BEARS VS. EAGLES: 12-22-13
Des: Welcome to another
edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against
the Philadelphia Eagles in a match that is no longer a “must-win” game, thanks
to every NFC North team losing in today’s earlier action. Will the Bears take
advantage of this release in pressure to tighten things up on offense and
special teams, while trying desperately to construct something that resembles a
defense? Or will the Bears relax too much, losing the last two games of the
season, clearing a path for the Green Bay Packers to magically win another
Superbowl?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of
experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Black Manta”
Redbeard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty,
and avatar of Christmas Capitalism, Santa Claus.
Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHH,
mateys! The Bears stand poised to clinch the NFC North with naught but an 8-6
record. What could they do to mess things up, a la Charlie Brown, in every Peanuts special and comic? First, they
could have a wonderful time with the little red-haired girl, dance with
everyone and be the life of the party, then inexplicably have a complete
blackout and totally forget having done anything. Second, just before winning
the game, Jay Cutler could make a speech endorsing the Great Pumpkin, and
everyone would laugh at him, causing him to leave the football field in shame.
Third, Coach Trestman could have some kind of rash on his head in the pattern
of a football, which would force him to wear a sack on his hand, causing him to
be nicknamed “Coach Sack”, whom the Bears would unquestionably follow
throughout the playoffs to victory. Then, just before the NFC championship
game, thinking his rash had cleared up, he would remove the sack, revealing his
transformation into Dave Wannstedt, causing the Bears to question themselves,
but still maintaining a tight game until, finally and most predictably, Adam
Podlesh pulls the football away from Robbie Gould when he tries to kick the
game winning field goal.
Des: That summarizes the
Charlie Brown oeuvre nicely, Redbeard. Sally McChesty, what are your thoughts?
Sally McChesty: Des, there’s
been a lot of criticism about NFL trying too hard to protect their players with
recent rule changes. The way I see it, there are three possible outcomes to
this trend:
- By 2017, all NFL players will wear giant foam suits and bounce off of each other, like that girl who inflated into a giant ball in Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. This will be successfully blamed on President Hillary Clinton.
2. All NFL players-- past, present,
and future, living and dead-- will be plugged into some sort of “matrix” and
every game will be virtual. Despite every player being converted into ones and
zeroes, 45 minutes of every game will still be taken up by replay review.
Q. The NFL will be replaced by a
revived XFL and will take place inside the “Octagon” and there won’t be any
actual throwing of footballs or any other use of a football, just a lot of
punching and kicking and chair throwing, but with all of the other pagan-try of
football. And I deliberately misspelled “pageantry” as “pagan-try” because Des
has inexplicably, and in mid-sentence, decided to rewrite my character as a
Christian Fundamentalist. That should go well.
Des: Modre?
Modre: I completely disagree
with Sally McChesty. When the current generation of NFL fans dies off, soccer
will finally emerge as the one true football in America .
Des: Concord , what are your thoughts
Des: Santa Claus. Give me
some Christmas cheer, preferably something in a fortified egg nog.
Santa: Ho, ho, ho! The NFC
North is my gift to the rest of the NFL.
Des: Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears
face off in a game that will easily outperform Fox’s Sunday Night animation
lineup in the ratings, a feat only matched by every other Sunday night program.
Readability Grade level: 10.2
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