Bears vs. Rams: 11-23-08

BEARS VS. RAMS: 11-23-08

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against St. Louis after a thrashing by Green Bay. Will Chicago emerge stronger physically, mentally, spiritually, and financially from such a thorough defeat? Or will the Bears prove to be a tragic metaphor for America’s economic condition… somehow?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Yukon Cornelius Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! After a long day of seizing Saudi super-tankers filled with precious oil off the coast of Somalia, you’d think there’d be nothing I dread and fear more than the Russian Navy. Ye’d be tragically mistaken! What haunts my dreams is that we be one Neckbeard away from being the Detroit Lions.

Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?

CP: Well, the Bears are 15-4 against teams in cities that don’t believe in sewage treatment. Go Bears!

Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: The Bears must defeat the Demons of Denak to emerge victorious. Since they don’t possess the Darkholde to banish the forces of evil, they must resort to better play calling.

Des: Albert Einstein. Stab at the heart of truth for us.

AE: Guten tag, meine Bürger von Chicago. "Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocrities. The latter cannot understand it when a man does not thoughtlessly submit to hereditary prejudices but honestly and courageously uses his intelligence." If you think I’m talking about Dennis Miller’s tenure on Monday Night Football, think again, meine Kätzchen.

Des: Prissy Minion. What now?

PM: Oh, Des. When space aliens find this disc on the next Voyager space craft, they’ll know where to turn for sports and cultural information.

Des: Sit back and watch with your collection of random acquaintances as the Bears face off in a classic I-55 rivalry that will redefine sports as something that transcends mere entertainment into something that hits too close to home.