delivery equals one satisfied customer.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by "V: the Visitors", starring Morena Baccarin, who was obviously modeled after Hillary Clinton in that they are both women.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Eagles on a Sunday night game, after a heart-breaking loss to Mike Singletary’s 49ers. Will the Bears redeem themselves in front of another national audience? Or will Keith Olbermann proclaim Jerry Angelo "The Worst Person in the World"?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Shave and a Haircut” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed deceased author Aldous Huxley.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! The only way that quarterback Jay Cutler could be more obvious in his play calling would be if he were using signaling flags. Here’s some ideas of signaling flags the Bears might want to use now: “Foxtrot: disabled” or “x-ray: stop your intention” or “Juliette: On Fire, keep clear”. Devin Hester might want to use: “LO- I am not in my correct position.” or “ZL- Your signal has been received but is not understood.” Matt Forte could use: “RU- keep clear of me; I am maneuvering with difficulty.” Lovie Smith should use: “DV- I am drifting” or “JL- I am running the risk of going aground.” This is Frank Caliendo, and my “upset special” is the Tampa Bay Buccaneers defeating the New Orleans Saints.
Des: Yeah, thanks, Captain. Modre. What should the Bears do?
Modre: I am depressed that I failed to refer to “Samurai” Mike Singletary last week.
Des: Aldous Huxley. Your thoughts.
AH: Ford’s in a flivver! Sucks to your ass-mar! Molly Ringwald is so… pneumatic!
Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. What bizarre compliment do you have for me this week?
PM: Oh, Des. The cosine squared of your obscure references plus the sine squared of your well-timed delivery equals one satisfied customer.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by "V: the Visitors", starring Morena Baccarin, who was obviously modeled after Hillary Clinton in that they are both women.
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