Bears vs. Jets: 9-22-2014

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the New York Jets after a surprising upset of the once-dominant 49ers fueled by a lust for revenge after Cutler’s helmet-to-chest plate injury. Will Jay Cutler endure another injury to spur the Bears to victory? Or will Rex Ryan’s rambling tirades and empty promises also prove inspirational… to the Bears?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Emperor of Scotland” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, and “hero” of the half-keg, Drunky McDumbAss.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! As one who has made a career of exploiting me self-inflicted wounds, both physical and emotional, I welcome this new strategy of Cutler to inspire his team via overcoming crippling injury. May I suggest acquiring a peg leg or glass eye? What ye lose in mobility and depth perception, ye more than make up with loyalty and steadfastness of yer crew!

Des: At the risk of poking very large holes in what you laughably call a managerial opus, Captain, don’t you have to brutally beat down a mutiny on a daily basis?

SR: Ye can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs, if by “omelet” ye mean “a modestly successful voyage”, and by “eggs” ye mean “the entire crew”. And a few horses ye have to throw overboard.

Des: Thank you, Captain. Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

CWP: Well, the Bears are 0-20 when they play in stadiums named after insurance companies that exploit holes in Medicaid coverage.  That said, the Bears will win 30-7.

Des: Modre! Cram some comedy into the casing of NFL references.

Modre: It is better to dance lightly across the astro-turf of human emotion than suffocate numbly beneath the sheltering darkness of the replay hood.

Des: Doctor Sally McChesty. What’s your opinion of Roger Goodell’s news conference regarding the numerous domestic abuse accusations and videos in the news?

SMC: Didn’t you get the memo from the NFL, Des? Female football broadcasters only provide facts; we do not provide any analysis, interpretation, or context. That’s for the men folk.

Des: Drunky McDumbAss. What’s happening in tailgate land?

DMD: Des, I left John’s Garage in 2005 and haven’t found my way home since.

Des: Coming from anyone else, that would sound strangely poignant. Prissy Minion. Seal this in concrete, won’t you?

Prissy: If you like your negative and positive emotions numb, then you’ve come to the right place.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match that may cause you to turn around, bright eyes, away from the newest episode of The Big Bang Theory or the Simpsons marathon on F quadruple X.