BEARS VS. BROWNS: 12-15-13
Des: Welcome to another
edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against
the Cleveland Browns after a savage beating of the Dallas Cowboys on Monday
Night Football! Will Jay Cutler have a triumphant return to quarterbacking the
Bears, building on the offensive foundation constructed by Josh McCown in his
absence? Or will Cutler find himself reunited next year with Lovie Smith in Houston ?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of
experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Aqua-velvet”
Redbeard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally
McChesty, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumbAss.
Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHH,
mateys! Des, we had a pre-show meeting without you and ended up writing a
future best-selling holiday fun gift book: How
to Ruin Everything.
Des: Wait, Captain. Last
week, you had a Christmas party without me, and now you lunkheads managed to
write a book?
Redbeard: Well, Des, it be
not a book in the traditional sense of the term. It’s more like a collection of
random, angry insights by the six of us with a hook that is as unyielding as
the one that serves as me right hand: “From baby showers to funerals and
everything in-between, this delightful book will provide all ye need to ruin
every meaningful occasion.”
Des: Okay, Captain, I’ll
bite: What’s your entry?
Redbeard: The perfect gift
for a baby shower is one that questions the paternity of the baby.
Des: Sally?
Sally McChesty: An NFL
coaching diversity committee made solely of multi-billionaire white men over
the age of 70.
Des: Modre?
Modre: A Christmas gift that
insults all religions and atheism.
Des: Concord , I’m sure I can count on you to tell
us how to ruin the Bears.
Des: Drunky McDumbAss, I’m
sure you have more experience ruining events than all of us put together.
Drunky: Give me a 12 pack of
Meister Brau and a random political topic, preferably gun control, and I’ll
ruin every event.
Des: Prissy Minion?
Prissy: Des, I went in the
opposite direction. The only way to save everything is to include Des. Or also
to ruin everything, but in a very artistic manner that would be a template for
others for generations.
Des: I figured as much. Sit back and watch, sports
fans, as the Bears face off in a game in which a magic 8 ball will decide who
will be the Bears quarterback.
Readability Grade level: 8.5
1 comment:
How long do you think it will be before the NFL makes it a penalty for a player to touch another player at all? That would be kind of fun to watch, actually, 22 mutant doofuses running around trying not to collide with each other.
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