Bears vs. Packers: 9-28-2014

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers in Chapter MCMLVI of the world’s greatest sports rivalry in the history of the universe! Will the Bears harden in concrete the winning puzzle pieces of a consistent passing game, error-free special teams, and a competent defense? Or will Aaron Rogers throw touchdown passes in the same robotic fashion he uses when delivering straight lines on State Farm commercials?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Cool Ranch Dorito” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, and our pale shadow of Dean Martin, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! After spending hours at the bedside of ailing North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un in which we traded mystical objects that would make the darkest nightmares of H.P. Lovecraft seem pleasant by comparison, I bring to thee unsuspecting landlubbers the Chum Bucket of the NFL: the team that will fail to win a single game this season. It deeply shames me that two of the winless NFL teams are the Buccaneers and the Raiders. Ne’er the less, the one team that will not win a single game this year will be the Jacksonville Jaguars. Florida was not meant to support three football teams, maybe not even two.

Des: Captain, last year, you predicted that Washington wouldn’t win a single game. While a 3-13 record is nothing to be proud of, the Texans did worse with a 2-14 record.

Redbeard: Aye. I decided last year that having Dan Snyder’s team lose every game wasn’t cruel enough. Part of this year’s Curse of the Crimson Beard Stubble involves having Washington win 3 games in a row midseason and then losing the rest to finish off with a 4-12 record, which would be one game shy of winning the division. That “honor” will go to the Cowboys, who will win the NFC East Division with a 5-11 season.

Des: A sad vision of things to come. Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

Concord: Well, while the Packers had a tough outing against the Lions, Aaron Rogers is still one of the best quarterbacks in the league, the Bears run defense is dangerously weak, and the Packers have had the Bears’ number for a while now, even at Soldier Field. That said, the Bears still win 35-11.

Des: Wait... Concord, how do you expect the Packers to score 11 points?

Concord: 3 field goals and a safety. Or a field goal plus a touchdown with a 2-point conversion. What am I, Des, the Shell Answer Man?

Des: Thank you, Concord. So, Doctor McChesty, what’s your prescription for a Bears victory?

Sally: Prescription? Oh, I get it. Because I’m a doctor. No, Des, my doctorate is in Sports Business Management… which, come to think of it, does involve dispensing a lot of pain medication.

Des: Speaking of self-medication, would you welcome: Drunky McDumbAss. What’s happening in tailgate land?

Drunky: Well, Des, I’m in Soldier Field jail again because, apparently, setting fire to a Cheesehead hat and urinating on its ashes while a Packers fan is still wearing it, isn’t considered an “appropriate” way to show team spirit.

Des: Prissy Minion, put a merciful end to this.

Prissy: Des, your transition from teen idol to sports commentator legend combines the best elements of bad girl Miley Cyrus to the matriarchal purity of Hillary Duff.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will be much more enjoyable if you mute the tortured logic chain leading to nowhere funny that is otherwise known as this year’s Miller Lite commercials.

Bears vs. Jets: 9-22-2014

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the New York Jets after a surprising upset of the once-dominant 49ers fueled by a lust for revenge after Cutler’s helmet-to-chest plate injury. Will Jay Cutler endure another injury to spur the Bears to victory? Or will Rex Ryan’s rambling tirades and empty promises also prove inspirational… to the Bears?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Emperor of Scotland” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, and “hero” of the half-keg, Drunky McDumbAss.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! As one who has made a career of exploiting me self-inflicted wounds, both physical and emotional, I welcome this new strategy of Cutler to inspire his team via overcoming crippling injury. May I suggest acquiring a peg leg or glass eye? What ye lose in mobility and depth perception, ye more than make up with loyalty and steadfastness of yer crew!

Des: At the risk of poking very large holes in what you laughably call a managerial opus, Captain, don’t you have to brutally beat down a mutiny on a daily basis?

SR: Ye can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs, if by “omelet” ye mean “a modestly successful voyage”, and by “eggs” ye mean “the entire crew”. And a few horses ye have to throw overboard.

Des: Thank you, Captain. Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

CWP: Well, the Bears are 0-20 when they play in stadiums named after insurance companies that exploit holes in Medicaid coverage.  That said, the Bears will win 30-7.

