Bears vs. Bills: 9-7-2014

BEARS VS. BILLS: 9-7-14

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Buffalo Bills in a bombastic battle of Biblical bombastitude fully in keeping with the Mighty Marvel Madmen’s tradition of aggressively annoying alliteration. Will Marc Trestman finally weave into place all the pieces of the Bears tapestry of offense, defense, special teams and other formerly loose threads into a magnificent puzzle, revealing the Vince Lombardi trophy? Or will the Bills somehow pull together a convincing enough victory to price the team beyond the grasping hands of Jon Bon Jovi?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Coco Crisp” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Sally McChesty.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Thanks to a court-ordered drug regimen of Risperdal, Zyprexa, Haldol, and too many other anti-psychotic medications too numerous to count, let alone name, me ability to predict the future of the Bears this season be significantly blunted. But ne’er the less, prepare to take heed: The Bears will go 11-5 this year, defeating all of their AFC foes, which include the Bills, Jets, Dolphins, and Patriots. They will also soundly destroy the Cowboys, Falcons, and, sadly, the Buccaneers, plus their divisional foes the Vikings and Lions twice. Unfortunately, the Bears will fail against the might of the 49ers, Panthers, and Saints, and Aaron Rogers will manage to beat the Bears despite having career-ending injuries in both games.

Des: Captain, I noticed that the Bears barely fell short of your expectations last year. You foresaw a 9-7 season, but the Bears walked away with an 8-8 record.

SR: Aye. This year, I think Jay Cutler will exceed expectations by playing two consecutive games this season. That be my “key to victory”. Or is that me “Treasure Map to the Super Bowl”? I think that be next week’s episode. Stay tuned all of your numerous electronic devices, ye treacherous land lubbers!

Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

CWP: Well, the Bills have developed a murderous no huddle offense, Nigel Bradham is a very fast and powerful lineman, and E.J. Manuel is an acceptable quarterback. On the other hand, the Bills’ coach said that rookie offensive tackle Cyrus Kouandjio blocks like Venus De Milo, so I think we’re okay. Bears win 34- 9.

Des: Modre. I have no idea what you will say next.

Modre: I have just completed reading the Wikipedia entry on Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time, which alleges that the publisher warned Hawking that “for every equation in the book, the readership would be halved.” Behold the revised equation of comedy: tragedy + time = comedy, but tragedy + time X awareness of the comedy equation = ½ comedy. Presumably this is an infinite regression.

Des: Speaking of infinite regression, here’s Sally McChesty presenting the handful of celebrities who are still waiting their turn to participate in the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. Sally, who’s left as a… heh, heh… washed-up celebrity?

SMC: Way to belittle a bunch of people who are just trying to help, Des. Now it’s my turn to jump in! We have Dennis Miller, Adrien Brody, and Christian Slater, all about to receive a dunking in well-earned obscurity. However, a warning to you Hollywood TV producers out there: Do not use your dark alchemy to turn these losers into dramatic gold a la Breaking Bad or Damages.

Des: Oh, the irony of an obscure reference maestro reduced to naught but a random throwaway micron of comedic trivia! Sit back and watch on your weird wrist phone or eye piece or magic giant ring or false tooth interface as the Bears face off in a game that will be littered with commercials featuring hallucinogenic properties that exceed the combined drug-induced ravings of Hunter S. Thompson, William S. Burrows, and Ken Kesey.