BEARS VS. PACKERS: 12-29-13
Des: Welcome to another
edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against
the Green Bay Packers in a match they must win to propel themselves into the
playoffs. Will the Bears pull off a shocking upset be having Devin Hester make
10 returns for touchdowns, offensive flim-flammery in which no one knows who
the quarterback is, not even the offense, Robbie Gould scoring 20 field goals,
and a defense that holds Aaron Rogers to 70 points? Or will the Bears suffer a
crushing defeat, triggering wholesale changes that replace everybody but Robbie
Gould?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of
experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Sea Monkey”
Redbeard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty,
and charter member of Alcoholics Hilarious, Drunky McDumbAss.
Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHH,
mateys! Me New Years’ resolution is not to change in any way, but to further
accentuate my worst traits, the most annoying of which is to rely on
increasingly obscure deities to predict the outcome of football games. Oh,
Sekmet, ye lion-headed Egyptian goddess of destruction, what be your revelation
for today’s Bears game? What’s that? Apparently, Sekmet is easily appeased by a
6 pack of beer colored to look like blood, so... no help there. Uh, Bears win
45-31.
Des: Modre?
Modre: While I am typically
angered by the traditional western ritual of making false promises of self-improvement
at the beginning of the year, I am intrigued by Captain Redbeard’s horrible
corruption of this annual rite and wish to emulate it by doubling down on my
worst trait of misapplying proverbs to analyze the Bears: For example, a wise
man once said, “A poor workman always blames his tools.” Or, if you’re a Bears
quarterback, his offensive line.
Des: Concord , what are your thoughts?
Concord: Des, the Bears have everything
against them today: The defense can’t stop the run, Aaron Rogers is back as
quarterback of the Packers, Chicago still lacks a consistent quarterback and
offensive line, and the Bears haven’t beaten the Packers in a “must win” game
this decade. That said, the Bears will still win 130-70.
Des: Drunky McDumbAss. What’s
happening in tailgate land?
Drunky: Right now I’m stuck
in “DUI Roadblock Land
Des: Doctor McChesty. What do
have for us?
Sally: What don’t I have? Oh,
right. Any respect for this sport whatsoever.
Des: Prissy Minion. What are
your thoughts?
Prissy: Des, your blog posts
are a lesson in pedagogy: With endless practice and error, one can achieve
majesty.
Des: Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears
face off in a game that will determine my level of interest in next week’s
playoff games.
Readability Grade level: 8.3
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