Des: Modre! Cram some comedy into the casing of NFL references.

Modre: It is better to dance lightly across the astro-turf of human emotion than suffocate numbly beneath the sheltering darkness of the replay hood.

Des: Doctor Sally McChesty. What’s your opinion of Roger Goodell’s news conference regarding the numerous domestic abuse accusations and videos in the news?

SMC: Didn’t you get the memo from the NFL, Des? Female football broadcasters only provide facts; we do not provide any analysis, interpretation, or context. That’s for the men folk.

Des: Drunky McDumbAss. What’s happening in tailgate land?

DMD: Des, I left John’s Garage in 2005 and haven’t found my way home since.

Des: Coming from anyone else, that would sound strangely poignant. Prissy Minion. Seal this in concrete, won’t you?

Prissy: If you like your negative and positive emotions numb, then you’ve come to the right place.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match that may cause you to turn around, bright eyes, away from the newest episode of The Big Bang Theory or the Simpsons marathon on F quadruple X.

Bears vs. 49ers: 9-14-2014

BEARS VS. 49ERS: 9-14-14

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the 49ers after an embarrassing loss to the terrible Buffalo Bills. Will the Bears find one healthy receiver, an acceptable defense, and a coach who can show Jay Cutler how to throw to his own team? Or will tonight’s game be naught be an awkward acknowledgement of the latest crime against humanity conducted by an NFL player, owner, or coach?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Wood Rot” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Sally McChesty, and passed out speed bump, Drunky McDumbAss.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Tremble before me delirious visions of futures too terrible to behold as I unfurl me Treasure Map to the Super Bowl, which, out of sheer laziness, is actually a pencil maze from a Happy Meal originally entitled “Treasure Map to Childhood Obesity”, which starts with a Big Mac and ends with a fat kid, which then goes on to an insulin needle and a bottle of Lipitor. But I digest.

In the AFC, I foresee the Jets, Steelers, Titans, and Chiefs proudly displaying divisional banners, whilst the Patriots and Broncos saunter into the playoffs as wild cards. In the NFC, I envision that the Bears, Saints, and 49ers will dominate their divisions. The NFC East is so awful that the Cowboys will triumph with a 7-9 record. The Seahawks and Panthers will be stained with the shame of entering as wild cards. Gasp with disbelief as  I reveal this startling conclusion to the 2014 football season: The 49ers will defeat the Chiefs in this year’s Super Bowl.

Des: Captain, I couldn’t help but notice that your AFC picks were almost identical to last year’s and that didn’t work out too well for you. What gives?

Redbeard: Well, Des, ‘tis like the lottery player who plays the same numbers every day for 60 years: you have to get lucky at some point.

Des: And what about the Bears? Did you pick them just to be nice?

Redbeard: After our very, very long association, Des, ye know better than anyone that there be nothing “nice” about me. Nay, me prediction is based solely upon my dark certainty that the Packers be one Aaron Rogers away from being the Detroit Lions.

Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

CWP: Well, Des, the 49ers are one of the most dominant teams in the league, while the Bears are one of the most dominant teams in turning the ball over to their opponents. That said, Bears win 44-10.

Des: Wow. That’s the lowest margin of victory you’ve ever predicted. I’m scared! Modre. What Chinese fortune cookie are you plagiarizing this time?

Modre: As Vince Lombardi once said, “Show me a good loser, and I’ll show you a loser…” in bed!

Des: Sally McChesty. What’s your take on the Bears’ struggling defense?

SMC: Well, Des, a wise person once said that a fish rots from the head down. Fire Mel Tucker!

Des:  Drunky McDumbAss! How’s it going in tailgate land?

DMD: Well, Des, here in the… in thee.. (whoah) tailgate, uhhhh (burp) shed, we’ve been debating the David Duchovny ad for some kind of Russian beer in Russia, and, uhhhhh Go Bears!

Des: As coherent as always, Drunky! Prissy Minion. Try to dial down the disturbing-ness.

PM: Des, your style of comedy is a beautiful homage everything wrong with our pop culture 30 years ago.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will still manage to beat the Miss America Pageant in the ratings… mostly because no one remembers that it still exists. Also, it’s called a “competition” now, not a “pageant”, you rube!