Bears vs. 49ers: 9-14-2014

BEARS VS. 49ERS: 9-14-14

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the 49ers after an embarrassing loss to the terrible Buffalo Bills. Will the Bears find one healthy receiver, an acceptable defense, and a coach who can show Jay Cutler how to throw to his own team? Or will tonight’s game be naught be an awkward acknowledgement of the latest crime against humanity conducted by an NFL player, owner, or coach?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Wood Rot” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Sally McChesty, and passed out speed bump, Drunky McDumbAss.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Tremble before me delirious visions of futures too terrible to behold as I unfurl me Treasure Map to the Super Bowl, which, out of sheer laziness, is actually a pencil maze from a Happy Meal originally entitled “Treasure Map to Childhood Obesity”, which starts with a Big Mac and ends with a fat kid, which then goes on to an insulin needle and a bottle of Lipitor. But I digest.

In the AFC, I foresee the Jets, Steelers, Titans, and Chiefs proudly displaying divisional banners, whilst the Patriots and Broncos saunter into the playoffs as wild cards. In the NFC, I envision that the Bears, Saints, and 49ers will dominate their divisions. The NFC East is so awful that the Cowboys will triumph with a 7-9 record. The Seahawks and Panthers will be stained with the shame of entering as wild cards. Gasp with disbelief as  I reveal this startling conclusion to the 2014 football season: The 49ers will defeat the Chiefs in this year’s Super Bowl.

Des: Captain, I couldn’t help but notice that your AFC picks were almost identical to last year’s and that didn’t work out too well for you. What gives?

Redbeard: Well, Des, ‘tis like the lottery player who plays the same numbers every day for 60 years: you have to get lucky at some point.

Des: And what about the Bears? Did you pick them just to be nice?

Redbeard: After our very, very long association, Des, ye know better than anyone that there be nothing “nice” about me. Nay, me prediction is based solely upon my dark certainty that the Packers be one Aaron Rogers away from being the Detroit Lions.

Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

CWP: Well, Des, the 49ers are one of the most dominant teams in the league, while the Bears are one of the most dominant teams in turning the ball over to their opponents. That said, Bears win 44-10.

Des: Wow. That’s the lowest margin of victory you’ve ever predicted. I’m scared! Modre. What Chinese fortune cookie are you plagiarizing this time?

Modre: As Vince Lombardi once said, “Show me a good loser, and I’ll show you a loser…” in bed!

Des: Sally McChesty. What’s your take on the Bears’ struggling defense?

SMC: Well, Des, a wise person once said that a fish rots from the head down. Fire Mel Tucker!

Des:  Drunky McDumbAss! How’s it going in tailgate land?

DMD: Well, Des, here in the… in thee.. (whoah) tailgate, uhhhh (burp) shed, we’ve been debating the David Duchovny ad for some kind of Russian beer in Russia, and, uhhhhh Go Bears!

Des: As coherent as always, Drunky! Prissy Minion. Try to dial down the disturbing-ness.

PM: Des, your style of comedy is a beautiful homage everything wrong with our pop culture 30 years ago.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will still manage to beat the Miss America Pageant in the ratings… mostly because no one remembers that it still exists. Also, it’s called a “competition” now, not a “pageant”, you rube!