BEARS VS. FALCONS: 10-18-09
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Atlanta Falcons after thoroughly extinguishing the dying embers of hope for the Detroit Lions. Will the Bears continue their impressive streak of wins? Or will Atlanta’s perfectly balanced offense of tight ends, wide receivers, and running backs frustrate the Bears like they did to the, uh, Patriots? (Oops)
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “88 Keys” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed dead celebrity Kurt Cobain.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! My nautically themed advice to the Bears this week is to use the “chum-bucket” defense, where ye liquefy the offense into a tasty goo fit for consumption by the Dallas Cowboys the following week.
Des: Concord Peabody. Your thoughts.
CP: Ron Turner is the perfect offensive co-Odinator for the Bears.
SR: I heartily concur, matey! Turner combines the wisdom of Odin, the fury of Thor, and the cunning of Loki! Now we just need the girth of Volstagg on defense!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: Citizens of Chicago: when the Olympics opened in Tokyo in 1964, they were so transcendent, we still have a national holiday on October 12 to commemorate it. But, like a World Series at Wrigley, that is a pleasure you will never experience!
Des: Modre, that’s kind of harsh even for you, isn’t it?
Modre: Sometimes I rub salt in the wound to promote healing, but this time, it is only for my amusement!
Des: Kurt Cobain. Your impressions.
KC: “I started being really proud of the fact that I was gay even though I wasn't.”
Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. Your final thought.
PM: As Judy Tenuta once said, “Friends are just enemies who don’t have the guts to kill you.”
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by the Nissan Cube, which, sadly, is not a giant Rubik’s Cube. If you had to keep twisting the car itself in order to find the door… that would be hysterical!
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3 comments:
Speaking of Falcons, I believe this game should be dedicated to Falcon Heene, that brave little boy who hid in an attic. Which kind of makes him the modern Anne Frank, doesn't it? Despite everything, I believe that flying-saucer shaped balloons are really good.
ARRRGH, mateys! As I posted elsewhere, I believe that the Falcons should play "This is Not America" by landlubbin' legends Pat Metheny and David Bowie whene'er they take the field. "Snowman melting from the inside, falcon spirals to the ground... for this is not America." Well, maybe that wouldn't work so well. ARRRRGH! Where be me rum and hardtack?
Like Falcon the balloon boy, the Bears are puking on network TV.
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