Bears vs. Packers: 9-28-2014

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers in Chapter MCMLVI of the world’s greatest sports rivalry in the history of the universe! Will the Bears harden in concrete the winning puzzle pieces of a consistent passing game, error-free special teams, and a competent defense? Or will Aaron Rogers throw touchdown passes in the same robotic fashion he uses when delivering straight lines on State Farm commercials?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Cool Ranch Dorito” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, and our pale shadow of Dean Martin, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! After spending hours at the bedside of ailing North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un in which we traded mystical objects that would make the darkest nightmares of H.P. Lovecraft seem pleasant by comparison, I bring to thee unsuspecting landlubbers the Chum Bucket of the NFL: the team that will fail to win a single game this season. It deeply shames me that two of the winless NFL teams are the Buccaneers and the Raiders. Ne’er the less, the one team that will not win a single game this year will be the Jacksonville Jaguars. Florida was not meant to support three football teams, maybe not even two.

Des: Captain, last year, you predicted that Washington wouldn’t win a single game. While a 3-13 record is nothing to be proud of, the Texans did worse with a 2-14 record.

Redbeard: Aye. I decided last year that having Dan Snyder’s team lose every game wasn’t cruel enough. Part of this year’s Curse of the Crimson Beard Stubble involves having Washington win 3 games in a row midseason and then losing the rest to finish off with a 4-12 record, which would be one game shy of winning the division. That “honor” will go to the Cowboys, who will win the NFC East Division with a 5-11 season.

Des: A sad vision of things to come. Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

Concord: Well, while the Packers had a tough outing against the Lions, Aaron Rogers is still one of the best quarterbacks in the league, the Bears run defense is dangerously weak, and the Packers have had the Bears’ number for a while now, even at Soldier Field. That said, the Bears still win 35-11.

Des: Wait... Concord, how do you expect the Packers to score 11 points?

Concord: 3 field goals and a safety. Or a field goal plus a touchdown with a 2-point conversion. What am I, Des, the Shell Answer Man?

Des: Thank you, Concord. So, Doctor McChesty, what’s your prescription for a Bears victory?

Sally: Prescription? Oh, I get it. Because I’m a doctor. No, Des, my doctorate is in Sports Business Management… which, come to think of it, does involve dispensing a lot of pain medication.

Des: Speaking of self-medication, would you welcome: Drunky McDumbAss. What’s happening in tailgate land?

Drunky: Well, Des, I’m in Soldier Field jail again because, apparently, setting fire to a Cheesehead hat and urinating on its ashes while a Packers fan is still wearing it, isn’t considered an “appropriate” way to show team spirit.

Des: Prissy Minion, put a merciful end to this.

Prissy: Des, your transition from teen idol to sports commentator legend combines the best elements of bad girl Miley Cyrus to the matriarchal purity of Hillary Duff.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will be much more enjoyable if you mute the tortured logic chain leading to nowhere funny that is otherwise known as this year’s Miller Lite commercials.