Bears vs. Cowboys: 12/9/2013
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears Football Pregame Show. The Bears face off against the Dallas Cowboys after a tough overtime loss against the Minnesota Vikings. Will the Bears recover with either Jay Cutler or Josh McCown at the helm? Or will the call go forth: Bring back Jason Campbell, who was only a couple questionable referee calls away from beating the Patriots yesterday?
To answer these and similar questions is... just Captain Redbeard?
Redbeard: ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH, mateys! That's right, Des, we had a secret Christmas party without you and I sent everyone home early without your permission. The only one who objected was the Prissy Minion until I made up some story about DesCon V happening at the Rosemont Horizon, or whatever it's called these days, assuming it even exists. Maybe it's at Old Chicago or Lakehurst Mall.
During the course of the Christmas party, we recorded a new instant Yuletide classic: The Captain's Christmas Cavalcade of Holiday Horror, which already has at least 2 hits on YouTube, which be better than Yoko Ono's classic "Listen, the Snow is Falling", and Paul McCartney's "Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reggae", which makes me bigger than the Beatles, and, therefore makes me bigger than Jesus, which is no small accomplishment on this festive holiday season.
To answer the question that dare not be spoken by a land lubber: Yes, I have recorded two holiday hits, both of which are Christmas counting songs. First, you have my version of the unending nightmare that is The 12 Days of Christmas. Except I tidy up a lot: It consists entirely of: "Twelve Keel-hauling, eleven cats of nine tails, five drunken rages!!!!" And then it just stops. I follow this up with the more obscure counting song Children Go Where I Send Thee: I'm gonna send thee three by three, three for the ships we plundered and burned, ten for the ten commandments (all of which we violated)." Me math sequential reasoning be not what it should be, for which I blame entirely on Common Core, which I'm already calling "Obama-math." You're welcome, Fox News.
Des: Redbeard, do you have anything to say about tonight's game?
Redbeard: Arrrrrhhh, Des! What does it matter at this point? While the Bears could easily walk away with the NFC North title with an 8-8 record, they'll just be destroyed by the Seahawks, or by Peyton Manning again in the Superbowl.
Des: If only I had the Prissy Minion or Sally McChesty to finish this.
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