Bears vs. Vikings: 12-1-2013

BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 12-1-13

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings after a horrible loss, a savage beat down, from the St. Louis Rams, of all teams! Will the Bears manage to put a defense on the field this week, or will, uh, well I uh, well I uh...

Sally: It’s your own fault this blog sucks, Charlie Brown, because you’re so wishy-washy!

Des: ...or will Cade McNown, I mean-- heh, heh-- Josh McCown, somehow find a way to score 87 points so the Bears can have a 7 point margin of victory?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Morocco Mole” Redbeard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHH, mateys! Despite the Bears performance last week, which was as uneven as every board that comprises me ship’s hull, I predict the Bears will still go 8-8 this season, defeating the Vikings today and somehow beating the Packers on December 29^th, thus fulfilling their destiny as the first NFC team-- oh, and then they’ll also run the table during the playoffs-- thus fulfilling their destiny as the first NFC team to be beaten by Peyton Manning twice during the Superbowl.

Des: That’s a grim assessment, Captain Redbeard. Um... Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

Concord: Well, I just, uh, I just learned what the, uh, shotgun formation is, so this changes my perspective on everything related to football.

Des: Okay, Concord, we’ll get back to you later. Maybe. Um, Drunk McDumbAss. What’s happening in tailgate-land?

Drunky: Well, Des, I just finished twenty different flavors of schnapps.

Des: Drunky, how do you... how do you get home after a football game?

Drunky: Well, Des, what I do... what I do is I get in my car, I turn the ignition key and, 30 minutes later, I wake up in my apartment.

Des: All right, thank you, Drunky. Uh... and that’s all the time we have, boys and girls. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game brought to you by Des-boy’s Pig-Nut Moonshine. Des-boy?

Des-boy: Mmm hmmm. Des-boy’s Pig Nut Moonshine: The smooth-drinking, liver-burning flavor last a moment, but the crippling blindness lasts a lifetime!