BEARS VS. LIONS: 10-4-09
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions after a nail biter against the Seattle Seahawks. Will the Lions build on their first win since the presidency of George W. Bush? Or will the Bears emerge triumphant on a combination of turnovers, competent passing and missed field goals by their opponents?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Tango and Cash” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed pop-star slash actress Madonna.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! I vaguely remember many a land-lubbing prognosticator proclaiming that this be the year of the NFC North quarterback, but, as usual, ‘tis only the Year of The Evil Monkey in My Closet. This “Family Guy” reference is brought to you by the Fox Network, whose evil Cthulu-esque tentacles extend down to the world of music, and which also sponsors this mighty broadcast, which be why Madonna is appearing upon this football panel.
Des: Madonna. Your impressions.
M: “If I weren’t as talented as I am ambitious, I would be a gross monstrosity.”
SR: Like Dread Cthulu himself! By the way, Des, Cthulu would be an awesome Halloween costume. Ye might think the tentacle head would make it difficult to drink rum, but picture every tentacle as a straw and you begin to see the sheer brilliance of this idea.
Des: Returning to football, what’s your analysis, Concord Peabody?
CWP: The Bears reliable special teams and innovative play calling remind me of the time I was a whale poacher and…
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: In India, October 8 is Karva Chauth, a day to honor the sanctity of marriage, of which your western “Football Sunday” is its antithesis!
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Was that an earthquake, or did you just rock my world?
Des: Sit back and watch with your congealed bowl of Ramen noodles as the Bears grapple the Lions in a quarterback duel as legendary as Jim Miller versus Charlie Batch!
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3 comments:
"Gross monstrosity" pretty much sums up my feelings about Madonna from the very beginning.
And the Bears? The Gross Monstrosities of the Midway.
I predict a Lions win, 23-16.
Hm. Maybe I should revise my predicted score upward.
Same shape, different size, as Hawk Harrelson might say.
Captcha word: "spolen." In a sentence: The Bears' Super Bowl dreams were spolen by injuries, penalties, and turnovers, among other things."
Okay, since this is "Redbeard's" site, I suppose I should respond in character... for once. (Deep cleansing breath, aaand...) ARRRGH, MATEYS!!! The Bears will emerge triumphant in a soul crushing victory not seen since the days of the Somail pirates versus the Russian Navy. Prepare to replace ye hammer and sickle with the skull and crossbones! Not even Dread Zombie Lenin will save ye from me own form of redistribution of wealth!
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